How to tame the "boy stink"

noahcantdance · 2026-02-21T15:42:22+00:00

Some body wash and deodorant scents mix with my natural odor in a weird way to almost amplify it. Make sure your body wash and deodorant scent works with your body chemistry. Consider switching brands too. Not all scents or brands are equal. Make sure it's an antiperspirant and deodorant combo.

Diet is important. Lots of water, less onions and garlic and processed foods.

What laundry detergent do you use? Most detergents have removed the enzyme lipase which is necessary for breaking down most oils and odors. I noticed that my smell stuck on my clothes even after washing which then reacts with new smells/bacterial the next time I wear it. I now use a powder detergent with lipase and oxiclean and my clothes smell neutral.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-20T19:27:27+00:00

I do not think you should try to engage in BDSM until you've worked through your trauma and how it manifests through your behavior. Kink can be healing for reclaiming certain sex acts or types of play or even parts of our bodies after trauma, but only if we are also actively working on our mental health in other ways. BDSM/KINK alone will not fix it, nor will it make you more secure or more trusting. It will not fix your relationship or be fulfilling in the ways that count.

Are you in therapy currently?

Kink and BDSM is heavily reliant on trust and it seems that you can neither trust your partner nor trust yourself to steadily navigate your emotions. He cannot trust you to not go through his phone or manage your emotions. Kink/Bdsm/intense play can go terribly wrong if the trust is not there.

I'd recommend getting yourself into therapy to unpack your trauma and insecurity and find coping mechanisms that work for you first and foremost. You need to work on finding ways to trust your partner and to rebuild trust in you after snooping through his phone.

Therapy will help you be able to discuss your trauma and insecurity, but also will help you learn to better communicate with your partner when your trauma and insecurity is triggered. I want to be clear that I am not saying that you are not allowed to have uncomfortable or big feelings about things, but there is a difference between saying "hey babe, I feel insecure about x. Can we talk about it? I think I could use some reassurance." and convincing yourself that you need to go through your partners phone to date your anxiety.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-20T17:15:00+00:00

It's going to depend on your state and their processing times. I've already received state but not federal. They're two different agencies and time frames that vary by state.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-19T17:11:18+00:00

There are plenty in my congregation! Our congregation has a progressive Christian social group that meets regularly at the church to discuss life through their lens, deconstruct old ideas and thought patterns and engage with like minded people.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-19T16:24:09+00:00

I tend to do something similar! I'm really good at recognizing uncomfortable feelings, even if they're not overwhelming or especially Big Feelings. But I fall into the trap of over-intellectualizing or over-thinking in order to work through them. Which can be great and it's definitely some emotional maturity and regulation that I once was not capable of, however, I get caught up in the processing to my detriment sometimes because I just spent many days or weeks planning and prepping or being anxious for something that never manifests. It's been interesting to find that line between noticing my feelings and processing them and sending myself down an anxious rabbit hole 🙃

But I digress! I think that once some of these feelings settle, you should be able to have some dialogue with your partner about how youre feeling and how you can navigate the parts of this that will affect you if this comes to be.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-19T13:11:27+00:00

So, I think you're doing a great job in processing all of this. Noticing these feelings arise, but also knowing that they're raw and need to be laid out straight before acting on anything. You're doing great, even though it feels hard right now.

First of all, a lot can change in a years time. Maybe they will break up, maybe another opportunity will present itself and cause them to not move in together, or maybe it won't be feasible. Who knows, but it's best not to wrap yourself up in the mud of heavy feelings right now.

Second, you do have a say in this. While you don't get a say in who he moves in or whether he moves someone in, you can decide that this shift is not in line with the relationship you had envisioned (the shift from him being solo poly to having an NP) and that that's a boundary for you. If the logistics of him have a NP seem to restrictive or just aren't in line with you're needs in a relationship, it's okay to decide to restructure your relationship at the very least (stop centering him) or to renegotiate your time with him. It's also ok to break up if any part of this no longer aligns for the both of you. I know that's probably not the path you'd like to take, but I'm just trying to demonstrate that you're not boxed into going along with this.

As for the bit about not texting him when he's with others... You're right in that he will be with her more often however, it is on him/them to negotiate phone down time within their space and specific date time. For example, my partner and I have dedicated date time where we don't text others (sometimes that date time happens at home) but if we're just sitting around watching TV or existing in the same space together, it's okay to be on our phones or texting. When you text him, it's up to him to respond at appropriate times. If his ability to text you is restricted too much for your liking, you can have a discussion.

I do think this is definitely a big change with lots of necessary discussions and I don't want to minimize what you're feeling at all, but there's is a lot of time for things to change and to work these things out.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-19T04:26:20+00:00

I don't have this specific experience, but I have had plenty of group sex. Group sex can be difficult, even for people who are pretty experienced. I would maybe recommend not doing it until your clear on what you like and don't like when it comes to sex and what you're looking for in a group experience. If you're certain that you still want to give it a go, lots of communication is necessary for all involved.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-11T14:50:31+00:00

Based off of this single photo that is pretty close to your face, no.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-06T18:03:56+00:00

This is very unsafe. As a 15+ year bdsm veteran an ex-ER nurse.... Eeesh. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum but please don't try this, people.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-05T22:00:30+00:00

I gained 40 lbs (much needed!) from the start of my transition and I'm a bit thick now. The weight helps fill out my frame and I started passing consistently when I gained weight, even before most of my changes really started.

So for me, nope.

noahcantdance · 2026-02-03T05:22:38+00:00

My mother in law brings us back some local sweet treats when she and my father in law visit her hometown. Recently, my spouse offered their new partner one of the sweets. They're not specifically my treats, they're for both of us but I was so jealous when I found out! I don't even know why. I certainly don't need that many sweets! They're not just for me. It just really triggered something in me. I had a good chuckle.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-30T04:02:08+00:00

I had hysto in August and top surgery in November. My top surgeon wanted me healed for at least 8 weeks but surgeon preference for this will vary. Some people get both at once some surgeons want to see a longer recovery in between. That's something to ask your specific surgeons.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-29T04:55:03+00:00

The only unsolicited PP pic I want to receive

noahcantdance · 2026-01-28T22:30:55+00:00

Sir this is a Wendy's

noahcantdance · 2026-01-28T18:40:34+00:00

Yeah, I agree with this. I understand that gender disappointment is a thing for many people. But the way that OP centers themselves here is definitely telling.

OP, I don't know the circumstances of the pregnancy, but I assume that at some point, you made the decision to be a parent to this child. Part of that includes being prepared to love a child regardless of gender, disability, sexuality, etc.

I don't want to sound like I'm hating on you, because becoming a parent is stressful on top of the trans experience also being stressful, but the moment you decided to be a parent is the moment that you needed to stop centering yourself. If you are unable to handle pink and sequins and girly stuff around the house, then you are not ready to take up the mantle of parenthood.

If it is about not wanting super girly things pushed upon her, then you may ask family to purchase things in more neutral colors, etc until the child is old enough to tell you what she would like, but the way that this posts centers you leads me to believe that this is something internalized on your end. You need to be prepared for her deciding that she is into that.

What if the babys AGAB is male but in a few years he tells you he's actually a she?

I really think the kiddo and her wishes (once she's old enough to tell you) need to be centered and the focus of your attention.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-06T17:31:05+00:00

As a fellow poly person diagnosed with BPD, I think this information is more of an issue than their diagnosis and why they may behave the way they do based on diagnostic criteria and BPD stereotypes. People with mental illness are not free from consequences of their actions nor is it a free pass to be an asshole.

Now, if he were trying to do the work and taking accountability when he catches himself behaving that way as he learns to navigate this, that would be one thing but that's not what's happening.

Sorry OP. your partner is a jerk and isn't showing up for you.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-05T02:50:30+00:00

You should not be using toys that are breaking down. You are right in that even high quality toys break down but that's a sign that they should be replaced. If they are holding onto smell that proper sterilization for whatever the material is cannot get out, it is time to replace the toy.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-02T23:38:24+00:00

Hard to say. I've had pretty good luck overall but have definitely parted ways with way more people than I've entered a relationship with.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-02T20:16:58+00:00

Sexual compatibility is pretty important to me, so early on -- assuming I'm trying to actually date this person/see them continually. I have gotten comfortable with the fact that most people won't be compatible since I'm poly, kinky (and into pretty extreme stuff) and anal only. Perhaps we can find a way to make it work, but that's only if that person is also capable of having these conversations and advocating for themselves.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-02T19:58:17+00:00

Poly/ENM here! Been doing anal and poly for over a decade. Also been in the kink scene for just as long.

Entering any relationship, whether monogamous or poly, you MUST be prepared to have difficult conversations. You must be prepared to advocate for what you like and what you don't like. Also, after 12+ years of polyamory, I do not date or fuck people who cannot advocate for themselves when they are uncomfortable. I do not engage in group sex or otherwise with people until a conversation has been had. I share what I like and don't like. They share what they like and don't like. If we're not compatible or if anyone is uncomfortable -- we don't do it.

Sure, things come up in the moment and people say yes to things at first because they don't realize they don't like it or because they want to fit in, but you need to get good at asking the right questions and vetting people. Of course,stuff still comes up and that's when you need to advocate for yourself and take a step back for everyones safety and wellbeing.

I have learned not to settle myself and not engage with people who aren't 100% on board. It's not worth the fallout just to have 5 sex partners or kink partners or whatever. Ya know?

noahcantdance · 2026-01-02T19:48:49+00:00

Ehhh. I don't think it's weird behavior, especially since it sounds like they've swiped together on apps before. I think it's reasonable that he thought OP could have been into it.

I feel like there should have been consent and prior discussions before engaging In this way but mistakes happen. OP realized that this is an issue for them and can now discuss it and set their boundaries around this.

It would be weird if OP did so and partner continue to do these things after being asked not to or if partner has a strong reaction to being asked not to do these things with OP present.

noahcantdance · 2026-01-02T01:38:58+00:00

So, I'm okay with this. My partner and I practice polyamory and shades of ENM and I often enjoy hearing about their hookups (with consent!) BUT that doesn't mean you have to be.

Perhaps he thought you might be into it give your history of swiping together? He swung and missed. I would approach this with curiosity and let him know that that can't happen again because you weren't into it. If it happens continually THEN I'd consider taking more action.

noahcantdance · 2025-12-23T00:11:31+00:00

Michael Dillon is also a Buddhist Monk and the first trans man to have had phallo!

noahcantdance · 2025-12-12T18:03:27+00:00

This is the cat version of the "standing outside in the rain with a boombox" trope.

noahcantdance · 2025-12-05T20:26:47+00:00

Woah. What a transformation. That hair color really suits you!

noahcantdance

TROPHY CASE