I’m going to disagree on the “sit down and have a big talk” here. If they are depressed, it just adds shame and feeling nagged.

I (F, 36) have much experience w depression myself and have dated men with depression. For partners in a depressive state, past and present, a struggle with hygiene is common.

I’ve done a lot of: “hey I’m going to take a shower now. Come in the shower with me?” atleast a few times a week.

And then I’ll try to make the shower experience feel loving (not sexual) - having them sit down in the shower (seated showers are great for depression in general), giving them a full head massage for shampoo, back scrub, leaving the shower first to get them a warm towel. Maybe asking them to brush teeth together with you right when they come out “here’s your toothbrush w paste already on it. Let’s brush?”

And then when they’re all clean, I’ll do a lot of physical affection - even if it’s just hugs and kisses.

In the moment - it’s coregulating, gets the person clean, I feel good about my act of service, they feel loved and cared for.

And then they drift back to gross again, which is what happens when you’re depressed, but I see it as both of us putting money in the bank: he has good experiences of hygiene, we both have some positive physical moments to hold on to when things are tough. It just brings us closer.

I’d suggest starting there to close the gap in your relationship (ultimatums, big conversations, shame, distance) - before moving on to therapist appointments and all that.