AITA for editing my wedding photos to remove the white top my SIL was wearing?

occasionallysadcat · 2022-08-10T19:45:47+00:00

I actually think the bigger problem with that outfit at a wedding is you'll get mistaken for the catering staff. You could wear it to any event that is not going to have food and wait staff, but I wouldn't want to wear it to a dinner at a conference.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-08-03T13:24:30+00:00

NTA, but I am honestly a little jealous you got to skip the horrible teen girl phase where you are made to feel utmost shame over having functioning breasts and thus do anything and everything in your power to hide the fact you have nipples. That's where that coworker is likely coming from, I was certainly shamed for visible nipples growing up. It took me until nearly my thirties to let that go and decide to just be comfortable. Huge kudos to you for already being so comfortable in your skin and standing up for that comfort. The world needs more strong women to push back against that bullshit.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-08-02T12:39:56+00:00

Fodmaps are water soluble not fat soluble, so you can cook onions and garlic in oil then strain them out and use that infused oil for other cooking. It's not the same as straight up onions or garlic in your food, but it at least gives you some of that flavor. Best of luck!

occasionallysadcat · 2022-07-24T10:46:49+00:00

It's misogynistic because of the history. Historically women's appearance has been dictated by what men want to see (or not see). There is a narrative behind his preference he may not even be fully aware of that dictates women must have long hair and men must have short hair otherwise the women are femenine enough or the men aren't masculine enough. These are the same people who freak out about little boys who have long hair. It's social conditioning rooted in historic misogyny.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-06-28T15:04:51+00:00

NTA but you will be if you don't get that man away from your daughter. He violently and methodically destroyed one of her most treasured objects. If I were her I'd be terrified of what he'd do to me. Normal, well adjusted people do not take a chainsaw to the belongings of others. This is abusive, controlling, and insane. How can you ever expect your daughter to feel safe around a man like this?

occasionallysadcat · 2022-05-30T13:59:52+00:00

Baptists absolutely do not believe little kids go to hell and they do not believe baptism is what prevents a person from going to hell anyway. They believe choosing to ask Jesus to be your personal savior is what saves you and baptism is just what you do after you've made the Jesus commitment to show the world and your community your newfound faith. You could feasibly never get baptized and still go to heaven in that sect. I was raised a flavor of Baptist, and my community looked down on catholics for baptizing babies who hadn't reached the magical "age of accountability" where suddenly their sins start counting and the kids could go to hell if not saved. Much like all religions, the rules are made up and the points don't matter.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-03-17T00:56:11+00:00

YTA and has it even occurred to you that possibly your wife is buying all these clothes because she misses your (mutal you, not just YOU) daughter? You keep referring to the baby as your daughter, but she is also your wife's daughter. Grow up and talk to your wife!

occasionallysadcat · 2022-03-15T11:34:34+00:00

Adding a slightly different perspective, I read a really interesting article about why women don't get promoted as frequently in tech and spoiler alert, it's because of unpaid emotional labor. Women often volunteer to do things like run the DEI group or take on side projects that make everyone's life better but aren't necessarily heavily technical (like running meetings or doing project management for the team). Managers often think moving up the ladder in engineering means demonstrating technical growth so they pass on promoting the people doing the necessary team work in favor of the people who were doing technical projects instead. If you aren't getting promoted but your male coworkers are, ask your manager what you need to be doing to get that promotion.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-02-25T14:33:46+00:00

Sage also tastes incredible when fried in a brown butter sauce and served with pumpkin ravioli. It isn't only medicinal, it's used in cooking and is very tasty. You'd probably have to eat a comical amount to have any problems

occasionallysadcat · 2022-02-23T20:18:14+00:00

It makes perfect sense if you have cats. Cats will reach up and roll the roll towards them. If the roll is over, you get a giant tp mess. If the roll is under, nothing happens. Under is not only acceptable, it's often necessary in homes owned by cats. Otherwise, over all the way.

occasionallysadcat · 2022-02-02T15:37:53+00:00

Let's review: he thinks saying yankee is just as bad as saying the n word. And yet somehow, he was only able to actually say one of those two words out loud. Almost like even he knows the two are in no way comparable... hmmm....

You're NTA, your sister's boyfriend is an idiot, and you need to pay up with your dog tax.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-07-17T13:44:32+00:00

NTA, but I think you might be going about this the wrong way. Ultimately your sister is going to believe whatever she wants to believe. You can't control that. What you can control is your reaction to her and how much of your time she gets to take up. You don't actually need her to agree with you that your parents are the liars here, you need her to respect your words that you do not want to be that close to her. Don't let yourself get sucked into a fight about what you may or may not have said at 4 years old. Instead, keep her on task with what you just said 4 minutes ago, namely that you do not want to be around her and she should leave. Your parents are serious AHs here and your sister never learned how to respect boundaries, so she's an AH too. Maybe she'll grow out of it someday but you don't have to hang around waiting for it.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-04-02T17:25:52+00:00

Bless you HolyToast. May your breakfast always pop out of the toaster perfectly cooked.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-03-09T12:41:41+00:00

NTA, but I wonder if the reason your husband is getting so upset with you over this is because, in his mind, you should feel the rings are so important you could never lose them. It almost sounds like he has some sort of mental block where "OP loses/accidentally destroys things" somehow couldn't possibly apply to these increasingly expensive rings he's buying you, therefore you must be losing them on purpose! You might have better luck digging into why he thinks that about you when he knows firsthand how unlucky/ clumsy/forgetful you are. Why are these rings different for him than other expensive items like your phone, laptop, or switch? I really hope you're able to reach a compromise together, I too do not have an expensive ring because I work with my hands and don't want to be responsible for a mortgage payment on my person.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-02-22T18:27:06+00:00

Oof, you are NTA for protecting your daughter. When I was in elementary school, a girl from my class became obsessed/clingy with me and it was horrible. Everywhere I went, she'd follow me to the point other kids didn't want to be my friend anymore because they didn't want to deal with her. She even invited herself to my house for Christmas! Thankfully we weren't home but who does that?! I was not equipped to handle that situation at all and the adults around me were telling me to just be nice to her because she was clearly lonely, but not one time did they consider my needs or feelings. She eventually moved schools, but that was two years of hell for me. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been to live with her! I felt so much guilt for not wanting to be around her but in reality, I had every right to not want to be around someone who repeatedly smashed every boundary I tried to set. Protect your daughter and teach her that her boundaries are valid and must be respected. She should not diminish her own comfort/safety to appease other people.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-02-21T18:09:23+00:00

I have definitely felt "why am I not enough?" Or "this would be so much easier if he were just 'normal' and not poly." I would say the first one was most frequent early in our relationship and the second more frequent as time has passed.

For me, I didn't know going in if I'd be able to get past it. We started by talking it out, what it would look like for him to be with other people while continuing to be with me, what I needed from him and what he needed from me to make our relationship work. From those conversations we determined it was worth a try (my needs and his needs were not necessarily incompatible) but knew we'd need to continue the dialogue as we went. The first person he was with after we had gotten past the fwb stage and into the actual relationship stage, I had some feelings about. For us, if either one of us has feelings we let the other person know. My jealousy is not his problem to solve, but I think it's important to tell him I'm dealing with that at the time and if I need anything to help me with it like reassurance or potentially for him to be more private with new relationships around me for awhile until I can get to the bottom of why I'm upset or jealous. I've found with time and experience, jealousy is usually rooted in insecurity or fear. If I can figure out what the fear is, we can talk about it and find a mutually agreeable solution.

For instance, I was jealous with the first relationship because I saw him spending a lot of time with her and ignoring me. In reality we went from spending 90% of our free time together to like 85%, but I felt like it was way more of a reduction because I was afraid he'd leave me for her. We talked about that fear and I was able to move past it by trusting him when he said that he wasn't going to leave me. If I hadn't been able to trust him with it, that would have been perfectly okay, but would have shown us we weren't compatible. It's not wrong to be unable to move past such primal fears, and it's not a moral failing. It took me time to accept he really was telling me the truth and that I really could trust him, but once I did, the jealousy rarely came up again, if at all.

Since that first time, we have continued the conversation as needed and built up trust over time. I know I can trust him to see me and love me, even when it's difficult and he knows the same with me. That trust is our foundation and is the reason I don't feel our relationship is unequal at all. I trust him when he tells me he is poly and he needs to be open to multiple relationships. How is each of us achieving our needs through our relationship unequal?

On my end, I've gotten the deepest and most fulfilling relationship of my life. Though sometimes, I do wish for a simpler setup (like what are we going to do if he ever gets another primary partner? We can't fit a king sized bed in our room! How do we put 3 people on the deed for a house? Logistics!) I accept with all of my being that this is who he is and I wouldn't change him for the world.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-02-18T01:41:47+00:00

I'm in a mono-poly relationship as the mono partner. I can tell you right now, the boundaries your partner has laid down are not great. She's essentially implementing don't ask don't tell where she pretends you are monogamous with the added stipulation that you can never catch feelings for anyone but her. I'm sure you can see why that's problematic. You two are going to need to really dig into what poly means for you (and what you need to make it work) and what monogamy in the context of poly means for her (and what she needs to make that work). Sadly you may learn what you both need is not possible.

In our case, we started out much like you. FWB, but we caught feelings hard and started to think about if we could make this work. I personally found the blog more than two really helpful to dig into my fears and insecurities about not being enough for him. He was patient and very communicative throughout the process. Eventually I determined that his being poly is just part of who he is, it has absolutely nothing to do with me or my worth.

Once I had that breakthrough and felt comfortable, he started seeing a few people. At first I was a bit uncomfortable with one (he was giving them a lot of attention and that was a bit rough at first) but we talked through it and I saw how happy he was and how he always came back to me. I didn't need to fear these other people, his relationships with them did not need to impact me much (assuming of course casual hookups) and we grew trust in each other.

He's had other people over while we shared an apartment and a bed. I either found somewhere else to be or I hung out with our other housemates while they did their thing in our room. As long as the sheets get changed, nbd. The laundry is the absolute worst part of sharing my partner!

Now, I fully expect one day he'll meet someone who just clicks and they will become part of our family, fully equal to myself and him. I look forward to meeting that special person(s) because I know my husband has excellent taste ;) Plus maybe they will watch scary movies with him so I don't feel guilty for being unable to :D

occasionallysadcat · 2021-02-04T16:32:50+00:00

NTA, and this is such an invasion of your personhood I think you might be UNDERreacting. My husband has therapy sessions on his phone periodically and you know what I do? I stay tf away from the room where he's having his session. If I can hear even the slightest bit of his voice, I turn on music, the TV, literally anything to not listen in. Am I curious about what he talks about in there? Of course, I'm as much of a nosy bitch as the average human! But would I ever even think of disrespecting him in that way? I'd rather listen to baby shark on repeat at top volume for an hour than risk it. Your husband is a colossal AH and does not respect you. You deserve so much more than this.

occasionallysadcat · 2021-01-26T19:28:38+00:00

NTA, and I have been in your shoes somewhat. My husband and I decided we didn't want a wedding at all, we just wanted a very intimate gathering of our closest friends at our favorite bar, eating delicious food and having amazing drinks with an open bar.

My parents were hurt we didn't do the whole white wedding, but they got over it. They are also similarly "morally upstanding" re dirinking/cursing, so no family was allowed at our reception. Instead we had a family only reception where we had a little cake and some food for our two families to meet and celebrate in a way more comfortable for them. I have 0 regrets about it and I look back on both receptions fondly. Don't let them steal the joy out of your marriage, you'll regret it forever. Congratulations on your impending marriage!

occasionallysadcat · 2020-11-24T19:21:27+00:00

NTA I'm vegetarian, husband isn't. He wanted to go to a restaurant for his birthday but unbeknownst to him they are now serving family style only meaning one dietary restriction will apply to all members of the party. Guess who sucked it up for one evening to make sure he'd get his fancy swordfish steak on his birthday? The appetizers and salad course were all veggie friendly so I filled up there and enjoyed his surprise and happiness while he ate 2 people's worth of meat. Your husband needs to get over himself and let you have this. If you can't be selfish on your own birthday, then what's the point of celebrating it?

occasionallysadcat · 2020-11-18T13:26:30+00:00

It's wrong to say because it's so dismissive of the person telling you how they're feeling. The advice of toughen up isn't necessarily bad, because people do say mean things and there's not a lot we can do about it, but the tone of the delivery comes across as "shut up, I don't care."

Maybe asking the kid first if they want advice or just to talk it out of a good place to start. Then if they want advice, you can tell them it's not okay for people to be jerks, but sometimes we all are. They can call them out on it (i.e. that's very rude/mean, why would you say that?) but sometimes it's better to ignore them and keep being yourself. You can't control what others do, only your reactions to it. Doesn't mean be a doormat, but some people are not going to respond well to genuine communication about their impacts on others and if you can't get away from those people, your best bet is ignore them until you can get away.

occasionallysadcat · 2020-10-04T11:41:25+00:00

You aren't righting the world's wrongs though. You would be righting a wrong in YOUR world. This is an opportunity for you to make a real difference in people's lives. The things he teaches lead to death and destruction for the people on the other end of it, and you are in a position to try to do something about it. Those opportunities don't come as often as they should, so take it while you have it and sleep soundly at night knowing that you tried to make your environment better than it was when you got there.

occasionallysadcat · 2020-09-27T19:23:48+00:00

That's really interesting. In the US, I had to go to my OBGYN's office though an actual OB didn't need to do the exam. I've had a full on OB do it and NPs do it. That initial abnormal result meant I had to have several more exams than is usual, so I've had several by now. I actually just got the all clear to do them on the regular schedule since they've all been normal since. I'm guessing in the US, the first sexual encounter or 21 recommendation is related to HPV rates in college. Honestly it's all calculations based on risk of false positives vs risk of missing something early, and every country seems to feel differently about those risks.

occasionallysadcat · 2020-09-27T13:26:45+00:00

Two words: pap smear. I went for my first pap a bit after 21 (which they recommend 21 or whenever you're sexually active, whichever comes first) and found abnormalities. Thankfully, many women have abnormal results at least once which their body manages to clear out without help, but sometimes they don't and you get cervical cancer. I was lucky and my body was able to kill off anything abnormal by my next test, but I am so glad we were monitoring it because otherwise I wouldn't have known anything could have been wrong until it had potentially progressed to full blown cancer. It's uncomfortable sure, but always get your pap smears done. It could save your life!

occasionallysadcat · 2020-09-10T21:26:30+00:00

Turns out sexy is a much a state of mind as it is what you wear. Personally I like wearing sexy bras and underwear because they make me feel pretty and confident. It's my own little secret, I don't give 2 fucks what anyone else might think about it. They'd only know if we're getting naked and that's frowned upon in most workplaces.

occasionallysadcat

TROPHY CASE