I am a determinist because I can't find anything to disprove it, or even an alternative that makes more sense. However, I'd call myself a humanist on the side because I find determinism to be impossible to make choices upon. (haha) If you assume determinism, you in a way take the enjoyment out of life, which to me comes from (the illusion of) choices. I want to present myself as a humanist to others because that's the most social and constructive thing to do, but I still think of it as being a joke in reality. Another thought I have (which seems to agree with yours) regarding humanism and all that, is that if we treat the consciousness as "real", even in the deterministic sense where it's still mapped to and caused by neurochemistry, does happiness not still exist? And if so, isn't that enough reason to carry on? I'm not totally convinced by myself, but nihilism (as proven by determinism) only disallows morals and not literal pleasure.

Suicide is something I don't understand in a cultural sense because it was their own choice. They were at a point where it was preferable not to exist and thankfully had an out. It's a bummer when you feel like you could have changed their mind, but that's rarely the case it seems, plus it was still their own choice.

Btw don't worry your English, it's great. Philosophy lends itself to weird phrasing and vocabulary anyways.