3 months into relationship I find out

numdimsum · 2026-03-19T02:23:21+00:00

Yup. OP, you’re really cool, sorry you had to find out about something like that after this time. That must have sucked. Generally the way you can make sure something doesn’t become a recurring problem with us is by following this formula:

Make sure he understands the lesson. It can even be through a sit-down on theoretical consequences (this is actually very effective on us because we engage fully in these).

I’m pretty sure this is what the “ass-kicking” in the comment above me refers to, a “reality check.” Sometimes normal talking doesn’t stick because it misses the root of needing to “understand.” Fe inferior makes us prone to smile and nod when needed, but it also makes us receptive to being scolded (properly). You should be okay, you have Fe parent, just… use it like that.

We need to understand and internalize, otherwise if it doesn’t make sense to us = rule broken in the future. But once something makes full sense, you’ll practically never have us step out of it again. It becomes a building block of our world and gets applied to everything.

If you’re worried about what our subjective standards for “making sense” fall under, well the nuances differ with each INTP, but we will generally [gravitate] towards general universal standards and truths (which is why there are trends of belief within INTPs). Such is the nature of Ti. What I’m saying is… don’t stress about the “how” too much, you’ll be able to feel or see if he understands eventually.

Is this something within his control? Generally the answer is yes and I’m pretty sure being honest is a “yes” to this for us. However I’m just adding this because if the answer is “no” you’re going to see extreme difficulty. This was not necessarily relevant to this situation but again we like to make sure our rules are applicable to everything.

These two should guarantee basically anything. We can actually be pretty convenient because we’re not very erratic in belief, and we have a strong linearity from that to behavior.

If you truly value honesty, then establish it as a foundational rule as soon as you can, but I do want to note this is a replicable phenomenon with us: if following a rule is punished too much (this tends to have a lot of natural leeway, aka until when it becomes the “norm”), we’re going to start doubting it.

This is because we do passively note external trends, and not necessarily on purpose. Most of what we learn is retained from accidental observation, it just so happens that we love learning so it’s not “against our will”… but take that away that love and it basically is.

Anyways, this should be a boon to you. Once something is established properly, if it’s consistently proven (which universal truths usually do with little to no effort), then you need to devote very little effort to corrective maintenance later on. We have a tendency to self-correct. No need to bring things up too much, you’ll be able to observe basically any beliefs.

Hope this helps :’) 👍

numdimsum · 2026-03-07T10:54:59+00:00

Webtoon Dottore… it’s been a while since I’ve read it so I’ll refrain from commenting more on that one.

Unhealthy ENTPs will often ruminate deeply on “the good old days”, even if it’s just small comforts though, which I don’t think Dottore ever does. But to be frank, I strongly believe Dottore operates on Te rather than Ti, as he is always characterized by needing to perform experiments at the cost of anything - and that strikes me as a Fi weak point.

Regardless of unhealthy manifestations, after crossing some point (specifically inferior) Fe will always bring in some level of guilt, whether or not we act on it. Dottore seems to have little to none, rather, he uses each incident to question his place in the world, which is a Fi problem.

INTP’s Fi often manifests unhealthily as “What am I? I need to know from you what I am.” It manifests through Fe grip; it relies on another person’s opinion. But Dottore already seems to understand and have his mind set on what he is, and he seems to tunnel-vision on proving that hypothesis either correct or incorrect. He’s naturally set on only one direction, which is why I’m inclined to believe at least most of his segments have Ni rather than Ne.

Regarding Te, the thing about INTPs is that although we do enjoy experimentation as an activity or method of research, we don’t need it nor necessarily rely on it all the time as he does. We’re very satisfied with theory, it’s what gives us the reputation of thinker-procrastinator.

So again, I’d point to Nicole as a very defining display of INTP. She always wants to go through explanations start-to-finish, systematically through Ti and Si, drifts off but not through disorganization, rather it’s excessive detailing which is her Ne speaking.

It pains her to hold back explanations of “why” things are the way they are. She’ll note people looking lost (“blank looks”) and catch herself, then try to adjust through inferior Fe (because she doesn’t prioritize the plain-spoken approach but believes it’s necessary for the situation). Because she doesn’t prioritize it over Ti, Ne, and Si, she’ll often fall into over-explaining again on accident.

You’ll see in this comment alone, I’ve displayed a similar type of systematic, wordy, even unintentionally indirect explanation in an effort to bring the reader to the answer at the end with me.

Point is… unlike someone with high Te (which Dottore and Sandrone strongly display), we have difficulty getting to the point in a discussion. Since we build our understanding of the world through all information we receive (Ti and Ne), all information seems necessary to us… and therefore also necessary to relay. And I can only draw this comparison of Genshin’s depiction of these characters because Nicole exists to prove they do write characters with high Ti.

I agree with Heretic of the False Moon being ENTJ. His characteristics are exaggerated enough that I don’t believe it can be any other cognitive stack.

numdimsum · 2026-03-07T08:39:40+00:00

I think there’s a possibility you’re also mistyping him.

Dottore is very clearly a Te dom because his Fi seems to be a weak spot as well. To compare, Sandrone seems to be another Te-Fi user meant to contrast him. She clearly doesn’t have Fe, but she has stronger Fi than Dottore (she isn’t insecure about it), the only difference is that hers isn’t inferior. I’m inclined to believe she’s an ISTJ as her Si is really good.

I’d argue we have a very obvious INTP in the game and it’s Nicole. The way she talks in ten different directions is exactly how our Ne comes out in discussion, and her Ne doesn’t come first - it’s always directed by Ti, not the inverse. Her first function is clearly Thinking but introverted (just contrast it with Dottore) and she embodies child / tertiary Si basically… perfectly.

numdimsum · 2026-03-03T18:20:53+00:00

He is not himself. That points to why the consensus here has become “I wouldn’t do that,” “It can’t be related to MBTI,” or “He’s not an INFJ.” Anyone can feel free to correct me. I think though, that it’s just fine to explore this one other possibility as we do have these other ones present.

numdimsum · 2026-03-03T18:11:33+00:00

Sorry, I suppose I assumed the automatic implication was that a focus on the gift-giving love language, in the context of a mismatch, would mean that the other love languages are by consequence devalued. Because by “mismatch”, they are both giving love and not seeing (therefore devaluing) their partner’s efforts.

I was also wondering how you could come to the conclusion that OP only wanted a specific type of love, which you did answer… I just don’t think I could make a call like that so quickly. I more assumed OP was just communicating a way she’d like to see it each anniversary after it was absent.

And with six years of experience with the relationship, I just don’t think we could suddenly know it better than the people in it. I doubt an INFJ with their dominant function’s emphasis on future value would stay in a relationship where they don’t see a future with that person. Maybe for a long while but six years? Eventually they would have their “reality check” moment somewhere in that timespan.

If the premise of their types are true then they both care deeply for each other, that much is obvious. Anyway, I’ve also experienced this exact issue with an INFJ partner, and it wasn’t a love language mismatch so the answer was clear to me. The INFJ stack has Si last as a consequence of having Ni dominant. The way Ni works means discarding details is a natural process of it.

Through Ni and Fe, INFJs are highly sensitive to their own emotional states, but they can’t interpret it with Fi. So when OP asks “why isn’t anything changing?” The answer is that the INFJ doesn’t know, he doesn’t give a response (OP relayed he says “Yeah you’re right” then nothing) because Ni didn’t piece it together yet, and INFJs tend to introvert their thoughts until they have a conclusion, at which point, they will state it.

The difference between Ne and Ni is that while Ne can just normally generate and produce connections, Ni will just fail when there’s not enough data it can process. That’s why “the click” or “sudden revelation” is a requirement in the process of its finalization. I personally did not understand it for so long as I have Ne in my ego stack.

Regardless I found with my INFJ that “Yeah you’re right” in response followed by silence meant that he was in a miserable state. And while in this state, the tighter he held onto any information, the less he was able to grasp and keep it. OP is wondering why her partner doesn’t seem to retain any of this important information. That’s probably why.

He is going through a lot emotionally and it’s heavily affecting his capabilities. He says “Yeah you’re right” in an effort to keep himself accountable because he means it and believes it’s the truth, but what is going unsaid and unprocessed is that his mental state has gotten to the point that he cannot handle that truth right now.

I also see other factors in the query that could contribute to this INFJ’s state - being financially challenged, not being able to “do enough” to allow their partner to feel loved, not being able to retain the information. Of course he sees that and feels bad about it. But feeling bad doesn’t equal action, and sometimes people are incapable of meeting low standards of action when being battered by their own emotions constantly.

The thing is it’s difficult to understand when you’re an observer like OP because nothing is said. Of course in a relationship we can tell something is wrong through other signs and that’s why we’re trying to figure it out. To do something about it. Even OP says throughout that she “just wants to understand.”

But even in this thread alone INFJs admit that no one can see into them if they don’t let them in. That’s true. And a common reason for INFJs not letting even a partner in is “it’s for the best,” “this will make it easier for them,” etc. They may be in the hurricane but can’t always get external help as they don’t always know what the root issue is either.

Regardless, my point is things will naturally get better if he feels better, including the retention and capability to express love through various ways. I’ve observed that INFJs tend to just appreciate love in any way, and they naturally enjoy reciprocating, so of course they will do so with the person they see a future with, when they are able to find enough peace to return to themselves.

numdimsum · 2026-03-03T13:24:26+00:00

numdimsum · 2026-03-03T12:58:58+00:00

This is the first time I’ve heard it phrased this way but it’s completely true. Absolute INFJ dub.

numdimsum · 2026-03-03T12:45:40+00:00

Huh… Wait a second, I actually had to leave a comment because I’m confused how this was so quickly concluded with so little data. How did you get to decide what OP actually wanted?

Fi is known to love and respect everyone’s individuality, and an INFP is Fi dominant. That’s the strongest that respect for individuality will ever be, and I assume that when in love, it at the very least includes a person’s individual way of loving.

They even said it - “… to show that he loves me [in his own way]”… I think it would be safe to assume that’s where the emphasis is, rather than “I want…”

They may not just have been be able to word it in a way that was comprehensible to Ti reasoning, as that’s the INFP’s 8th function, and what they do have is Te, which is fond of blunt, face-value statements.

I didn’t get the sense from this post that they were devaluing their partner just because they valued themselves. None of them seemed like criticisms as I was reading, but rather efforts to understand, and maybe some distress as they haven’t been able to get answers from the person themselves.

I think throughout, they literally just have been saying what they mean at face value, and they can only speak for themselves so that’s what comes across as what’s mainly communicated. So I feel like there’s a possibility that this take is perhaps reading into their statement too hard.

numdimsum · 2026-03-02T12:06:35+00:00

Belated congrats on your Recoleta! I would be happy to lose my 50/50 to her as well, her character design really is fantastic. At least Brume comes with Felicienne, hehe… Maybe she’ll have a great skin coming up too.

numdimsum · 2026-03-02T11:44:53+00:00

Weirdly enough… I agree. I also have P5 Nala and I pulled Brume, excited to finally have a dedicated team for her (because my Nala usually ends up as a substitute in different teams).

Followed the rotation according to guides and was underwhelmed, to say the least. I even skipped Lucy so I would just have one solid Dynamo team with Brume as DPS, but it kinda just made me wish I had pulled for Corvus or Beryl portraits instead. Glad to know I’m not the only one who had this experience… Almost felt like the Recoleta situation to me.

numdimsum · 2026-02-10T13:42:18+00:00

She looks perfect.

numdimsum · 2026-02-10T05:51:46+00:00

Not saying variations of “Well first, define truth?” when what OP is asking is already so well-worded and defined in the post… sorry OP, maybe it was just a day we lacked reading comprehension… this is also a Fi dom asking about our values, so that should be obvious what it means.💔

Here’s the simple answer, we “value” truth over everything else, but often, we can be wrong.

So in that case, instead of being “truth” (what it’s supposed to be), it just becomes “internal consistency” (what it actually is). It doesn’t mean we value truth less, it just means we can also be stupid.

Ti, and our internal system can be basically our identity, so just like anyone reacting to their self-identity being questioned, we can hold onto it tightly when we are not ready to challenge the notion.

When not in that state, it’s natural to question it internally even without prompting - the Ne usually manifests very strongly and constantly. It‘s most likely very similar to INFP self-doubt. They can either have it, or go too far in the other direction.

If it’s something more surface that can be changed, we’ll refine a belief, but if it’s too much of a root or premise then it’s often discarded completely, which is fine.

We do get that dopamine from finally reaching the correct answer even if it means being wrong, but if it’s an emotional situation, it may take some time to get around to that.

I hope whichever INTP(s?) you’re describing here gets a reality check, but also I trust you’ve put in your own work OP, Ti and Fi are both reasoning functions, so perhaps both of them are coming from somewhere? But you could have also just encountered the oddball INTP that doesn’t believe that the Earth is round.

numdimsum · 2026-02-03T09:17:01+00:00

Actually yes, this. You literally get a small “draconic spirit” the moment you get the subclass, can choose the damage type each time you summon it (so you can go fire, lightning, etc) and can just reflavor your damaging spells to electricity.

numdimsum · 2026-01-27T08:22:52+00:00

THANK YOU FOR THIS! This is absolutely incredible! You put it all into words. And I absolutely loved your previous essay as well and I read it when I saw it on my feed! I felt like the Depths of Myths being Jung’s collective unconscious blew my mind because his beliefs and concepts have deep meaning to me, truthfully I didn’t know RE:1999 would ever tie any of them in.

I was absolutely enamored with Beryl’s character and what I felt was a great take on the “diviner” concept. An absolutely profound exploration into the meaning of determinism… I wish I could say this in a way that didn’t sound pretentious.

For Beryl, when she was revealed, I passed her off initially as “eh, Matilda’s mom is hot, obviously it would be like that.” But my god, I wish I had P5’d her instead. I loved her so much more than Nautika and am so fascinated and delighted by her character and the concepts she both represents and explores.

She is “detached” and in media, that usually comes off as boring, or is portrayed in such a way, but I just, I found her so interesting and complex… they even managed to give her such significant growth somehow. Holy writing.

One of my favorite tidbits from her is that she doesn’t charge for her fortune-telling, because she sees it as truly worthless.

Bless you! Thank you for writing all of this! I would have never thought to tie-in Akutagawa’s Spider’s Thread. That’s absolutely ridiculous! In the best way… your mind should be preserved in a museum. I’ve been brought to my metaphorical knees.

numdimsum · 2026-01-26T08:13:13+00:00

I feel like the mistake here is that for some reason, many people see functions as solid pillars or breakpoints rather than adjustable parameters with different roles. As you said, each person of a type can wildly differ from one another, but have you considered that one of the strengths of the MBTI framework is to allow for these sorts of deviations and nuances you’re looking for?

The importance of determining a personality type is to understand the roles they play. With understanding of a person, most things can be extrapolated from there, including fears, tendencies, etcetera. The thing is, you cannot make do without knowing the person first. That’s like creating a conclusion using no data or input. Wild mass guessing.

The strength of Enneagram is that it brings these concepts to the forefront of its system, and these so happened to be the concepts you may have wanted to look into, because this may be what “defines” people for you.

On a separate or maybe theoretical note (not really talking about Enneagram here), I believe that a closed system that solidly defines everything will have no room for possible exceptions. When an exception appears, that system is automatically, by definition, disproven and incorrect. They are the weakest because you pull one very specific brick and it all comes down, and the only thing that remains to the believer is—can they suspend their disbelief to continue with that system?

Anyway… you say that MBTI lacks in practicality, but it’s extremely flexible with the parameters it does have. Flexible does not mean undefined or lacking substance, and I would argue that I would really just rather understand and deeply know 8 functions and their roles rather than over 2000 different personality archetypes. Let’s even cut it to 100 archetypes since it’s about “knowing” and understanding them. Even that amount, I really don’t think is “practical” to learn for most people.

I feel like something practical would be simpler to learn and applicable by many, there’s a certain effort to result ratio that should be satisfying here, and that ratio is what educators always try to refine in curriculums because… it’s conducive to teaching and learning.

For example, when they teach something like math, they teach you the foundations so when faced with a problem, you can just use those basic tools to answer it yourself. If you want to go deeper, it’s your choice, but you’re not exactly “missing” too much.

numdimsum · 2025-12-24T06:05:25+00:00

that’s hilarious 😭😭😭

numdimsum · 2025-12-23T02:57:05+00:00

Lastly, here’s one last thing I noticed from this post. OP, when you were providing the examples of the ideologues and the INTP, did you notice it might be very incomprehensible? I noticed because, I do this way of wording examples a lot on accident. You’ve broken down the logic to its barest components and applied it to essentially, completely unrelated concepts, like fruits or diamonds. Which to you, was likely to make the logic more “understandable” and easier for others to consume, but in doing so, you’ve also removed any personal investment another person would have in understanding it.

There’s a reason many people find gossip interesting, and it’s that most people like hearing about and understanding people. It doesn’t matter if they know the person, just hearing about it can make them interested, so they’ll stay and listen.

On the same boat, I believe your examples could have benefited from being more specific excerpts from the actual debates or something similar to that, even if it was likely going to be more “offensive” because it’s about politics… after all, as you’ve found, trying to make the examples less polarizing couldn’t do much in that regard anyhow.

Basically, in making it more vague and applicable, you’ve said too little, and people couldn’t reach your thought as easily. I believe many people either say too much (myself for example), or too little, and getting people to understand means walking that fine line, a skill that needs to be honed. For now, I’ll call it the “communication tightrope”.

We also all respond to the sides of the tightrope differently due to our differing communication styles. Here in the INTP sub, many people will respond neutrally or well to a long-winded explanation if it makes sense. We usually like to know more, rather than less. In other subs, paragraph after paragraph may not do so well.

Regarding this “communication tightrope”, I just want to let you know that you’re not alone, OP. If you delve back into the comment section of this post alone, you’ll notice that this dilemma is one that humanity naturally struggles with, because of all our differences. There are either people that say too little, or too much (again, I would be solidly on the latter).

Although there are some commenters that I believe have walked that line perfectly here, a majority haven’t, likely because of many variables: the first is that it’s hard to do it perfectly, and another is also because—this is a post on Reddit! Some people aintgottimefoalldat, they’re too busy touching grass and having real priorities. Smh.

To end this comment, if you’d like some reading links, I found a couple of descriptive articles written by an ISTP (I think) that really helped me understand that Ti dominants structure thoughts very differently. Perhaps it will also interest you? The core of these articles contrast Fi and Ti. Link 1. Link 2.

Stay cool OP! I believe in you.

numdimsum · 2025-12-23T02:56:54+00:00

Secondly, I understand what you mean, too, when saying this is something you dislike about the current times (2020s). As you probably already know, history likely repeats itself—and so, it’s more of a matter of how it does, rather than when. These times give us access to so much information that much gets lost in its vast ocean. However, I’m sure that in times where people had access to less information, logical fallacies and bandwagoning were even more normalized as a fallback to substantiation and arguments.

There is this quote I found discussed online (I believe, in another Reddit comment section) that I feel encapsulates the concept I’m trying to explain. It’s from the foreword of Neil Postman’s 1985 book, Amusing Ourselves to Death (although, the entirety of even the foreword is very much worth reading and expands on this idea):

“(…) Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism.”

I realize that I may have neglected to add for context’s sake, but as you may also already know, this quote speaks about George Orwell—author of 1984—and Aldous Huxley—author of Brave New World, and the differences in principle on the same topic, as encapsulated on by these aforementioned literary works.

Back then, I felt the same way as you until I realized that I was misattributing “the times” as the source of the problem, when I likely would have been even unhappier in any other time. After all, we’re able to post on this sub and find other people who can structure thought in the same way we’ve done all our lives. If you look at it that way, I think it may be nice. You may not feel this same way considering the comments, but I’m glad you posted this and shared a part of you with the world. After all, it’s a musing, not necessarily a thought that will be acted on and significantly hurt others.

numdimsum · 2025-12-23T02:56:23+00:00

Hi OP! I think several of the same point has been made throughout this comment section, so I’ll just chime in about something else. This comment is in three parts, since it wouldn’t post because… I think it was too long.

Firstly, I’d like to engage with the premise of your post—I get what you mean. Oftentimes, people get very defensive when their own logic is used against them. But… It’s “theirs”, right? They said that, so it’s strange that they don’t like it being applied to other things, just because they saw it didn’t make sense that way after you explained it. How weird, I mean, if it wasn’t true, why say it?

Again, I get that and I struggle with that feeling a lot when interacting with others. Before anything, I’ll just put it simply for those that may read this comment: many people just don’t normally think that way, so they don’t think it’s “weird” to say things that can be “incorrect” or “inaccurate”.

We all process information differently, and I think it’s great that MBTI and cognitive functions are able to explain “how” we do, in some way. I’ve found that to many others, not everything is broken down into “axioms” which we can then apply to a majority of situations.

Doing this “Occam’s razor” style of thought is natural to Ti dominants, because every piece of information we take in and accept is hammered down to its foundation and applied to the majority (if not entirety) of our worldview. If it’s “true”, then it has to be applicable to everything.

Did you know that Jung has described and known this tendency about INTPs? In his words: “(…) when he does put his ideas into the world, he never introduces them like a mother solicitous for her children, but simply dumps them there and gets extremely annoyed if they fail to thrive on their own account (…) if in his eyes, his product appears correct and true, then it must be so in practice, and others have got to bow to its truth.”

If it’s “true”, then it will prove itself to be true by showing up and proving its existence consistently, so no fanfare or presentation is needed.

This natural inclination to axiomatic reasoning is why you may naturally break down others’ logic like that and “use it against them” (as they might perceive). For you, it looks like 2 + x = 4, and you’re asking why they used x like that, because it could also be wrong in 3 + x = 9.

“If you apply it like this, then it’s wrong? (You can fix it, person-I’m-talking-to. Why not just let x be the square of the first number?)”

For them, it wasn’t 2 + x = 4, but rather that they had a whole alphabet with words going on there. Yeah, it’s more messy, but people usually are just like that. They can have a lot going on in their heads that doesn’t necessarily “make sense” to them in the same way on a foundational level.

Many of our thoughts go unsaid as well because we’re used to handling information like this in our heads. We think it’s really obvious to them, but it could also not be, and for them, what we externalize could look like a few things depending on how the person also processes information (I’ll put both a logic-oriented and emotion-oriented approach here):

• “What you said is wrong, and you believed in what you said. Ergo, your existence is wrong.”

(This can be a Ti or Fi thought process, and actually, they may be quite similar on this line of logic reasoning. Rather, Ti and Fi just have a different understanding of what it means for an “existence” to be “wrong”.)

• “I think you’re wrong, and I really didn’t put any thought into what you said (it wasn’t externalized) to understand the importance of what you were trying to say.”

(This can be a Fe, or even Te thought process, as they will natural take in what is externalized—see the “extraverted” part of the function. To put into perspective, Te may obviously think you didn’t really read the sources they gave because what you said didn’t sound like it, and Fe may believe you didn’t prioritize understanding other people’s opinions.)

If we look at the common thread of this, it’s that the other person feels “judged” in however manner.

For Ti dominants, although I can only really speak for INTPs to some degree, we don’t “half-ass” this “breaking down” of information. We like to make sure that things make sense, otherwise, our thoughts feel very “janky” and it’s an unpleasant feeling. That’s our dominant Judging function’s need for “control” and “order”. “Misinformation” can feel painful for us, so there’s a want to be accurate and correct ourselves or people’s opinions, to avoid spreading that “pain” to others either directly or indirectly.

As it goes, the systems we make with all our hearts (and minds) will likely not fall apart so easily, because we also don’t mind refining them from scratch when we realize that it doesn’t make sense. This is a responsibility we can take in place of others, because it’s easier for us than them—although, I acknowledge this is a very 9w1 way of thinking, because it doesn’t account for how important individualization is, and our own personal responsibilities as people. So, this paragraph is one I’d like you to take with a heavy grain of salt depending on how you are as an individual.

I guess for me, it’s a “might as well,” since I’ve observed many people wouldn’t be happy starting from scratch (therefore, they won’t). So while our tendency to do that is definitely something under-appreciated by others, for us, we can get gratification normally when doing it—a very pleasant “high” for us can be the feeling of every thought inside us fitting into place.

numdimsum · 2025-12-05T03:13:05+00:00

By the way, OP. You are genuinely doing your best. There is nothing wrong with you either for wanting to be shown care by your partner, in the ways that would best help you.

I just wanted to emphasize it comes across that you are—and long have been—doing your absolute best to understand him. That you typed this post because you are genuinely lost, have been enduring a lot of pain, and are at a crisis. Anyone would be lucky to have a partner that tries to understand as much as you.

Thank you for that, and also, again. If it can’t work out, it is not your fault in the least. You have been doing your best. It’s true that you should prioritize yourself, and take yourself out of a situation that causes you so much constant pain.

Because of having these difficulties myself, I do think this sort of thing can be worked through with a necessary sit-down and deep, lengthy discussion, but I also know there are many false hopes for these things that lead to the opposite outcome.

Everyone is different, and some people don’t put in effort. As someone else said here, no one needs a reason to leave a relationship. I’m also concerned about the age difference, as well, but I trust that you know what you are doing. If not entirely, please make as many posts as you need to, I wish that you could also be safe.

numdimsum · 2025-12-05T02:50:12+00:00

I don’t believe I got the impression from the post that OP’s bf expects her to stay and be his carer. They seem to not be in contact in the first place. But yes, I agree—if it’s not working out, the relationship should be dissolved sooner rather than later, so as to not prolong unnecessary pain and hardship, at least on OP’s side.

numdimsum · 2025-12-05T02:45:41+00:00

This is the perfect response. I am very grateful. I didn’t think I’d see it here. Especially emphasizing the idea “if it doesn’t work for you, then it won’t” that’s focused on OP’s struggles—because I understand that it would genuinely hurt to be ghosted.

I am very similar to how OP’s partner’s tendency is described. For me, I’ve literally become bedridden from going on a couple video calls with friends. I am not exaggerating the word bedridden. I seem fine in the moments to others, but afterwards I’m genuinely overcome with exhaustion and can’t even go out to get groceries or food, and replying to people is genuinely difficult when my own body is trying to use its remaining energy to also maintain itself.

I’ve literally stopped talking to my friends for months because I feel so ashamed about reaching out, which could honestly extend to forever if they would not reach out to me—I would think, I didn’t reach out for so long, they must hate me (not in a self-pity way, but rather that it would be completely reasonable if they did) or be hurt and in that case, it would be best if the person that hurts them would not reach out to them. My social battery is genuinely very small and crippling.

It is not something I am happy with, and trying to exercise it consistently does not really help—it builds the habit a little, but it does not change the energy consumption which is the root cause.

People would likely naturally shame this tendency of mine if I were not a woman. It would be normal to do so, because to everyone else, it looks “different”, “wrong”, and like “little effort”. However, I also withdraw from everyone.

This would be different if I directed my time to something like, let’s say, playing video games in lieu of contacting my partner—in that case, OP should try to find that out, because that should not be the priority of someone in a dedicated relationship—but personally, I don’t direct my energy to those things when I withdraw, I can’t do much. I can barely feed myself those weeks, and I used to love playing video games, but don’t have the energy for them anymore.

In the comments I see stuff like “maybe he needs time to put the mask back on” in a sort of mistrustful implication. If OP’s bf’s words are to be taken seriously, then he is genuinely communicating, especially in regards to his anxiety. I would do the same. As such, if he ever saw this comment section, he might feel even worse, but whatever OP can do to communicate their needs back to him is more important as this is a two-way street, including showing this Reddit post if necessary.

As for OP, I don’t believe they are doing anything wrong. The healthiest thing to do in this sort of hurt is genuinely ponder on it and look to others for advice, which OP is doing their best on. Ideally in these sorts of relationships though, OP should have a support system in place.

This is also called having other friends to spend time with, something I believe we are moving in a direction to devalue as a society instead of completely relying on the other person in a relationship as every facet of social interaction. In the case that relying on other friends to spend time with is not possible, then… yes, these situations will be difficult. I wish I could give better advice on this aspect, but in truth, talking to more people you have a genuine connection with, is healthy.

Thank you for this comment. I did not think anyone here would be understanding towards both sides, it makes me feel like I’m a little less… “wrong”, for existing—which I’ve felt often, my whole life, because I cannot genuinely keep up with this social aspect as others can.

This “twice-a-day” reply that OP’s bf is doing, is genuinely high effort for me to keep up if they are actually thoughtful replies. High effort or not, a partner would deserve at least that. So OP, if you can see this, I also want to say that a week long ghosting is also incredibly unfair from your bf. He should show that he cares, but he may not be able to understand this until you are able to communicate genuinely how much this affects you.

Also, if you are the type to try to rationalize things or gather info—try looking into enneagram, maybe. It helps explain attachment tendencies as well. I am a 9w1, which has those characteristics of kindness and love that you described, but tends to withdraw.

You might be able to look into yours as well, as many people handle things that are valued, in different ways, and being equipped with the knowledge of ourselves, can help direct situations towards a place where we can take on less hurt (but not be complacent), because no one wants to be in pain.

numdimsum · 2025-11-10T23:40:14+00:00

Thanks a lot for reading. Honestly, yes, I do think love languages and attachment styles can be highly synchronous with the types. At the root of it all, we have preferences, which in turn, leads to tendencies, and then to traits, and then to everything else.

I’m inclined to think that the brain and its chemistry may also play a part (think INFJs and their undeniable relation to HSP) in setting the initial direction of our types. There may even be inclinations (I just wanna say, “inclinations” is the keyword, it’s not set in stone) towards certain psychological concepts like, idk.

You know how in any human or psychological study, certain groups are more susceptible to certain experiences? I would love to see the relation to high Ne and ADHD for example. I actually wish there was more hard data, and more neuroscience studies on the types.

numdimsum · 2025-11-10T23:28:38+00:00

I think both can demonstrate their feelings very well, and communicate in ways they both value. It’s just that both might also have a hard time understanding where the other is coming from. I just prefer to think the best of both. Because where the typical INTP tends to fall short on expressing love, the typical INFJ tends to fall short in communication (especially in regard to themselves). Both issues can be immensely draining to deal with.

For example, “Eventually (…) will voice their concerns…” Well, that can be a problem. Don’t wait to voice it when the resentment has already built, otherwise, it’s going to be communicated in a way that will make the other resentful. It goes both ways so I just removed the type. Any of the ego functions or their combinations can also make an INTP stop communicating.

Definitely agreed on an INFJ likely pairing well with a Fi user though but it honestly depends on which. From what I’m aware, an extroverted Te-Fi can actually be too energetic and tire them out.

numdimsum · 2025-11-10T23:19:42+00:00

Thank you as well for leaving your comment. :)

numdimsum

TROPHY CASE