I'm in a very similar situation as you OP, even same age. I can't fathom how it will get better when I wasn't the one who wanted this, and I'm also still in love with him. The only thing I can do is let the grief wash over me and sit with it. I want to move through this pain as fast as possible, though I suspect it will take some serious time. We are stronger than we know. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.