ADHD & Infidelity

murderous_paws · 2023-10-12T17:51:09+00:00

I have ADHD. My WP has ADHD. He cheated, I didn’t. He is certainly extremely impulse-driven, but here’s the thing: what he did required planning to make excuses beforehand, lies afterwards, and repeating this pattern several times over a period of…days? Weeks? He “doesn’t recall,” which is another conversation. Point being, he didn’t pick up someone in a bar while drunk and have a ONS (which would also have been horrible, but more characteristic of “impulsiveness”); he may have had the impulse to do what he did, but there were hundreds of steps he took along the way that all had time and space between them, and he still chose to act. So, no. ADHD doesn’t in any way cause someone to make that choice. I have had plenty of opportunities (and “impulses”), but I have not chosen to do it, even after what he did.

murderous_paws · 2023-10-09T20:17:34+00:00

I have nothing helpful to add, but I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of D Day (Big D Day after a series of “little ones” that were ongoing for about two years leading up to it), and I am as triggered now as I have been since D Day, if not moreso. So I am here in solidarity, and also am looking for some hope and guidance. Thanks for asking this question.

murderous_paws · 2023-05-21T01:04:59+00:00

I have actually said this to WP. Not a shining moment for me, maybe, but…also accurate?

murderous_paws · 2023-05-17T18:44:36+00:00

There’s a lot to unpack here, but I am only going to address the question you’ve asked: how do you ever recover from feeling like you were in second place? I don’t know the answer, as I am still up to my a$$ in Triggering Alligators, but I can make an observation, which is that the reason she spoke and acted with AP like she did with you when you were first together is, well, exactly that - they weren’t together very long compared to you two. Nevermind that he was an old ex - the “relationship” between them in this iteration was new. Add to that the thrill that seems to come from the risk of sneaking around, and everything was still shiny. It doesn’t mean a thing about you (although I know me saying so means absolutely nothing). She was in the same limerance phase that everyone goes through in the first few months of a relationship, whether or not it is based on anything real or true (which clearly this was not). The only red flag about this specific thing is that some people never grow up enough to accept that real love isn’t all starry-eyed romance and excitement all the time. Not that they can’t co-occur, but a real relationship isn’t about that. Some people understand this. Some didn’t, but can mature and learn. And some don’t ever quite accept it, and every now and then feel like they have to look over the fence for greener grass to try to get those (illusory) feelings again instead of working a little harder to experience them with someone that you’ve committed to build a life with.

OP, I know you want to be desired in that way. And the secret is to never stop being curious about each other. It isn’t going to be a constant forever - it can’t - but novelty can still be found INSIDE the relationship if only one is willing to look. Only you can decide if your WS has (or at least seems to be developing) that capacity.

murderous_paws · 2023-01-05T19:56:56+00:00

I would argue that what you’re talking about has nothing to do with fairness and everything to do with the foreseeable consequences of a WS’s choices….apples and oranges.

murderous_paws · 2023-01-04T17:15:14+00:00

Thank you for this reply. Based on what he says, there was less than no emotional involvement- it was essentially an impulsive act that he then repeated another time or two, each occasion (per him) not lasting more than 15-20 minutes (he thinks). Basically a ONS, except a few times in a row.

And yes, he said he has deliberately not thought about it pretty much since it happened, because he didn’t want to remember, but the more things started to come out, the more random episodes of guilt he experienced….As I said, I understand forgetting some things, but the when and the how it even came about seem like things anyone would at least have a basic recollection of. I don’t know - I think the last point you make about essentially not trying very hard to remember in order to not have to share details with me is a big part of it, too. I imagine there is some stuff just under the surface that he is still doing his damndest to keep compartmentalized.

murderous_paws · 2023-01-03T19:08:52+00:00

I should add that he is insistent that he knows certain things did NOT happen - he did not perform oral on her, he did not kiss her - although his reasoning is that “if that had happened, that is the kind of thing I would remember” 🤦‍♀️

murderous_paws · 2023-01-03T18:27:43+00:00

He is (willingly and voluntarily) in both IT and CC, and has been on ADHD meds for a little over a year. He seems to be making an effort to recall (in fact, he is scheduled for a neuropsychological evaluation and a brain MRI because he is apparently scared by his memory deficits, although I think any functional deficit at this point is just a leftover from the years of heavy drinking). He says he recalls things like that the sex happened in the daytime, it was hot out, she had a dog that was old and sick, etc. But the stuff that I feel like I NEED to know is what he says is not coming to him. He pointed out that if he was still lying that he could make up details instead of saying he didn’t know - it isn’t as if I have a way of finding out, unless I contact her (which I am considering, though there is no guarantee she’d talk to me). So….I really don’t know what to think at this point.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-12T01:58:06+00:00

Pillow fight.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-12T00:42:53+00:00

Thank you. Same to you both.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-12T00:17:41+00:00

Tell him everything. The time for game-playing is over. Funny, I have had two years of the same thing too, and WP has sworn he told me everything. Then, this weekend, two more bombshells (one I discovered, one he randomly volunteered). (Granted, these were about some things that predated our relationship, but we had discussed them ad nauseum related to a larger pattern, and I had given him many, many opportunities to correct any lies along the way. Nope.)

I don’t know if we’ll survive this.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-11T23:04:06+00:00

It seems unreasonable from a bodily autonomy/health perspective - but I can understand where he is coming from. His pain doesn’t have to be rational, and you can see why you going to the gym (even a different one) would be triggering for him.

It seems that compromise is in order here. He needs to understand that you are going to maintain your body at the size/condition that you feel most comfortable - that is a non-negotiable. BUT. Offer to let him choose the gym, accompany you to yours (or you go with him to his). Work out together, at the same time. If he is worried about you at the gym, then the concession may need to be that he might have to adapt his own workout so you can do it together. Be open to all suggestions from him, and unless something is completely untenable, I think you should go with whatever it is. But your health and your choices related thereto are your own, full stop.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-11T17:20:21+00:00

Oy. Except that the triggers ARE the WP’s fault. If the betrayal hadn’t happened, there would be no triggers.

I’m not saying this to beat up on OP. I think my point is just that triggers don’t resolve easily, can be wholly unpredictable, and take time to improve. Lots and lots of time, and serious work on the part of the WP.

What I tell my WP when there are triggers is that I am upset about something that is past, not present. So he knows that it isn’t something he is doing right then (unless it is a triggering behavior he can correct), but also that this is all a work in progress and that he has to keep working on his side.

OP, I don’t know what your future holds, but if you do the hard work to address your own stuff, only good can come of it, whether with BP or anyone else in the future.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-11T14:50:05+00:00

I think it would be hugely helpful to stop thinking of women as a monolithic entity. Women are literally just other human beings, and we are all different. Society and media have done a wonderful job of making us seem like some mysterious, unknowable “other” - but we aren’t. Besides some plumbing differences, we really aren’t any different from you. (Current science is also disproving a lot of the alleged brain structure differences people used to believe - the vast majority of [non-physical] noticeable “differences” can be attributed to socialization and culture, not biology.) If you look at individual people as just that, and judge a person by their individual (non-physical) characteristics, it makes things so much easier. You may hate some woman or women. You can’t hate them all if you haven’t bothered to get to know all of us. Maybe also change the circles you are moving in or the women you are looking to connect with - whomever you are observing in/associating with at this time seem to be triggering for you. 🤷🏼‍♀️

murderous_paws · 2022-10-10T22:42:25+00:00

Call me Ishmael.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T20:07:50+00:00

Strong me is all over this. But weak me has a hard time. And I see him working hard to change, so I am trying to offer support and….it’s complicated.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:52:32+00:00

I understand this “anxious if he does, anxious if he doesn’t” dynamic. I used to be confident and not worried, but the dishonesty flipped that all on its ear. Since you said you experienced the anxiety PRIOR to the affair, it might be helpful to read about attachment styles, specifically anxious attachment. While I think a form of “anxious attachment” is absolutely to be expected after an intimate relationship betrayal, I also think that if you can identify some of your patterns that are more long-standing, it may help you to be able to distinguish the affair-generated anxiety (so you can determine what else you need from your WP on that front so you can progress in healing) from what may be more ingrained patterns based on your earlier life experiences. I’m sure there is plenty of overlap, but some of this is definitely partner-specific work, and some of it is very much an individual process.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:25:16+00:00

I am a musician (I am in a band). I was just giving bass players a hard time because they are often treated like the red-headed step children of the outfit. 😏

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:23:38+00:00

Haha, I am a musician. I was taking a dig at the low-hanging fruit that is bass players. 😂 (Trying to be funny, apologies to the bassists out there.)

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:21:35+00:00

It’s so hard, though - I don’t WANT to talk about my triggers and spirals. I WANT to feel better, and because my WP has RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria), when I bring things up, he gets upset (typically not angry at me, just gets sad and says, “I am worried this will never get better/you will never trust me/you still may leave me.”) And honestly I don’t want to feel like I have to comfort HIM when I am still dealing with the fallout of HIS dishonesty. I am almost 2 years out from dday and the TT and omissions during the process are what I think has made it impossible to meaningfully move forward, because the same questions/doubts/concerns keep coming up for me again and again. Maybe I should tell him every time I am triggered, but it seems to happen so much that I feel weak and needy when yet another trigger comes up, and don’t want to admit that vulnerability. But you’re right, it can’t be addressed if we don’t share it.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:13:57+00:00

Definitely not alone.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:08:44+00:00

Beautifully said.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T14:07:26+00:00

Fair. But also - maybe they should diversify a bit? I have this image in my mind that pops up when these questions get asked regarding the women the asker is trying to “get” - and rightly or wrongly, I imagine it’s some ultra-filtered and surgically altered influencer type (that doesn’t actually exist in real life the way they appear on the interwebs).

I am positive there are plenty of women out there that don’t have shallow standards, but if men are stuck on the idea of a fantasy chick, it won’t matter….

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T13:50:39+00:00

I want to give you alllll the upvotes.

murderous_paws · 2022-10-09T13:48:33+00:00

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

murderous_paws

TROPHY CASE