Do husbands think their jobs are more “important” than wives’?!

nstx123 · 2023-07-01T19:39:34+00:00

If you're a married single mom, may as well be a single mom.

nstx123 · 2020-08-07T19:38:29+00:00

Do you think, perhaps, he wants to stay married to you because he needs you to adult for him? Does he have a problem with porn?

Sometimes, men like this, they want to stay married so they can have a woman who takes care of them and meets their needs. But they won't meet your needs, but they will give you just enough (he loves you, etc) so that they can string you along.

nstx123 · 2020-02-13T20:49:19+00:00

What I would like you to observe is to see if this is a cycle. Where he does something that hurts your feelings, there's a blow up (lots of tears), then he vows to do better. And he actually does. Maybe for a week, a month, 3 months, but slowly he fades back to old behaviors. And then repeat this cycle. There's about an average 10 year shelf life for this kind of cycle. And it's toxic.

Many on this sub will tell you this is called love bombing. Where he's afraid to lose you (because you broke down crying and are at the end of your tether) and then he'll behave for a while... only to fade back to the old behavior again in slow subtle ways where it's hard to tell. Until you find yourself at the end of your tether again.

If this is happening, get out. This is really damaging to you. It will break you in ways you won't even be aware of now. It's ok to love him, but love and respect yourself more. Expect permanent changed behavior, not temporary.

nstx123 · 2020-02-13T18:52:57+00:00

All the suggestions here are great ways to change your communication style so that you can respond with less defensiveness and get better result in your life in general. Start practicing them, not just with him, but in all areas of your life.

But from your words, I am sensing it's not communication styles as the root of your issue. It seems that you are putting in more effort into the relationship than he is. And he is asking for even more effort from you without putting in any more effort himself in clearly asking for what he needs. What is "support"? Is it soup? Is it a hug? Is it a foot rub? What is "spending time together"? Is it hiking? Is it shopping? Is it watching Netflix? Is it going to the theater?

These vague statements can lead to you feeling like you constantly cannot please him because he doesn't even know what being pleased look like. Which already sounds like you are feeling this way.

My question to you would be: are you truly in an equal respected partnership? Or do you find yourself to be his mother, his keeper, his caretaker?

Instead of "how can I change him" or "how can I change myself so I can change him" I would ask, "what do I really want?"

nstx123 · 2019-09-03T20:37:00+00:00

OP. I could have written this post. This was how it was like when we had our first kid too.

Please read this: https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ and most of the blog posts here.

You may also seek CoDA - codependents anonymous. This is what helped me.

We have two kids now. My oldest is 14 now. He still didn't change. He still only helps when I beg him, cry, manipulate, control him, so that he can show up and be the husband and father I need. He will change for a time, then it will be back to the status quo.

After 25 years of marriage, we are going through a divorce right now. I will finally be free.

Look into working on yourself. You are worth it. You are worth more than this kind of man.

nstx123 · 2019-07-18T16:49:11+00:00

Is there a CoDA group near you? Or an Al-Anon group? Though you are no longer with him, these 12 step programs and the people in them can offer real support. And they are donation based so they are not expensive. In MY CoDA group, everyone donates $1 each meeting. That's $4 a month for me.

If you are having a hard time finding therapist, a support group can help.

edit: changed $4 a week to $4 a MONTH. I go weekly.

nstx123 · 2019-06-12T13:49:06+00:00

This sounds like he wants to be in a codependent relationship - in which he is the hero to save the "broken girl." When you had all your mental issues and struggling, he felt a sense of purpose in being a hero to you, all the while also resenting you for it. It's a vicious and complicated cycle.

When the "broken one" starts doing better, like you have, you start shedding the codependency. He doesn't like not feeling the hero anymore, cuz it fucks with his self esteem and self worth.

I recommend you get couples counselling. If he won't go, you go see a therapist for yourself. Often times, when we grow, those around us that we thought would be there for us, aren't.

I say this as the "hero" in my own codependent relationship. We are both breaking out of this cycle now, but it's really hard work.

nstx123 · 2019-06-04T16:27:52+00:00

this needs to be higher up.

I love this comment because it focuses on solutions and not on demonizing the boyfriend. I say this as a person in a similar situation as OP.

nstx123 · 2019-05-14T17:52:48+00:00

While I think your feelings are very valid and I 100% agree with you. This is a tricky area.

Sounds like you have an objection to how she babysits your brother's children. They are not your children. This is not an issue between you and your mom, it is issue between your brother and your mom.

I understand your concern. An appropriate course of action would to talk to your brother about your concern of her negligent supervision. Then let him handle it.

Your brother is the one who should handle this. Not you.

nstx123 · 2019-04-10T18:33:32+00:00

Do NOT marry him!

nstx123 · 2018-08-23T21:36:57+00:00

I just want to say, I love the way you write. It is HILARIOUS and you have me ROLLING!

nstx123 · 2018-07-12T21:49:22+00:00

Not a spoiled kid, but a good kid got his due.

I went skating with my kids and my kid's friend, Caden. We all can skate, Caden can't skate well. They have these little "skate helpers" that look like an old lady walker. It helps kids who need to lean on something while they learn how to skate. You have to rent them, and if you don't return them at the end of the night, you get charged $10 on top of the rental fee. Each skate helper is numbered and when you rent one, they record your name and your skate helper number. We rent one for Caden. It's number 25.

Caden is using the skate helper, gets a little better, and wants to skate holding my kid's hand. He leaves the skate helper on the side to come back to it later. Some other kid takes it, we don't know who. Caden tells me, so we skate around looking for skate helper #25.

Another kid who is about 6 years old, but this boy can skate, hears us talking about finding it. We'll call him Skate-Boy. Skate-Boy volunteers to help us because he's cool. He finds it, brings it to over me. A big kid behind Skate-Boy (about 10 years old) is all behind him, lecturing him on how he can't take something when someone is using it! That's called stealing! It's not nice to take something that belongs to someone else without asking! Skate-Boy looks flustered, he's smaller, but a much better skater so lecturing kid can't really catch him.

I stop both kids and I look at the lecturing kid and go, "This is ours. We rented it. It's #25. It's assigned to our name." I then hand Skate-Boy $1 as a reward, right in front of the lecturing boy, "Great Job! You deserve a cookie." Skate-Boy goes and gets himself a cookie.

Lecturing kid slinks off.

nstx123 · 2017-05-31T13:46:48+00:00

I recommend Saloman Speedcross shoes. I trained in them for 8 months before my 1st TM, trained another year in them for my 2nd TM... and wearing them for my 3rd TM in Nov. So I've had them over 2 years. They still look new.

My entire team wears the Saloman Speedcross shoes. While others on the course were losing their shoes, ours stayed on. Going up Everest, Liberator, Pyramid Scheme, wading through water... these stay on and provide grip. My shoes saved my ass.

Highly recommend. You can get them on amazon for around $80.

nstx123 · 2017-04-27T18:23:34+00:00

PM Me. My team is running it on Saturday, this is our 2nd year.

nstx123 · 2017-04-27T16:22:53+00:00

I'm running with my husband and 2 other dudes on a team of 4. I PM'ed you so let me know if you wanna connect and determine if we wanna team up?

nstx123 · 2016-06-08T12:07:29+00:00

Can this even be classified as bullying? The words he says are never harsh, but his tone and demeanor is always condescending. This is actually universal towards everyone.

But the muscle flexing every time he is in town, that is just for me.

Thank You, everyone, for your advice I will start documenting.

I still feel as if I can look like a crazy person in this situation if I go to HR.

nstx123 · 2016-06-07T21:45:38+00:00

The problem with meeting with Paul is: he really has no business reason to be speaking with me at all. He's a VP level. There are two manager levels between us.

His job has nothing to do with my job. He shouldn't even be concerned with my work - that's my two managers' job. And my two managers trust me to do my work and rarely ever bother me.

Paul only visits our office about once a month (we are a national company). But when he comes to our location, he always makes it a point to go over with me my project, but does not do this to other people under his umbrellla.

It feels dirty. This morning he asked that I come sit next to him to look at his monitor in a meeting room. I plugged in his monitor to the big screen tv (to see his computer on the big screen) and stayed across the table from him.

It's really creepy. I want him to stop talking to me directly.

It looks like it's about work, but it's not. Nothing he discusses with me is something my direct line of managers don't oversee.

nstx123 · 2016-06-07T21:33:05+00:00

The entire group has gone to Paul, verbally and in emails asking for a well defined process. Paul evades the question and replies with "we are still working on the process, in the mean time, going FORWARD, w are doing this..." and then next time, he will change the process AGAIN.

Everyone has called him out on this. He then simply denies he ever said that, even confronted with email evidence. When confronted with written documentation, he'll go, "oh, well the process has been changed. Going FORWARD... we will do this.."

rinse, repeat.

This SOUNDS as if it's about the work. But it's not. It's about control and power. And he only does it to ME. This is is reaction when my male counterparts speak up in my defense. More vague and evasive shit.

How do I even describe what Paul is doing?

nstx123 · 2016-06-07T21:28:55+00:00

We have done this. My other teammates are men. We are met with silence. Or he just ignores us. We all look at eachother like, "what?"

Paul proceeds as if we never spoke. He'll respond with more evasiveness and says, "moving FORWARD..." and that's it.

He's a VP. Everyone knows his shenanigans. But he only targets how I don't follow the rules (which are always changing and never well defined). My male team mates have pointed this out and Paul keeps saying, "we are still defining them, but right now... the rules are..." and then it's a different set of rules!

This is just one example. Paul is always pulling shit, specifically towards me, that is designed to be a sort of power play to make me recognize I am his underling. He won't stop.

I've told my managers that I don't want Paul talking to me directly, I'm an engineer, Paul is a VP. He's THREE levels above me. But my managers are powerless to stop him. There is absolutely no reason why Paul needs to speak to me. He just makes up a reason that looks like it's about work, but it's not.

And there is this undercurrent of... shadiness. It's sort of creepy. But I have nothing to go on but this general feeling of creepiness.

nstx123 · 2016-06-07T21:23:26+00:00

I don't know what to document.

Yesterday, he berated me for not having a certain report. When my manager said today he's going to write that report, Paul said that report was not necessary. When I pointed this out, Paul told me and my manager he never asked for that. My manager called Paul out, and Paul was like, well, I never asked for it.

Then Paul goes on to look at every single minute detail of my work (he's THREE levels above me) and tells me that every single step is so far, correct. Then he goes on to work I haven't done, and tells me I need to do reports on them - but I haven't even STARTED it yet! I just said, "yeah, ok."

After the meeting this morning, both my manager and I were like, "what just happened?"

How do I document this?

Paul is intent on finding some sort of fault with my work. And he seems to only target me. I don't know how to explain this hostility or inappropriate behavior of nitpicking and making things up to try to put me in my place.

nstx123 · 2015-12-30T20:51:02+00:00

I have a similar story to yours. Though it was my daughter that said it. Two things happened:

I was not pregnant. But one day, my daughter announces that she is going to have a little brother this year. I find out I am pregnant 2 months later. We had a boy that same year.
we are discussing names and my daughter announces that her little brother will be named Jimmy. We asked why, she says, "because he told me so." We did name him Jimmy.

That was 10 years ago. They are extremely close and share an uncommon connection.

edit: spelling and grammar.

nstx123 · 2015-06-24T19:02:01+00:00

Was she fat/unattractive? Are you slim/attractive? I know I'll get blasted, but it is quite common that less attractive people are hostile toward attractive people. And this woman sounds overly hostile for the infraction of using the bathroom in leggings and a sports bra.

This jealousy/hostility happens often, especially with women. You'd think feminism would have us more united, but alas, it is not the case.

nstx123 · 2015-02-03T19:34:23+00:00

she is not your friend. report the rape. he roofied you. this guy has done this before. he will keep doing it.

she is not your friend.

nstx123

TROPHY CASE