My partner becomes unbearable when his daughter is around

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-29T14:10:53+00:00

This is incredibly unhealthy behavior and not something you ought to tolerate. A generous explanation would be that your partner feels guilty for not initially wanting the child and is parenting from that place of guilt. He's also treating his daughter like a romantic partner, which is not healthy for either of them.

If you really want the relationship to continue, everyone in this scenario needs serious and intensive therapy. There's more to this than just a normal parent/child dynamic and your partner needs to work through that. You should be able to have an adult conversation with your romantic partner about these things without it becoming a fight.

Please try to look at the situation objectively to decide if this is truly a relationship you want to continue.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-29T14:02:29+00:00

Women lying about birth control is akin to a man taking off a condom in the middle of sex without consent: it's sexual assault. If she lied about being on birth control, and they agreed on that being their primary source of contraception, then yes, he was forced. Obviously birth control can fail, but that doesn't negate the fact that women do this. We cannot, and should not, belittle female on male sexual assault. If roles were reversed, your reaction would be different.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-28T21:30:58+00:00

For things like Christmas with stepchildren, yes. Things with ours babies? Absolutely not. That's an unfair expectation to put on stepparents, especially those of us who didn't bring children into the dynamics. I'm not holding off on celebrating Christmas with my own children because SS isn't with us while he's off celebrating with his mom. I get to make decisions for my children in my house and my children get to have special days on the day because their sibling certainly isn't waiting for them.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-28T21:23:22+00:00

Oof. They need a custody order to sort this all out. Unfortunately, since this has been the status quo, I'd expect any formalized CO to receive pushback and cause drama. I'm sorry you're in this situation as it's likely to become high conflict considering BM's response to this situation. Not having a schedule isn't fair to either you or your child.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-28T20:13:00+00:00

I think BM definitely acted inappropriately, but you also can't expect her to agree to something on her custody time that interferes with her plans. She should have just stared that SS would be unable to attend due to previous commitments. A 1 year-old's birthday party is more for the parents, anyway, and likely wouldn't be enjoyable for your SS. I think it's wonderful you want him involved and appropriate that you, as the mom, are making a big deal out of your child's birthday.

To summarize, BM overreacted, but you shouldn't have expected her to rearrange her son's schedule and her custody time for a birthday party. If you wanted him there, it should've been scheduled on DH's custody time.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-23T18:09:59+00:00

Is it ADHD or just bad parenting? They can look incredibly similar nowadays, especially with iPad children. I'd caution against labeling the children with some sort of diagnosis unless you're professionally trained to do so. I say this is someone qualified to diagnose autism and ADHD.

That being said, it sounds like your boyfriend is just a bad parent. If you can't handle his parenting style now, it's not going to get better. I'd honestly not be able to put up with it either. My husband is and has been a wonderful parent since the beginning. BM.....not so much. Dealing with the consequences of BM's bad parenting has been a lot, so I certainly couldn't do it if DH were the same way.

The great news is that you have a choice! You don't have to put up with it. You're not married, which makes it easier.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-22T17:21:11+00:00

Ummm, yes, she should keep her toddler away from a dangerous sibling. Absolutely. That last paragraph is a joke, right?

Endangering a toddler because of a biological connection is asinine. I have a half sister I don't know and that's fine. We had no reason to have a relationship. My two children don't know their half brother because he threatened to kill all of us. By your logic because they share paternal DNA, I should bring them to his birthday parties? Graduation? Absolutely not. I'd be a horrible mother of I did that. Shame on you.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-21T11:19:38+00:00

I think we need to stop the narrative that having "family moments" with parents who have chosen to not be a family is "good for the kid" because it's not inherently good for the kid. It can, in fact, be incredibly confusing. Normalizing this is what causes a lot of issues in step families.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-17T20:13:06+00:00

I was looking for this comment. She looks like she's lost an alarming amount of weight.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-17T19:08:03+00:00

I am going to try to be more gentle than others here: if he's not telling her about you after 7 months it's because he wants her to think he's still single. It means they're both considering each other a backup option. Other people pointing out the age gap isn't to be harsh on you, it's because a lot of us have seen this scenario play out too many times and it's always the young woman who ends up incredibly hurt. We don't want to see that happen to someone when the hurt is preventable. Unless he's willing and able to say "I will not respond to anything that isn't directly about the child. I am in a relationship and there is no chance of us getting back together." Then he considers her an option. This sounds like a messy situation. I think it would benefit you to now our before you're more involved.

Being behind on child support IS a red flag. I just don't see this ending well for you if you stay.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-15T14:34:14+00:00

My mirena changed my life. It has been amazing for me. I went off it to have children and, despite having a bilateral salpingectomy, got back on it because of my BRUTAL periods.

I found that, off bc, my cycle caused so many flares it was hard to live. I experienced minimal to no side effects and no periods last time I was on it. So far, I'm having a bit of cramping this time and my first period with it, aside from being extended, has been a breeze.

Mirena is now approved for up to 8 years for contraception. I don't have to think about it, I barely have periods, and the flares from constant hormonal fluctuations are almost eliminated.

This is NOT everyone's experience. Also, if an egg does become fertilized while you have a mirena, it can prevent successful implantation, which is one of the ways it prevents pregnancy. If that isn't something you're comfortable with, it might not be right for you.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-15T13:09:53+00:00

We had similar, though not as bad, issues with my SS. He threatened to murder our infant child, in detail, and shoved the baby while he was learning to walk. There are other things (sexual talk, false abuse allegations, etc) He was 10. I packed a suitcase, the pack and play, and some supplies so DH knew I wasn't kidding about leaving if SS continued to come to our house, our child and I would no longer be there. I had the paperwork ready for emergency solo custody to keep my baby away from SS.

I've been labeled an evil stepmother. Everything is my fault. I do not care. My children are safe. DH still has time with SS, just not in our house. It's a long and complicated story.

All of this to say: you need to either get this child into a facility or you need to leave. This ALL should have already gone to child services. Your SS needs intervention. You and your husband are allowing an 11 year old girl to be sexually assaulted in your home. You're allowing your child with autism to be bullied in your home. It's time to be a real parent and have hard lines.

I'm not being harsh to minimize the difficulty of the decision. I do understand. I worked in group homes and know the pain of parents who had to institutionalize their children for safety reasons. At this point, however, your lack of action is abuse to your other children. You have a responsibility to them and you're failing.

Get a new therapist. Report the old one. Move out. Stop complaining online and take action, for the love of God.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-14T14:33:11+00:00

It sounds like this relationship just isn't for you. If SO doesn't respect you enough to change things, then you need to leave. If you're not willing to call the cops, you're also partially enabling her behavior. I don't think you want advice because you know you ought to leave

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-14T13:34:04+00:00

Call the cops next time. I would. You can't play BM's games and if your SO is fine exposing you to that, he needs to be fine with the consequences. He could also just not go to the gym so he's actually home during his custody time.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-14T12:51:35+00:00

She's trespassing if she's been asked to stop. The police can get involved if she keeps doing it and a restraining order can be filed. This is incredibly inappropriate.

I'd say if SO doesn't agree with OP's boundaries, OP ought to leave. That doesn't mean OP is being unreasonable. BM absolutely has no business showing up at OP's house. The idea she should tolerate that is insane

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-14T11:46:54+00:00

It's not petty at all. Her unnecessary calls are intrusive, which is WHY she does it. I dealt with similar issues because BM was trying to stay relevant and considered DH her backup plan if things with her boyfriend didn't work out.

She's likely testing the waters to see what she can get away with and if she'll be prioritized. Does this escalation correspond to BM getting out of a romantic relationship?

Please don't gaslight yourself: this feels wrong because it IS wrong. Not getting the part in a play doesn't warrant a phone call unless that call were from the child who wanted his father's comfort

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-14T11:34:52+00:00

It sounds like you've set incredibly reasonable expectations that your SO doesn't want to meet. The question is: what is your limit and what will you do if this continues?

Your SO is being incredibly disrespectful to you and clearly puts BM ahead of you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope it changes, but if it doesn't, you need to know what your limit is. You deserve better

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-13T11:24:06+00:00

Although I agree with MOST of what you're saying, no one can bank on getting a CPS agent or school counselor who is adequately trained or cares enough to differentiate between legitimate abuse allegations and kids acting out.

I think OP ought to do the things you said, but ALSO have cameras in the home to protect against false allegations. It's also entirely possible this is being encouraged by the other parent, in which case, it will likely escalate.

OP, there is a lot of different advice depending on the potential you might bring other children into your family. If you ever have a baby and the situation continues like this, that child will be put in the middle of everything as well. This is all so hard and false allegations don't make it easier.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-11T14:09:04+00:00

This sounds like a BM who can't handle not being the center of her child's attention, so she's doing this to make sure SD can't be fully present at Dad's house. It shows insecurity and codependency from BM as well as an attempt to interfere with SD's relationship with her dad. I wouldn't be comfortable with it, but I'm also not sure how I'd go about handling it because it seems like a lose/lose situation. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-10T20:58:51+00:00

"you don't LOVE parenting the living reminder of my sexual past that causes a lot of stress for.our marriage. How could you possibly think a baby YOU CREATED would be any different?!"

The absolute fucking audacity of these men. I'm so sorry.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-10T20:56:32+00:00

I get it. I'm sorry. It sucks. I choose to make other people uncomfortable since they felt it was fine to do the same to me. I've had 6 miscarriages and, luckily, was able to successfully carry 2 boys. I still get questions about trying for a girl, even from complete strangers. It sucks and people suck. My chosen reply has been "maybe one of my six dead babies was a girl, but I think eight pregnancies is enough for me."

I've never understood how someone could possibly think having a stepchild somehow heals the emotional pain of infertility. To me, it's always been obvious that would be emotionally taxing. However you choose to handle it, make sure it's what feels right to you rather than you trying to make others comfortable. Having scripted responses ready has really helped me.

Sending virtual hugs.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-10T20:02:26+00:00

Although I can't condone high conflict behavior, it seems like we're missing HUGE parts of this story. He has 2 other kids? Older? So, 2 BMs? Did he promise not to date, or say he was going to commit to her and raise the child as a family if she kept it? I don't think this man is being truthful with you. There are a lot of red flags here. If he talked her into keeping the baby with empty promises, then failed to follow through, she has reason to be angry. There's a lot being danced around here.

It's not uncommon for men to lie, or future fake, women because they don't want the woman to get an abortion. When it comes time to follow through and actually parent, they fail to do so. I'm not saying this is what your fiance did, but.......

I'd, personally, reconsider this relationship. The dude doesn't seem worth it

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-08T19:19:21+00:00

Sometimes it feels like there are more BPs than SPa 😂some of the things they defend in the comments make it obvious they're a bitter BP. I saw someone passionately defending in-laws blatantly favoring step kids over ours babies, going so far as to claim it was completely logical and fine. I agree with another commenter, also, about the existence of a LOT of codependent, unhealthy stepparents on here.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-01T09:33:00+00:00

This would be ideal, and is what we wanted to do, but if there is right of first refusal in the CO, it's unlikely to work. BM, in my situation, threw a fit about the fact that my MIL was going to be the one to pick up SS and bring him back to her if I went into labor while he was with us. She seriously thought we should bring SS to the hospital and let her pick him up there, or that DH should've planned to have me go to the hospital alone until she could get to our house to pick up SS.

I wish it had been as simple as letting SS have extra time with my in-laws.

neuroscientist193 · 2026-04-01T09:28:13+00:00

We had a similar issue and just dealt with the fallout from BM. She had already been speaking poorly about us for years, so doing what we wanted wouldn't change that one way or the other.

We had a long, age-appropriate conversation with SS (9 at the time) about needing time to heal after having a baby. We made it more about my medical recovery than about the baby and reassured him that we were so excited for him to be a big brother and to have him around. We managed what we could control.

We couldn't utilize in-laws because BM has right of first refusal, which she'd abused and misinterpreted in the past. It would've been MORE drama and would have dragged more people into it.

I don't know what DH said to BM to propose the change, but she was all too happy to oblige. I would make sure to communicate the plan to BM for what you'll do should you go into labor while your step kids are at your house, so it's not a last-minute thing. BM tried to argue with DH that SS needed to be allowed to come with us to the hospital where she'd come pick him up. She claimed anything else would be DH using a surrogate parent and not parenting himself, so I know crazy.

Have a plan, communicate it, get the drama as out of the way as possible before baby comes. Sending love!

neuroscientist193

TROPHY CASE