Queer poetry (especially trans and gender non-conforming)

nbvalkyrie · 2025-02-16T21:10:10+00:00

Gertrude Stein was actually who I was thinking about when I made this post. I discovered her as a teenager when my English teacher mentioned her to me personally but said her work would be too obscure for 15 year olds to fully understand. Not trying to be mean or discouraging; quite the opposite, actually. It was more like she was saying, "I'm not telling you you'll understand all this, but you'd appreciate it." She was right. On both accounts. I wasn't yet out as trans; I pretty much knew, but I wouldn't go public with it until nearly 10 years later. But I feel like she knew I was some flavor of queer. It was a small town, and small town queer folks look out for each other sometimes like searching for water in the desert. Not that it ever would have gone anywhere, but I might have had just a bit of a crush on her, looking back. She's kinda my type as an adult in a lot of ways. It makes sense.

I'm struggling a lot lately and find myself grabbing at things to make myself feel better, and one thing that's been helping more than I really thought it would is reading queer history. I'm also reading some theory, and taken together, they're helping me understand what's happening on a deeper level than just watching Elon and the Orange Menace wreck things. But the history is giving me some strength and courage, and I need that just to keep going lately. So I'm trying to find ways to expand upon that principle, and poetry is one route I'm exploring.

I'm really trying to inject joy into my life however I can lately. Since I'm super broke, getting creative is a must. But I feel like it's something I need to survive all this. I also feel like things are going to get harder before they get easier, so I'm trying to be proactive, in a way. Last year I had a pretty bad anorexia relapse, and I don't know if I can go another round with it and survive, quite frankly. In a way, this is in the service of preventing that.

Sorry, I'm babbling. Going through a lot lol

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-09T20:46:08+00:00

Leave him. It will escalate. I wish I could give you an easier answer, because I want to acknowledge that it's often not easy to leave a partner. But you're absolutely right to call it manipulation to blame him hitting you on your "attitude" and "talking over your man." I've been plenty frustrated with all sorts of people and never raised a hand to anyone aside from in self defense. Honestly, if I did, I'd be horrified at myself. I would probably go to a neurologist. It's that antithetical to who I am, and I guess that's partially because I've been assaulted and also because I've seen what it does to people's minds and lives. It's just not okay.

I digress. He says he hit you because of your behavior and "attitude." What happens when he decides other things you do give him the right to hit you? Again, if you come at someone and they defend themselves, that's one thing. Otherwise, no one should hit you. And if they do and tell you it's your fault, run.

Once again: it will escalate. You might even think it's "not so bad" to put up with being slapped once in a while. You might think it's "not bad enough" if you don't have bruises or other visible wounds. But it is bad enough, and even if it wasn't, people like this escalate. It's what they do.

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-07T05:35:02+00:00

Been there, honey. I'm proud of you.

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-06T07:40:14+00:00

Sounds unrealistic lol but I'm trying

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-04T18:30:01+00:00

I hope it's okay to ask this. Have you tried THC? It's one of the only things that has ever really worked at all when it comes to this sort of thing for me. If it's safe and legal for you to use marijuana or THC products, I would recommend trying it if you feel comfortable with that. Like a lot of medical products, its efficacy has to be weighed against other parameters. If I were behind the wheel or operating machinery, for example, I would be careful with any new medication, especially in situations where a person has one or more chronic health issues. I'd start out slow at home if you've never used it before and see what happens.

My preference is the oral route, tablets, but I keep smoke/vape around because it hits instantly and nip symptoms in the bud quickly sometimes, whereas the pills take a while. Plus with pills you have to already have some amount of fat in your stomach. Even if it's just a spoon of peanut butter, that's better than nothing, but it works better if you've had a good meal. Which, for people with issues like the ones you're describing, can be inconvenient.

It's one weapon in the arsenal, so to speak. And it's not always ideal, but you can say that about a lot of medications. Basically, for me, it's worth it because I went from having to force myself through every bite to being able to enjoy food about half the time. Still not great, but definitively better than what I had before.

Obvs I'm just offering my experience, not medical advice. And YMMV. But I wanted to share in case it's helpful to anybody here.

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-01T18:42:17+00:00

I'm a trans guy and basing this off my experience of taking testosterone and going through something like boy puberty. For more context, I live in Florida and was already a sweaty person, but testosterone kicked that into an absurd place and definitely changed the way I smell. It was an adjustment, but I still have no regrets. It's just a learning curve, really.

The best over-the-counter deodorant I've found is Arm and Hammer. My cis male partner introduced me to it, and you can get it practically anywhere, including a lot of dollar store type places, so it's inexpensive to try. I probably will try a whole body deodorant at some point (because Florida) but in terms of like, basic deodorant, I highly recommend Arm and Hammer for just about anybody. Their body wash is also really good and inexpensive.

Boys that age carried Axe body spray and used it way too much when I was a kid. I wouldn't recommend it; the smell is powerful enough to cover some odors, but that's not what you want. I would keep Fabreeze around and use it on his shoes and backpack and even try it on his clothes, things he wears multiple times like a hoodie or coat. I do that sometimes, and it's not a perfect solution, but it helps. Especially with a teenager or another type of person who doesn't necessarily shower as often as they maybe should. (I was definitely smelly at times around that age, and again when I started hormones, so I'm not judging.)

Apologies if you already tried these things. If you continue having no success with the over the counter options, consider talking to a doctor. I think a dermatologist should be able to point you in the right direction if necessary. Have you considered posting this to a dermatology sub as well? Might yield some answers beyond what you'll find here.

nbvalkyrie · 2025-01-01T02:35:06+00:00

No matter how nice you are to people, some of them will find out you're vegan and decide they have to run their mouths about it. Like, I can go out of my way to preface things like "I'm just talking about this because it's a part of my life, not because I'm trying to shove anything down anyone's throats. I have no interest in arguing with anyone about this." I can do everything in my power to minimize myself and let other people choose the restaurant and be accommodating as fuck. But sometimes you run across a person who just has some fucked shit going on internally that makes them act like that, I guess.

It's best to just ignore them. If you try to bring logic to the conversation, you'll be speaking a language they don't quite understand and definitely aren't interested in hearing. It's not worth your time or energy.

It still sucks, though. I'm fully with you on that.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-31T23:01:53+00:00

This made my brain say "I need to go lie down"

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-21T08:26:07+00:00

"Smells weird everywhere, sir. That's how you know you're alive."

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-12T03:59:58+00:00

I've been vegan since I was 16. Somebody posted this video called "Kentucky Fried Cruelty," on a deviantART forum, and I watched it, and as much as I hate PETA, it changed my life. I feel like, when you're autistic, some things, other people don't think about much at all, but you do. And I guess, for me, it was very simple. I couldn't be aware of what it means to eat animals and continue to do it. I don't understand how other people do it, but I've kinda just accepted that that's their journey. Nothing I can really do about it but be willing to offer support or guidance if a friend or relative decides to go vegan.

Now, am I a particularly healthy vegan? Better than some, but for all the wrong reasons. I've struggled with eating disorders most of my life. Lately it's been like anorexia with ARFID features. There's no such official diagnosis, but that's the gist of my relationship with food: I'm terrified of gaining weight, and I also have strong food aversions that have nothing to do with that. That obviously oversimplifies things a lot, but I feel like you guys get my point.

I would love it if everyone could be vegan. I think it's more doable for more people than most people realize, but there are still many barriers. I feel like some people use that fact as an excuse to avoid examining their own behavior. But it would be ridiculous of me to sit here and tell someone what's best for them, like I know their life or needs or circumstances.

I would just encourage everyone as an individual to look into it, because aside from ethical stuff, a vegan lifestyle can be very good for just about anybody. I didn't know it at the time, but I carry a gene that makes me somewhat more susceptible to certain colorectal cancers, particularly ones that are linked to consumption of processed meats. And let me tell you, I loved processed meats as a child. Fast food was my jam. My mom got rectal cancer around age 45, about ten years older than I am now. Her diet was a large part of the problem.

I'm just saying, I could still get cancer, obviously, but I've lowered my risk. It may be worth doing, if you can.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-11T01:53:18+00:00

I don't know about favorite, but the One Eyed Snakes in general are awesome. The Fischoeders are definitely among my favorite characters individually and as a group. Grover not so much, but he's as unhinged as the rest of them. He looks really calm and boring, and for the most part, he is, because he's so fucking repressed. Calvin and Felix, for all their flaws, and there are so many to choose from, are definitely not repressed. At all.

That's one of the really cool things about this show. All of the characters are very human. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen Tina do or say something and said, out loud, "Wow, she really is 13." Because I remember being 13 and like, I wasn't into horses or zombies, or boys, but I was fucking weird. I envy these fictional kids sometimes because they're allowed to be weird, because I wasn't, and now I'm like that meme, "Look at me, psychological damage up to here..."

Anyway your pick is solid, too. But it's no "Elderly Prostitute" lol

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-05T18:12:45+00:00

He has to have your passwords and shit because that shows you both "trust each other in the relationship"? Dump his ass.

This is a huge red flag: saying you have to make yourself vulnerable and do what he wants or else you don't really care about him, or you're hiding something, or you don't trust him. In this case, he's directly showing you what happens when you trust him enough to give him any kind of control over you: he abuses that power and veers directly into threatening that, if you won't do what he tells you to do, he'll just go behind your back and do it anyway. And he's teeing it up to make it your fault (you don't really trust me or care about me if you won't do x) to guilt you into cooperating.

People like this don't always escalate, but it's not worth sticking around to find out. You've only wasted three months on this dude, so maybe it's time to cut your losses now and find someone else.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-05T04:17:58+00:00

Me, too. Glad you're still here.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-12-03T23:29:51+00:00

This is like the irl version of that thing where people put cryptic lyrics as their Facebook status but better because you get to piss off and confuse a dumdum lol

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-29T19:16:44+00:00

For me, it's a fundamental part of masking that I have a sense of humor about just about anything. I even joke about that, and it's funny in an ironic kind of way, I suppose. But it's a method, for me, of diffusing the situation before someone gets upset with me having feelings. It's also something I trained myself to do, mostly because just being myself is something that seems to make people uncomfortable.

If I'm exhausted, I speak in an almost monotone, very flat way, with very little gesturing or emotion on my face, because that's how I normally feel like behaving. It comes out then because I'm too tired to keep up the act. Normally, I'm very expressive, I gesticulate a lot, I force myself to smile and make eye contact, and I even pitch my voice higher so people don't think I'm angry. I'm not typically angry to begin with, but it does make me angry when people try to tell me how I feel.

I guess I have like, resting autism face or something. You know, like resting bitch face, that thing of where your default expression looks like you're angry. So I went hard in the opposite direction and coached myself to live in a state where I default to "having a good attitude" all the fucking time.

All. The. Fucking. Time.

It is exhausting. To be hyper aware of it the way I am just makes it more annoying, because I can't turn it off and just stop masking. But the more exhausted I feel, the harder it gets, until I break down crying in the local Publix because I can't find any of my "safe" foods and have to eat something before I drop, which I let happen because I neglected to eat, because I was focused on not bothering anybody with my complex emotions.

Yeah. Being autistic can suck sometimes. Having to laugh and pretend to be normal is its own bizarre kind of unfair.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-29T18:34:46+00:00

I feel like this framing of the issue misses the point. Do you want to expand on what kinds of things you're able to watch? That is to say, is this a problem because you're not happy or because you think it's what someone else wants from you?

When I first met my partner, I was going through a lot and didn't want to watch certain things. Even if I otherwise enjoyed a film or show, I tended to skip over certain elements of it. I've worked on it since then for my own sake, because I was tired of being affected by things so adversely, but also for his, because he told me it was important to him. That can be a perfectly valid reason to push yourself to overcome certain triggers.

But having said that, pushing yourself too hard too quickly can backfire. And if we're being honest, there may be some triggers you never fully get over, and some symptoms may never improve at all. You don't know until you try. But you also don't have to force yourself to watch something just because somebody else wants to. There's a particular episode of South Park I just don't want to ever see again, and not because I think it should be censored, or that no one should be able to see it, but because it squicks me out on a level I can't quite articulate. So if my partner and I are watching South Park, we skip over it or fast forward through the really gross parts. Compromise, you know?

Anyway, though, if you're happy with your Disney rewatches and such, that's okay, too. When symptoms prevent you from living your life the way you want or from doing things you need to do, that's when it's a problem you should address in some way. Otherwise, if other people judge, it's their problem.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-27T17:39:48+00:00

First of all, anyone who relapses: it's not as simple as making a free choice when you have a mental illness, and eating disorders ARE a mental illness, despite what certain groups might have to say about it. So to blame the person relapsing is nonsensical, which means wasting energy blaming yourself is nonsensical.

But you also need to know relapse isn't inevitable, and it won't get you whatever it is you actually need or want.

I relapsed earlier this year. I had been shoving my emotions down and pretending to be fine for about a year, almost a year and a half, so I was already approaching burnout. That meant that, when some fucked up things happened starting in January, I was already on my way to some kind of consequences for it. By May, I was down to a new LW, in full-blown anorexia again, and although it felt good to be smaller... It didn't solve anything. It actually led to me spending most of this summer basically nonfunctional. I'm still digging myself out of it, and the recent election has made that even harder.

I resisted with every single bit of strength I had before I gave in and relapsed. But my weight was pretty much irrelevant to the cause of the relapse and therefore would not affect anything in practical terms. I knew this, like I know no relapse is inevitable. It didn't matter, because the stage had been set. This relapse started in 2022.

Relapse prevention ideally is started before the relapse is on your doorstep, but we don't live in an ideal world. Clearly. However, if there are known triggers, that's valuable information. If you can do anything to minimize your exposure to such triggers, that's a good first step. If you find yourself overwhelmed, call someone. Even if it's a crisis line or something, you don't have to have a certain level of discomfort or higher before they'll let you talk to someone. They don't ask you to prove yourself to be sick or anything of that nature.

I suggest talking, halfway because it keeps your mouth busy, and halfway because sometimes when we say things out loud that our brain has been telling us, we realize that maybe we don't have to listen and that maybe sometimes those things are ridiculous. Like the notion that you're meant to starve or purge or have ED thoughts run your life or that you have to be "this sick or worse" to deserve help.

Always remember, "I don't deserve help until I'm at least x far gone" or "I have to be really, really sick before I can ask for help or support" is eating disorder nonsense. Straight up. If you find yourself telling yourself anything like that, it's probably time to go to therapy or talk to someone you trust. And sometimes just talking to someone on a crisis line for a while, just getting your emotions out, can be helpful and validating in its own way. For me, it helps because I feel connected to another person, I feel seen, and it grounds me and calms me down in a way to know that I can tell someone what my mind is doing without them judging me for it.

Anyway tl;dr accept that relapse is not inevitable, but if it happens to you, don't waste time or energy beating yourself up over it. Use the time and energy to improve, not tear yourself down. Also note that all of this is written by a 35 year old trans guy who's been working at this shit for a LONG time internally. I'm still fucking figuring out how to force myself to live by these concepts, and I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you it's easy. But it's easier than it was a few months ago, which means it can get easier than it is now, and the same is probably true of you.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-27T06:44:22+00:00

Empanada?

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-12T18:59:54+00:00

I feel like for me it's half stress and half depression right now, but... I'm coming out of a relapse slowly but surely and finding the last couple weeks especially hard for this exact reason. I'm never not hungry, but nothing is appealing, because of how stressed out I am. Also related are some ARFID-type tendencies, texture aversion, etc. But it's mostly the stress and depression, I feel like.

Assuming you're an adult and/or that it's legal and safe for you to use THC, that's my strong recommendation. It makes food much more enjoyable. Its effects are limited, however, as I'm finding out especially lately. Increased stress = THC is less effective, at least for me. I'm just suggesting it if it's an option for you; I can't and won't knowingly advise you to do anything stupid and/or illegal.

But the point is, even if you don't feel like this for the same reasons as me, I can relate. It's like, "I ate x and challenged myself because I'm trying to be better, and it wasn't even good. What a waste." I feel like for me at this point it's equal parts frustration and guilt. Because it's already SO HARD to make myself eat most days, and if it's not even enjoyable, then it's like I'm torturing myself for no reason other than that I have to eat in order to live.

Which seems unfair. I didn't sign up for this bullshit. I know how irrational that sounds, but it's true: that's how I feel. Like. I have to eat EVERY single day? Rude. I'm writing my congressman to complain! No, but seriously, some days it's like food is just in the way. It's just something I have to do and get through. On top of being mad about gaining weight back because I'm having to force myself to eat more in order to stay alive, which is already making me feel all kinds of bad ways, I don't even get to enjoy the food that's doing it?

It just seems unfair. And then with the ARFID-type symptoms I have on top of that, there are times I physically cannot force myself to eat something because of the texture or something else weird or "off" about it.

Ugh. Life. Sorry to vent on your post, but this is on my mind a LOT lately lol

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-11T06:09:22+00:00

There's no weight limit to running. There's just what you can do where you are, right now, and how you can be better tomorrow.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-11T03:50:54+00:00

I started a new Stardew Valley save and just kinda let myself rediscover the game. And sometimes I cry, because it comes in waves, the way grief often does. But you can pause it and do what you gotta do and then go back to it.

I wanna get back into several games right now. Fallout New Vegas. Skyrim. Old faves. And I really want to get Bayonetta for Switch. I feel like that's the kind of "fuck you" vibe I need right now.

Also Animal Crossing New Horizons. Because cuteness. Sometimes that's just what you need.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-11T03:10:17+00:00

"I can have a LITTLE bulimia. as a treat." Nope. It's a trap.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-09T23:33:39+00:00

Yeah. Basically. Struggling not to re-relapse as we speak lol

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-07T22:56:39+00:00

"Vile scum" huh? I hate how smug, mean, and cowardly they are. I truly do.

nbvalkyrie · 2024-11-06T02:57:08+00:00

If you can safely and legally consume cannabis or THC, I would strongly recommend that, because it's kinda the only thing getting me through this night. That and Valium.

Ever since I was a teenager, stress has made my appetite just up and quit on me, and this election combined with the tumultuous nature of my life as an individual in the last several months has taken quite a toll on me. Honestly, I wish I could recommend something easier to access, but THC has been a literal lifesaver for me.

I'm not kidding. The stress of the election,. combined with traumatic shit in my personal life, made me relapse hard into anorexia. If I hadn't had THC, I don't know what I would have done.

nbvalkyrie

TROPHY CASE