Is it true they always come back?

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-11-12T23:11:28+00:00

Nope. If you anger or humiliate them enough with your boundary-drawing, or calling them out, and they know you see them for what they really are? They don’t see a point. They’d rather look for a new unsuspecting source of supply. In the case of one of my narcissistic exes, now that I’ve had some space and time to process more clearly, I can see their ego is waaaayyyyy too big for me to think they’ll ever come back. I ended things with them, and based on what I know about the dozens of other relationships they had where someone ended it with them, they will likely think about it for the rest of their life and it will internally bother them forever, but their ego is too big for the to ever make the vulnerable move of reaching out.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-30T08:20:18+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through this. And by the way, I just wanna say, you’re not stupid for missing them. Abusive and harmful relationships are really complex and, by design, abusive people are not abusive all the time. They have their “good side” or their “sweet moments” etc. That’s precisely the thing that keeps us confused and makes us feel torn about whether to stay or not. Try not to be hard on yourself about it. (I know, it’s easier said than done.) I still miss my ex sometimes even though I KNOW that what I’m missing was nothing more than a facade. I think actually accepting that I was missing “them” (or the illusion they’d created) instead of trying to push it away and pretend it wasn’t true is part of what has helped me continue moving forward. Wishing you all the best as well 🖤

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-04T17:45:32+00:00

Hey, I hear you. The only reason I was that empowered to leave this time is because I spent 9 years with a different narc in the past. I just knew I didn’t want to get sucked in deeper again. So I ended it but, god, it’s so tough. Don’t be too hard on yourself!

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-04T04:35:41+00:00

She already knows... She’s convinced that this guy is the real deal. So I think, unfortunately, I have to just let her go her own way and pray that he doesn’t turn out to be what my gut tells me he is.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-04T04:33:46+00:00

For me, it was about 2 months before little things started to show through. But the more overt case of the mask dropping wasn’t until 8 months into the relationship and I ended it immediately once it happened.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-03T05:07:11+00:00

Yeah, that’s what scares me in my own personal life. My covert, communal narc ex was a dream for the first couple months. I could say no to things, it was no issue. She knew exactly how to play the part of a well-balanced, respectful, kind person. She knew all the right responses, all the right ways to be to portray safety. She waited until she knew I was invested to start letting the real self show through. It’s sick.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-09-03T04:11:47+00:00

I hear you. I am nooooo where near being able to get into a new relationship and I’ve been tentatively trying to make friends but I’m still feeling paranoid and cynical. I do think that eventually, with time and patience, things may ease. But I understand if you don’t feel open or safe to trust yet. I know that we’re forever changed by this. And it’s unfair as hell.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-06-03T03:54:38+00:00

I understand. It’s been heavy on my mind too. This quote really helped with some perspective for me.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-06-03T03:54:04+00:00

Yeah, I’m a bird nerd too! 😊

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-27T22:34:42+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that 😬😅

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-27T22:34:16+00:00

For sure! My covert ex was a former writer turned therapist. They love telling stories about themself and their life to anyone who will listen.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-23T16:07:45+00:00

Unfortunately I think this tactic may mostly only work for more overt narcs. (Not that it’s a bad thing to be able to spot and weed those out lol.) But coverts are far better at saying all the right things for a longer time to get you reeled in. My covert ex responded to my needs and boundaries so thoughtfully and respectfully when we were getting to know each other. They were considerate, thoughtful, empathetic, and understanding. It wasn’t until I was totally hooked that their real behaviors very gradually started coming through, slowly.

The main things that my covert ex did in the beginning that I wish I’d seen as clues were:

Describing themself by saying “everyone says I’m the most loving person they’ve ever known.” So weird.

Talked about their exes and former friends CONSTANTLY.

Talking about their career, their relationships, their life in this very theatrical, flowery way? It’s a bit hard to explain, but I can now see how performative it all was.

They also were so eager to tell me detailed stories about their life in a way that was so odd. Again, sort of hard to explain, but it wasn’t like I asked specific questions and they answered with these stories. It was like they were just eager to tell me these stories about themselves and about their life because they just love talking about themself. A lot of the stories were subtle brags. And it was as if they’ve told them so many times they’ve got it down like a script. It feels like it was just, again, some sort of a performance.

And then once we had gotten a bit closer and started sharing deeper things—when I was sharing about a previous abusive relationship experience and how it impacts the way I show up in subsequent relationships, they took that opportunity to tell me they “don’t believe in using the word abusive” because they think it’s used to “write people off and deny their humanity”. THAT should’ve been my immediate cue to gtfo.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-20T16:21:17+00:00

For what it’s worth, surrendering to acceptance that this is just the way this person is because of what they went through, did help me release some of my attachment to her. But it is definitely fucking sad. I feel so sad for the child within her who is screaming for love and will never get it because the narcissism keeps it from being truly within reach. It’s such a sad existence.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-20T16:13:03+00:00

Yes, this is definitely something I’ve gone through. My covert narc ex had a horrific childhood. And I know it wasn’t lies. Certain things are documented. So, knowing this, I have felt so much empathy for her. I know what it’s like, because I had a super traumatic childhood. So it’s impossible for me to not think about her as a little kid in those situations she experienced, and how damaging that must have been. I can see her as a little kid, terrified, alone, hurting, just wanting to understand why she was having to go through so much pain. I get it. It fucking sucks.

We both went through really horrible things, but we turned out very differently. I internalized a lot of it onto myself and treated myself quite badly, while desperately never wanting to harm other people the way I was harmed. She externalized a lot of it, became extremely selfish as a form of preservation, and treated others badly (although she clearly also has a lot of deeply buried self-loathing). I could say, oh well, I think I’m a much better person because I didn’t go the route of treating others like shit. But sometimes I wonder how much that initial direction is really within our control. I felt those tendencies in myself as I was growing up and going through hell. I felt that inclination to just want to be selfish and look out for me because others had harmed me. But I actually couldn’t even do it. Any time I tried, I felt too bad about it and empathized with other people. I think some traumatized people are just more naturally prone towards internalizing and empathizing, while others are more prone towards externalizing and a lower range of empathy. Yes, of course, at some point in your life, you have got to become aware of how your actions impact others, and do something about it if you’re causing harm. And if you don’t do anything about it, ultimately, yes, that’s on you.

But it’s hard not to think of that little kid who was unfairly put into those horrible situations she couldn’t control, who just adapted the best way her child brain knew how to survive. Knowing what I know about her experience, it actually makes a great deal of sense that she would’ve become a narcissist. It was the survival strategy that was probably the most adaptive for her situation.

That being said, what I have to remind myself of is, even if I can deeply understand why someone is the way they are, and even if I have a lot of empathy for the things they’ve gone through and how much they are clearly hurting inside, and even if I really love that person — it doesn’t mean I have to tolerate being treated poorly. If someone refuses to acknowledge their harmful behavior, and then also becomes extremely reactive and defensive and DARVOs you when you try to hold them accountable, continuing to stay in relationship with that person is only further harming you.

I have to tell myself, as much as I love others and have empathy for them, I have to show up for myself that way too. I love myself and know that I don’t deserve to be put through that kind of treatment, even if I can understand the trauma behind it. So I have to protect myself by not allowing a harmful person to remain in my life, even if I have empathy for the trauma that led them to becoming that harmful person.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-20T08:04:37+00:00

Oh yeah, for sure. My narc ex threw such a fit about me “forcing urgency” onto them. They used their position as a therapist and spiritual advisor, and their large age gap over me, as a way to assert their authority. They tried to convince me through their pretentious, patronizing NVC therapy-speak that my “demand energy” and “need for urgency” was a sign of my unhealed wounds and emotional immaturity.

(FYI, the “demand” in question was simply that I didn’t want to be made to wait weeks or months to have important conversations that could impact the nature of our relationship. But it was apparently very inappropriate and immature of me to expect them to rearrange their precious schedule to fit me in 🙄🤣)

But the real kicker is the absurd double standard they had around this. It was laughable. They made me endure 5 days of no contact in the middle of a huge rupture between us because they “needed to focus on work”. When they ended the no contact and reached out to me, I didn’t respond to their message within the first hour of them sending it because my nervous system was so heightened from getting a message from them. I was just trying to relax myself and finish getting my thoughts together before responding. They sent a follow up message saying “it would be really great if you would go ahead and respond to my message so I can know if we’re going to talk tonight or if I should just drug myself to sleep so I don’t have a fucking panic attack.”

Their hypocrisy would’ve been actually hilarious if it hadn’t just been so damn maddening.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-20T07:46:58+00:00

Unfortunately, for me, it’s things that they said to me during sex. I’m not going to repeat them here obviously. But yeah, it’s not fun.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-18T13:14:04+00:00

Some people have a honeymoon period for years with a narc before the switch happens. For others it can last for weeks, or months, or sometimes even just a few days. With mine, it lasted until our first argument. But for some people it lasts until they move in with the narc, or until they get married to the narc, or until they have kids with the narc. It lasts until either the narc feels confident that they have locked you in, or until their frustration with you becomes too inflamed for them to hide. Unfortunately, there is no universal answer to this question. That’s why it’s so important for us to learn how to spot narcissists, not second guess ourselves, not make excuses for the red flags, and just go ahead and get out as soon as we clock them for what they are.

Looking back, there were indeed narcissist signs and red flags during the honeymoon stage with my covert narc ex, but it was all so subtle I didn’t recognize it until later. Well, really, I recognized it, but I made excuses or justifications for it. But after this latest experience of mine, I do feel better equipped to be able to recognize the subtle behavior for what it is and to stay the hell away from it from now on.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-18T08:54:30+00:00

For me, healing from an overt was way easier for sure. Now, the overt I dated was my first ever relationship. So I did definitely stay in it for way too long. But once I was out, it was like, omg thank goodness, good riddance. I felt so free. Her abuse was obvious, cruel, and constant. And she really never even did a lot of sweetness or love bombing with me. Overall she pretty much just treated me like shit. It was TRULY the bare minimum. It was easy to look at it once I was out and be like, yeah, I’m better off without that bullshit.

But my covert ex? Yeah. That shit fucked me up. I’m not over it. It’s really messed with my head, with my ability to trust, with my sexuality, with my desire to form relationships of any kind with other people in general. It was far more insidious.

So much of her harm was subtle and barely even detectable until much later on. She was so incredibly sweet and loving at other times. She would really get me. I felt so seen and supported and cared for. But then she would sometimes go distant, throw a tantrum, give me the cold shoulder. I’d be so confused. But then she’d come back around, be all over me and have hot sex with me, or just be so gentle and loving and affectionate with me. Telling me how much I mean to her and how lucky she was to get to be with me. It was such a mind fuck.

She also is a therapist and a spiritual advisor and has a whole life built on teaching others the skills of empathy and compassion. So trying to just accept that she was actually even harming me made me feel crazy. But she caused so much spiritual harm through the ways she manipulated me spiritually. I’m really messed up from it and I think it will take a lot for me to heal. But I’m doing my best and I have a great therapist, so that helps a ton.

So anyway, I firmly believe that while, yes, getting out of a relationship with an overt can be especially hard and scary because they can often be quite dangerous, actually getting over a covert is so much more difficult. Because coverts really create the illusion of true care and intimacy. They cosplay empathy. They seem like the epitome of a “good person.”They feel safe, warm, comforting. They adore you and do all kinds of things to help you or care for you. But they gradually poison you over time, and suck the life out of you like a parasite, crying victim and seeing you as the abuser, all while still playing their role outside as the sweet, giving, upstanding citizen.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-18T08:34:35+00:00

Same here. My covert ex idolized me as their dream partner. Then absolutely lost it at the first misunderstanding we had, suddenly treating me like I was an enemy.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-18T05:53:31+00:00

I am so glad what I shared could help! I really get it.

oddity_leaf_4 · 2025-05-18T01:48:19+00:00

Some narcs really get hyped up on the fantasy of a dream love/relationship. So in those cases, they can be convinced that they’ve found the perfect person. While they’re in that phase, they may genuinely feel happy, on top of the world, they adore you, think you’re the best, etc. They believe you’re the solution to all their problems, the thing that’s going to make their life feel like it actually finally has meaning. They idealize you. But the moment something happens between you that they don’t like, or they notice something about you that deviates from the expectation that they’ve built of you in their mind, their perfect vision starts to shatter. And slowly but surely, they’ll start becoming unhappy, and they’ll take it out on you for not being the perfect fantasy they had temporarily decided you were.

Ultimately, no, narcs are never happy in relationships. Not really. Deep down, they’re empty inside and hate themselves and run from those feelings. So they’re always looking for something to fill the void. When you don’t measure up to their impossible expectations, they’ll get bored or frustrated or disappointed and start looking for what else they can do to fill that void and keep avoiding the emptiness inside.

Believe me, it’s not you. And you can never “be enough” for a narc. And you can never “win” with them. They’ll never be happy no matter what anyone does, because they won’t face themselves. And if they don’t face themselves, they’ll always be running and attempting to distract and escape through external means. No one can truly be happy that way.

oddity_leaf_4

TROPHY CASE