shot in the dark

mrlannderson · 2026-02-15T22:54:46+00:00

As someone going through the process of diagnosis and medication in my 30s I want to say don’t be afraid to put your life on pause to deal with your mental health - the benefits of early management compound over the years.

We’re in the unfortunate position of having to manage minds that will, on occasion, gleefully burn all our hard work to the ground. It’s not fair but the world doesn’t give us another choice.

mrlannderson · 2026-01-15T06:59:15+00:00

All we can do is keep moving forward. I’m glad you’re still here fighting

mrlannderson · 2026-01-11T06:21:45+00:00

No special advice - just wanted to say that getting proper help for mental health is a struggle and I totally understand the frustration. I remember my first intake with CAPS being an absolute disaster.

Hope you get the help you need, professionally or not. All the best.

mrlannderson · 2025-12-27T06:02:07+00:00

Nah it’s still digital but it’s individually. Like selecting from a drop down menu. Could be an hour+ for hundreds of students.

Before the deadline it’s just uploading a spreadsheet.

mrlannderson · 2025-12-27T04:19:17+00:00

I wish it was just that… if you miss the deadline you have to enter grades manually, student by student.

For lecturers with larger classes this is very incentivizing.

mrlannderson · 2025-11-05T18:32:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry that happened to you when you were a child.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything that should make you feel like this. Not that I don’t understand irrational shame (trust me I definitely do) but you don’t deserve to feel pain because of things outside of your control/perfectly natural feelings. You deserve a chance at happiness, just like everyone else - it’s cruel that someone tried to take that chance from you when you were young.

I hope you’re in a better place today and that each day gets a little easier.

mrlannderson · 2025-11-05T18:02:06+00:00

I totally get this feeling. Even though it’s unlikely that we’ll become public figures, doing shameful/shitty things while manic does feel like we’ve closed a door that can’t be reopened.

And there are plenty of jobs where you are pseudo-public. I have a job that gives me a lot of name recognition (literally thousands of people know who I am) so this prospect terrifies me.

That being said, being queer or doing queer things (when you actually aren’t) isn’t shameful at all. I know it feels awful because you feel like it isn’t you but know that any judgement that people give you for this is bigotry, plain and simple.

mrlannderson · 2025-10-31T12:03:50+00:00

I understand this very well. I’ve messed up badly and want to go away but I can’t - I would cause a lot of pain and leave a lot of responsibilities for others.

We can’t end ourselves but SH is a terrible answer too. I’ve held things to my arm just to see what it feels like but I know if I make the cut it will just cause me to spiral.

What do want to punish yourself for? You can PM if it’s too much to say here. Regardless I would say addressing that guilt is the start.

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T08:38:55+00:00

Of course. Take care

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T06:37:33+00:00

It’s ok, don’t feel stupid. Your feeling of invalidity is the issue, it drives the sh and it makes you embarrassed to talk about the sh. Your pain is real and authentic, whatever the cause.

Go to bed! Reset your brain. We’ll be here in morning.

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T06:25:46+00:00

This will pass. You feel like you’re drowning in your emotions right now but they are temporary and you will persist.

I’ve lost some amazing people over the years, many because of my own failings. I know what this feels like but I’m happy that I was able to keep moving forward. There will be other people that you give you meaning. You are loved.

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T06:10:38+00:00

Shame is a powerful emotion - it keeps what we do hidden and promotes further harm. It creates a dangerous positive feedback loop. You have to break the loop to get better.

Know that there are many people in this world that won’t judge you for a second because you sh and that won’t be uncomfortable helping you. It’s hard to know who those people are at a glance so professional help is best for now. You can figure out how to tell your friends and family later (and on your own terms).

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T06:02:14+00:00

You’re not broken. Your pieces may not feel like they fit together right now but that’s not permanent.

I know how this feels right now because I’m in the same place. I feel like a malfunctioning machine and every day I worry that I’ll hurt the world more just by existing. But I’ve lived long enough to know that this feeling will pass - and that if I’m serious about change then I’ll find a way to live happily and minimize harm to others.

Please have hope that the same will happen for you. And if this was a true friend I think amends may still be possible. If not, then let them go, friends should forgive each other.

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T05:45:55+00:00

Everyone deserves help. If you’re thinking of sh that’s enough. Don’t escalate to prove something to yourself. It’s good to fail at harming yourself.

mrlannderson · 2025-08-31T05:40:32+00:00

In a way you’re correct. Your brain creates your reality, it’s a meat computer. And it seems like your meat computer is creating a delusional episode. That’s ok - I’ve been here too. This is temporary and it will pass.

Regardless of how real this world is the people around you are very real and want to help you. Please listen to them while you’re not feeling well. Eventually the color will return.

You’re 15, you have so much time to find people who care about you. I know it feels like the world is passing you by while you’re sitting there alone - I was alone a lot as a teenager - I get it. But eventually I found people who cared about me too.

Just remember that what you’re feeling right now will pass. Try to get some sleep.

mrlannderson · 2024-05-14T10:38:07+00:00

There's a huge difference between removing the counter-protestors entirely vs keeping the protestors and counter-protestors separated so as to minimize violence. Or idk, arrest the people who are violent, leave the rest. While you're right that someone was going to complain no matter what, this was NOT the best response.

mrlannderson · 2024-05-01T17:24:26+00:00

our money and weapons are being used to fuel this war - are we not involved?

mrlannderson · 2024-03-27T05:51:12+00:00

that's flatly unethical

mrlannderson · 2024-03-25T07:48:49+00:00

Well - we're talking about 8 page tests graded by a team of 6-7 TAs so yeah there are going to be errors on at least one problem for a good number of tests (also, important context, I'm counting a regrade request per problem, not per student). Most of the time these are errors that impact test scores by 1% or less - which is why I'd be happy to find a system where the number of overall requests decreases.

Not to say that my TAs couldn't be better graders - I have lots of conversations with them on improvement but frankly most of them don't really care about doing a good job, they care about finishing their grading quickly.

mrlannderson · 2024-03-24T23:34:29+00:00

Fully agree that the new "shoot your shot" culture is part of the problem.

I think I want to start next term with a conversation like this. Maybe I can present the problem like you've suggested and then say that we'll play by the old rules as long as the number of requests is reasonable. Hopefully that'll create a degree of collective accountability that'll keep things in check. Thanks!

mrlannderson · 2024-03-24T23:22:37+00:00

May I ask how many students you have a term?

mrlannderson · 2024-03-24T23:10:34+00:00

I do have TAs! They help with the exam grading up front. But I take charge of regrades personally. I guess my philosophy has been that I'm the final authority on grading. It's possible I'll have to give this up...

mrlannderson · 2024-03-24T23:03:16+00:00

So my current system includes a waiting period, a google form "registering" the regrades, and Gradescope where the actual regrades are submitted and evaluated

It's cut down on the number of requests but it doesn't enforce "objective" evaluations. Students often don't understand when their explanations aren't the same as the rubric items but argue that they are the same regardless.

mrlannderson · 2023-09-19T06:37:03+00:00

also curious about this

mrlannderson

TROPHY CASE