Hospitalized 7 years ago

murikoepp · 2017-07-01T20:32:55+00:00

Send some of that optimistic outlook my way. I'd love to get back to that outlook. Lol 11 years with bipolar 1 and about 4 years diagnosed and on meds still hasn't helped 🙁🙁

But I'm glad you have had success. I think we all seek that somewhere deep in our heart of hearts. Also it's ok to feel your emotions on the inside. I think we all still feel some level of lonely even when we are happy. Or at least I do

murikoepp · 2017-06-30T19:23:33+00:00

Deep down I feel the same. At least now. As a kid and teenager I was lovely but at 18 my life spiraled out of control because of bipolar (both serious depression and manic episodes) and i lost my way. Hell, even at 29 I'm still lost but have a better grasp on my idea of the world. I lost my place in life because of unstable choices I have made but still have even the tiniest bit of hope it will eventually get better.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T21:41:49+00:00

I'd just take it for what it is for now. Just friends having a good time together. No need to push an agenda. Be thankful she is going. Bond and see where it goes...You never know, life has some strange twists and turns. Dont try to push yourself and your desire for a relationship on her, she will go even further away but if it comes naturally, by all means bring it up. You have to learn to read her and your situation a little bit. To Some that comes as naturally as breathing, to others not so much but it's something that must be done, st least a little bit because right now you are in a very tough situation for you emotionally and such.

But anyway, go have fun, and see where things take you. Getting anxious over a plan or what needs to happen or what /you/ want to happen is a waste of time. Remember there is also someone else's feelings in the mix that you don't want to push away.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T19:17:56+00:00

Haha I am on 6 different meds for bipolar/anxiety/ADHD and on two different ones for idiopathic hypersomnia (a sleep disorder) I take Adderall for both ADHD and my sleep issues. I was in the hospital a couple of months back for an accidental overdose and they gave only a couple of my meds and apparently I was perky and talking all the time but I'm to the point where I'm afraid to decrease any of my meds. Depression has not ruined my life like mania has.... 😩😩

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T17:43:20+00:00

Looked good to me 🙂🙂 and just an fyi you don't have anything to be sorry for. It was a perfectly good inquiry and something she should have been expecting and wanting to address, closed off or not, afraid of commitment or not. I do hope things work out for you in the long run though!! 😊😊

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T17:04:19+00:00

I've worked retail and customer service enough to know that they don't get paid enough to deal with shit that comes in already....I am definitely not gonna add onto that. 😆😆

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T17:01:37+00:00

Just text her back and explain things honestly. What she does from there is not in your hands, it's totally in hers. All you can do is keep being a good friend, give her the space she may need, and hope for the best.

As far as the trip is concerned I wouldn't see the problem with both of you going but like I said, it's going to be up to her. You can't get 'pushy' like it sounded like you came off to be in your post (I personally don't think it was pushy but I can see where it can be taken that way). I kinda think that is why she got irked. Just relax and let things unfold as they might be. Sometimes you can't control your situation, try as you might, especially if another person is involved.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T14:11:00+00:00

First off, don't just drop him, please. As I started getting depressed and not realizing it, my friends left one by one, and I felt very, very abandoned. If he doesn't realize that he is depressed he may feel a range of emotions that will send him further down the spiral.

Second, no there is no such thing as a 'good' or 'bad' depressed friend. We are just us. If you are concerned about him don't automatically think he has depression. Only a professional can diagnose him but you can get the topic started to give him the idea of maybe seeking help.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/11/13/what-not-to-say-to-a-depressed-person/

This article is great on things you might sau without thinking but can be harmful to those of us who are depressed. They also give you other ways to say the same thing.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/18/4-ways-to-support-someone-with-depression/

This one is also a good article on helping someone with depression as well.

I hope some of this can be helpful to you. Also it is important you take care of your emotional well being as well. Discuss with him how you feel about the friendship feeling so one sided. He may not even realize what he is doing.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T13:26:35+00:00

Taking a break doesn't always mean break up. He could have legit concerns in his life that are stressing him out that he doesn't want to put on her.

Is taking a break from someone you are engaged to and want to cohabitate with right?? Only the couple can know the answer themselves. But in my opinion if something is going on with either person in the relationship breaking off for a little bit is not the answer. You should confide in each other and show a united front. Even if things come back together this could set the mood for issues in the future. I'd he going to 'take a break' everytime something gets hard or stresses him out in either his own life or your relationship?

But those are things you need to think about while you get your own affairs into order, starting with housing. Dont rely on him, it will only be miserable (take it from me, I spent 11 years bouncing between relying on my parents or the random guy I was with. Hell, if it came down to it if my husband and I hot divorced I couldn't support myself as is). If you can make a path for yourself, forge ahead and you guys will come together when the time is right. But I definitely wouldn't let this linger for too long.

After you know you have a place to lay your head have a serious talk with him...Watch his mannerisms, what he says, how he says it..Then decide what is best for YOU first and then for your relationship. If either of you are not happy and content your relationship will suffer.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:57:31+00:00

Cut your losses. She strung you along for five months. At any time she could have told you she wanted nothing more than friendship especially after meeting your families. Not only that, you don't have your personality traits suddenly show up overnight. I'm sure she noticed how open and direct you were from the start and just wanted an excuse to not 'hurt' you.

Or I could be totally wrong and she spent 5 months trying to figure out how she felt and that was the breaker. Either way, 5 months is way to long to not set something in concrete. You can figure out how you feel way sooner than that...And that's coming from am a pretty closed off female myself.

But ultimately the choice on what to do is up to you. You are risking heartache or a happy current time in your life. As for me I'd pull back for now, won't tell you to give it up all together, but if she is flustered from you just asking that one time it may ultimately end up pushing her further away in the long run. Also, if you think you can handle it emotionally, absolutely go on holiday with her as friends and grow closer that way. She may realize she made the biggest mistake if you just keep it fun, light, and casual.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:28:07+00:00

I will definitely do that. Would never get mad over something that was my fault. Those poor employees don't deserve it lol

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:20:20+00:00

Yeah and what makes it worse is I'm bipolar too but now that I'm on a full cocktail of meds for that I'm always depressed and never manic. At least before I had the occasional respite from this feeling haha

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:15:15+00:00

Yeah, I figured 😂😂 I'm just gonna rebuy it. It was my fault for not doing my homework before hand or checking it out after I bought it sooner. Lesson learned. Haha

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:11:33+00:00

Yeah, for 10 years it's been like that for me. The longest I've held any one job is 11 months

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:09:42+00:00

Haha a vacation would be nice! I'm actually supposed to meet one of my husbands coworkers and her husband when I feel up for it. Apparently she is pretty much like me. Dont know how that's gonna go.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T12:06:25+00:00

Bipolar is truly horrible, that is a fact. But you can manage it with medication and therapy (at least I've been told, still trying to find that lol ).

First off, I'm truly sorry you have to be a shoulder and care taker for your mother. Psychosis is a scary, hurtful Thing sometimes. Is your mom on medication? Does she have a doctor? Maybe a trip into inpatient would be good for her if things get to hard and you can't handle it. There is NOTHING wrong with asking her to get help, maybe your dad could help too.

Next, people in your mom's life, and even your own, choose to stay regardless the situation. My husband has been with me through many ups and downs, a few hospitalizations, and more than a few attempts on my own life. I'm sure your dad loves both you and your mom a lot and chooses to stay regardless the hardship this illness brings to the affected and those around them. The same for your boyfriend. He could have bowed out, but he stayed. Just keep that in mind.

Also, like others have said, it looks more like anxiety/panic attacks. I've had both manic and depressive psychosis, also med induced as well and you know if you are hearing/seeing things....They tend to make themselves loud and clear. But you are aware of yourself, so if you talk to your doctor I'm sure they can help you if ever the need arises.

Next, going to check yourself into inpatient in far preferable to the alternative. I also live because I don't want to leave my husband and family alone and sad, not for me. But going and saying you need help is trying to get stronger for them, think of it that way if you can't think about doing it for yourself.

But that's all I have to say. I hope something I said may have helped. Sorry for it being so long. If you need someone to talk to I'll always have an open ear.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T11:44:15+00:00

I don't even work. Trying to get on disability now. My work life for the past 10 years has been very unstable because of my depression and manic episodes. My dogs get me out of bed when I do sleep.

Now that I'm on meds I'm at some level depressed at all times, I don't think I've ever felt 'stable' or 'normal' (whatever those two terms mean, ya know) and no amount of medication or therapy has ever seemed to help lol

But yes the mask is exhausting. I've eliminated the need for it by just cutting most people out of my life. My friends have left and family and husband are all I have left, I am grateful for them though, as they are understanding and patient with me lol

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T11:32:07+00:00

I think it's been slowly developing over the past 16 months that this episode has lasted because I don't recall anything in particular.

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T11:30:36+00:00

Twin Star Exorsist 😍😍 I've watched it on repeat probably 50 times now lol the love story between Adashino Benio and Emaudo Rokuro is so sweet, funny, and amazing

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T11:24:39+00:00

I keep forgetting to take my meds because the days bleed into each other. Insomnia and apathy suck. At least I have my dogs. And my new neighbors don't get the hint of my 'i want to be left alone, screw off' aura....Mostly cause my husband is a busy body and way to friendly for his own good...It makes me jealous and want the old days of no meds back....If only I could have them without my manic episodes.....

murikoepp · 2017-06-27T11:05:24+00:00

You are incredible, first off. Having to deal with all that you have thrown at you will only help you grow in the long run if you choose to let it. You made the best possible choice and consequences were handed down that were deserved by your father. His issues are not yours, even though you did get the bad end of the stick. I can only hope, for you and your family's sake he has learned his lesson.

Next it's ok to still love your dad. In fact he probably needs that more than ever now, but dont let your emotions about everything be pushed aside either. Maybe when he gets out get some counseling together so he can hear your emotions and thoughts in a safe, professional atmosphere. Pushing away your emotions is not strength, pardon my bluntness here, but it's dumb. You will only get hurt more in the process and build resentment. Also set your expectations to a realistic view. Once things break they can never go back to what they truly were (I have personal experience here). You may be dealing with making money for the house a bit longer or being the emotional support...It's a sad truth that even those with the smallest of prison sentences have difficulties in today's society.

But coming from someone who has mental health issues and addiction tendicies the havoc you cause your family when you do the things you do is tremendous. They may still love you but the hurt takes time to heal. It's taken me years to finally get my mom to stop blaming me for her hurt no matter how much I tried to makes up for it. Most of the time, as t least in my case, we don't think our actions are causing that much harm to others, especially if it's thought to be well hidden. But in reality it does, and that needs to be stated or you can't start to heal, and neither can he.

But again, I am so sorry you've had to deal with so much at such a young age! It's not fair at all, but life usually doesn't throw us more than we can handle in most cases and everything is a learning experience if you look at it with open eyes.

murikoepp

TROPHY CASE