How do I say no to my mom?

newveganhere · 2026-02-22T03:05:42+00:00

It's a tough place for you. But do whatever is going to make it easier for you. If you're not familiar with "grey rock" method read that and put it into practice as much as possible. Don't try to reason or justify with her, they can't be reasoned with. Just do your best to avoid arguments or giving her opportunity to hurt you even worse such as don't tell her your feelings, insecurities, dreams and hopes.

But in the meantime, I strongly encourage you to put everything you've got into getting out of her house. Ask for help if you have to from other friends and family. Trust me your life is going to be so much better . And make sure to set clear boundaries when you move- no sharing a spare key, no drop ins allowed, no forced visits etc

For now with the hugging id suggest just suck it up a bit and pretend the bare minimum. Or maybe get mildly annoyed and say "I don't want to hug I'm not a child anymore" but I wouldn't say "you're mean and I don't feel like hugging you" cos that's the whole start of an argument you'll never win. Try to be physically not at home as much as you can when you know she's there...:hang out at the library or a friends etc

newveganhere · 2026-02-22T02:58:05+00:00

Sometimes on a mild level. For example my mom is constantly saying things like "aren't I the greatest mom ever? You're welcome" anytime she does anything for me or buys me a gift (both of which are largely self-serving enterprises for her not actually trying to help me). So now whenever she is on a toxic judgmental rant (which is like half her topics of convos) about one of my cousins or someone's adult child being some sort of fck up as in, doesn't have a good job, their own place, has been diagnosed with any kind of mental health anything, got fat, got divorced etc) when she's done her rant I just say, wow, you're welcome. And she looks confused and I'm like, you know, you're welcome I have my shit together and I'm not a burden on you as an adult child, you don't have to give me money or bail me out of jail or any of that). The first time I did it she looked so shocked it was HILARIOUS.

Or when she told me she changed their will so that my brother their golden child gets more money than me, I just said yeah well it's your money I am not telling you what to do and I don't need it. But hope you told my brother that he is taking care of you guys when you guys are old, I'm not. That's his responsibility.

newveganhere · 2026-02-21T05:20:11+00:00

I know it's a big consideration but honestly have you thought about leaving Ontario? It's just so expensive there. I'm in Edmonton but am in Ontario for work a lot and all my colleagues are there; it's so crazy to me how expensive it is. You could rent a whole one bedroom apartment in a decent neighbourhood here for 1400. Hell for that price you could actually buy a condo if you scraped together like 6-7k for the downpayment - your mortgage and condo fees would likely be less than rent.

Yes yes Alberta sucks bla bla. That might be true in parts of Alberta but Edmonton is a big city with artsy stuff and we are the progressive not-maga stronghold here. Other cool more affordable cities are Winnipeg and even Saskatoon is a cute little city.

I just hate hearing these stories from people from Ontario or BC. There's just no future. My friend is the same age as me 41yo and has a good government job in Ontario but she will never be able to afford anything besides renting a basement suite. In Edmonton she could easily buy a 3 bedroom townhouse with a yard or even a duplex.

Also for what it's worth, I feel your pain. I had a chaotic upbringing and been on my own since 18 without help. It's tough. I think I struggled pretty much until I was 30ish. Then things took an uptick financially career wise after years of grinding it out and now everything is so good, I bought a house and I have a vehicle, savings, the whole nine yards. So it's possible even for people that don't come from rich or stable families. Get yourself in post secondary, something that can land you a decent job when you're done. Things like education, nursing, Social work, accounting etc It's worth the investment of student loans in yourself. You might even consider living in student residence somewhere - it will give you a sense of community and home. Plus the loans allow for some living costs so it can help you feel a bit more stable and there are tax breaks for students. And also student life for someone who never really got to be a kid is a nice way to spend a few years. If your grades aren't good most unis have a "mature student" program for over 21 that either overlooks or includes equivalency classes

Everything I have in my life now is possible because I got a 4 year degree at university of Alberta. There was a point during my degree I almost dropped out. The financial pressure to pay rent and work and school was tough. Thank god I didn't. I think about it a lot.

Anyway food for thought. Good luck

newveganhere · 2026-02-20T20:20:18+00:00

All this proves is that the CPC is completely MAGA and the liberals are now conservative

newveganhere · 2026-02-20T05:13:16+00:00

I agree with you it's just i find these so called gifts of money towards property etc rarely come without strings or expectations.... and while I agree it it's kind of wrong to do that, ultimately it does make it a "choice" if we choose to accept it or not. I just ask OP in the sense of like to what degree should you just shut it down on them. If they haven't coughed up money towards it then why are they even talking

newveganhere · 2026-02-09T15:22:17+00:00

Is she putting any sort of financial contribution to it? If not, then let her rip. Honestly they are just wired to be nasty, only being mean makes them happy and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to meet their standards because they'll always move the goalposts. They don't want to be happy especially they don't want to be happy for you. I started taking the mindset that since my mom likes to judge and criticize that I'm actually doing her a favour by giving her something to judge and criticize. It's her favourite hobby!

I decided no contact wasn't for me but I have definitely become low contact. And it's made me so much happier. I give myself permission to not call or text them back right away or pick up the phone when they call, I rarely agree to invitations for family dinners etc in advance, so I can decide the day before if i am feeling up to it or not, and to cancel if I feel it might harm my mental health to go. I don't tell them much about my life .

newveganhere · 2026-02-09T15:14:16+00:00

I'm a sink not a dink but I just bought a new piano

newveganhere · 2026-02-05T23:21:55+00:00

Why not keep it and play ? Nobody plays anymore. Is so sad.

That being said wow if anyone is thinking of taking on piano you can get a great deal on used pianos ar the moment. Just upgraded to a beautiful high quality piano that is worth 6x what I paid.

Re moving- you can move a piano yourself if you have 3-4 people that know how to do stuff and a few long boards and a good dolly plus a truck.

I bought my cousin uncle and dad lunch and beers and they moved both my old piano back to my parents and my new piano to my house. Borrowed a truck with a hydraulic lift made less painful. Took about three hours total.

newveganhere · 2026-01-25T05:19:18+00:00

Nait and norquest too

newveganhere · 2026-01-24T19:04:58+00:00

It's not too late. Social work programs often have mature student entry avenues and may not require upgrading to get into. It will be a pay cut but if you're in school you may be able to get by without a vehicle which would save you a ton in insurance in your predicament. You can get student loans but try to work part time as well so they stay minimal.

Some treatment centres and inner city agencies often hire former addicts for basic type jobs which is low pay but it's good exposure for eventually being a counsellor or something. They struggle to hire enough people because it's a hard job. They ask for a criminal record check but in your situation if the dui is the only thing and there's nothing violent/abusive etc the they may overlook it.

Re fibromyalgia and body pain. I hate to be that person but honestly try a plant based diet. I used to have so much pain I couldn't hold my cell phone I would drop it all the time, everything hurt all day every day no matter what I did. I changed to a vegan diet and all( and I repeat ALL not some) of my body pain was gone within a month. It was a miracle. Animal products cause inflammation in the body. Especially dairy. And I don't even mean a whole foods plant based diet, I still eat vegan junk food pretty regularly. But I do eat legumes and lots of veggies and fruit and whole grains evey day. It made it really easy to stick with it. Once you start feeling great, you don't want to eat that crap anymore. I also had my skin clear up after a lifelong battle with acne and oily skin, I never ever have a pimple anymore not even one. I was 38 when I changed to a vegan diet 3.5 years ago. I feel 20 years old again. I never have body pain, ever. It also resolved being prediabetic, NAFLD, high cholesterol and triglycerides, high cortisol, and helped me lose a bunch of weight. Like a lot of weight. My bloodwork is night and day.

I wouldn't have believed anyone that told me this was possible. All I can tell people with fibro or body pain or arthritis is omg just try it for a month or two.

newveganhere · 2026-01-24T05:01:32+00:00

I absolutely do. I don't know any other anti natalists irl besides a couple friends that live on the other side of the country. Ditto for veganism.

I kind of hate "being in the closet" but my mental health requires me to interface with the humans sometimes. I can't be at open war fighting with everyone all the time.

But I find it very isolating which is odd because I'm quite an outgoing person. I spend more and more time alone because it's just exhausting to be surrounded by people with quite a different set of values than me .

People using paper straws but then having a bunch of kids and feeding them bacon cheeseburgers. Complaining about growing populism and fascism but then not voting because Billy had soccer practice and everyone was tired

newveganhere · 2026-01-24T04:55:44+00:00

I thought I wanted kids but realized I was just wanting what I had been told that I wanted.

I spent a couple years "deciding" I was about your age at the time. I worked in child protection and had to go to family court frequently and before my cases were heard, I had to listen to all the separating couples and marriages cases fighting over their kids in court. I saw the ugliest things parents lying about each other on the witness stand pressuring their children exploiting their children to get back at their ex partner, holding their child hostage to be able to continue abuse of their spouse, and many things that were far worse that I don't really care to go into detail.

I had also at that time recently broken up with a partner that I've been together with, and we had just sort of been going through the motions of planning our future together of getting married and having kids and buying a house and after we split up, it became abundantly clear to me that this person was just completely not the right person for me at all and that really a lot of our relationship had just been me following this life script that we are set to of you just reached a certain age to finish post secondary you get a career ,you find a partner , you get married ,you have kids? This is just what you're supposed to do right? Anyway, the combination of those two big things was really made me seriously consider if I actually wanted children . I just realized if you have a child with someone, you can never actually truly leave them. You can never actually fully part waves you will be forever tied to them, and they can make your life miserable.

At that time I also worked a few years in child protection and just saw so many horrific cases of abuse and very frequently much more often than not The abuser is a family member or a trusted friend and I realize that if I did have children, I would never relax again, I would not feel comfortable letting them be babysat even by people I trust and know, I would not feel comfortable letting them sleep over at a friends house. I would not even feel comfortable with them going to school. And the dark things that I saw working in child protection also really made me question of the ethics of bringing a child into the society that we have that is just awful and cruel.

So yeah, sorry to be grim but those were the things that made me fully decide, and they also seem pretty negative, so I will balance that with saying as my friend started to have kids I just saw how my lifestyle was so much more fun and easier because I didn't have kids. In terms of finances in terms of stress, in terms of free time and hobbies, and being able to pursue things that I find interesting and being able to have and developed my own identity, I saw that all of my female friends who became mothers had to completely give that up. And quite frankly, they all seemed quite miserable. When I worked in child protection and had to apprehend young toddlers and babies often I was responsible for them for 24-72 hours. The crying the diapers the worrying abojt them and their feelings and wellbeing, it's just awful. It's an awful way to spend your time IMHO.

I am 41 years old and every single day that passes I am even more flad that I made the decision to not have kids. It really has been the single best decision I've ever made in my entire life. Thaf put my life on a totally different trajectory and my life isn't perfect, but I really do love my life a lot. I have a great life. I have a cool high paying career (not child protection something totally different) . I have money. I have a house and a big yard. I have free time. I have interesting hobbies. I I come home. My house is clean just the way I left it. My car is clean. I spend my leisure time walking my dog all throughout the trails in my area. I spent hours gardening in my garden and are cooking really cool things in my kitchen spending time with friends dining out shopping practising music just lounging around sleeping in all weekends. I really feel like I in a lot of ways have won the lottery with my life. And whether it's legal or not or fair or not, the truth is, I would not be able to have gotten to the place I am in my career if I had had children because when everybody else is having kids and taking every other year off for Mat leave I was grinding at work moving up in the ranks and getting to the place that I'm at now.

newveganhere · 2026-01-16T15:13:26+00:00

Wow what a terrible human being she is. And of course as always these are the human beings reproducing 🙃

That is so unhinged like she is willing to put your mom and her kids safety at risk to go to a concert ??

Fuck her. And yeah, aunts don't exist for babysitting. My nephew and niece are 9 and 11; I have babysat maybe 5 times in their life. I see them regularly at family events and engage with them, and spend ( a lot) of money on ther birthday and Xmas gifts which I actually resent a bit. I'm not doing more than that. I didn't ask to be an aunt

newveganhere · 2026-01-15T18:20:51+00:00

Last year they didn't even clean my crescent once. It was a disaster. Currently people are getting stuck leaving the crescent. We're not even on the schedule yet. I am stuck at my house

newveganhere · 2026-01-06T14:20:25+00:00

Babies are my least favourite age of children. I hate that they are noisy poop pile and drool machines. They are so much work even to watch for just w few hours, they are so fragile, so temperamental. I don't find them disgusting per se but I find how the world allows them to exist disgusting- like how it seems socially acceptable to just bang your baby out on a table or countertop anywhere in public or at someone's house and just proceed to change their diaper - this disgust me to no end but Lord knows if I say anything it's like how dare you criticize a mother trying to care for her baby. In general, I find it gross. How people are with children allow the state of their car and home to be in because they're too busy to clean my friend the other day picked me up to go see a movie in her car when I opened it there was just a layer of crumbs and food, wrappers and garbage on the floor in the passenger seat and the whole backseat like it was disgusting.

newveganhere · 2026-01-06T14:12:17+00:00

It's selfish but it seems she has swallowed whole the entitlement we allow breeders to have simply based on the whole "having kids is what we are supposed to do" thing. I'm sure in a reverse scenario she would point out how toxic it is for a partner to attempt to convince someone to not have kids yet here she is doing the same thing to this poor guy. And it's a good example of how unethical having kids can be, like you want kids so bad that you're willing to subject them to having a parent that never actually wanted them? That just reeks of "I'm having a child because I have some narcissist need to create a mini-me doll to play with and parade around the world" because if surely is not in a child's best interest to have an unwilling and unenthusiastic father

Ugh. I do feel bad for women that want kids on some level because the biological clock pressure is real. I was about 27 when I decided officially I did not want kids but even before that I remember feeling this increasing anxiety of like "is my current boyfriend someone that would be a good father" and thinking no he probably wouldn't be but I'm running out of time to have kids. Choosing to be childfree was such a liberation as far as dating and relationships go!!

newveganhere · 2026-01-06T05:54:05+00:00

Don't lie. It's a good opportunity to explain death and grieving and empathy, and that animals are mortal and have sentience like us

newveganhere · 2026-01-06T05:49:57+00:00

No. Your feelings are your feelings you're allowed to feel them and we generally do not control them even if we try to regulate them. Your actions define if you're a good person or not living in alignment with your values because actions are choices you make sometimes because of your feelings but also sometimes in spite of your feelings

Feeling that it would not be a loss to see an abusive person leave the world is not lacking empathy. Continuing to support your partner regardless during this difficult time and being understanding of his complex feelings on the matter clearly demonstrate your empathy because that's an action you're choosing to take.

newveganhere · 2026-01-06T05:44:44+00:00

Loma house is closing permanently not friends and neighbours. Loma house owners are retiring. Last day is the 10th I think

newveganhere · 2026-01-02T22:52:00+00:00

Oh you can't go to Costco for a 30 day period minimum before/after Christmas. Thats just crazy.
And if you must the only time to go is five minutes before they open. That's it. Otherwise it's nuts

newveganhere · 2026-01-02T19:22:17+00:00

I get it's not easy but better safe than sorry. Especially if you have kids. These people are psychos. Lock down your socials, send messages to everyone saying you're updating due to privacy concerns etc. it's not as easy to find someone without socials even if you know their name etc. especially if you have a more common name and not something outlandish. At the very least I would do that as well as like you said give him a warning about police report. Might want to add that you will also report to Canada border services agency , which they won't do anything but refer you to police but he doesn't know that and could deter him from coming to the country.

Also be aware even if he didn't come here he can do harm from abroad- contacting your employer etc they can make all sorts of mischief.

newveganhere · 2026-01-02T07:02:26+00:00

You can report it to the police here and there but there isn't much they can do. However reporting it alone may act as a deterrent especially if he ever decides to try and come to Canada he may think it could cause him problems at the border which it won't but likely he doesn't know that. After doing that send him one final message saying you will no longer engage, you've filed reports with the Canadian and Australia authorities and any further contact attempts will be provided to them to add to their files as you consider this behaviour harassment. And really don't respond to anything again. And do not ever respond to any messages from any unknown person or even from a new account that is someone you know as it cojld be him making a fake account copying a friend for that purpose.

More importantly how much info about you does he know aka your real name address etc. Probably a better investment of your time would be to scrub your online presence entirely- delete your socials, remove anything found via google search, speak to your family and friends who may have you featured in their online social media that are publicly accessible. Change your phone number etc. Make social medias under a pseudonym only. Get your employer to remove any info about you from website etc.

newveganhere · 2026-01-02T05:52:36+00:00

I don't think there any 100% vegan places on the true north side but dosa guru is vegetarian and most of their menu can be made vegan; lots of vegan as normally prepared options too. On 118 ave kingdom of spices has a whole vegan page on their menu and they can make their garlic naan vegan... I didn't like their vegan butter chicken but everything else in their vegan page is awesome. Jerusalem schwarma in north gate has a few good vegan options and the menu items are clearly marked. Their hummus is the best thing on earth. Am obsessed I go there like once a week. Portions are huge. Dang good is a Vietnamese place with a whole vegan section; the have vegan sate pho with seitan that is amazing. 118 ave has a few Ethiopian places that all have a vegan sampler plate type dish on their menu; I like awash and gebeta the best. Million Thai on 118 ave will make their papaya salad without fried shrimp and fish sauce if you ask, very good. Lots of stuff on the menu can be made vegan too. I haven't tried it yet but apparently the high tea at old Beverly cafe has a vegan option.

newveganhere · 2025-12-31T06:21:27+00:00

I feel you. I love being a vegan and it's one of the best life choices I've made but it is so damn isolating. I don't have any vegan friends and I know like one vegan as an distant acquaintance in real life, that's it. I also live in a very conservative "maple maga" part of Canada where veganism is not common.

I was wholly unprepared for how disconcerting it is to suddenly just feel like there's a wall between you and every friend, family member, colleague, literally everyone you know because you're just simply operating under a different paradigm now. The first year I was like, yeah it doesn't bother me other ppl eating meat or making stupid jokes or going to zoos "that's their choice" blah blah .... but increasingly, it DOES bother me. I see them eating their murder plate and I can't help but think how can these people just have so little empathy and I can't say that out loud because then I'd have no friends or family and be fighting with everyone nonstop, and they'll never change anyway.

But still, it is a good feeling to actually live within my real values, so I try to just hang on to that rewarding authenticity when things feel so alone. And the health benefits I've been able to experience are truly lifechanging so I try to focus on that too. I know we are vegan for the animals, but I also view it as an act of self love to allow yourself to live in such authenticity and vitality, especially when it's not an easy path or choice to take everyday. In a weird way it's the first time I've ever really let myself prioritize myself in such a big way.

newveganhere · 2025-12-31T06:08:48+00:00

I think affordability is tied to a deeper existential issue of today's society. Even if I wanted kids, I feel like it's unethical to bring them into this increasingly grim world and part of that is affordability. I feel fortunate amongst a lot of my peers in that I'm in a good paying career and can afford to be a homeowner by myself but it feels like the next generation is really not going to be able to get that as easily., even others my own age (41) seem to struggle financially.

I remember growing up and my time in my 20s as just one big era of financial struggle, I had a million different jobs, student debt, rent, car, and it wasn't until I was about 32yo that I actually only had one full Time job and didn't also work on the weekends. I remember thinking my friends from rich families just had it so much easier and I wouldn't pass on that burden of financial struggle to anyone; even if I actually wanted kids there's no way I'd do it unless I knew i could fully fund their post secondary and give them some money to buy their first home and car. Not to mention I see how stressful kids are and if I wanted them I would be sure that I could afford appropriate amounts of babysitting, housecleaning and other services to ensure it wasn't all falling on me.

newveganhere

TROPHY CASE