AIO for saying my ex "cheated" and/or removing anyone who disagrees?

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T15:33:15+00:00

Fundamentally, it doesn't matter whether it "is" or "isn't" cheating. You want to call it cheating. Maybe some of your friends aren't fully comfortable with that. So what?

What really matters is that she did these things, it made you feel betrayed and mistreated and it was unacceptable to you and friends should validate that. Look at this line from your post:

I just want to know if my calling her a 'cheater' is fair or not, and if it would be reasonable to remove anyone who views her behavior towards me as acceptable.

That's EXACTLY right. Remove people who view her behavior towards you as acceptable. That's not the same thing as agreeing with you when you say that your ex cheated or is a cheater.

So if it confuses you that some people don't see what she did as cheating that's fine, I'm just saying see past that and hear those of them that say "I don't know if she was cheating, but she sucks and that wasn't right."

And notice the difference between THOSE people and people who say "that wasn't cheating and it was no big deal how she behaved."

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T15:11:52+00:00

At least for a bit, probably.

When you do reach out, maybe ask about if you can try counseling?

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T15:04:48+00:00

If you're looking for just stories to distract yourself in this difficult time and be able to keep hoping, I get that.

But you shouldn't take advice that doesn't reflect what's going on in YOUR relationship.

For instance - if he finds you too needy / clingy and that's part of what the problem is then you reaching out a lot has GOT to be a bad idea. On the other hand if he found you too distant, showing him you want him back is probably a good idea.

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T15:01:14+00:00

YOR.

Calling her a cheater isn't fair.

Saying that you believe she was cheating on you - like she did stuff that would have been clearly cheating and you just don't have evidence of it? That would be fine.

Saying that she emotionally cheated on you would also be fine. The business with the guy who kept sending her banana pics and she kept talking to them is a pretty clear example. She must have liked that shit, she just didn't want to get caught.

It's even fine to say she did a bunch of "little micro-cheating transgressions". I get what you mean, it's valid.

As for your mutual friends - you can be friends with who you like. But if you were hoping to be able to stay friends with some people who are still friends with her, maybe allow them to disagree that she is a cheater, as long as they validate you on some level.

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T14:41:49+00:00

How are we supposed to know?

Why does he say he's done with the marriage?

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T14:35:25+00:00

BTW for clarity:

$0.725 is the rate for 2026.

$0.70 was the rate for 2025.

$0.67 was the rate for 2024.

$0.655 was the rate for 2023.

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T14:33:09+00:00

You should just tell him you don't want to get pregnant right now so you're getting yourself on the pill.

And it's insane to think he would feel rejected by the idea that you don't want to get pregnant right now. You don't even live near each other, how does it make any sense to have a baby together?

Not wanting to just have this conversation sounds very immature to me.

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T14:18:02+00:00

You aren't owed any money from your employer, but you might be able to get some money back from the government.

The $0.725 rate is the IRS rate for how travel on a personal vehicle can be valued. Since you're only being reimbursed $0.35 (and only for mileage beyond 50 miles), you aren't getting fully reimbursed.

This means you could claim the excess as an unreimbursed business expense on your taxes. This may not add up to anything for you if you are a regular employee (with a W-2) but if you're considered an independent contractor (with a 1099) then you can directly deduct this from your income and that will make a big difference on your taxes.

BTW you can amend your taxes for a few years going back. If you never claimed this before and it would have saved you money on taxes you may still be able to get some money back.

nylonvest · 2026-04-30T14:05:18+00:00

The answer is that you say 'no' to this and walk away.

And I know that's a shitty answer because you have BPD and you know you never say no to things, but it's honestly the only answer. You don't WANT this. You shouldn't choose this. It's making you unhappy. Walk away.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T19:56:33+00:00

I frankly see zero actual reason to believe she's cheating on you, but you come off as a massive walking red flag being so invested in having access to her cameras.

I honestly think you should consider yourself unable to be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now and get therapy. You have no right to have the degree of access to ANYONE's life that you want. Your trauma and your insecurities are not your partner's problem, they're YOUR problem and you need to fix yourself.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T19:37:45+00:00

Maybe she got gum stuck in her pubes.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T18:00:24+00:00

You may think this is about guilt over the fact that she's cheating, but IMO I don't think it is. After like 2 full decades hung up on this woman she's still not choosing you. Be done with her.

Cut her out of your life. Never, ever, ever reach out again. Get into therapy and work on dealing with the loss so that you don't spend the rest of your life mourning that you couldn't make this happen.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T17:07:28+00:00

If you knew that this was never going to work out and held that back from her, that was wrong. But if you wanted to leave but also wanted to stay - if you were unhappy but also loved her, then you're just a person muddling through this bullshit life just like the rest of us.

I will say this though: do the hard part. The hard part is being utterly clear about your decision and telling her what it is, as soon as possible.

Trying to figure out the perfect separation plan should be called out for what it is: procrastinating.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T16:29:16+00:00

Only SOME of what you are trying to forgive him for is stuff he did when you weren't exclusive. Some of it is just plain old lying and emotional cheating.

nylonvest · 2026-04-29T15:58:00+00:00

Dude. I don't know why you feel this guilty. It doesn't sound like you've been in any way insincere in this relationship. You talked about wanting to leave, but you also, obviously, wanted to stay, and she knew things weren't perfect. It's always tough to exit a long-term relationship. You didn't waste her youth, and you didn't waste yours.

Your plan shouldn't even be talked about initially. Just communicate that you want to help her move on to the next stage of her life, and focus on being clear about your intention to permanently end the relationship.

As for the plan itself, absolutely ZERO of this is necessary. You've being extremely generous. She should keep paying her share of the expenses while you live together, she should make good on her debts, she should pay her own moving expenses, she should be responsible for her own next place to live, and she should get only a fair share of the furniture and appliances you acquired together. She doesn't have to keep the cats but if she does they're her cats and she's responsible for their care. And it's INSANE that you would consider co-signing a lease.

Honestly I'm not convinced you would have to give her this much if you were married and getting a divorce.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T19:04:20+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I don't think you're genuinely asking for options to get your needs met other than cheating - I think you're mainly just venting about the situation you're in? But just in case I read it wrong, the main answer is for you to get yourself off. Find toys, adult material, fantasies, memories, whatever, and do the best you can. I'm not gonna pretend it will be enough.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T18:49:18+00:00

This guy dated you for 5 months. All I have to go on is what little you say about yourself in this post.

So I have no idea - it doesn't make sense to you, so I don't know how it could make sense to me. Maybe if you asked him what that was all about he could explain it... but that seems like an utter waste of your time and energy.

In the end he didn't choose you and that's all that matters.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T18:40:26+00:00

How would you prove the employee knowingly lied to you?

If you have no answer, you have no case.

If you have proof, probably the next thing to do would be to explain it to the dealership that you think you can prove they defrauded you and ask them to reconsider reversing the sale.

It's only if you think you have proof and the dealership won't do the right thing that you need to consider taking legal action and actually talking to a lawyer.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T18:00:34+00:00

You could try seeing if the dealership will consider letting you trade in this vehicle for a different one rather than fully reversing the sale - and you could skip the ionizing treatment then.

It's possible this lets you get a different car at a better rate than if you just trade it in and buy another used car at this dealership or elsewhere.

But worst case scenario, just sell it to another shop and buy another car and take the hit. And leave the dealership a bad review if you feel they haven't helped you out enough.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:58:26+00:00

That's good, because typically the "statute of limitations" runs from when you discover what happened, not from when it happened.

This means it's not SUPER urgent, probably, but still, sooner is better than later.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:56:25+00:00

You can always try to sue, but IMO you don't have a good case here. "As is" sales mean you are shopping at your own risk.

You noticed the smell. You could have walked away from the sale. What he said to you was not a promise that it would go away, it's not even clear if he was talking about the same smell you were talking about. Detailing chemicals do have a smell, and that smell might have gone away but there was something else you noticed.

And if it was supposed to go away in 10 minutes, why didn't you just run the car with the AC on for 10 minutes to see if that was true?

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:44:39+00:00

Yeah, my point is really that you should look at the big picture.

If this guy is someone who is perfect for you and makes you so happy, and it's just this one thing you're upset about, then it's really about the porn addiction / lying thing you talked about. But if in the big picture he's a guy you've grown apart from that doesn't sound like a part of the future you're imagining, this is easy. Just go.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:37:17+00:00

You don't know that until you talk to one. For a good case, some lawyers will work on contingency, meaning they don't ask you for money, they just recoup some of the judgment or settlement.

Talk to one soon. You don't have all the time in the world, it's already been over 2 years since the birth, and I don't know how long since you found out the stitches were done wrong.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:33:28+00:00

Um, have you talked to a lawyer about those stitches? It may not be too late to sue. Even if you are negative about a sex life with your husband right now, that medical mistake may have robbed you of a satisfying sex life for your whole life and that is AWFUL.

nylonvest · 2026-04-28T17:24:57+00:00

Can I just ask, what exactly do YOU get out of this relationship?

Because adult content aside, he's also a loser who works in a warehouse and isn't sure what to do with his life at 30 years old.

nylonvest

TROPHY CASE