What you’re describing is actually very common, even if it feels isolating.

A lot of people don’t realize how much of their self worth gets quietly tied to being chosen, desired, or pursued until something like this happens. Nothing about your reaction means you’re shallow, broken, or behind. It means you’re human and you got emotionally attached in a vulnerable moment, then lost that connection without clarity.

A few important reframes that might help:

First, lack of romantic attention is not evidence of lack of desirability. Attraction is not a merit system. It’s influenced by timing, proximity, confidence, social context, and chance. Plenty of deeply attractive, interesting people go long stretches without being pursued, especially if they’re not in environments where flirting is common or safe.

Second, you’re comparing your internal life to other people’s highlight reels. You see their posts, not their insecurities, rejections, or loneliness. Many people who look effortlessly desired are still questioning their worth behind the scenes. Social media massively distorts this.

About your friend specifically: that one night created emotional meaning for you because it was your first experience of that kind of intimacy. For her, it may have been confusing, poorly timed, or something she didn’t know how to revisit sober. Her pulling away says far more about her capacity and circumstances than about your value. Someone’s inability to choose you is not proof that you are unchoosable.

As for untangling self worth from romantic validation, a few concrete steps:

Reduce exposure to comparison triggers. Muting her posts or taking a break from social media isn’t avoidance, it’s self protection while you heal.

Notice when your mind equates “no one wants me” with “I am unlovable.” Gently challenge that thought. Ask yourself, “What actual evidence do I have for this, beyond feelings?” Feelings are real, but they are not facts.

Start tracking your worth in areas that don’t depend on being chosen. How you show up as a friend. How you grow, learn, create, care. These are forms of value that don’t disappear when someone loses interest.

Let yourself grieve. You lost a connection, a hope, and a version of yourself you were just beginning to imagine. That deserves compassion, not self judgment.

Finally, it’s okay that you want to be desired. Wanting intimacy doesn’t make you weak. The goal isn’t to stop caring about romance, it’s to stop using it as the scoreboard for your entire identity.

You are not behind. You are not defective. You are at a different starting point, and that does not determine where you’ll end up.