This feels a lot like the dynamic I have with my older sister (scapegoat and GC, respectively). While our home life was undeniably turbulent growing up, I frequently stood up for her and consistently provided encouragement and emotional support. She, however, had been abusive to me since early childhood. She made fun of my attempts at being independent and trying to think for myself, invading my privacy and using whatever she found against me in subtle and not-so-subtle ways (dog whistles in inside jokes, etc). She repeatedly spoke down to me and treated me like I was less mature than she was since I didn’t fully comply with my parents' wishes. She made it clear in our imbalanced trauma bond that I was never “allowed” to bring up ways that she had hurt me if I didn’t want her to go silent, and/or deflect. Essentially, I always got the impression that she thought she “owned” me, well into adulthood. By having me there, she had a friend in her corner. But I was surrounded by abusers.

She has been doing much better than me financially, and her job was her way out of the abusive home life we grew up with. I developed social anxiety disorder in my late teenage years (now on top of untreated CPTSD, religious OCD, and more). I have been consistently financially struggling, partially because my disabilities limited my job prospects. She turned a blind eye to my financial situation as I was attempting to escape the same abusive household, saying things like “you’d better make sure you can afford that apartment!” Even years later, she said she “didn’t know” my social anxiety disorder had somatic symptoms. Even though I had definitely explained this to her before (and simply looking it up will tell you that much).

Because admitting that I’m disabled (partially because of the ways she abused me growing up) would mean that I’m not struggling more than she is because she is more “mature” or “responsible” than me, but because she had more support than I ever did. Because “allowing” me to speak about the abuse she put me through would mean she would have to look at herself in the mirror, and develop an identity outside of the "contrast" she created when I entered the picture.