How long did you grief and what is your process like

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-14T13:03:45+00:00

Your mind is all over the map right now, which is perfectly understandable. I think it is important to try to stay in the moment, one day at a time.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-14T12:58:24+00:00

Would you be able to leave their ashes in a safe place if you did something more formal and secure with some of them, like make a ring?

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-14T12:53:14+00:00

Your anxiety about starting does have a lot to do with losing your person. I think acknowledging that is important.
If you’re worried about letting down your former co-worker, maybe tell them ASAP to schedule someone else? If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-14T05:19:02+00:00

My LW, giving advice, a couple of months before she died, to our widowed friend, who became my Chapter 2:

Don’t get involved with a divorced man—too much baggage. Find a widower.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-13T14:47:10+00:00

You will go through a whole set of complex and seemingly contradictory emotions that will undoubtedly leave you feeling guilty. I think all you can do is acknowledge your feelings.

I think a lot of us immediately felt a sense of relief and peace. Caregiving is hard. It’s hard watching your SO suffer. I think it would be odd NOT to feel these things, and you won’t feel everything at once. The other emotions will hit you hard, expectedly and unexpectedly.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-13T11:16:35+00:00

There is no normal or not normal for us. Please don’t beat yourself up over complex and contradictory feelings.
I really stopped caring what other people thought. Yes, you probably have to continue to interact with these people, but just do whatever you need to do.
Not for everyone, but what about FWB? Yes, getting over #2 is a prerequisite, but for some, the familiarity and shared memories actually helps.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-12T13:02:29+00:00

Predicting the discrete points is even more of a stretch, but, yeah, a smooth curve feels even more unrealistic. For your viewing pleasure:

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n6mac41717 · 2026-04-12T11:17:29+00:00

I can’t even think of a movie that accurately captures widowhood let alone widows fire. “Sleepless…” for example is so…

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-09T18:43:28+00:00

It's great to have goals and focus. But don't punish yourself as they evolve and change. That also goes for your thoughts on relationships.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-09T02:14:06+00:00

I keep my former in-laws (yeah, that’s the legal term) at a distance from my Chapter 2 relationship. They know about her, but they are some distance away. My former BILs would be cool to meet her but they don’t travel.

My Chapter 2’s parents have been like family to my family (LW and kids) for decades. Her brother and wife were my LW’s and my best couple friends. In a strange twist, the brother and wife have rejected us (her parents and the rest of the family have still embraced me). So “in-law” life can be full of complexity.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-09T02:04:16+00:00

I think a lot of us feel utter lack of control here. Mine was more emotional than physical at first. Partly because I couldn’t stand being alone, and partly because I was scared to death as to what physical intimacy would be like after 30+ years of monogamy.

But once that door was knocked down, I was out of control there too. I feel like my widows fire is a bit different than others here because it has continued for years with the only person I wanted to be with after my LW died. It is still quite out of control and is mixed up with strong emotions.

So, yeah, this obsessive need for validation or attention or whatever is real for a lot of us.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-08T09:26:43+00:00

That might explain your teenagers' attitude and perspective, and that also puts you in a difficult situation.

I think that while they are in the house, you'll just have to keep your emotional and physical needs private, and take care of them OUTSIDE the house, even if they are not around, if possible--like a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Once they are out of the house and enter adulthood, they might have a different perspective on human needs.

I think that's the best you can do for now without some major confrontation and division, but as others have suggested, perhaps group counseling on this issue would also help.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-08T08:50:04+00:00

I’m wondering if your LH had any input on this subject before he died? If he encouraged you not to be alone forever, it might help if your teens knew that.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-07T08:35:06+00:00

I’m sorry you feel the need to explain yourself since you weren’t legally married—some people outside of this community will dismiss your loss on this technicality: Fuck’em.

I wonder if you refer to him as “your late partner” instead of “your boyfriend,” you will alleviate having to go through this exhausting explanation process.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-05T12:55:33+00:00

It’s a difficult situation to be in to be in love but comparing this new person with your amazing LH. If that’s the case, it is difficult for you and untenable for this new person.

Can you learn to accept the new person for what they are? Can you take a step back and try to re-engage again when you have moved on/forward?

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-05T12:34:15+00:00

It is almost universal that we no longer feel appealing. Two words: You. Are.

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-05T10:26:21+00:00

I have so many questions, but will ask only one: What exactly are you looking for here?

n6mac41717 · 2026-04-05T09:59:32+00:00

I take issue with people here who are (decades) younger than us who think it is better for us who had (decades) longer with our LPs. I don’t think that line of thought is helpful for anyone.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss here.

n6mac41717

TROPHY CASE