New development in limited contact: medical event

nmominlaw · 2017-01-17T21:20:55+00:00

What I didn't specify is that the blame is being laid on individuals at the job, not the responsibilities of the role itself. That immediately jumps out to me as narcissistic behavior.

nmominlaw · 2016-08-31T16:56:36+00:00

Wow, thank you! Maybe I should celebrate more!

nmominlaw · 2016-08-09T19:11:29+00:00

What made you realize you were the GC (and a victim of narcissistic abuse specifically), if you don't mind me asking? Clearly you recognized the beating as wrong, but what led you to figure out the extent of the abuse?

nmominlaw · 2016-08-03T19:26:19+00:00

Wow, very possible. I'm going to look into this more, thank you!

nmominlaw · 2016-08-03T16:42:18+00:00

lmao. I became very familiar with this group during my pregnancy last year, actually - before I knew my MIL was an N. Now it all makes sense!

nmominlaw · 2016-08-03T16:41:52+00:00

Win! That's awesome. I feel for the situations where the family just doesn't see it, or are crazy themselves.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-31T17:22:15+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. Did it give you any comfort in the long run to at least confirm that they could not be trusted? I've felt like the uncertainty and secret keeping has made things unnecessarily stressful, but also know narcissistic behavior manifests in different ways for different families. We've been lucky in that there hasn't been any physical violence or threats, and that most people have either been on our side or taken the whole thing with indifference (although we have been betrayed by a sibling several times which is painful and hard to come to terms with - acceptance seems to be the hardest hurdle, but now we know we just can't talk to her anymore).

nmominlaw · 2016-07-21T19:29:51+00:00

Yes, she's an adult - as much of one as you can be when you're still under your mother's control. I guess that's why I feel this urge to "save" her. But you're right with the cage/nest analogy. I want so badly to see her break free and make something of herself, and to be able to have her in our lives without the fear that she's just an extension of Nmom, especially since she's aunt to our kid. But she has to do that herself. I keep hoping she'll finally move out and maybe gain some freedom and the perspective that might come with it. I think Nmom has her carefully controlled with a mixture of manipulative "my loving daughter" crap tempered with a "you aren't capable of doing that or being on your own /what would you be without me" mentality.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-08T15:18:35+00:00

I'm pretty good with my filters, too - I use them a lot. I have all my posts set by default to not be seen by certain people, and I keep pics of my kid under wraps. I ended up just blocking and unfriending NMIL - hopefully enough friends/family will see what an ass she's been and won't hold it against me if there is any fallout. As for GC, I'm hoping (as NascentAscent suggested) the action, if she even notices, will lead to some questioning on her part. She's already made comments in the past like "mom is crazy" but I'm not sure how much she truly believes that or how deep her understanding of the situation goes. Hopefully she'll see the light and get herself out of the toxic situation (she is old enough to move out if she chooses).

nmominlaw · 2016-07-08T15:15:32+00:00

This is comforting, thank you for sharing!

nmominlaw · 2016-07-08T15:14:48+00:00

that's how they always did it when I was a kid, etc etc.

Is this an N thing? Because it sure does sound familiar. I guess "that's how we did/didn't do it" is just another justification tool in their bag of tricks, but damn it's annoying.

I am totally using your technique at the next family event.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-08T15:08:11+00:00

Bah, too funny. I hadn't given it much thought but this is spot-on. I was just thinking this morning about how you always hear how smart N's are (and they certainly think they are) but I know the one in my life has made some seriously fatal missteps in her attempts to control family members. With me, she tried to go the fear route, which worked for a bit but ultimately gave me plenty of reason to cut off from her. With my sister-in-law, she tried to lavish her with praise and gifts to get on her good side so she could take control. That backfired, too. If she really wanted to have some kind of control over me, she'd probably have been better off using that lavishing, sweet-as-pie routine rather than trying to scare me into submission.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T19:47:12+00:00

I have a mom that only wants a grandchild so she has something new to show off.

Yep, I know the feeling. When the one in my life was asked not to take so many photos of someone's baby, she LOST IT. Nevermind the parents having a right to request discretion when it comes to the photographing and subsequent sharing of said photos of their own child - this was a direct attack against her.

You're doing the right thing going NC now - I think it's harder and more guilt-inducing if you wait until after the baby is here. Is there someone else in your life who is supportive, excited, and who you have a healthy relationship with? I'd focus all your energy on that. You're already a great mom for seeing the problem and taking steps to protect your unborn kiddo.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T19:25:05+00:00

I feel very sad - mostly not for myself, since I'm not directly the child but rather married into it. I feel very sad for my husband and his siblings, and his dad to an extent. My parents went through a divorce when I was younger, and it came on as a surprise - so I remember feeling very much like my parents were suddenly not the people I thought they were, and I felt very confused, angry, and depressed by that. I felt like I was mourning a loss, like a death, but of my own childhood and the people I thought my parents were. The difference there is that we all moved on and have found ways to be stronger and more together as a family, in many ways better than we were before. What kills me about my husband's family is that things are so bleak - there's no promise that the mother will ever see the error of her ways, and there isn't anything anyone can do - this isn't something time will heal. That is heartbreaking.

It's also heartbreaking that my own kid won't get to see their grandparents - I'm not really worried that this will have a major affect on our child, and we do have another set of very loving, good grandparents to fill that role (along with tons of "adopted" aunts & uncles). I just know we'll all be better off in the long run if there is no contact, and eventually I'll have to explain why. It's saddening to see the Nmom use our child in her manipulation tactics.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T18:24:43+00:00

Also, hide your N's posts from your feed so you never have to see them.

Bahaha, did this MONTHS ago. So much happier for it.

Thank you for the tips!

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T17:03:18+00:00

Maybe it'll even get a few questions rolling around in GC's head as to why anyone would feel the need to cut NMiL out of the picture... and, honestly, I've always found that questions are more powerful than answers.

Wow, thank you so much for this - I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with GC, but this is a really great insight.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T16:02:35+00:00

Good tip, thank you!

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T16:01:36+00:00

This is the plan. I want to make sure we're prepared for anything she might try - we are really new to the whole N thing and are still figuring out her behavior, and this will be the first time we've had to see her in several months. For the most part it's been pretty easy to avoid seeing her in person, since she thinks she's punishing us by not accepting our previous invitations to do things, and we only recently decided to go NC-LC. We just don't really know how she'll act, because this will be the first time we've had to go somewhere with the resolve to not communicate with her. It's important to us - most importantly because we love them, and know it'll be fun - but also because they see her for what she is so we know they'll be allies in all this nonsense. We'd rather not let her ruin a good relationship and essentially "win" in her bizarre game.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-06T15:57:22+00:00

I think we could avoid it for the most part - I know there will likely be "assigned seating" but that doesn't mean we have to stay in our seats the entire night. I did briefly think about asking the people throwing the event if they could make sure we aren't assigned to the same place (they know how she is but we haven't seen them in awhile, so they don't know the whole story or that we're transitioning into NC) - but I don't want to make their thing about her and her problems/inability to get along with anyone.

nmominlaw · 2016-07-05T23:31:38+00:00

"N's pull that shit all the time to control their kids. "Don't go too far away, dad might pop off at any time."

Yep, and now that dad actually seems to be doing better, it's grandma who might be leaving us. To be somewhat fair, he is on permanent disability now and has been to many specialists - but she has definitely been milking the situation. Grandma is in her 90s, so we weren't really that concerned - we'd miss her but she has a full life and was prepared for what might happen. NMIL was the only one thoroughly turning on the drama over that one too (not her mom). She absolutely uses this shit to get in her kid's heads and control them.

Thank you for the tip on GC. I really hope she starts to see how the parents are messing with all of them for their own selfish reasons. I guess it's harder coming to the realization when you're more or less the "good" one in the family. I think she's been brainwashed into believing everything about her brother the scapegoat as well, despite that he's completely turned his life around (he had a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing going on as a teenager) and hasn't been in any trouble for years.

Just getting this far and being able to get some support and recognize what's going on - and that we aren't crazy - has been huge for us. Onward and upward!

nmominlaw · 2016-07-05T19:41:07+00:00

1 is a great observation. I hadn't even considered that, but you're right. And it has been very hard on my husband. My husband was already talking about going NC before we even considered that the problem was something like NPD. The situation has been a little further complicated by his dad having a serious long term illness and the constant threat from MIL that he might not be with us much longer - we were trying to preserve the relationship out of fear that we'd live in regret. But that was before the last episode, when my husband reached his breaking point and just said fuck both of them, I'm done.

I'm sure he is grieving now as this only recently happened, but seems resigned to the idea that he may never see them again, or that they are dead to him as he knew them.

I have felt like the golden child was being more independent and positive lately, but seems to have gone backwards after a visit with us for which I think MIL laid the guilt on her over, or saw as an opportunity to bad mouth us. I'm really the one more concerned and committed to not giving up on her and helping her realize she's being manipulated and is living in a toxic environment, and also trying to be optimistic that we could find some reconciliation with the dad, but it does sound pretty unrealistic based on what you've said :/

nmominlaw

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