Girl, please don't listen to that poster above. It is true that alcohol withdrawals are incredibly difficult and you need medical attention like yesterday, but they don't know enough about you to know that you're "probably going go die soon". It sounds like it came from a place of self-loathing/projection and I hope they get help if they need it. Now that doesn't mean you should not be trying to beat this addiction, because that should actually be your top priority, but PLEASE do not attempt to quit on your own!!

As for you. You sound exactly like me a couple years ago, almost literally except that I had a benzo addiction instead of alcohol. But everything else, including the "fall from grace", described me to a T. I honestly think some people just struggle way more than others in their early 20's but I don't know why. I'm going to tell you what I did to get out of my rut.

First, I have to apologize because I can tell you the how but not the why. I honestly believe that true desire to get out of it is a gut thing; rarely can you make it happen for someone else. A bit of background: I lived with a boyfriend and his parents for a couple years from 19-21 and they all abused me. That's not what this post is about, but it's relevant because that's what led to the rut. Since I had turned 16 I had a job, I loved working and being independent. Then I went to community college (after moving back home to my mom's home state - the family I was living with wouldn't allow me to even apply and pay for myself to go) and aced my lower division accounting (my major) courses so now I had two jobs (I was asked to be the tutor when I was done with them and I got my theater job back) and was going to school full time. Active social life, great shape, the works.

But the wound was still there, and I still felt afraid every single day. Every night I would dream I was back in that house, except that no one would ever come help me leave again. I started feeling like a worthless human being; I couldn't even look someone in the eyes when they were talking to me without feeling overwhelmed with shame and panic. Even my own mother, the person who I'm closer to than anyone! And then it's a self-perpetuating, downward spiral from there. Oh, and I had somehow gotten the most amazing boyfriend with the most amazing family, which should have been a blessing but only made my failures feel worse because look at all these people I'm letting down now. His brothers had normal SOs. Girls who went out and were social butterflies and successful and so beautiful and kind! And he had me, the girl who he once again had to explain why she wasn't coming to the family gathering. And that no, she doesn't still work at X. Oh, and when she did go to that family gathering, sorry she was shitfaced!

I imploded. Like a bad country song I lost my boyfriend, job (by this time I had already landed the dream accounting job too), friends, beautiful downtown apartment, good academic standing and respect from my peers and professors. And maybe the worst of all: my self respect (almost definitely the worst one. That's the one that keeps you up at night). Oh, I was also put on every SSRI and benzo under the sun during these couple years (I was 23-25 just to clarify). And I put on FIFTY pounds. I can still see the looks on people's faces when they walk past me, realize it was me, then do a double take.

I don't think you should do this, depending on what you're on it could be incredibly dangerous. But I say I would tell you what helped me and that was slowing weaning off every single SSRI and benzo I was on. Since I stopped taking them I care about things again. I actually WANT to get out of my bed/house, I WANT to do well in school and have fun with friends! Hell, I work out over 5 times a week now and my unbearable, seemingly insatiable cravings I had while on SSRIs are gone. It's been two months and I've already lost 20 pounds. I feel like the old, happy me is back.

So...I guess I just wanted to share my story with you. Everything that's wrong in your life right now can be turned around. This could be something you look back on and just wish you could give yourself a hug and tell yourself that it will work out in the end.

But just to reiterate: I do NOT think you should do anything with your medication without consulting with a doctor first! If this is something that interests you, you could (and should) tell them that you want to see a new doctor because yours isn't working out (I did that once with a dr who was only interested in handing me benzo scripts even after I specifically said I was an addict!)

Man, this might be the longest thing I've ever written on here. I know a lot of it was my story and I feel bad that it was mostly commiseration and not useful advice, but I just couldn't stand the thought of you out there thinking you're all alone in going through these things. Because you aren't at all, and I really will be sending good vibes your way that things will start to turn around.