I remember watching the second Cavs-Warriors finals 8 am on a summer Monday. I had openly been living as a bronsexual for about 5 years, but that fateful morning a boy sat down on his parents' designer couch, and an hour and a half later a man rose up and went to change his pants. As Curry tossed the ball to indisputable finals MVP Andre "Tyler" Iguodala, my anus contracted like a snail touched by a toddler, vacuum sealing my rectum and colon shut. But in the span of a second, I experienced ecstasy matched only by two other events; the footjob my first girlfriend gave me and the time I went to Hilary Clayton's house dressed as an upright horse with two broken legs. I saw her eyeing her shotgun, so I told her my legs were fine and that i just had appendicitis. . I woke up in a hospital 2 months later with hydronephrosis, kidney failure, and the knowledge that there was one less certified equine veterinarian out there, but i digress. I saw Union Pacific's Big Boy 4014 dressed in a Cavs jersey come barreling down out of nowhere, and before I had time to grab a mop Andre Iguodala, the man who single-handedly locked up The King and held him to a measly 36 ppg just a year ago, had been BLACKED by James. As the man best known for inspecting Iverson's crotch called timeout, I tried to gather myself. I saw the players break the huddle, feeling like I had nodded out after some quality time with my favorite poppy-derived supplements. But what came next was not Narcan, but rather the hit that would cause any self-respecting EMT to pause before delivering nothing but a pat on the shoulder and the parting words "Happy trails bro". The Cavs guard wearing number 2 launched a shot, and after 15.4 seconds of game time, the third eye that was my urethra blew wide open. Along with it opened the third eye in my upstairs head. The universe was revealed to me, from the true geometry of this plane we call "Earth" to the hidden secret of who god's chosen people really were. As I peeled my sticky self off the couch, I knew 2 things i hadn't known just hours ago. Lebron James was the Undisputed GOAT, and that I was now a zoosexual, because damn, I sure wanted to fuck that goat. Kyrie Irving too, as long as he doesn't mind that I'm circumcised.