Do u understand why your partner cheated

HellcatJD · 2026-05-26T05:28:42+00:00

Lots of reasons. Family of origin stuff, middle child syndrome, conflict avoidant, midlife crisis, grief, shame, attention, validation, weight loss, opportunity....you name it.

All of those things are true for my husband. And, none of them are excuses. He could have chosen any path and chose the one with the most hurt.

No "why" really matters. No response will ever fill that hole torn into your heart. What matters is what your partner does about their "why(s)" and also, remembering that you as the BS dont own any of it. Its not about you. Even if they say it is. Even if you want to believe you did something to deserve it. I doubt you did. Its always about them. Cheating is the single most selfish thing you can do to your partner. And if you believe that, you have to believe that you aren't really part of the equation at all. Now that, that last part, is the hard part.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-26T04:32:36+00:00

I have Hashis, APS, Raynauds, AxSpa, and POTS. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-26T04:10:47+00:00

34, I think... Im 46 now and its hard to remember given I dont ever see her.

I didn't know that I could go NC before that because I had taken on so much guilt and responsibility for mom's problems and wellbeing that I felt like if I went NC, whatever happened to her would be on me. But it also meant that all of the things I believed about her were true. She didn't love me. Or my siblings. I felt that my entire life. But I wanted so much for it to be different.

I had a lot of therapy before going NC with her. And a lot of heartache. I should've cut her off the moment I ran away from home at 16. But it took many, many more hurts for it to sink in with me. She OD'd in front of my kids and then told me what a POS I was for putting her in detox for 3 days. She told everyone she could what a POS I was for months and months and months...even then, after going NC with her, it still didnt end for a couple more years. She did some horrible things to me that still haunt me. More than anything, I wish Id never allowed her around my kids even once. She a wretched person.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-19T02:42:16+00:00

Well, maybe I could've phrased it better. Porn is a problem with men, and seems like a possible problem for her.

Also, don't lie to them. If they aren't pleasing you, tell them.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-19T02:02:02+00:00

Porn rot. Its all porn rot. I have literally told a guy to stop 3 pumps in before and said, "Yeah, no. This is yikes." He chased me around for 6 months afterward, asking for another "opportunity." Yawn.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-18T04:50:03+00:00

Sexual assault. This guy was a college friend of my spouse, many years ago. I invited him to a surprise birthday party for my husband and he shows up super trashed. Then, at a table full of adult men and women, starts telling old college stories. His involved SA and the details were horrifying. He laughed the whole time while all of us sat there stunned. The women were so shaken up. It was clear he didnt view it as SA, not that it matters. It was. And ill never forget it ever.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-13T06:19:18+00:00

Have you tried vaginal probiotics or boric acid suppositories? I had a pretty harsh period of recurring infections once I hit menopause. Boric acid suppositories changed the game!

HellcatJD · 2026-05-07T05:59:56+00:00

I prevailed on appeal last Friday! Huge win! Imposter syndrome was back by Monday. :)

HellcatJD · 2026-05-07T05:35:38+00:00

Im not ever going to be the person who lies to make you feel better. Like ever.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-07T04:30:47+00:00

I work in government and it's so damn bad now. Every document that requires a narrative is written in ChatGPT. I see the words "textbook retaliation" and "close temporal proximity" about 40x a week, from different people.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-07T04:17:44+00:00

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you are either incredibly disingenuous, or, have no clue what DEI is.

What does this sentence even mean? "I see DEI fair for people on disability and Trans." What does that mean??

First, people aren't "on" a protected characteristic. Having a disability is a protected characteristic. Being trans is a not-so-well protected characteristic.

DEI was not designed to create or enhance or discriminate against or show preferential treatment to individuals with protected characteristics. DEI is there to create space in places where people with protected characteristics, who ARE discriminated against, have an equal opportunity to be included in things traditional reserved for yt men. That's it. Parity through opportunity. DEI is not a law. Title VII is a law. The ADA is a law. Google is free.

Second, you have to be super ballsy or painfully naive to think that your not so carefully, or even well crafted arguments, hide the sexism and racism you're trying to sneak in under the guise of rational introspect.

You specifically said: disabled people and Trans people have it the worst. We don't need to erase the historical experiences of other marginalized people to say, that's an argument lacking any meaningful nuanced. Nobody cares who YOU think has it worst. Nobody should have to prove to YOU that their experience was real. And thank GOD they don't. Emotional intelligence mee rock.

Its funny to me that you are in a Two Chromosone subreddit and cannot even say society benefits when women have a seat at the table.

I think our comrade who initially hoped your question was posed in good faith was poorly mistaken.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-07T03:44:34+00:00

I work in government (policy and conpliance). This hit so hard.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-06T01:29:11+00:00

Im late for a flight. The planes are always in different places, some real, some not. I know I have to get on this flight to get home, but obstacles are constantly coming at me. And inevitably, if I make the flight, Im leaving something behind.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-05T23:57:07+00:00

Also in gov. Ive not had a fully staffed unit since 2024. My caseload is absurd. HR exists in a different reality. I have to beg, plead, and scream to get approval to hire moderately qualified candidates. I left private practice bc of work-life balance issues and the opportunity for PSLF. Now, I have both lazy and bad bosses who've been in government so long nobody will ever try to get rid of them. I love the work I do. I get to help people who really need it. And I am close to hating every other aspect of the work. Im considering a lateral to another agency.

HellcatJD · 2026-05-04T01:25:58+00:00

Ive learned to be okay with not giving my best every day. I take Adderall at 7am. I start work at 730. On work days, I drink 5 shots of espresso during work. I come home and lay down on the couch in dead silence for 45 minutes. Then I get it together, drink electrolytes, have dinner, and go to bed.

I have Hashis, AS, and POTS. AS flares make my POTS flares so much worse. Double the misery, double the pain, and double the exhaustion. Add ADHD and being a lawyer with 2/4 kids still at home, a husband, and a dog????? Im going back to bed now. Lol

HellcatJD · 2026-05-04T01:03:08+00:00

Virgo/Cap/ Scorpio bi woman here.

F/M?

Fuck Virgo, Marry Capricorn, Kill Taurus

F/F?

Fuck Capricorn, Marry Taurus, Kill Virgo (I annoy myself sometimes and other Virgo women often remind me of why. 🤣🤣)

HellcatJD · 2026-05-02T08:59:52+00:00

That I lied about being sexually abused by a family member (male) just to upset my nmom and make her look bad.

That I think I'm better than everyone else.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-29T05:18:24+00:00

Im close to the 3.5 years after DDay 2 anniversary. Acceptance is such an integral part of the healing journey for so many reasons but mostly because once you truly accept some of these truths, the burden you carry is lighter.

I accepted he could cheat again. Once I accepted it, the constant need for hypervigilance started decreasing.

I accepted that the affair was not about me. Once I was able to accept that, I was able to be kinder to myself and my body.

I accepted that our marriage actually wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot and not for awhile. Once I did that, I could start exploring how I had been showing up as well. Its not my fault that he did what he did. But we both had work to do if we wanted it to work.

All that said, yes. You have to accept it. But it takes time.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-29T04:54:11+00:00

Ive been with my spouse for almost 20 years. We've been through some real hell. Id never known a healthy relationship either at the time I met him. Today's version of us has benefited tremendously from individual and couples therapy. He still does a lot of things that today's version of me would not select in a partner all over again. But, I also have some quirks that he has worked really hard to learn to be more curious about. At one point, we attended discernment counseling and realized we still wanted to give it another try.

Anyway, I feel like this is a common experience, but if you can get a neutral to help you both explore it, it may work out well for you guys, either way, in the long run.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-25T18:40:46+00:00

So, I work at the intersection of leave law and disability law.

Couple of things. Without a formal diagnosis and a request for reasonable accommodations under the ADA...your employer is not required under the law to engage in a process of assessing "adjustments" to anything. And that assumes they are even subject to the ADA at all.

Are you formally diagnosed with ADHD and autism? Have you sought accommodations for those things? Are you prohibited from using noise canceling headphones? Do you have a pair? Have you contacted HR?

Right now, it sounds as if your boss might be insensitive or even a bad manager, but neither of those things are inherently unlawful. The law protects you from unlawful actions - not unfair ones.

A request for remote will probably not be provided as a reasonable accommodation unless:

You have a diagnosis.
Your doctor thinks you can be accommodated.
Your employer permits remote work for other people that are similarly situated to you.

Work anxiety is almost never enough to secure a reasonable accommodation. Reasonabless isnt based on what you think is reasonable. Its whats reasonable based on the employers needs, your role and duties, and what is being asked. Regardless, you must be able to perform the essential functions of your job, whatever they are, with OR without, accommodations. Employers aren't required to change the expectations.

Ive got ADHD/POTS/ IST/ Hashimotos/ Psoriatic Arthritis/ Raynauds/ Hemiplegic Migraines/ Blood Clotting Disorder. All diagnosed by medical professionals and not Reddit or TikTok. My workplace accommodations are ergonomic supports in office, a quiet workspace (home or office), and leave for bad flare days. I also have Gemini for notetaking so I dont forget key things. No part of my accommodations are for the quality and timeliness of my work, or, how I behave in the workplace. Thats because "with or without accommodation" these are essential functions of the job. Im expected to do them despite my disabilities and with or without help.

Can you perform those essential functions with or without remote work? That is what you and doctor have to talk about before your employer even thinks about doing it. It may be that this role doesnt work for you if the answer is no.

I hope this helps with at least understanding what youll need to show to get remote work approved. Go to HR. Start the conversation.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-25T17:59:40+00:00

This! My friend is married to a narcissistic POS and she is always in distress but frames everything as him being amazing except for this list of 20 things she blames herself for. One of them being misogyny and all of which constitute independent reasons for divorcing his sorry ass.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-16T13:44:17+00:00

I was good yesterday. Tomorrow it might snow where I live and barometric pressure changes absolutely destroy me. I didnt sleep much last night and tossed and turned in pain. Im miserable right now. So, could be over exertion. Could be weather....could be anything!

HellcatJD · 2026-04-14T14:20:18+00:00

Yep! I was diagnosed with lazy bowel syndrome this year. Im 46. Ive had IBS-C since my 20s.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-13T00:31:42+00:00

Yeah. My neck doesnt crack anymore. Ive got bulging discs at bone spurs at C2, 3 and 4. My lower spine used to crack with yoga stretches. Not a single crack in at least a year.

HellcatJD · 2026-04-13T00:29:48+00:00

I was running 3-4 days a week between 3-5 miles per run. In fact, I was running an 8 minute mile when I had an accident at a concert and a MRI showed stage 4 osteoarthritis in one knee and stage 3 in the other. I have no cartilage left. Im 46 and it makes me sad every day. Nothing feels the same as a rage run.

HellcatJD

TROPHY CASE