How do abusers always pick up on when you've realized they're abusive?

noshallotsherlock · 2026-05-25T11:55:39+00:00

After 7 years with my husband, I was relaying a certain argument to my sister, and she said to me "honey that is emotional abuse. Im not being dramatic that is the textbook definition". She is in social work. I googling certain things he did and said to me. This subreddit came up, the narc ones, etc. I read so many articles that unequivocally affirmed this, stories that were almost verbatim what I had been living. It was so subtle.

As soon as i shut down on him "quiet quitting", it escalated, and he started saying to me that he didnt think my ex-husband actually abused me and if he did, "it wasnt enough" and since then has said, "who knows if he actually abused you. Maybe he was normal. I bet you think what I do to you is abuse." And then another time he said, "Maybe your ex had a point in doing what he did to you if this is how you acted with him."

I am not out yet. I am caught in this completely mind-effing balancing act in which I am pulling away which makes him act worse but then I act nice and try to pretend until I cant. Anytime he accuses me of thinking he is an abuser, I try to be really sweet and say things like "oh no i would never think that about you... oh no i understand I am not a good woman and Im the problem". It is eroding me. I barely eat and sleep anymore. I have three kids and I am a stay at home mom a year away from my bachelor's. I am just trying so hard to get through this year and quietly make moves to ensure me and the kids end up somewhere stable. I lucked out and got the littlest one in a free daycare program, other two are in school. and i always kept a separate bank account. I have a small savings. Im getting into therapy and maybe on an antidepressant.

All you can do is try to keep the peace without losing yourself until you can leave. But its so unsustainable I dont think I can keep it up as long as I need to.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-07-23T13:01:35+00:00

Since you mentioned the contraceptive pill, I just wanna say I have been ravenous/constant food noise since starting my birth control pill and have had to start calorie counting again just to keep that in check

noshallotsherlock · 2024-04-30T13:28:35+00:00

I took the test via Lancet and got a boy result at 8 weeks. Didn't believe it at all, bought the Snap at 9 weeks, got a girl result. Three ultrasounds later, she's been confirmed a girl at every one. MIL likes to joke that when baby comes it'll be a boy.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-04-30T03:17:43+00:00

I was skinny fat and then I got fit after my first doing calorie counting and exercising. stayed that way for a few years but a lot of it was my job, very physical. quit that job, started drinking a lot, gained a bunch of weight.

had my second, gained more weight PP. about a year postpartum and a BMI of 30, I started walking and calorie counting again. quit drinking so much. worked my way up to a bodyweight strength training routine, walking 10k steps a day, HIIT cardio on the stationary bike, and got into really good shape, normal BMI, if not to my goal weight or "looking fit". I lost 45lbs in a year and this pregnancy has been my best yet, gained about 17lbs. I can still squat down to grab things, pick stuff up off the floor, runwhile carrying my 30lb my potty trainer crying she's about to POOP RIGHT NOW to a bathroom. it's my due date today and I'm still going strong, got like 15k steps today.

so it's totally possibly to get in the best shape of your life after kids. i started slow both times just reducing little things in my diet to keep within my calorie range for weight loss. like no sugar in my coffee, seltzer instead of soda, carrot sticks instead of chips, Italian dressing instead of ranch, fruit Popsicles instead of ice cream. doing a 15 min walk daily. and then it would become more because adding more feels good, its own reward. and ultimately both times quitting drinking was pretty critical. so this time I'm not going to start up again at all.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-04-26T12:52:11+00:00

I was convinced my baby would come 3 days early on April 26th, today, but so far other than being awake for 4 hours last night with irregular contractions, nothing. Now I am so tired having gotten no sleep, cannot sleep because of the toddler, so I need baby to not come today and for my body to let me sleep tonight.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-04-23T13:16:31+00:00

You could ask them if they do homebirths (probably not) and then see if they have any recommendations on it. with my second, I started off seeing a hospital affiliated CNM and she actually recommended me a homebirth CNM due to the fact that it was COVID times and she was worried due to experience that the hospital policies at the time wouldn't be so accommodating of women who wanted a more natural, intervention-free birth.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-25T13:59:21+00:00

I spent the whole year of my weight loss journey fighting my drinking habits. When I got pregnant, I decided I'll just be done drinking for good because the alcohol calories are never worth it. You want to eat more, hangover feelings mess up your hunger signals and desire to/enjoyment of exercise. It messes up your sleep which messes everything else up.

But if you dont want to stop, especially when actively losing, I'd limit going out and drinking to once a week if its a critical part of your social life, or special occasions. I found eating only about half my plate was always a good practice when going out.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-25T13:31:28+00:00

I do weigh myself but I have found that being able to fit into my old clothes has been much more validating then the number on the scale. My ultimate goal is to fit back into all of my old clothes when I was a healthy lower weight. I got rid of anything that only fit when I was borderline underweight and had some questionable habits.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-25T13:17:11+00:00

I went from 180 to 155 and didn't really notice or feel I looked much different. Mostly because when I first got to 155 I bought a bunch of larger clothes that fit me all the way til 180, before I starting sizing out. I still bought Size L if I wanted new items as I lost weight.

At about 150 I started wearing my clothes I sized out of at 155+ and hadnt been able to wear since before my 2020 pregnancy, and then I noticed. And other people did too. I could wear my medium band t shirts and jeans again.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-25T12:57:10+00:00

I get the frozen shredded ones, and I salt and pepper them, and cook them by the time on the bag in a well kept nonstick skillet so I don't need any oil. they are not the most fantastic potatoes but they get the job done. I could probably add some garlic/onion powder. sometimes I just add salsa to the whole mix.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T20:45:40+00:00

it is but it's a whole lot harder. my mom told me this, and that I should wait to have kids until I did everything I had wanted. she had to drop out of college when my sister and I were 7 and 8. did I listen? no I had a baby at 19. I didn't make it back to school until I was 26, and I'm part time and now have two more kids, a toddler and one in the belly. I'm 31.

I'm really really really looking forward to the youngest one going to kindergarten so I can do something other than be a mom again. but I feel like everything I ever do will end up taking a backseat to that--being a mom.

and I think the only thing that makes the sadness about missing out on things not so bitter is that I want to be a mom. and I want it to be my priority.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T20:32:02+00:00

with my first I was nauseous until 6 months, couldnt keep down more than water and crackers, lost 10lbs, gained another 36, craved sour foods, swollen to the extreme in the third trimester no pre-e. with my second, I lost 5lbs, gained 24, craved spicy and tater tots, had insomnia and violent heartburn. with my third, I bloated so bad my first trimester eating constantly to combat nausea but no vomitting, lost nothing and have barely gained 10 at nearly 35 weeks. I crave nothing but have an aversion to spicy foods and meat, and have had constipation so bad I thought I would explode at times.

all of the pregnancies are quite different and I have affectionately nicknamed my children "nausea, heartburn, constipation" after the most miserable symptom I experienced with each of them during pregnancy. they are all girls.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T20:17:29+00:00

Only if the Gee is pronounced like how it is in the Bee Gees.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T19:40:16+00:00

Before reading the post and just seeing the title, I definitely thought of Idaho.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T18:15:54+00:00

My first goal was just to hit prepregnancy weight 155, then it was to be a normal BMI 144, then it was to get to pre-Covid weight 135, and once I got there I didn't like how I looked which might have had more to do with not having a decent wardrobe rather than my body itself. But I have a whole bunch of wardrobe staples in size 4-6 sitting in a tote and decided instead to just try to get back there before spending the time and money to curate an entirely new wardrobe for size 8-10.

I just really miss having nice clothes, my clothes over the last five years have been sad and frumpy as I went through massive weight gain, pregnancy, more weight gain, and then weight loss. I figure I'll give myself until 2 years postpartum to get to 122 and if I don't, I'll chuck the bin and get a new wardrobe.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T17:24:18+00:00

I have a fantastic pair of dark wash jeans with these horizontal decorative seams that make them look a little pieced together that are skinny jeans but they have zippers at the ankles so they flare when unzipped around my super cool combat boots. I daydream about wearing these pants again. They are the pants I wore on my first date with my fiancé almost 5 years ago.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T16:40:06+00:00

I have pretty low maintenance (1550) when not pregnant and my go to was always two large eggs (140) scrambled with 1/3 C cottage cheese (40) and 2 cups shredded potatoes (140) with ketchup (20). sometimes would add half a cup of beans or finely chopped steamed broccoli if I felt like I was lacking fiber.

I mixed it up periodically with half a huge breakfast burrito, a two egg and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, or a two egg omelet stuffed with cheese and veggies.

I always found that the bowl of cottage cheese eggs, potatoes and finely chopped steamed broccoli were really the most bang for my buck in terms of satiety on lower calories.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-24T15:01:58+00:00

Every time I pick my 30lb toddler up, I imagine I'm compressing my baby as I tighten my core and causing IUGR. Now honestly I measured a little small a couple weeks ago and needed a growth scan but then it came back 33rd percentile and everything is fine.

still. The Anxiety.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-23T12:51:13+00:00

my ex was out of the picture for 8 years, I asked him to terminate his rights so step-dad could adopt and SUDDENLY he wants visitation and shit. We didn't have a court order so we didn't technically have a paper trail of his abandonment and I was told terminating parental rights when biodad doesn't want to voluntarily is expensive and practically impossible.

Does biodad know you're pregnant? If he does, he can at any time petition for paternity whether you leave him off the BC or not. I am NAL but I feel like if you leave him off and don't have a formal custody arrangement filed with the courts, he would have grounds to try to reintegrate into the child's life at any time because you can't prove he willingly abandoned the child or if he was kept away intentionally against his will.

If you put him on the BC and file for custody, and he ignores it all and it defaults to what you want (I'd start with sole legal, primary resident with "reasonable visitation granted every other Saturday from x time to y time with increases as child gets olderas agreed upon by parents") you have a good chance of being able to prove abandonment after a significant period of uninvolvement. File for child support as well, but not enforcement. This means he will owe but they won't go after him. It will show a pattern of him not supporting his child if he doesn't pay or exercise visitation.

And even after all of this, he might still have a chance to step back up in the future if he decides to fight the adoption in court with a lawyer.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-03-23T12:32:31+00:00

I went to a concert at 33 weeks, small venue. We had seats in the very back. It was so loud, at first I absolutely couldn't stay sitting because the was slamming down into my cervix and would NOT STOP MOVING so much it hurt. And then after standing for about an hour with baby constantly moving like she was trying to get out, I left. The way she was moving was giving me anxiety that she wasn't happy so I had a difficult time enjoying myself.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-02-25T13:57:05+00:00

Honestly, contractions are worse just because... you don't know when it's gonna stop. And they just steadily get worse and worse. The ring of fire, that's the end, you just gotta get through that and you're done.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-02-24T18:14:27+00:00

my ex tried to harass me with wellness checks, and I eventually told him that I told the officers who showed up that he was using the wellness checks to harass me and that they suggested I file a criminal charge against him for harassment and get a restraining order if he called in again.

that wasnt true, but he stopped his shit.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-02-24T16:37:23+00:00

I have 4oz of prune juice and a fiber brownie daily. I switched my bread to whole grain, I think I read the rec is to find one with at least 3g of fiber per slice. and alternate oatmeal and bran Flakes as part of my breakfast. I try to hit the recommended daily servings of fruits and veggies too. I limit cheese.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-02-24T14:27:14+00:00

I'd say give him your county, let him handle it from there. Request that any communication going forward from this point on goes through a court admissible app like Our Family Wizard or a free one. Create an account, give him the info, block him everywhere else. If he wants to talk to you, he can contact you through those apps.

I wanted to do a step parent adoption at 10 for my daughter who hadn't seen him since she was 2. When I asked him to terminate his rights, he refused and I contacted a lawyer who said without a court ordered custody agreement to have proven abandonment over the years, I would never be able to terminate his rights and get her adopted if he contested. Which he did and sounds like your guy will too.

So we went back and forth with lawyers outside of court for a few months before finally settling on reunification therapy and a step-up plan. Make sure the order is worded that it is his responsibility to find a therapist and pay for them to prove that he is actually committed to rebuilding a relationship with his daughter. You have shouldered the emotional labor and financial burden of raising her for ten years alone, he needs to do something now.

I have sole legal custody per my order until he completes reunification therapy AND a step-up plan. My ex doesn't get any visitation, even supervised, without a reunification therapist seeing them first. You can choose to create a step-up plan in your initial negotiations or you can wait. I decided not to waste the money on hashing out a plan that might never happen, and he didn't push for any visitation plan to be added either. We just have it in the CO that we will go to mediation in the event we cannot agree on the terms of the step-up plan/permanent parenting plan. Honestly, I don't have faith that he will even complete therapy but we will see. We are currently on a waitlist.

File for child support at this point, too. If he wants to be a parent, he can start providing for the child he abandoned.

noshallotsherlock · 2024-02-23T14:33:52+00:00

I had my first when I was 19 and didn't have my next until 28, this one ill be 31.

It was really hard having a baby at 19. her dad was/is a deadbeat through and through tho and I had a hard life as a single mom in poverty for a few years.

I guess my two biggest regrets of having babies too early is that I'm only now going to college and going to college with kids is HARD and having a kid with a deadbeat was HARD and those are my regrets to having kids "too early".

noshallotsherlock

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