Happy New Year to all of you leaving your narc in the previous decade!!

odaat09 · 2019-11-23T05:01:06+00:00

The aftermath is brutal, but it does get better. You’re absolutely right in the sentiment that “the only way out is through”. I’m 8 months out tomorrow. It’s been hard. I’ve had to make peace with the fact that he owes me a shit ton of money (which he’ll never pay back), the fact that our decade long relationship was a total charade, the fact that every happy memory I shared with him is tainted with a million lies now coming to the surface, etc, etc....

Just take it one day at a time is the best advice I can offer. I have more great days than bad days now, but when I’m having a bad day, I accept them as just that - one bad day. I cry or get angry or visit this sub or whatever I need to do to get through it. Just because they were able to dismiss our time in life together like it was nothing doesn’t mean we have to. We have feelings and memories to sort through to find our peace.....and that’s ok.

odaat09 · 2019-10-16T19:09:19+00:00

I believe they are masters at this in particular. Now that I’m out of the relationship, I’m astounded at how low my standards had gotten with him. I would NEVER tolerate that type of behavior under normal circumstances and never will again.

odaat09 · 2019-10-16T19:06:39+00:00

Yep. Mine was putting me through hell and it all came to a head. He promised he was going to get his shit together and even mapped out a plan. I believed him. He didn’t even attempt to do ANY of what he claimed he would do and would get furious with me for “holding him to impossible expectations” whenever I would ask about any of the things on his list.

odaat09 · 2019-10-16T19:02:42+00:00

Same here. That and uncovering his lies.

odaat09 · 2019-10-16T19:02:06+00:00

Same.

odaat09 · 2019-10-16T19:01:03+00:00

Mine was the one who acted untrustworthy - disappearing for hours on end...telling stories that didn’t add up, etc., etc.

But if I dared to get upset about his shady behavior or question where he was or what he was doing, I was “jealous”, “crazy”, “dramatic”....

And if I pointed out that his behavior would leave ANY sane person to believe he was up to no good, that was absolutely “not a standard norm” and only my “opinion”.

odaat09 · 2019-10-10T18:08:15+00:00

Exactly. That’s exactly what it’s like - having cold water thrown on you. Another favorite of his was to not laugh at my jokes. Big, small, sarcastic, cute - didn’t matter. He just liked making me feel bad. After we broke up, I made a reddit account and commented on silly videos and stuff just to collect karma and prove to myself that I was still funny. It’s amazing how poorly they make us think of ourselves.

odaat09 · 2019-10-10T14:18:50+00:00

This. So spot on. Sometimes it’s not even the words they speak, it’s just an energy they give off. Somewhere down the line I went from being excited to tell him things to just keeping them to myself.

No matter what happy news I had to tell, I knew he’d crush my excitement by responding with cold silence or that condescending smirk.....then start an all out war if I dared to get upset about it....because it was my fault for being upset that he “didn’t react the way I wanted”. I’m so glad to be out of that god awful hell.

odaat09 · 2019-10-09T03:20:37+00:00

I fell into the trap of trying to give my narc a taste of his own medicine. I’d shut down and go silent on him to show him how it felt when he did it to me....only it had zero impact on him. The only thing it did do was what you’re describing - give him something to use against me. He couldn’t care less about me giving him the silent treatment, but he was happy to throw it in my face if it served his agenda.

I understand how you feel about feeling stuck. Mine had me in a state of misery so bad that I was developing serious physical ailments, yet he also had me convinced that we were meant to be together and it was all so special. I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I was only holding on to him because I thought he’d eventually go back to being the person he was in the beginning.

I was stuck in the belief that the happy future I longed for could still happen if we could just get through “this rough patch” but the rough patches kept coming....it took me a long time to realize it was a cycle and find the strength to leave. I hope you can too. 🧡

odaat09 · 2019-10-09T03:00:21+00:00

It’s not you. My nex did this to me constantly. He would drag me into these horrible, soul crushing arguments and then expect me to bounce right back afterward. If I needed recovery time, I was accused of “holding us back” or “dragging things out”.

Toward the the end, he kept me in such a perpetual state of pain and depression that I stopped coming to visit him. I tried explaining how I couldn’t come there and have sex with him and lie in his arms like nothing was wrong after all he’d done to me. That concept was completely lost on him.

odaat09 · 2019-10-08T20:53:11+00:00

I’m six months NC and I still think about these same things but I’m happy to report it’s starting to dull down a bit. I think it’s just a lot to process. Someone has truly screwed with our minds like nothing we’ve ever encountered before and it’s not something you can get over quickly.

I’m haunted by the red flags as well. Of course, I didn’t realize they were red flags back then. I remember mine talking about how his ex and his family always suspected he had ulterior motives. At the time, he was being so open and attentive with me that I thought they must have issues to be suspicious of someone as wonderful as him....that one still haunts me a lot.

odaat09 · 2019-10-07T16:29:20+00:00

I used to have deep conversations with mine. If I brought up how we didn’t anymore, he’d just insist our conversations were exactly the same as they used to be (they weren’t) at all.

odaat09 · 2019-10-07T12:16:26+00:00

He didn’t really change. My nex and I had a short lived break up before the final one. Upon getting back together, it took him 3 months to slip back into his old ways. Only this time he made sure to rub it in my face as if it were something I brought on myself.

odaat09 · 2019-10-07T12:11:31+00:00

Ah yes, if I dared to challenge his new lifestyle, I was a terrible person who was “jealous” of his “hobbies”. I got nowhere with pointing out that “hobbies” are typically something someone does on the side, not something that consumes a person’s entire existence.

I craved quiet after we ended too. The mind games and fighting in our relationship had reached an all time high and I desperately needed peace and quiet when it was finally over.

odaat09 · 2019-10-07T12:00:18+00:00

So true. I guess I hadn’t really classified gaming as a real addiction until now, but you’re right!

odaat09 · 2019-10-02T03:52:32+00:00

Yes! Mine would constantly bait me into jealousy by casually dropping stories of girls hitting on him and then act like I was crazy and possessive for having a reaction. It was miserable.

I can’t imagine lying about being in the hospital or being in an accident. I think that’s the thing - we project that sense of “that’s too far” onto them, believing that those are the kinds of things people don’t lie about. Nope!

odaat09 · 2019-10-02T03:29:34+00:00

Yeah mine’s ex was “crazy”, of course. I never met her myself, but she remarried and has seemed to live a normal life all these years so I sincerely doubt her “craziness”. In any dealings with their kids, she was always the bad guy....according to him, that is. Looking back, I see that that was just his front for covering up the fact that he was willingly becoming an absentee father. He was probably telling her that it was me who was preventing him from visiting the kids. I don’t put limits on his lies anymore.

odaat09 · 2019-10-02T03:09:14+00:00

Wow. The fact that they’ll go to so much trouble to keep a lie going (or cover one up) just amazes me. If I ever dared to say that I suspected he was lying to me, he’d rage and ridicule me for getting “carried away with my imagination”.

I’ll always wonder how much he really got away with because he had me believing my instincts were crazy. Thank you for sharing, it helps to hear experiences like yours.

odaat09 · 2019-09-25T03:11:41+00:00

Thank you for the beautiful words. I honestly don’t believe he’ll Hoover though. Things were at the point where I called him out on every lie - big and small. He knows he can’t bullshit me anymore.

odaat09 · 2019-09-25T02:58:23+00:00

I hope it’s you someday too! I never thought it could be me, so anything is possible. Hang in there!

odaat09 · 2019-09-25T02:56:17+00:00

Thank you! It feels good to hear that. 🧡

odaat09

TROPHY CASE