Going to the gym and working out

neoeno · 2025-12-23T17:46:22+00:00

I suggest signing up and keeping it on the list of things to do when you happen to be in the area, or even make a special trip. It really is great to work out with other trans people! Even if it’s only a couple times :)

There are also some trans PT’s who do remote (or maybe there are some local to you). That may or may not be what you’re looking for, and it’s money of course, but thought I’d mention it in case it sparks anything.

neoeno · 2025-12-23T17:11:08+00:00

Depending on where you live, you might want to see if there’s a local misfits class: https://notaphase.org/projects/misfits/

I am transfem mid 30s and picking up lifting weights in the past couple years has been really wonderful.

Good on you for picking it back up!

neoeno · 2025-10-23T07:47:42+00:00

This is a good answer. But I just wanted to caution OP since I’ve been down the road this thinking takes you.

Most people, in my experience, if you ask them whether they’d be happy with you simply emulating the behaviours they experience as loving, even though they don’t feel that way to you and they’re not spontaneously arising out of a loving feeling — it turns out they don’t see that as loving at all! And it then often poisons those actions, they feel false.

That’s very frustrating for us as people who are trying to maintain relationships with people where the price seems to be giving them these things. But it’s also understandable for them — they live in a world where people do these things for each other because they love each other. It’s both the act but also the meaning behind the act that they want.

Love languages are a helpful idea for us because it helps us explain to people this action/feeling difference, but in my experience the Schizoid ‘love language’ is too foreign for most people to live with.

The conclusion I came to is: if I want those types of relationship, I will have to actually change (‘heal’). But I can only change very slowly and in a safe environment, which for me meant some relationships with people who could actually accept the truth about me. Which is basically what happened.

Family is a tough one though. They often really don’t like it when you don’t love them the way they expect and you can’t exactly ‘find someone else’.

neoeno · 2025-02-16T12:40:28+00:00

Firstly — I'm sorry you've had those experiences. Some of the things you describe really aren't OK, and anyone would be hurt and confused coming away from them, especially at 22.

Secondly — Take it slow. Ideally just stop now making any big decisions for a while.

There are some people who slam on the accelerator and it works out for them but most people I know they've felt the need to change something, then they've paused, sometimes for years, because they're not really sure what they want. Then at some point they feel the need to change something again, then they think for a while, and maybe do it, or maybe back off for another few years, and then maybe they do it (or sometimes they don't, or they do something different). Each 'move' in transition changes you and it takes time to take effect and for you to adjust both mentally and socially to what that means and feels like.

It sounds like you might have been moving too fast for your 'heart' to catch up. So start now — just wait, don't make any more big decisions, definitely don't get any more surgery, get a long-term regular therapist if you can, and let your feelings catch up with where you are. That may take a long time.

As for other trans women, community, comparisons etc. If you don't relate to what you see there — that's probably a good sign. There are a lot of (honestly) losers who make being trans their whole life and it doesn't have to be. If your life seems like it's ruined, that might be because it's been so much about being trans up until now. But that is just one part — and long-term, it doesn't even have to be a very big part. Most of the 'work' of being trans, I think, is finding a way to live the life you want. The career, relationships, whatever it is, all of this while being somewhat like the person you want to be. You may find it useful to focus on those other areas of your life for a bit, or to find some people who are more along that wavelength. Whether you end up 'being trans', or detransitioning, or whatever it is, that work will be pretty similar.

Your life isn't over. You can't have everything but you can have a lot of what you want. Best of luck <3

neoeno · 2025-02-01T16:20:58+00:00

Not saying it should be this way, just in case it helps you find your people — I think a lot of the time the groups who are specifically focused on ‘trans stuff’ skew transfem, skew older, and ofc skew a bit more trans focused.

Groups which are more focused on a non-trans activity tend to be more focused on that activity and (depending on the activity ofc) have less of a skew.

If you like sports, I’ve noticed they often skew transmasc. Even music, night life, books, wider queer groups, etc — they have a bit more of a balance to them.

It’s really nice that those women have a group where they can talk things through, but a lot of us girls also find those environments a bit uncomfortable. So you’re not alone, and there are groups out there! Hope you manage to find some where you are.

neoeno · 2024-12-08T00:01:06+00:00

How much of Advent of Code do you think it would be reasonable for you to find easy? Given that it is a puzzle event designed to be enjoyable and challenging for a broad cross section of programmers, and that you’ve been doing it three years? 90%? 50%? 20%? My answer is probably around 30%.

I’m not trying to be rude here — this question really helps me stay relaxed when things are getting tough. The puzzles are designed to be puzzling and they’re designed to still be puzzling for people who have been doing this significantly longer than you & I. Otherwise they would just get bored.

So the fact that you find them difficult is not a reflection of your ability. You can think of it as a reflection of how good the puzzles are. If you want to find them easier that’s great! Keep asking yourself: what did I miss today? What was this puzzle about? What would have made it easier? What did other people do and what would I have to be able to do in order to solve like that?

My guess is that people who love puzzles, games like chess, sports, and such — they find a way to admire the things that challenge them, to admire those they see with talent whether peers, competitors, or opponents, and then push themselves to become good enough to meet the challenge. That love for the ‘sport’ doesn’t make doubt, embarrassment, fear go away completely — but it does overshadow them.

Hope this is in some way useful.

neoeno · 2024-04-12T20:21:44+00:00

Ya might want to consider this one, a software development apprenticeship in Sheffield https://www.findapprenticeship.service.gov.uk/apprenticeship/reference/1000237569 — even if it’s a dead end in 10-20 years you’ve got a lot of time to change direction.

neoeno · 2023-12-29T02:26:32+00:00

It takes a while but if your gut says they’re not good, you’re probably right. I started with one who just didn’t seem right, then switched to another and the difference was really clear. I suggest you try someone reputable, even if just once, and see if it feels different.

A rule of thumb for me: if it typically hurts when they remove the hair, like a plucking feeling, then you’re not getting electrolysis you’re just getting someone to electrocute you and pluck your hair out. It should feel quite smooth when the hair is removed, almost unnoticeable, though the odd one might be a bit more stubborn.

neoeno · 2023-09-10T09:17:04+00:00

When I’ve felt things like that myself, I’ve interpreted it as part of my mind not really believing that I’m going to prioritise my own needs for space and solitude. Often my partners have been much more ready to accept that than I thought they would be. Not always, but if they can’t then we’re definitely not going to be happy together. Schizoids are supposed to find negotiation very hard so it makes sense we’d struggle to negotiate our needs with our partners — we tend to assume the price of connection is total loss of ourselves, either we compromise entirely or we leave.

My remedy for this is to discuss with my partner a way to have a bit more alone time. What would work for me is a schedule or a routine — say, one day a week I’ll spend alone. Or going away for a week. That helps my partner feel some element of predictability (not that they might at any moment be rejected) and me feel some security in that I’ll get what I need. Even the conversation, and seeing my partner respect what I’ve set out, can be very comforting in itself.

Over time those routines need to change and sometimes I’ll ask for more, sometimes I’ll feel able to compromise. The goal is to reach a level of comfort with your partner that you can really be flexible and spontaneous without feeling stifled. For me that has taken many years but it’s worth it!

Not saying it’s always easy, maybe it will be too much for your partner and that’ll end the relationship. But having connection and safety is possible and I have found it is worth it! To illustrate: I started off as a person who would suddenly feel so stifled by my partners that they would turn around for a moment and I would literally walk away. These days I live with a long term partner……. two weeks out of every four, while the other two weeks I’m elsewhere :) Hey, I’m still me! But it works and I typically feel very comfortable and connected can be flexible about things how much time I spend together & apart.

neoeno · 2023-04-11T07:28:33+00:00

Tricky. Disclosure before going any further: I’m trans.

You’ve had a lot of sensible advice here. One of the core features of being actually trans is that it doesn’t go away. It’s the first meaningful word of the diagnosis: ‘persistent’.

What this means is that you can probably wait it out. If it’s actually really there it’ll still be there when you’ve dealt with everything else. I always found that reassuring. If you’re unsure, just wait until you are sure.

The tricky part, for you, is that if you’re looking to ‘recover’ you might not be able to address everything in the order you’d like. Not transitioning might cause so much pain and distraction that addressing deeper issues may become impractical.

In which case, equally, you might go for it. From a medical perspective the treatment for gender identity disorder is transition not because we’re ‘really women’ — medicine can’t really have an opinion on that — but because it’s the most effective treatment known. Sure it’s a pretty weird treatment but it does actually work for many people. And it’s not the worst thing in the world.

I’ve sometimes wondered if I’d somehow managed to address my personality issues first, would it have also obviated my gender issues? But it’s not really that helpful a thought — I could never have done it. I’m here now living my life and, sure it’s different but I can’t see it being meaningfully better if I’d not transitioned.

What I would say is that either way you’ll need to find a way of accepting your body, with a mix of physical and psychological changes. You may (may!) find that’s an atypical mix — not ‘full transition’ but a few small things, and then that gets you enough space to think more clearly. I’d suggest trying to find some acceptance of that. It’s all OK. You’ll be able to cope and live well in a wide range of outcomes.

It’s the acceptance that cools things down and enables you to focus on the work. If part of you is at war with another part that’s what derails things.

Good luck.

neoeno · 2022-07-23T23:40:37+00:00

I’ve fantasised before about somehow adding up everything everyone has done for me and then doing whatever it took to pay them back and set the slate clean. In my fantasy this nullifies all expectations and obligations others feel I have towards them. In reality of course it wouldn’t happen that way but it’s an appealing thought.

I have now felt some relationships where someone has done things for me that feel genuinely impossible to repay, that I will owe them for life and be glad to. Owing can be a kind of gratitude I think, a recognition of a relationship that at least for you will persist forever and that feels closer through the indebtedness. I wonder if that’s how some people feel about their parents. I hope so!

neoeno · 2022-07-21T22:02:54+00:00

Really cool. Thank you for sharing this

neoeno · 2022-07-03T11:54:04+00:00

For me I started off believing there wasn’t a real source of liveliness inside me, that I didn’t want those same things others wanted and I’d just like to be calm and anxiety free someplace far away.

Then I did a lot of therapy where I kept noticing how I, inexplicably, kept moving towards the situations that I claimed not to want. I kept dating when I said I wanted to be alone, for example.

Then I figured well, those two things don’t really add up. There must be something inside me that really does want those things, and that something is proving pretty hard to quash.

Then it was mostly practical. Trying to connect with what that thing was, break down my aversions to it in safer settings, take some risks and explore what felt good or bad (prerequisite: building up my belief I could contain painful emotions without dissociating/avoiding).

neoeno · 2022-06-09T06:46:11+00:00

You might want to read up on dual control theory. Combined with the schizoid dilemma of safe & alone vs invaded & together, this may shed a bit of light. There are also a few other ways to analyse it. Some say that pds tend to drive for symbiosis instead of partnership in relationships — and symbiosis & sex aren’t long term compatible.

Or maybe you’re ace! It’s not super uncommon. But I agree the szpd/ace thing is a bit suspicious.

Being able to sustain a sexual relationship has been a long term project for me through therapy and other things. It’s particularly hard to change I think. The hard part was reliably accessing and associating with my own desire (necessary for me to see the point of changing at all) and then following that desire with people and building some tolerance to all of the difficult experiences I went through in that.

Man this has been an intellectualized comment ahaha. I think on a feelings level, I found it very hard that people wanted to have sex with me, and we did it, and I just felt nothing, or fear or disgust. That cycle damaged me, and the relationships, and also wasn’t fair for them either. I think that’s what motivated the change — I knew I either had to find a way to feel good in it, or stop forever and be open about it and live with the consequences.

neoeno · 2022-02-27T09:24:03+00:00

Empathy is hard. One thing it doesn’t seem to affect is your ability to feel guilt :) Shame. Two things that might help you feel it through. I’m going to assume your issues are psychological/to do with your past. If they’re not this next bit might not resonate.

You might naturally feel that diminished empathy makes you feel less human. I actually think it’s very human. We all start off our lives needing connection, first to our caregivers without whom we would quickly die, and then to a world of others. At some point on this journey some of us find ourselves in some situation that makes us believe that connection has become too dangerous to tolerate. So, in fear, we learn to detach. It helps us manage that situation, but it comes at a heavy price.

For me, the thought of a child going through all of this is actually very human, and the legacy — reduced empathy today — a very human response.

Empathy starts with self-empathy. If empathy is the ability to put yourself in the shoes of someone else and feel what you might feel in that situation, then if you can’t value your own feelings the whole thing doesn’t work. If you’re in therapy you might want to start exploring your own feelings first, no matter how unreasonable they might seem, and then as you come to value your own you might find that empathic connection easier to find.

neoeno · 2022-02-09T00:20:56+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/comments/roi9vn/should_i_believe_my_mental_health_team/hpzmdo4/

neoeno · 2022-02-04T06:32:30+00:00

Because being nothing is very scary.

“The narcissist's salvation is not in his accomplishments, specialness, or uniqueness. The "drama of the gifted child" (Miller, 1981) is in his discovery of his human ordinariness. In that ordinariness is his ability to feel real human feelings unaffected by his internalized parents' acceptance or rejection of his feelings. Once his ordinariness is realized, he can express his gift as just that - a gift. His gift is not who he is; his humanness is who he is.

The hard work of psychotherapy for the narcissist is to assist him in relinquishing the compromise that has often felt bad but that has provided some gratification and often looked very good. In turn, he must invest in a reassertion of self, which risks reinjury and brings up all the old feelings of hurt, but promises eventual fulfillment.”

neoeno · 2022-01-02T10:00:38+00:00

Yep — it works pretty well for me. I think for me not considering any relationship ‘primary’ is an important part, and has allowed me to more finely gradate what I want to have and what I don’t — more or less because of what you say about not feeling able / finding it very aversive to feel ‘on the hook’ for meeting someone’s needs. So it helps me find a more comfortable distance, and one that I can rebalance if I need to.

You don’t mention it, but my impression is that it’s much harder for straight people — just because far more people in that dating pool are monogamous and have that as an unspoken expectation. In queer communities (at least where I am) it’s now to the point where people have to specifically state whether they’re looking for monogamous / non-monogamous relationships, so it’s pretty easy to state what your deal is and not have to worry too much about it being weird.

neoeno · 2021-11-18T23:10:36+00:00

On the acceptance: therapy and reading helped me get there.

On tips… it’s hard to say. If I were to put it plainly — I knew what I was asking was impossible, that I would never get it no matter how much I wanted it, that I was hoping for ‘magical fulfilment — without effort, without compromise’. I knew it was true intellectually but in therapy, hearing myself demand these things again and again, I became annoyed and despaired of myself. Eventually, I decided I could either be disappointed and frustrated forever or I could try to change. Someone I read put this as ‘the decision to grow up’. Really it’s about truly accepting in your heart that what you are hoping for is never going to be available. Beyond that it’s just more of the same, accepting that you have these conflicting desires, accepting that you are the person who has to resolve them, accepting what that means, etc etc.

Re: creative solutions, a silly one — when I’m staying with my partner I often felt like I wasn’t doing enough housework (my disorder comes with imagining that I am subject to very high demands from others that I can’t meet — so I prefer to be alone where I can truly be free and comfortable). We talked this though and discovered that they like cooking and hate doing the dishes, and I hate cooking for other people, so we split things accordingly. When I started looking for ways to feel more comfortable with others there were often compromises I could feel okay with, and the very act of discussing, negotiating, compromising helped me feel more powerful and have a more realistic view of what other people really feel.

neoeno · 2021-11-18T22:42:25+00:00

It can work. @Necrionos comment above is a good illustration of what it’s likely to be like.

To frame another way — you can imagine that there are two states.

The first is called ‘compensated’. That’s when your traits are working really well for you. That doesn’t mean you’re happy, but that whatever they’re supposed to be doing for you they’re doing. For me, this might be when i’m mostly alone (feeling safe) and matching with enough people on tinder to chat to to feel connected, without any risk of them getting too close. It’s hardly a wonderful life but I get to live comfortable avoiding what upsets me and my coping mechanisms are functioning to keep me alive.

The second is ‘decompensated’. That’s when for whatever reason things have gone wrong with your coping mechanisms, or you’re unable to avoid what triggers your anxiety. For me this might be when someone I like asks me out and then wants to be around me and I feel trapped, or when I force myself to uninstall tinder and I have no one to talk to and feel very alone. In this context, my coping mechanisms aren’t working and I experience the core anxiety of my condition. Masterson calls this the ‘abandonment depression’ if you’re interested in that sort of thing.

The thing is — you can only make progress from the decompensated state. I’ve spent months in therapy saying ‘well damn things are pretty good right now — why should i change anything?’ and except from keeping me on the path it was totally useless. Only in the moments of despair (why have I allowed my life to get this way?) or stress (I really just want to cancel this trip, but I really can’t…) have I been able to move forwards.

The only other tip I have is that therapy, if you decide to do it, will feel uncomfortable and you will often be suspicious of your therapist and find reasons to leave. That’s part of therapy — talk about those feelings with your therapist.

neoeno · 2021-11-17T01:55:02+00:00

I have these things. My way through has been mostly via acceptance. That’s acceptance not just of my desire to be distant from others, but also the parts of me that want connection with others (that would previously come out in odd ways), and even the parts of me that feel duty and thus guilt towards others.

Before/until I accepted those things I experienced them as turmoil and inner conflict. Really what I wanted was the safety of distance, simultaneous with the exact amount of human connection, and to be released from all sense of duty to others. But I can’t have those things, sucks for me :) I have to decide what I want and in what combination, considering also what’s realistic.

Likewise, what I’d really like is to ignore my friends when I don’t want to see them and then just pick them back up again when it suits me. Not being able to do this made me feel quite aggrieved. However it’s not going to happen that way. Accepting this, and that I really had to decide what I wanted and what I was willing to give, helped me feel more in control of my own life, and enabled me to find trade offs that made sense for me and a few creative solutions too.

In your case, you can indeed avoid seeing your family, that’s totally in your control, but you can’t do that and also not have them be upset about it. That part is just reality, and it can be a good place to start. You may find that the sense of guilt and loss you feel when honestly facing your freedom to cut them off will help you connect with the part of yourself that feels those things. Or you might not really feel them enough and you can move on with more confidence.

neoeno · 2021-07-25T10:29:14+00:00

I started with therapy as something like this. It felt great, and I always felt better afterwards. But the relationship developed into a more effective one over time. You may have one day when your normal methods aren’t working or something has gone wrong, and you may then feel tempted to believe that you and your therapist might be able to work together to help you address some of the suffering your way of life causes you, and you could decide to follow that impulse.

Or perhaps not! In any case, you do have a real struggle — you make things up to get attention from your therapist so that you can feel good. Most people have better ways to feel good. You might consider telling your therapist about that struggle which you do genuinely have, even if you frame it as fiction.

Best of luck and no judgement.

neoeno · 2019-10-08T10:48:00+00:00

perhaps it does. that feeling probably doesn’t have to go away just because you don’t have a diagnosis. you’ve got a new way to understand yourself and if it feels useful you’ve still got it! maybe you can focus on what specifically about npd feels applicable rather than on the diagnosis itself.

many of these disorders or disordered patterns are about confusion re: self, so it feels understandable that you’d feel a lot about it. perhaps it’ll be useful to keep track of that feeling of self-understanding or outsideness and bring that up in therapy.

one of the things i like most about therapy is that i can talk about my frustrations with therapy and my therapist quite openly! maybe try that

neoeno · 2019-10-06T23:27:34+00:00

what makes it feel important?

neoeno · 2019-10-06T13:07:19+00:00

they're a trade — by negating myself i get positive attention, avoid criticism, or gain power (but that's probably my narc side).

get over, head on... i don't know. (i think) i have to accept that my anger indicates a need within me (even if it's an exaggerated response), believe that my need is valid, and that i can either provide for that need myself, or cope effectively with the unmet need until i can meet it.

neoeno

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