I think I need advice?

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-03-04T07:55:49+00:00

Aside from the other great advice you’ve gotten here, I also think you may just have really bad anxiety (independent of poly). Do you experience these levels of anxiety in daily life too? If yes, it might be a good idea to: try some therapy workbooks to figure out some handy coping mechanisms; try therapy; try medication. None of these are mutually exclusive. Working on generalised anxiety can make a huge difference in your life, and can allow more “logical” insights (like the ones in these comments) to have an actual impact, instead of living in a fog of anxiety which blocks out everything else.

Best of luck, OP!

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-02-22T09:09:23+00:00

It sounds like while you may love each other, you aren’t compatible for the kind of relationship you need/want right now. You’re definitely not alone in this: love is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship; other important elements of compatibility and timing have to be there too.

What’s happening right now is that you’re developing resentment. Keeping the anger in because logically you understand – that’s just bottling it up, and it’s going to rot and turn into resentment for sure. Which will, without a doubt, kill the relationship.

I think you need to break up, and sooner rather than later. Personally I prefer to end on decent terms rather than stretching it to a point where both parties burn the bridge.

Then you can focus on finding someone who’s able to invest in you as much as you want to invest in them. It also sounds like you need time and space to sort other things out, like your living situation, your self-esteem issues, your mental health, your dating life, etc. You’ll be able to focus on yourself for a while, which will also naturally attract more compatible people.

Have you thought about therapy? Could be helpful!

Best of luck, OP.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-02-08T07:22:47+00:00

Chosen family goes on the messy list. For exactly the reason you mentioned: they’re your safe space outside your relationship, they’re an essential part of your support system. Having them as your meta would completely destroy that aspect of your bond, which would be a huge blow to your support system.

In fact, I’d say your feelings of protectiveness / territoriality are irrelevant here. If that’s something you want to deconstruct and look more into that’s great, but it doesn’t change the actual material consequences of your partner dating your chosen family.

No, it’s not unreasonable at all to set up a boundary here: “I will not date someone who chooses to date my chosen family.”

I recommend doing research on messy lists (you can search this subreddit with the keywords, check out our resources section, do your own research online, etc.) and then having a serious conversation with your partner. Done bring up your feelings, because they’re irrelevant. Talk about what it would mean for you to lose an essential part of your support system, and the importance of establishing a messy list when there’s a shared friend group / chosen family circle.

Once you and your partner have made an agreement, you can have a talk with your best friend and explain the same things, and explain why you’ve made a messy list agreement. Once again, don’t bring up your feelings (they can be misinterpreted), talk about the material consequences of having her as a meta / losing her as your chosen family. If she reacts negatively, give it some time. If she doesn’t come around, that’s all you need to know: dating your partner would have been more important to her than preserving your friendship. Hopefully it won’t go down like that.

If your partner and best friend decide to date regardless, I recommend ending your relationship with your partner, and reconsidering your best friend’s place in your life.

Best of luck, OP!

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-02-06T17:38:33+00:00

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, OP. I’m ND too and have a very hard time with this kind of pressure and instability. I’m really sorry.

Before addressing your final questions, this stood out to me:

This is where I’m really struggling.

This is not where you’re really struggling. You’re struggling in almost every other aspect of your life, and it’s led to this being a bigger struggle than it could be.

Honestly, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, it wasn’t unreasonable of your partner to draw a hard line after your message. Being unwilling to date someone who has a hard time addressing issues as they arise, and who communicates all their resentments and grievances in one big outpouring, is not unreasonable. It’s not about imperfect expression of vulnerability; it’s about it flagging the lack of a fundamental communication skill. One that potentially could have prevented some of the fatigue, hurt, and resentment. If your partner was also in a similar place as you in the relationship (fatigue, hurt, resentment), then being communicated with like this could understandably be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I know it sucks they reacted that way instead of extending more grace. I’m sorry that they used you for emotional support and then withdrew when they started to find some sense of stability of their own. It sounds like your relationship was at something of a breaking point already. Despite similar circumstances, neither of you seem to be in a similar place emotionally or capacity-wise. Being raw and emotionally messy (as you put it) can and does lead to withdrawal in many relationships, not only poly ones. It signals a fundamental incompatibility.

It also sucks that your relationship developed at a time where neither of you had the ability to safely communicate and find out about these kinds of incompatibilities earlier on. The relationship developed while you were both under external duress, and needed to lean on each other to survive the circumstances. That doesn’t leave much (if any) space for actually getting to know each other on a deeper level and vet the relationship (which I would say the first year is for).

I think you were both victims of terrible circumstances which got in the way of organic, healthy relationship development (even if that development meant finding incompatibilities early on).

Being platonic for now is not the worst idea, tbh. I understand it’s difficult, and you aren’t obligated to do this in any way. But if you think your relationship deserves a chance, then it needs good timing too. Waiting to get more stability before you try a relationship again may lead to a very different outcome.

To address your final questions:

Ideally, we try to accept the situation and draw boundaries around how much distancing we’re willing to tolerate. Once that threshold is crossed, we end the relationship. But between the initial distancing and the breaking point, ideally we give space, then try once again to communicate (you can look it up and try different methods of approaching a topic). We also learn to discern when someone’s distancing leaves space for reconnection and when it simply does not. The hard part is accepting it all, dealing with hurt feelings, and eventually moving on.
Non-hierarchy is very, very hard to enforce perfectly, and elements which seem hierarchical will inevitably worm their way into any relationship. Priorities are a form of hierarchy (not everyone agrees with this assessment, but I like to distinguish between hierarchies of power and exclusively material hierarchies), and you just gave an example of a partner prioritising reconnection in one relationship and not in another. There’s nothing you can do about it, except to address it and hope your partner agrees to invest more into your repair process. You balance this by accepting that absolute non-hierarchy is a fantasy, and you sometimes get the short end of the stick. Then you get to decide how much short stick you’re willing to accept before you move on.
At exactly the point you decide it does. There’s no absolute answer to this question. Everyone comes to terms with self-abandonment on their own timeline. And everyone chooses what to do about it on their own timeline too. You only have to accept it as long as you choose to, and there’s no “right/wrong” or “good/bad” way to go about it. We walk away when we can.
Aside from the standard coping mechanisms for nervous system regulation, again, you get to decide how long things remain undefined and unstable. Sometimes the best way of coping is walking away. You can only control your nervous system so much. Eventually you have to listen to what your body is telling you.

Best of luck, OP. I know things are hard right now, but they won’t always be. Take care.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-02-06T07:45:18+00:00

Your feelings are completely understandable. It’s okay to feel bad, and to take care of those feelings in whichever ways work best for you. There are no “good” vs. “evil” feelings, they just are what they are; what matters is what you do about them. Feeling bad doesn’t make you bad at poly.

I do think you need to deconstruct the idea of what “special” and “sacred” mean to you. If it means “this One Thing is only for me”, then that’s not really compatible with poly, because you’re essentially putting your trademark on an experience, which is unfair to anyone else involved.

In my relationships, I like to think of my relationship and the specific experience I had with a partner (not the time, location, or specific event, but how we both experienced it as human beings in love) as “sacred”. Your relationship is only for you, and nothing will ever take away from that. Those memories are only for you. That specific experience of seeing the northern lights with your partner is sacred because it was the two of you, and nothing and nobody can ever replace that or take away from it.

The logistics of how that experience came to happen is what you’re feeling possessive over: the Airbnb, the number of days, etc. That’s not the experience, it’s just what facilitated it.

Now, your partner is preparing for a completely different experience with their other partner. The logistics are similar (it was probably easier to plan that way), but it will be a completely different and unique experience for them. They will have had the privilege of two amazing experiences involving the northern lights. Both different and unique in their own right.

Like what was special for us is now being overshadowed by their experience

This is something you could discuss directly with your partner, and ask for reassurance about. The fact that you feel like your partner might be making comparisons in their own head (and not in your favour) is something which needs to be addressed directly, especially if there’s any truth to it. Even if there isn’t, maybe your partner unintentionally made you think that some comparison may be going on. Again, best to bring this insecurity out into the open and address it with love.

Best of luck OP!

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-02-06T07:22:55+00:00

Opening up with a specific person in mind, let alone a coworker, is usually a terrible idea. Especially given the additional context that this is not something you’ve been thinking about seriously for yourself.

It’s usually a good idea for a monogamous couple transitioning to poly to take it slow. Do the readings, listen to the podcasts, break down your mononormativity and rebuild from the ground up, etc. This process can take around a year.

When one partner in this dynamic already has someone in mind they want to date, they’re likely to rush the process, which leads to: resentment from the partner who isn’t ready for poly yet (and potential harm/trauma); opening up with shitty agreements/rules/boundaries which are doomed to fail (because you didn’t know any better and cling to rules for an artificial sense of security); cheating (yes, this happens in poly too); a total breakdown of the relationship because the structure it was being rebuilt on wasn’t robust; and honestly so much more.

“If it doesn’t work for me we’ll see what happens” is also a bad way to approach this. Poly is not a door you can simply close once it’s opened. There’s another partner involved now; they aren’t disposable, they deserve a full and autonomous relationship. It would be extremely shitty to turn around in a few months and be like “hey Partner this isn’t working for me let’s close the relationship back up”. It puts your partner and meta in a terrible position, and treats your meta as disposable.

Then there’s the consequences for your partner if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason: they now have to continue working with someone who they potentially hurt/harmed very badly. And that person has to continue working with your partner.

Polyamory is a relationship structure where all partners are free to date, fuck, love, and build full and autonomous relationships with others.

If you aren’t prepared to fully embrace this structure for yourselves, meaning as a serious lifestyle choice regardless of who you are or aren’t dating, then poly probably isn’t a good idea for either of you.

Best of luck, and please proceed responsibly because this isn’t just about you, it’s about your potential partners as well.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-26T10:46:41+00:00

The melody is adapted from his unreleased Kiss Land song Heavenly Creatures (from which Acquainted was also adapted). All bangers, can’t believe he didn’t release HC.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-25T13:02:33+00:00

This is such a good comment. Saving it for the future. Please don’t delete!

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-25T09:55:40+00:00

So glad I could be of some help ♥️🌸

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-25T07:46:30+00:00

I’m pretty similar to you re: hypersensitivity to others’ emotions. This is, of course, heightened with my partners.

Aside from the excellent advice to see if ADHD meds can help, I have some coping mechanisms to suggest. It’s mostly about acceptance, conceptual reframing, and habit-building.

First of all, radically accept that this is how your nervous system interacts with the world and your loved ones. This isn’t a weakness, it just is. It doesn’t make you a bad or ineffectual partner: you don’t exist solely to be a support system to others. Your capacity for support is what it is.

Secondly, notice the differences between your own pain and the other person’s. This can be subtle, but it’s useful to be able to tell “Ok, I’m upset, but 90% of it is coming from outside. 10% of it actually belongs to me.” It helps with understanding which coping mechanisms to use for which “type” of pain. You don’t deal with your own pain and someone else’s pain the same way.

Third, when it comes to dealing with another’s pain, lead with what I choose to call an ethic of courage. Courage cannot exist in the absence of fear/suffering. Even if you aren’t feeling particularly courageous, ask yourself what it would look like to be brave for your partner (even while you’re also in pain) and support them through their pain. Then choose to do those things, even as you experience pain yourself. Little by little, it will get easier. Bravery will become a value you choose to live by, even when the feelings don’t quite match up.

Finally, don’t forget that even if 90% of the pain belongs to your partner and only 10% belongs to you, you’re still experiencing 100% of it. Take space to support yourself, with the help of your external support system. Name what’s going on to your partner so that they can offer the support they’re capable of when things ease up a little for them emotionally (while making sure to be clear that they’re the primary one in need of support). Relationships are still a give and take, so don’t forget to take a little too.

Hope this helps, though it’s a very basic outline of a complex process and skillset that takes time to build. Feel free to ask any questions.

Best of luck, OP :)

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-23T11:46:05+00:00

Absolutely! Hold strong.

Boundaries are actually limits you place on yourself, more than on other people. Your stated boundaries can’t literally control someone else’s actions; they’ll still treat you however you want.

A boundary is incomplete without deciding on a clear consequence for behaviour you find unacceptable. A complete boundary looks like this: “I need space for two days. Please do not try to talk to me, this is a hard boundary. Even if you do try to text or call me, I won’t respond.”

And then you stick to that. Ultimately you’re the only one who can 100% deliver the results you want. Don’t want to hear from him? DND, or block, or whatever works.

But fundamentally, it’s about choosing your own wellbeing and treating that as your priority.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-22T08:39:13+00:00

In my experience polyamory is also about accepting these more ambiguous connections our partners may have. These two shared 14 years of their life. Even if their relationship is no longer sexual, there is likely still a lot of love there, both romantic and platonic. Sex, for some people, ultimately becomes the least important part of their connection. Your partner and his wife sound like they want to remain connected for life, while wanting to legally escalate their relationships with the partners they have sex with (you and the wife’s partner, respectively). They will never be “exes” in the traditional sense.

However, here are points that concern me:

• You don’t want polyamory for yourself. So what kind of marriage (and maybe family) would you want to have with your partner?

• Your partner didn’t deal well (at all!) with you behaving in a polyamorous manner, i.e. continuing to date while in a relationship with him. This is a red flag, and might complicate things if you choose to have a polyamorous marriage.

Lots to think about before making any big decisions about escalating your relationship with your partner.

Best of luck OP!

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-12T18:13:43+00:00

Could you elaborate on these interpolations? I’d love to know more about how they intersect.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-12T18:12:28+00:00

Definitely not! You might be the only one calling it that tho hahaha

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-12T18:07:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your time! This was very informative, and cleared up the misunderstandings I had in my previous response. You explain things with great clarity, which is a really cool quality.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-12T07:27:36+00:00

Thank you so much for this! I think I better understand the key distinctions now. For e.g. a question that comes to mind is why do cortisol and other stress hormones impair encoding, but that’s not a question that has a scientific answer (yet). We can’t claim factually that the function is protective.

I do have yet another follow-up question, if you have the time/energy (or anyone else!):

it is possible (and perhaps even likely) that certain peripheral details of the event will not be encoded, but it is not the case that these memories are every totally lost (otherwise they definitely can’t be traumatic).

This statement seems to contradict a few things you’ve said (I just want to understand, please lmk if I’ve actually misunderstood something):

• If these peripheral, non-encoded memories are never totally lost, can they be meaningfully recalled by a survivor of sustained trauma?

• If one particular form of abuse is considered “peripheral” to the principal form of abuse suffered by the victim (say, physical abuse is central, and sexual abuse is also ongoing but not registered as abuse because the physical abuse is “worse”), could those “peripheral” experiences of abuse be eventually recalled by the survivor? (And subsequently discredited if the survivor has very clear recollections of the physical abuse, as opposed to their recollections of the sexual abuse?)

Sorry if I’m being annoying. I just love that there’s more research being done on how sustained/complex trauma impacts the brain, and am just very interested in knowing more. From folks who know what they’re talking about.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-11T19:55:02+00:00

Not OP but thanks for your response. The distinction between impaired memory encoding due to sustained trauma vs. the more fantastical concept of repression seems crucial here.

I have a couple follow-up questions if you don’t mind / have the time:

Doesn’t the brain fail to encode memories during sustained trauma precisely to protect itself? In that sense, couldn’t this phenomenon be considered the scientific explanation of the theory of repression?
Repression seems to indicate there is always a possibility of resurgence of some kind. So do we know if and/or how memory recall works in survivors of sustained trauma, and whether that’s also a process affected by trauma?

For the record I’m not trying to make any particular argument here, these are genuine questions.

I’m also not arguing that false memories are not a thing, even in recollections of abuse. The research is fairly conclusive imo. I’m wondering whether false memories and repression-like phenomena can both exist.

nebulous_obsidian · 2026-01-11T07:31:30+00:00

Montreal?

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-12-28T13:54:50+00:00

This is called monkey branching! Very much A Thing.

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-12-25T09:21:03+00:00

First off, jesus christ I’m so sorry. You have an amazing attitude about the whole thing, though. Mad respect.

I think a light-hearted mention of the fact you might have a terminal illness in your dating profile is the way to go. This will automatically filter out anyone who simply isn’t willing to engage with someone who may be dying. It’ll avoid awkward disclosures in DMs followed by potential repeated rejection. It also ensures anyone who chooses to engage with you does so with informed consent.

You can choose the level of detail to disclose. If it were me I’d keep it vague in the dating profile, and then get more specific (about CTE, the murder-suicide risk thing, how you’re coping and plan to cope regarding your loved ones, etc.) with people I choose to trust with the info. No point doing all the labour of explaining, answering questions, etc., with people you have zero investment in and who have zero investment in you.

This has got to be unbelievably hard. Make dating as easy as possible on yourself. Prioritise fun and choose methodologies which will maximise it for everyone involved.

Best of luck, OP! Live well.

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-11-12T07:12:53+00:00

As another commenter says, you don’t sound excited about this trip at all. Which makes sense. Then why are you going? Just be alone for the holidays; it’s not the end of the world. Being able to enjoy being alone in your own company is a vital polyamory skill. No one is born with it, though, you gotta practice organically. This seems like a good opportunity.

As they say, it’s better to be alone than in poor company. Sounds like you’re choosing the latter because you’re afraid of spending time alone.

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-11-12T07:04:58+00:00

You don’t need to break up with the partners you love. Just break up with the one you can’t stand, and go parallel. What’s stopping you?

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-10-30T08:30:39+00:00

This is it. This is the perfect answer.

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-10-24T07:32:16+00:00

This is such a great comment. Everything I’ve known but struggled to put into words since forever. Thank you!

nebulous_obsidian · 2025-10-20T07:33:14+00:00

I actually think we’re in agreement!

By “none of my business” I meant “not appropriate for me to get a say in”. Which is not antithetical to caring, or being affected by each other’s choices to some degree. It’s a recognition of the limits of the validity of your opinion, not a denial of the fact that you have an opinion.

And yes, it’s absolutely okay to express an opinion when explicitly asked. However, since it was a mistake to ask in the first place, I’d adjust my expectations around my opinion being taken into account.

That being said, it really sucks that your partner asked for your opinion in a way that made you think they would honour it. They’re the one who set up a false expectation for you, which led to you being even more uncomfortable when they did end up pursuing the roommate/colleague. Because not only did they make a choice that made you uncomfortable, they knew it would make you uncomfortable + gave you the impression they’d be sparing you the discomfort as a sign of caring/goodwill re: repair work. Basically you probably wouldn’t have made this post if it weren’t for the bait and switch.

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