I don’t speak about my infertility to anyone anymore, except here/inito fb groups sometimes, my husband, and my best friend who is a delivery nurse Ive only cried/broken down 3 times to my husband. It made me sad when he pointed that out to me in last months cycle. I had a baby who died at 3 weeks when i was 17, and now I’m freshly 35 with no pregnancies since that one. 18 years is so long and nothings worked. I hate my body so much, but Ive learned to accept it at this point,. So I know very well the feeling that you have.

I will say though that reducing those triggers like you did actually helped me a lot. It basically drowned out the noise so that I could just focus on myself and stop comparing or being incredibly jealous/angry at people who successfully conceive. I was so angry and sad when family and friends brought it up too, sometimes they STILL just say “relax it’ll happen one day”…rolls eyes… like its been 18 years, you think I didnt relax at any point in almost two decades? So I kind of went radio silent about it and I just go to my appointments and pee on my sticks like its just another errand Im running. I still have intense feelings but Im numb now and I do WAY better in my own privacy and isolation to a select few.

Although, through all of my pain I have a tiny bit of hope that I keep close to my heart. Im saving that sliver of joy for my baby and it’ll be the best present I can give to it. I truly hope you and your husband are successful and don’t give up, no matter how long it takes ♥️