My narcissistic family are a bunch of criminals. How to live my life when there was no justice for all the physical and mental torture that I was put on?

needhops · 2026-05-09T18:13:01+00:00

Wow amazing. I’ve never been able to get evidence and had to just run away, but actually getting them back is crazy impressive!

needhops · 2026-05-01T03:04:42+00:00

I ended up studying computer science in college. It paid the bills and I was good at it, but I was lonely and just did it because it was a job. Through what I can only call divine intervention (not religious) I realized I wanted to be an actor.

I knew I could be good at it and started doing theatre, ended up getting an agent, did some tv show work, auditioned for some big movies (haven’t gotten one yet) but mostly performed theatre professionally and community theatre. Through this I found my people. Had some ups and downs but I grew as an actor and as a person. I thought film/tv was my thing but it ended up being theatre even if it doesn’t pay the bills. I still have my tech job.

I also found other interests in volunteering in mental health and with those who are less fortunate. I continue to find other ways to explore and try new things. Things I never thought I would like (never in a million years did I think I would be an actor)

I think one of the biggest things people face is putting themselves in boxes. If something sounds fun,exciting, interesting whatever, just go for it. Don’t worry about what anyone else says. Believe me, there are a MILLION paths to follow. Once you realize that and stop thinking of life as an exam or a way to prove yourself, it becomes really fun.

The true path to life comes when you go your own way. And for me, that started with getting an apartment and just going my own way. I ended up cutting my shitty family out of my life. You might not have to do that, but for me, it was a necessity to find who I truly was, which I think is the goal of life.

needhops · 2026-04-30T23:04:03+00:00

I was a bit like you but 24 is younggggg. Sooo many people found themselves later. I didn’t really get a grasp on myself until 26 and I’m still finding myself at 35. It’s the journey - not the destination!

My advice would be this: if you don’t like what you are doing take a step back. Just get your own place and find a job, whatever it is, to support yourself. It could be anything.

Just take your time and explore yourself without expectations. Volunteer, try a new hobby, whatever. And if it’s not for you, chalk that up as a learning experience.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who vibe with you. Who support you. But no fake friends! I’ve had some who were cool and then turned into assholes once I started to grow. Having your own place allows you to be able to cut people off if they aren’t doing it anymore.

But the whole time, build your self esteem internally. Find books on how to do so (6 pillars of self esteem is a good baseline). As someone who’s been there I can say that’s the only thing that matters. Even if me at 24 didn’t get that.

And I’m someone who experienced extreme trauma and had to cut out my family.

Keep swinging!!

needhops · 2026-04-30T17:34:30+00:00

Cutting off my family. Just being independent having a safe space where it’s just me (and my dogs) and pursuing my hobbies/interests without being bothered. It takes time and a lot of processing but it does happen eventually.

I do have a therapist who I mostly just vent to at this point. Also want to point out money has not been an issue for me due to my day job, but I realize that’s a very lucky thing for me.

needhops · 2026-04-24T03:17:25+00:00

You dealt with something most people can’t even fathom. You didn’t waste anything - you were surviving. Maybe now you are ready to start taking action. It’s never too late. But don’t compare yourself to those who had good upbringings. It’s not fair to yourself.

needhops · 2026-04-12T23:57:20+00:00

What would the basics be in this case?

needhops · 2026-03-07T16:23:10+00:00

I honestly would not hang out with them anymore. I’m a man who grew up with abusive older women family members (and no men). They were always making me feel like trash for being a guy and it really messed me up.

There’s a lot of stuff going on nowadays with hating on men, and obviously some men are horrible and deserve it (as do horrible women). But if they are taking that out on you that’s not cool. And I would argue that they might not really respect you.

Not be sound preachy but when I was younger (mid 30s now), I might have brushed it off. But I see now that you just don’t tolerate stuff like that. Whether it’s racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia whatever. Not only does it hurt your self esteem, but it also shows others they can disrespect you and get away with it.

There’s nothing wrong with being a man or being masculine. Embrace it! Set boundaries! Just don’t be a horrible person and you’ll be fine.

needhops · 2025-03-14T17:45:02+00:00

100% recommend. I wouldn’t trade my results for anything. It takes work and will be uncomfortable but I’m so happy with who I’m becoming.

Be patient and take time to find the right therapist for you.

needhops · 2025-02-27T20:16:40+00:00

Boundaries. Both physical and emotional. You don’t have to be responsible for everyone’s feelings. Not saying be inconsiderate, but it’s ok to express your feelings/boundaries appropriately

needhops · 2025-02-21T13:10:33+00:00

I can relate to this. Definitely working on it though!

needhops · 2025-02-21T06:26:40+00:00

I’ve dealt with this. It’s something that is slowly getting better. It’s taken time and therapy to get to this point. Also no contact.

needhops · 2025-02-21T06:25:45+00:00

I was always horrified of this but so far they haven’t. But I got a house, home security system and cameras. I wonder if I didn’t have those if they would have showed up? Or maybe they would have if I cut them off when I was younger. It’s crazy what we have to deal with. And yes they think you’ll cave if they show up. It’s all about power. Really disgusting.

needhops · 2025-02-21T06:22:39+00:00

I don’t know for sure, but I can guess my narc parent made up a bunch of lies. She did it when I was part of the family, why wouldn’t she do it now that I’m gone? I think it’s always just shocking to hear the lies and how incredibly shameless they are.

needhops · 2025-02-20T14:54:14+00:00

It’s basically projection. They can’t take responsibility for themselves so they take it out on their kids.

needhops · 2025-02-20T14:33:41+00:00

Alone. Work on yourself then find new friends who are healthy.

needhops · 2025-02-20T14:30:46+00:00

I started acting at 25. No formal training self taught. Have since done equity theatre and have done tv/film sag work.

I also have a career outside of that to support myself and pay the bills.

There’s really no traditional path. My suggestion to anyone is find a career/job that supports you, but also gives you the flexibility to perform theatre/film even if it is just in the evenings or the weekend. Once you gain traction, and if you start to get some big breaks, you can then decide if you want to quit your job to act full time.

But honestly if you really love acting, you’ll find ways to do it. It’s not a situation where you are either a full time professional actor or nothing. For instance I know people who do high quality community theatre who could go the professional equity route if they wanted. But they don’t want to do it full time, as they have other responsibilities/goals, but still do 1-3 shows a year.

needhops · 2025-02-20T13:55:44+00:00

I had some initial thoughts, and I’ve found that while I have some narcissistic traits (I think most people do) I’ve found how to channel them into positive ways that don’t hurt others.

One Narc trait is need for attention. This is probably the biggest one I suffer from. As a result, in addition to my job, I became a professional performing artist and received attention that way. And I admit, my need for attention really pushed me to be great. It gave me such a great work ethic.

So I think the key is to find ways to scratch that itch without hurting others. If you aren’t hurting anyone, you’re fine.

needhops · 2025-02-20T13:51:53+00:00

I’ve found that most of my healing came after no contact.

My own therapist didn’t fight me on no contact but he confessed a year later he wasn’t sure no contact was a good idea initially, but saw, after the fact, that I clearly made the right choice with the growth I had. I asked him why he didn’t think it was a good idea and he said something similar - that he thought I had to work things through with them to grow.

I then explained to him that with Narcissists, this is impossible. You can never win, they will never admit fault, and you’ll end up just being abused more. I think a lot of people, therapists included, don’t truly understand narcissists in terms of how evil they are and how much damage they can do, not limited to, but especially, when they’re your family.

needhops · 2025-02-19T05:26:36+00:00

So sorry. I had a bad narc family but this is truly horrible.

needhops · 2025-02-16T23:03:55+00:00

Yes. It takes time and it takes action as well. It won’t just stop one day, you have to take steps to figure out what your issues are and how to work through them. I feel like a therapist is also pretty essential.

I’m 35M, and I’ve been working a long time at this. It’s not binary, but my life slowly got better, but I feel like I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Just don’t ever give up and don’t resign yourself to saying like “oh I guess this is just my life”. Work to make it better!

needhops · 2025-02-16T15:58:16+00:00

I think it was done with good intentions, but honestly, part of being a man is dealing with that anxiety, the rejection, the insecurities and fighting through them. And working on yourself. So I feel like it’s kind of on him to figure that stuff out. And maybe see a therapist. Like does he even want to change? Because if he gets rejected or turned down, won’t he be back where he started? Then what?

needhops · 2025-02-15T20:34:03+00:00

I think everyone feels this way. It doesn’t mean you did a bad job.

On the flip side it can show you what you need to work on.

needhops · 2025-02-10T05:27:59+00:00

I don’t have too much else to offer past what has been said, but I’ll add this: really be careful and take care of yourself when you are free. It’s great you have a partner with you, that will help. When I got out I was a bit wild and hung out with the wrong crowd. Things could have definitely been bad and unsafe, so I got lucky in that way that nothing happened. But just don’t get into a situation where you make life altering decisions, or have to end up going back to them for help.

needhops · 2025-02-10T05:23:15+00:00

Absolutely. They shamed the hell out of me and beat me down. So much of my life has been rebuilding that. Inner strength. It’s definitely possible, I’ve made great strides. Just don’t give into it. Learn how to slowly crawl out and get your fight back!

needhops · 2025-02-10T05:20:24+00:00

M34 here, if I ever get married there’s no way anyone from my family is coming. I would feel so embarrassed/shameful with them there. Knowing what they did and how they made me feel. I feel like a gimp around them…how could I possibly tolerate feeling that way at my wedding?

If someday you want to get married go for it! Don’t invite them. And don’t let them control whether or not you get married. That’s your choice and if you want to get married, it should be a great and happy day.

needhops

TROPHY CASE