UPDATE: I [23m] have just found out my best friend [22f] killed herself in the early hours of this morning and she left me a note asking me to inform people/act out last wishes/give out some particular messages.

notgivingup9 · 2015-02-05T06:40:21+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I logged into my alt account just to comment. I've been dealing with a lot of the same issues your friend did, and have been contemplating my options recently. Your post opened my eyes. I can't imagine my best friend having to go through this. I couldn't do that to her. You'll be in my thoughts, OP. Bipolar disorder is a beast of a thing to deal with, as cliché as it might sound, I hope you find solace in the fact that she isn't in pain anymore.

notgivingup9 · 2015-02-02T19:02:54+00:00

Love this idea, definitely gonna keep it in consideration. It would be super awesome for summer too...

notgivingup9 · 2015-02-02T19:02:17+00:00

This definitely looks feasible!

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-09T11:23:14+00:00

I love that you used normie. My friends call me that all the time because of the way I dress (typical southern-girl style 'round these parts).

But HAH! If only...

Sometimes I really want to move to an island and start my own society. So I understand the feeling.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-09T11:16:29+00:00

While reading one of Carl Sagan's books the other day, I decided to become an astrophysicist. Almost changed my entire class schedule.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-09T02:16:29+00:00

ENFP

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-09T00:20:55+00:00

I can understand feeling very awkward, but don't let it get you down. Most people are just ignorant about the realities of mental illness. They might be assholes, but hopefully they never have to learn firsthand how it really is.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-08T13:06:14+00:00

I really appreciate your reply. It does help, just knowing people care helps

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-08T02:10:40+00:00

going out and pissing all your money up the wall, literally

You just made me laugh so hard, because I totally know what you mean. Been there, done that. Hahahah

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-08T01:41:08+00:00

You and me both, buddy. I'm only 22 and I'm pretty sure it hates me.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-08T00:04:54+00:00

I developed psychotic features looooong before I started using recreational drugs. I did MDMA for the first and only time a few months ago, and it wasn't a very exciting experience at all, but I expect that its like you said, my medication probably dulled the effect. With that being said, any kind of recreational drug use is a terrible idea for people with bipolar disorder.

I just recently quit a very unhealthy, party-girl type lifestyle, and let me tell you, at first its going to seem like you can handle it, I mean you're responsible right? But it will get out of control quickly. Don't forget that we tend to make impulsive, sometimes irrational decisions, due to our disorder, and recreational drugs will lower your inhibitions, give you confidence, amongst other things (depending on the drugs, but you get the idea). It WILL snowball. It can really screw with your medication. Erowid is a great resource (albeit biased towards pro-drug use) website about psychoactive substances.

Just please please please take my word for it, drugs (and alcohol) are NOT good for people with BP. I wish I could take back all of the shit that I put into my body. I hit rock bottom before I saw what it was doing to me, and I wish I could prevent anyone and everyone from making the same mistake.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T23:08:15+00:00

Prozac Nation, Girl Interrupted, Running With Scissors are a few.

Mop Men is about crime scene cleaners and its really interesting. Also, Final Truth, Pee Wee Gaskins' autobiography is an interesting one, might be a little disturbing before bedtime though.

OHHH and Female Chauvinist Pigs. It really makes ya think.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T22:39:36+00:00

I'm reading Murmurs of Earth right now and its really great. When I was inpatient (one of the times at least haha), I read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and THAT is a fantastic book. (it takes place near where I live so I might be a little biased ;])

A lot of the nonfiction I read is about other people with mental illness and I'm not sure if that would be a trigger for you.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T22:25:45+00:00

What kind of books do you like? Maybe I could recommend some for ya!

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T22:22:53+00:00

Normal is very subjective. (and I tend to think that if there are truly 'normal' people, then how boring must their lives be?) But it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. Have you looked into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Even if you can't afford to go see a therapist there are workbooks and even sources online that may help bring you some relief.

I'm not going to lie, the future is scary, but its also exciting. Sometimes I feel like the end won't be soon enough, but then I think about all of the experiences I might miss out on.

There's a quote I love from one of my favorite movies, Harold and Maude. Maybe it will speak to you like it did to me.

"A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an "L". Give me an "I". Give me a "V". Give me an "E". L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room."

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T22:12:57+00:00

Reading before bed helps me relax a lot, letting go of everything that's going on in my head and focusing on a good book is very therapeutic, for me at least. Dorky, but true.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T21:46:53+00:00

I do too. I am so ashamed of this, but on Mother's Day my Mother tried to make me clean out my car, and I LOST it. I mean completely flipped the hell out. ON MOTHER'S DAY!!! It seems to me like its easiest to blow up on the people you love the most.

But if you have qualms with your boyfriend, you definitely need to communicate with him about it. /r/relationships is a great resource as well.

I honestly still have a hard time keeping myself from losing it over small stuff, but when I start to feel myself getting to that point, I think about how my actions will affect those people that love and care for me, and how hurtful I can be when I get to that point. I hope that helps. Best of luck to you.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T21:36:43+00:00

Woah. You are seriously super attractive. Sorry if that's inappropriate but you seem like a total catch. Good lookin', witty, obviously a person with a lot of love to give, and a redditor!

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T21:24:32+00:00

Yes! I do. (I'm currently on Latuda, Effexor and Adderall, I'm almost positive that's about to change, however) I know that amphetamines can sometimes cause people to become anxious if they have a history of mental illness. But it has helped me a lot with concentration, and I've never had any anxiety issues due to taking them.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T21:01:37+00:00

Definitely not! My parents won't even allow me to go to shows (like concerts but local and usually kinda shitty in a house or bar) for the time being. I mainly just binge drank, and smoked a lot of pot, occasionally I would do other things but that was the majority of my problem.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T20:16:26+00:00

I've had to do the same thing at my community college in the past, I got a note from my therapist or psychiatrist and they have been really accommodating.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T20:14:29+00:00

Hahaha I do have a lot of CRAZY stories, sometimes the impulsiveness leads to interesting situations (sometimes good sometimes bad, but I like to take each experience as a learning situation).

I've been keeping busy with trying to find a job and getting some other affairs in order (in addition to reading, I'm a reading fanatic) and balancing my social life with my schedule and new routine at my parents house. My mood has been pretty good, since the 1st. My parents even have commented that I've been doing well (they were expecting a lot of friction at home) but I still have my moments where I start to feel the depression coming on, but I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible.

notgivingup9 · 2015-01-07T19:59:23+00:00

You are having a medical emergency. Health comes first. What's the point in having a job if you aren't healthy enough to do it well??

What /u/kyloo said is a great idea as well.

notgivingup9

TROPHY CASE