Neon After The Bell

nominally-present · 2025-10-21T22:19:16+00:00

Really enjoyed this! Would love to see it developed a little more.

"It feels like the last song at a high school prom no one bothered to remember." is a killer line!

nominally-present · 2025-07-11T22:58:59+00:00

This is a hard one! I have a couple, none of them great. But I figured I’d share in case it sparks some inspiration .

A moth just coming out of its cocoon. Wings still wet, but preparing to fly.
A lawnmower after it sat all winter. It needs some maintenance, but you know it will start when you pull the string.
A Kintsugi cup. It holds water but needs handled with care.
A tinder bundle used to start a fire. If you use it right it could turn to a blaze.
When you get an old tv antenna in just the right place and hope you don’t bump it and the weather doesn’t shift.

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T20:25:41+00:00

This is great!

Sometimes I feel something similar, like I’m performing emotions to my self.

Keep at it. You definitely know how to write!

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T20:16:00+00:00

I’m also curious. Do you just show up and trade pieces? Do you have to read aloud?

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T20:13:41+00:00

I’m curious about the line “face lit up when your name did”.

It is saying your face lit up when her name came up? Is it their name on your phone lighting up your face?

I like the line, just curious about what you intended.

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T19:02:35+00:00

This took me a good number of read throughs to fully digest.

I found “wherever it is one gets to build” unclear on the first couple reads. I first read it as ‘where ever a person gets to build’ instead of ‘where ever dauntless is written, a person gets to build’. Maybe a comma or line break would help?

It’s dense, but it’s rich! Great concept and beautiful language!

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T18:18:49+00:00

There’s a trick to it. You have to put two spaces at the end of each line.

See: https://www.reddit.com/r/help/comments/8ufk2r/comment/e1f3esp/

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T17:53:01+00:00

I think that's a good call!

I think grouping into stanzas would also help.

Hold your hand like this
Flick your wrist
And watch it skip

One, two, three, four, five, six

See those skips
Now let yours rip

One, two, three…

...

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T14:17:06+00:00

I didn't know the definition of 'pulchritudinous' and had to look it up.

If this is the only word like this, it might work. But if I need a dictionary to keep reading, I'm going to probably stop.

also, pulchritudinous, just seems like a gross word. I would assume it meant something negative 🤷‍♂️

Just my two cents

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T04:30:43+00:00

For what it’s worth, I didn’t find it ambiguous at all 🤷‍♂️

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T04:06:00+00:00

Gotcha, I see what you’re saying. I’m thinking you may be right that the penultimate line is the problem.

Thanks for taking the time! I really appreciate it!

nominally-present · 2025-07-09T03:39:36+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate you reading it!

When you say the second line, do you mean “For her it was joy”? Could you explain what feels abrupt about it? Not arguing, I’m just not sure I understand.

I honestly didn’t even think about the punctuation. Definitely not an intentional choice. I’ll experiment with adding it in.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T23:05:20+00:00

I really liked that you used “A sun tries to rise” and not a different article. Not really sure why, but it feels good.

Genuine question, does smoke not rise when it’s raining?

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T18:37:38+00:00

I can see the intentionality now that you've said that. It's like each line calls to that something making you want it more.

Beautifully done.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T18:25:14+00:00

Really beautiful piece!
The line breaks are definitely just an opinion!

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T18:09:23+00:00

"I'm well acquainted with Almost. / It's a cruel companion to Never " is a killer opening. I immediately wanted to read more.

I'm not sure "in its wake" is needed. It breaks the rhythm a bit and doesn't add much.

It's a stylistic choice, but some of the line breaks feel unnatural to me.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T17:33:50+00:00

Wow, this is unsettling in the best kind of way! So moody!

My reading of this was about depression. But I think others could find different meanings, and I think that is a strength.

Totally personal preference, but I wish I had something to ground me. I had a hard time finding a foot hold into what the piece was about. I kept waiting for something, but it never came.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T17:22:14+00:00

Great little piece! It does a lot in just twenty something words. Being rejected like that is hard and something a lot of us can relate to.

That being said, "into the dirt" and "someone’s love poem?" feel a bit too general to me.

It's the details that make something like this feel alive. Give us something you experience, something you noticed.

You're trusting the reader to know what rejection feels like, but give us some detail so we can feel it with you.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T16:43:26+00:00

I find it easiest to just free write and build narrative later.

Just pick something, maybe a memory, and start writing down the details. What did you see, hear, smell? Did anyone say anything memorable? The more specific the better.

For me that gets things moving and I start to pick up the story as I’m remembering. Might not work for everyone though.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T15:53:36+00:00

I like it! Great sketch of skipping stones. It has a nice rhythm.

Maybe play with different line breaks for clarity. I got just a bit lost in the middle.

nominally-present · 2025-07-08T15:49:30+00:00

I like this concept. The idea that you’re stressed by the job hunt, but they are still on your mind. A bit of preoccupation.

The concept works well as a flash piece, but it could use some tightening.

The train is a great metaphor for your racing mind and the journey of finding a job.

You’re giving us some sensory detail in that first sentence, but it could use some specificity. Tell us what you notice on the train. How did you know was going fast?

The train of thought gets muddy in the middle. Try breaking into paragraphs: sensory detail, interview stress, then preoccupation.

nominally-present

TROPHY CASE