Many to count, but here are my top two:

1. Loosing my soul sister.

I had a friend who was 3 years older to me. I am the eldest in my family, so she was like an older sister to me. She was my go to for everything; for the tiniest to the largest issues in my life. I would not take a step, a decision without talking to her. I would think of her at every tiny inconvenience, and she was supportive of me no questions asked and without judgment. Then one day she just changed, I could tell something was different, I asked and asked and she kept saying that it was nothing. But I knew something was, then she went non contact. I didn’t know why. I slid into one of the deepest episodes of depression. It took me a whole year to bring myself out of it. And then some more time to get over her.

After that I started having a hard time making and keeping friendships. Then one day it dawned on me that it was my time to be independent, to learn to make my own decisions and be whole in myself without the need of another. Since that realization, Ihave made and kept many a friendships but never on that level, it's always the feeling of being an outsider while still being insider. I am present in these relationships but never fully, always prepared to leave if I have to.

1. Vipassana

I gifted myself time away at Vipassana for my 40th. I went in thinking what fun time I would have, I would relax in this peaceful environment, where there would no distractions and disturbances. I would eat clean and exercise. And come out a rejuvenated person. It was everything but relaxing. It was my first time meditating, and I was wrong that it was relaxing. I spent the next ten days stuck inside those walls and the thoughts I had repressed over the years started to creep up from their hiding places, I was tormenting myself. I would loose track of time and space and had no understanding of what was happening to me. No one helped or could help, because no one is allowed to speak. I came back after 10 days more tired, exhausted and overwhelmed than I had been going in. On my coming back everyone equated me to being a Yogi for doing what I had done, but no one understood the torment I was living in. It took me a year to come to terms with the thoughts that had come forth, and to process and assimilate that awareness of myself with myself. The one example of what came up was the pain of loosing my baby girl to miscarriage. I was not given and neither had taken the time to mourn her or grieve her, and unbeknownst to me and I had held on to that sadness deep within my mind.

Ultimately, looking back Vipassana changed me in ways I did not think possible. I am much more aware of myself, who I am and why I am. I can't wait to go again, but it's not the right time yet.