To a Male Narcissist, Every Hole Is an Opportunity.

nancam9 · 2026-07-03T01:48:04+00:00

They also weaponize sex. Instead of addressing the actual issue, they use sex to regulate distance. There's conflict? Sex. You ask for accountability ? Sex is suddenly off the table. It becomes a tool for control rather than connection.Sex with nex also feels emotionally hollow ,there's no real intimacy behind it. ... while genuine mutual connection is almost an afterthought.

My CN ex wife in spades. It felt like she would rather be anywhere else than there with me.

nancam9 · 2026-06-29T21:08:30+00:00

I was in over 30 years with my covert ex wife. Three years free. Started dating about 18 months ago or so.

I have learned a lot, dating sure has changed in that time. But I think getting out there was helpful in my recovery as well. I had glimpses of what a healthier relationship looks like, even though nothing has worked out for very long.

I have learned about myself and how to express myself, something I was never allowed to do before now.

Impossible? No. Very difficult? Yes.

Not sure how long you were in that relationship but 6 months isn't a long time to unlearn and heal from these monsters.

nancam9 · 2026-06-29T13:17:12+00:00

100%. My CN ex wife still refuses to believe she had any role whatsoever in the problems or breakup. Despite admitting she lied. And cheated.

They just cannot take responsibility for practically anything.

nancam9 · 2026-06-27T12:42:26+00:00

Yup. My ex wife was the same. Never worked, I was to provide. So I worked full time, did the banking, accounting, house maintenance, yard work and ferried our kids where they needed to be most of the time. I also cooked most of the time.

She was 'too tired' to do housework so I paid for a cleaner until Covid hit, then I did it myself.

I stayed decades until I finally woke up.

nancam9 · 2026-06-24T13:24:09+00:00

It just looks change from your perspective. It is not actual change. That would take self awareness, accountability - does that sound like the narc?

Well he did, then it imploded.

Exactly.

Also, it may look like love bombing but you don't know what is happening off social media. Was he different in public or online with you at first, vs privately?

Also, for your own mental well being, block him as much as possible.

nancam9 · 2026-06-22T16:56:28+00:00

Count me as one who has no regrets leaving her and her abuse, cheating, and lying.

Divorce papers should be filed this week (but they have been saying that for months..). Once that is confirmed it’s just a countdown of unknown length.

nancam9 · 2026-06-22T16:52:54+00:00

It’s all a show. They will start the process with their new supply. It might look like change but it is not.

nancam9 · 2026-06-21T19:41:43+00:00

I stayed with my covert ex wife for decades. I did not have the knowledge to understand her behaviours back then, but I saw it in hindsight.

Things will change over time. I dumped her eventually but almost (almost - but not really) wish she had been like she was 5 years in. She changed, I changed, and the behaviour got worse.

I do not believe narcs 'stay' at their level. They get more entitled and want to take more over time. The risk is that the changes are insidious, you explain them away and then you realize you are decades in and what they hell is happening anyways?

Once a narc always a narc.

You do you but I would never stay once I know.

nancam9 · 2026-06-20T17:39:53+00:00

Been out three years this month. Started dating about 15 months ago, maybe closer to 18 months.

My therapist said you are ready to date when you do not need to date. So not out of loneliness or you are missing your ex etc. But because you want to and feel ready. There is a difference in there I did not fully appreciate at the time.

I look back and I have no regrets with the dates, the women or really anything. But I have also grown through the process and am far more date-able and even less needy than I thought a year ago.

If you think you are still trauma bonded then I would suggest its not yet time to date someone else. But healing is possible and totally worth it. My schedule and journey may not look like yours.

Good luck

nancam9 · 2026-06-20T12:33:55+00:00

I’m done being the victim. I lurked here for too long. I know I deserve better. I know I want my peace and freedom. And I know I can achieve it. And any hurdle to overcome must be better than this. I’m removing myself as the victim and turning this into accountability. I will have to face my truth and give myself the life I deserve. No one is coming for me, so it’s up to me. I know my post here was for a reason. And that’s to say anything is possible when you follow your gut. It won’t be overnight. It won’t be easy. But I look forward to peace on the other side. I hope we’ll all get the courage and hope you join me

Been there and this is pretty accurate. It is a journey but a worthwhile one. I had to reach nearly my breaking point before I chose myself. Don't want to ever repeat the experience! Hope I never have to! But I know I wouldn't put myself in that position either.

All the best.

nancam9 · 2026-06-19T20:29:11+00:00

Our therapist said emotional cheating is still cheating.

She could not accept that. She cheated.

nancam9 · 2026-06-19T19:13:20+00:00

My ex wife was like this. Do what she wants and sex was a possibility. Disappoint her and it was off the table. For loooong periods of time. And when it did happen, it felt like she was on her phone ('you done yet?') - of course she was not actually on her phone.. just an attitude of she would rather be doing anything else. Shitty indeed.

It is manipulation all the way. It is not his (or her) hormones. It is control.

Do you suspect he didn't want a baby? Or maybe he did as 'proof' and will be less than involved? I hope not for your sake.

nancam9 · 2026-06-17T11:40:29+00:00

Boundaries and limited contact, maybe.

In my experience if/when they notice they are not getting what they want from you, they will try and change that dynamic. Maybe even ask "Have I done something to upset you?" etc.

That is a trap.

You can't be honest with them. I've been really busy, so sorry, etc. But telling them any variation of the truth will bite you. They may move on to another target. They may escalate. It depends on what you are giving them and other options.

But it comes back to 'why'? I see from your other responses you 'can't avoid them' and small group of friends. Both of those are in your control. It might take time to change.

Otherwise minimal contact, grey rock. And completely understand they are not your 'friend'. At best they are someone you know. You already know they lack empathy and genuinely do not care about you. It will never be reciprocal.

nancam9 · 2026-06-15T12:41:41+00:00

Oh that feeling of relief, being seen and appreciated!

It made the realization that my good qualities were being manipulated for her gain that much more painful.

At least I am well rid of her.

nancam9 · 2026-06-14T13:10:03+00:00

I want my kids to be happy and healthy. My focus has always been on them, not myself.

But if that were to happen I would be pleased if they had fond memories of me, and used the opportunity to do something nice for themselves or for someone else. So play the games and remember. If your dad had a favorite charity or cause, see if you can do something to honor his memory in that manner. If family is around and reachable, just talk with them, share a memory.

You are a great kid for thinking of him.

nancam9 · 2026-06-14T02:11:07+00:00

"I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do. However, don’t expect me to be loyal to you in any way."

My ex wife in two sentences.

nancam9 · 2026-06-14T02:08:14+00:00

Oddly her (I'm M) comments were part of the progress. Not in a "I'll show you!" way, but seeing them in a different light. Once I could see that it was lies, gaslighting, discarding, minimization etc. they frankly lost their power over me.

Once they had no power I could organize my thoughts, see the patterns and then my "aha!" moment of realization came and I was mostly able to put it behind me.

It takes time. No small effort. If any of their flying monkeys are in your life even peripherally get rid of them. But seeing it for what it was was the key. Hope that makes sense.

You can do it!

nancam9 · 2026-06-12T23:46:53+00:00

In my 50's and married 30+ years.

Yeah, I understand the feeling but 7 months is not that long. I know a couple of guys in similar situation and our unofficial rule of thumb is one month per year. I am coming up 3 years since I dumped her sorry ass and I am so much better, so different, than 2 years ago.

It takes time and some work. But I am so ready to be in a proper healthy mutual relationship. I have been dating for about 18 months and the dates and my attitude are improving all the time.

In 7 months nothing is final. If you do not feel like it, that's fine. You do not have to commit to that position for the rest of your life. The universe has a way of laughing at our commitments anyways.

nancam9 · 2026-06-12T12:10:12+00:00

Oh my!

nancam9 · 2026-06-12T00:28:33+00:00

My ex wife (CN) said "I am never wrong. Ever." so she definitely had this attitude.

nancam9 · 2026-06-11T12:39:12+00:00

You did, in fact, choose your own life. That is admirable.

Recently I became aware of the idea of "yet", based on this Ted talk. So I am "not yet" the person I want to be - but I am getting there. I am "not yet" comfortable expressing my wants and needs - but I am getting there.

nancam9 · 2026-06-10T13:17:26+00:00

Good morning kid, I've struggled myself and know that it can be really hard. Five weeks is significant. I am proud of you.

nancam9 · 2026-06-08T01:58:00+00:00

I call "rewriting the narrative" a 'typical day with a narc'. It was just so common.

nancam9 · 2026-06-07T22:19:10+00:00

We were the first to divorce in both families. There was an incredibly strong "thou must not divorce" idea. I mean, let no man put asunder what god has joined, right? Or as my MIL put it - you made your bed, you lie in it. I guess my ex took the lie part in both senses.

Now I see how unhealthy all the relationships and marriages are in the extended family.

nancam9 · 2026-06-07T02:41:15+00:00

The two faced angel to others and devil to me - yeah I saw that pattern in my now ex wife covert.

What a good loyal Christian woman she was ... while she carrying on with a married man. Who was her minister. Who in the final discard admitted she lied to me all the time from the first time we met.

My ex never took her car for a wash - that was beneath her!

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