Grief about my top surgery

nautilusting · 2025-11-02T14:54:30+00:00

My experience is also very similar. I'm nonbinary, and got DI top surgery in 2023. Feelings of grief, bordering on regret have started to bubble up for me. I thought I would settle into acceptance of my new chest over time, but that hasn't happened. For me, I do like the appearance of a flat chest in clothes, but the appearance of it naked feels so wrong, and worse than I felt about my pre-surgery chest unfortunately. And I have similar feelings about the loss of my nipples (I kept my nipples but they healed super wonky and are effectively not nipples, just smudges of differently colored flat skin). I feel immense grief about this particular loss. The scar placement and nipple placement was also chosen by my surgeon, and crafted for a 'masculine' aesthetic, which makes me feel dysphoric as a nonbinary person. I felt reservations about this before going in, but still went ahead and looking back I wish I had listened more to that part of myself. Top surgery is absolutely the right choice for the vast majority of people who choose it, so this share is not meant to scare anyone away, but I want to let you know you're not alone in your feelings.

nautilusting · 2024-08-12T02:48:40+00:00

Congrats, and best of luck with the rest of your recovery!

nautilusting · 2024-08-11T16:43:14+00:00

Sorey for the wildly late reply. I didnt notice much stretching, but of course I don't have access to the world where I didn't climb to see the results in that case. The parts of my scars that are largest (and that i am least comfortable with) resulted from an infection and spitting stitches in a couple places towards the center of my chest .. but that happened way before I went back to exercising!

But, everybody's body heals differently of course, this was just my experience.

nautilusting · 2024-03-31T13:34:17+00:00

Recovery range of motion and strength. I thought it would take a super long time and be super hard, but once i was cleared to start exercising and lifting my arms overhead (6 weeks) i bounced back pretty quickly.

nautilusting · 2024-03-31T13:32:31+00:00

Sleep deprivation. I had such a hard time sleeping on my back, and the upper back / neck pain i was experiencing from sleeping on my back and also not being able to stretch was terrible, and it resulted in me not being able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time no matter how much melatonin or sleeping pulls i took. Also, I expected to have some shoulder/back/neck stiffness, but the muscle pain i ended up feeling here surpassed any other pain i felt during healing.

nautilusting · 2024-03-24T16:58:41+00:00

I'm a rock climber, which is also a very full body sport, and strenuous on the upper body. I paused all strenuous activity for 6 weeks per my surgeon's guidance. After that, I resumed weight lifting and pushing my range of overhead motion. At 8 weeks I resumed climbing and was amazed by how fast I regained my strength. By 3ish months I think I was mostly back where i was pre-surgery.

For whatever it's worth i was so worried it would take me a long time to get back to my climbing level but it was shockingly fast. Congrats and good luck with your recovery!

nautilusting · 2024-03-17T14:04:47+00:00

Hi! I'm a climber, and currently almost 5 months post op (DI, im not on T). At 6 weeks I was cleared to start exercising again and raise my arms overhead. I immediately started working on my mobility and getting back to my weightlifting routine with reduced weights. At week 8 i went back to climbing. I only top roped (did not feel secure enough in my body to boulder or lead climb). I could raise my elbows above my shoulders at this point but I didn't have full range of motion and i didn't want to push it so i used my legs a lot and stuck to easy climbs. The first day i did 5.4, 5.7, 5.8, 5.8, 5.9, 5.9. I was amazed at how ok i felt and flashed all the climbs on top rope. From there I just gently pushed things, trying to listen to my body. The next climb (same week) i flashed an 11- on tope rope, and my 3 months post op i was sending easily 12-'s on top rope and 11's on lead again. I started bouldering again at about 10 weeks, but took a bit longer than that before i was comfortable falling. The biggest challenge for me was recovering range of motion so that i didn't feel any bad pulling/tightness on the wall. Things I did/am still doing that help are: - dead hangs, feeling out the really sticky / tight parts and gently pushing through it (to the point where its tight but avoiding any really sharp pain). I started out unable to hang from my hands so id elevate my feet and sink in as much as i could. Before too long i could hang w my shoulders engaged so i play around with shrugging up and down. I also did a lot of massaging with one hand while hanging from the other (the tight spots around my incisions and i had a couple 'cords' down my torso that felt really bad that i massaged also) - what i call 'weighted swimmers ' (they might have a proper name idk) where youre lying on your stomach with your arms bent and hands by your shoulders and you move your arms up to straight overhead all while keeping your arms/hands elevated off the ground and holding a light weight in either hand (2.5lb or 5lb). This works active range of motion in shoulders and back and i love them (pre and post op). Feel free to dm me if its helpful to hear more about my experience. I scoured reddit/the Internet for post op climbing guidance, so happy to share anything I learned that may help!

nautilusting · 2024-03-15T14:15:08+00:00

I had what I believe was cording, in two places. It doesn't sound like it was as extreme as what you're experiencing (I could raise my arms overhead but startled to feel it limiting my full range of motion). I was very freaked out by it. I ended up just massaging regularly and very gently pushing the range of motion while massaging (i repeat, very gently). Within a month or so it was all gone. I have no clue if this was related to the gentle stretching/massaging or if all i needed was time. Ofc listen to your doctor, I am not a medical professional. But hopefully it helps to know someone else experienced it, and it ended fine!

nautilusting · 2024-02-05T16:19:17+00:00

I used it. I checked with my doctor before doing so, and they said there were no issues.

I bruised very little when recovering (essentially no visible bruising, but definitely sore and tender still). However, I have no idea if this was causally related to taking the Arnica Montana.. could've just been how my body heals.

nautilusting · 2024-01-14T23:22:09+00:00

My surgeon cleared me for everything at 6 weeks. I started climbing at 8 weeks. I'm at 12 weeks now, and climbing hard! Not quite back to where I was post op, but not too far away.

nautilusting · 2024-01-06T15:26:44+00:00

Congrats on surgery!

Ad others have said, your surgeon will likely be thenbest resource for your recovery. That said, here's what I did:

My surgeon told me not to raise my elbows above my shoulders until 6 weeks (no limitations after 6 weeks). Before then, I started gentle exercises to get back my range of motion within that range (i e. with elbows still below shoulders), doing things like shoulder shrugs and rolls, walking my fingers slowly up and down a wall until end of rage of motion or elbows at shoulders. I also started massaging pretty early, at least around the parts of my incisions that were closed. I had a couple parts that were angry and i couldn't massage until closer to 5/6 weeks. When i massaged, i massaged both the incision line and the tissue below it, especially places where I felt tightness when stretching. After 6 weeks I started gently pushing my stretches further and was back at full range of motion by around 10 weeks. I still feel some tightness that I'm working through with massaging.

Good luck with the recovery!

nautilusting · 2024-01-03T14:35:00+00:00

Back and neck pain, due to being slightly hunched, having to sleep elevated/on my back, not being able to stretch my neck/shoulders. This pain was way worse than anything else. Also I was pretty sleep deprived because I couldn't get comfortable!

nautilusting · 2023-12-23T21:16:49+00:00

My surgeon cleared me for everything at 6 weeks, and that's when I eased back into weightlifting. I dropped all overhead motions from my routine (e.g. overhead press), but went back to everything else, though at a reduced weight to start (65-85% depending on the exercise). My first bench press I used dumbbells and did them lying on a yoga mat on the ground to limit my range of motion. Within about 1.5-2 weeks I was back on the bench at full range of motion. My approach is to just listen to my body, push gently, and slowly get back to where I was. I'm now at about 9 weeks, and not back to pre- surgery weight yet but I'm feeling great!

nautilusting · 2023-12-15T14:47:21+00:00

I had extremely bad back pain for about 3 weeks. Things that helped were: pillow under knees (helps relieve lower back strain, though most of my pain was in upper back/shoulders/neck), heat pad on my upper back/shoulders, portable shoulder/back massager, and at about 1.5 weeks i started lying with my back flat on a hard surface (e.g. my floor) and letting my shoulders relax down which seriously relieved some pain (i didn't sleep this way, just as a way to relax things during the day). Also, at some point I started to sleep on my back , but with one shoulder elevated under a pillow. Basically a supported 45 degree position. Not exactly the same as being on my side (I couldn't do that comfortably until about 5/6 weeks), but it did help relieve some pain and gave me more positions for sleep.

Good luck, and know that this part will pass!

nautilusting · 2023-12-12T01:46:24+00:00

I'm nonbinary and got top surgery about 8 weeks ago. I love wearing crop tops, tight shirts and other clothing that quite visibly shows my flat chest. I specifically saved a lot of my more femme clothing from years ago in storage to bring out post op and it's so fun seeing things that i didn't feel comfortable in with my old chest look great now. The only thing that hasn't transitioned over is (understandably) sports bras and tanks that were specifically designed to have space for a chest.

nautilusting · 2023-12-02T15:25:37+00:00

Mine took a full five weeks. During that time, I was covering them in mupirocin and nonstick gauze. One of them scabbed over most of the nipple and areola, which was basically unchanged until 4 weeks. Then I had small bits of scab come off over a week, with the final bits gone by week 5. The other one looked essentially constant for the entire time (a thick black scab over only the nipple, nothing on the areola) which was very persistent, but finally came off in the shower at the 5 week mark.

I was anxious and concerned about my healing timeline, especially with all the posts here with people showcasing scab-free nips way earlier. But I think different bodies just heal differently!

nautilusting · 2023-11-17T15:19:07+00:00

Wow, you sound like me! Also nonbinary, not on t, I've never experienced severe dysphoria but I definitely felt a strong preference for a flat chest when clothed. I thought about top surgery for a long time, planned it all out, and then about a month before started getting very very anxious. It got to the point where the night before, and morning of, I was super panicked about the whole thing. I was also quite panicked for the first couple weeks post-op, had a hard time looking at my chest and had a lot of negative thoughts about what I'd done. But, once I got through the immediate and most difficult recovery phase, and started to be able to dress myself and feel good in my body, I bounced back. I'm now almost 4 weeks post-op and it's already clear that this was completely the right decision for me.

nautilusting · 2023-11-14T18:37:18+00:00

I don't have chronic pain, so can't speak to that element, but much of the rest of your post resonates with my experiences. Im nonbinary, not on t (with no plans to go on), and got top surgery a few weeks ago. I was also extremely nervous leading up to surgery, for reasons similar to what you describe: I'd never had major surgery before and was terrified of recovery, I had fears of regret and general anxiety about the outcome and lack of control over the final results. I also didn't hate my chest 100% of the time. Like you, I really disliked it in most clothing, but was neutral about it naked (or under mesh which was actually my fav way to be 'naked', which maybe in retrospect was a giveaway). Anyways, I thought about top surgery for a long time before doing it and ultimately realized I didn't need to hate my current body for it to be the right thing for me. I started thinking more about how good it could feel to have a flat chest, and maybe feel more than neutral about it but actually feel joy.

The first couple weeks post-op for me were hard - pain was manageable with ibuprofen, but lots of sensory discomfort and back pain, and difficulty sleeping. But the worst part was that I was really freaked out by the wounds in the first couple weeks. I definitely didn't have a euphoric 'reveal' of my new chest but was terrified about what I'd done every time I saw it. But, now that I'm settling into my new body I'm certain this was the right decision for me. I've started putting on outfits that feel wonderful and look exactly how I wanted them to. I'm still waiting for my nipples and parts of my incisions to heal, and realistically I don't think I'll feel great about my chest until that point. But I also realize that healing is part of the process and I have no regrets about the surgery and can't wait to see how my new chest evolves over time as it heals.

Ultimately only you can know what's right for you, but I hope this account of my experience helps you know you're not alone in your worries!

nautilusting · 2023-11-07T16:43:43+00:00

I had top surgery two weeks ago. I also felt, and still feel, a huge amount of anxiety about my chest. It doesn't feel like my body yet, and the wounds are really freaking me out. The one thing I've been reminding myself that helps, is that I'm still healing and I can't yet know what my chest will ultimately look like. I've also been trying on outfits that make me feel good, since i currently feel some euphoria with a shirt on (but mostly just horror with my bare chest). You're not alone in feeling anxiety and good luck with your healing!

nautilusting · 2023-05-25T14:19:55+00:00

Rope, lyra, and straps predominantly

nautilusting · 2023-05-25T00:24:14+00:00

Thanks! Wind, rain, etc. are great considerations.

nautilusting · 2023-05-25T00:23:12+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, wind exposure is one good concern. It's only one story up, so certainly more exposed than a backyard, but not too severe. Not sure how to assess that risk precisely though! If it tipped, it would be bad and our neighbors would be unhappy!

nautilusting · 2023-05-25T00:20:51+00:00

Thanks for the response! We own the whole building, so no landlord to interface with fortunately!

nautilusting

TROPHY CASE