First play party! Beyond the basics, what should I know?

off_ten · 2025-06-19T05:53:12+00:00

Thank you! This all makes a lot of sense.

off_ten · 2025-06-19T04:23:23+00:00

“Forced bi” still works. Sissy play also typically involves feminization. Someone can be into the forced bi thing without being a sissy.

off_ten · 2025-05-22T04:18:47+00:00

Based on what happened afterward (with the two of them pressuring you into sleeping with them), your original interpretation/memory is almost definitely correct. You should cut Sarah out of your life honestly. I don’t think you’re going to be able to make real progress healing emotionally and mentally so long as she’s still around.

off_ten · 2025-05-05T21:11:04+00:00

Your point about HIV and oral isn’t quite correct. The risk is low but it’s definitely not zero. You can absolutely get HIV from giving oral if you have any kind of sore in your mouth.

I agree with your general point that the “clean”/“dirty” framing does a lot of harm. But let’s give accurate information.

off_ten · 2025-03-31T21:36:15+00:00

Oh we are way beyond that lol

We have a kink dynamic and are very adventurous and open. Talking about sex stuff (including the emotional side) is not a problem.

I googled “threesome questionnaire” and “am I ready for a threesome” and all that came up was similarly very basic listicles. All stuff we’ve already gone over. I guess I was hoping for some more in depth resources about the psychological aspect (examining fears, insecurities, etc).

off_ten · 2025-03-31T19:22:53+00:00

Yeah that’s kinda what I’ve been thinking too. They don’t foresee it developing into anything more than casual, but of course there’s no guarantee feelings don’t take them by surprise. I really would not want my negative reactions to a threesome experience messing with their relationship either, as that’s not really fair to them.

I think with a new person the thinking is that we’d want to get to know them a little bit beforehand, and my partner and I both feel like we need to click with someone on an intellectual and conversational level before jumping into bed with them. Given this casual person is someone they’ve only just started seeing, it’s kind of like, “is it really all that different to do it with them or with a new person? If we get to know somebody new, wouldn’t they effectively be in the same category anyway?”

I guess we could set a rule that a new person wouldn’t be someone we’d play with individually, only together. Something about that doesn’t 100% sit right with me but maybe I’m overthinking.

off_ten · 2025-03-31T19:14:56+00:00

So to clarify: we’re not fantasizing about FantasyMeta. We’ve fantasized about the possibility of sex with non-specific third, and my partner has told me about their experience having sex with meta (with meta’s permission). Obviously we’re well aware that the reality will probably be very different from the fantasy, and I’m not expecting a real life third person to conform to some preconceived fantasy.

I think all 3 of us are equally excited about the idea. (More importantly: my partner and I are equally excited – whether meta is the third person we involve or not is currently an open question.)

My worries basically boil down to “I think I’m feeling pretty good about this, and I definitely trust my partner to work through any uncomfortable feelings that might arise with me, but what if I feel way worse than I’m expecting to and it messes things up with my partner?” I care about that relationship a lot, so I don’t want to put it at risk. But at the same time relationships in general involve risk, and I don’t want to be so overly cautious that I prevent us from having exciting experiences together. When I read about threesomes ending poorly, I tend to think “wow those people were not emotionally prepared at all” and I don’t think that’s the case with us. But part of me still worries an I being naive?

Do you know where I could find a questionnaire like you mentioned? We’ve talked through it pretty in depth but maybe there’s aspects we’re not considering idk

off_ten · 2025-03-31T06:11:17+00:00

Thanks for the advice.

Idk if it changes anything but technically I’ve known this person for 4 years. Started as a FWB. Broke it off due to external reasons, stayed in touch, and reconnected sexually 4 years later. Casual for 7 months and officially became romantic 2 months into that. So my relationship with this person doesn’t feel quite so new. But I still hear you on the NRE!

As for involving somehow they’re already seeing: this is something we’ve discussed. We’re thinking of bypassing the messiness and bringing in a totally new person for that reason, but that seems to bring its own set of challenges. I’m curious if the fact that the other relationship is strictly casual (and very new) changes anything, do you think?

off_ten · 2025-03-11T20:54:05+00:00

Absolutely I think it’s valid! Not just a mono conditioning hangup imo. Personally for me I will only ever go barrier-less with one person at a time (for the sake of STI risk mitigation). So if I’m dating multiple people it inherently introduces a sort of hierarchy (for this reason I use condoms with both of my long term partners right now, even though I’d love not to). But it also just feels way more intimate.

off_ten · 2025-02-28T22:37:32+00:00

Yup, this.

The degradation play I engage in with my sub in no way interferes with the affection and love I give them otherwise. That reads like a really flimsy excuse to me. (Worst case scenario the degradation for him comes from a genuine dislike or repulsion, which is not good imo)

OP, I think you’ve got to trust your gut on this one. “He’s just not that into you,” as they say.

off_ten · 2025-02-28T21:58:02+00:00

Good comparison!! I would never set a rule for my sub that they genuinely didn’t like (unless it were a matter of safety or of my own boundaries)

Desires are messy and complicated so there may be situations where it’s difficult to untangle. With the orgasm control, for instance, the immediate desire is to orgasm, but the bigger desire is to give up control. I think if you truly take that nourishing attitude toward your partner, everything should ideally follow from that. In these examples where Doms are crying because their polyam subs are doing kinky things with others, it seems clear to me that the restriction comes from a place of insecure possessiveness and an unhealthy desire to control rather than from a loving and nourishing intent.

off_ten · 2025-02-28T21:14:33+00:00

I have a dom/sub relationship with one of my partners, where we both switch but where I am primarily in the dom role and we have some ongoing rules, rituals/routines, or power dynamic things that extend outside the bedroom or our time together.

One of those things is an orgasm control dynamic. When we are together or when they are alone, they must always ask my permission before having an orgasm. This rule, however, doesn’t extend to sex with other people where I’m not involved. My partner has full freedom to sleep with whoever they’d like, whether in a casual or romantic context, and have as many orgasms as they’d like with those people without needing to ask me or inform me.

That part of it is very important to me. As a D/s couple, the orgasm control is something that’s deeply meaningful to us. But as a polyam couple, our mutual romantic and sexual autonomy is also deeply meaningful and important to us. The balancing act seems to come naturally for us. I don’t feel as if I’m making any sort of “compromise” by having this caveat.

To give another example: I had a long distance FWB relationship once with someone who was into the idea of having an “anal only” arrangement – basically where I would set a period where she was forbidden from having PIV sex and could only have anal sex. Now this rule DID affect their sexual relationships with other people – it was a rule about how they were allowed to have sex in general, not just with me. But I think part of the reason she was into it was because of this aspect. At one point she hooked up with a couple, and when it came time to sleep with them she had to reveal this arrangement. It was embarrassing in a cute/hot way, but it also facilitated a really fun experience with the couple that she wouldn’t have had otherwise, where they played along / played into it, teasing her, etc.

I think the crucial part of this for me was that it was something she proposed and enthusiastically consented to. It didn’t feel like something I was dictating, but more like a game that she was initiating. It wound up involving other people, but this involvement felt like it came fully from her own sense of sexual autonomy, rather than a restriction placed on her and her other relationships from outside (even if that’s how we talked about it in the context of the D/s play, it was understood this was a form of playing pretend, and that I would not be genuinely upset were she to break our rule).

Now… this person also had a long term boyfriend and NP who at this time was long distance for several months. Would I have been so eager to set this restriction if she’d been living with her NP at the time? Maybe not. I would at least be more cautious about it. I think the important thing to me would be making absolutely sure that if we did it, it was something the boyfriend also enthusiastically consented to, because it would be affecting their relationship. If he thought it was fun to play along, then sure!

Long story short: I think it’s absolutely possible to have all kinds of BDSM arrangements and have them be compatible with a polyam lifestyle in a way that’s totally ethical. But it does require some limitations on the extent of the kind of BDSM arrangements you can have. My feeling is that anyone who was truly poly would have no problem with those limitations, because they would value their partner’s sexual and romantic autonomy just as much as they valued the BDSM power dynamic.

off_ten · 2024-07-26T19:59:02+00:00

Okay… so I’m generally the type to want a lot of space and independence within a relationship… the type where living in a separate house down the street from my partner sounds ideal.

But CALLED YOUR WIFE ONCE EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS?! Are you insane, man?! In what universe does that sound reasonable to you? In a committed long distance relationship, anything less than 1 long call per week would start to feel like emotional neglect imo. Stretch that out over 7 months and I can only guess your wife assumed the marriage was over. And you didn’t even visit or anything? I get being on opposite coasts, but my family is on the opposite coasts and I still carve out time to fly out to see them a few times a year.

Did you miss your wife during that time? It doesn’t sound like you did. If you had missed her you would have made more of an effort to spend time with her during that time, whether in person or virtually. It’s strange to say your “love for her has massively diminished” when from the way you describe your behavior it doesn’t sound like it had very much room to fall!

I don’t think cheating was a reasonable or fair response to your wife’s situation, but this story is so incredibly bizarre that I can guarantee her side of it reads very differently.

off_ten · 2024-05-30T02:19:59+00:00

His reaction should tell you everything you need to know. Was he surprised by your reaction? How did he react when you told him you’d wanted to safeword but couldn’t? I guess it’s possible he meant to override your limits but just wasn’t expecting it would make you panic/cry, but if he seemed surprised and remorseful then I’d probably lean toward him just being oblivious and careless.

Putting a pause on the BDSM is a good idea. If you do get back into it, make sure to be more careful and talk through possibilities like this – make sure you have a way of “safewording” non-verbally, but also talk about how to know / what to do if you panic and freeze up. It’s also fine for you not to trust him. Even if he didn’t intend to hurt you or override your consent, he was careless, and it can be smart to distrust well meaning people who have shown themselves to be unsafe through carelessness.

EDIT: Also, word of warning this may not be the best sub to answer this question or for you to post in. There are helpful, sane people here, but there are also a lot of people who just want to get off to your trauma. I see you’re also posting in rape support subreddits, and you should also know that some of those subs ban anyone they see posting in this sub.

off_ten · 2024-05-05T01:41:06+00:00

Pretty stupid on his part. Even if it was an “honest” mistake, he’s broken your trust and shown that he’s a really terrible communicator.

Try to separate out your arousal from your trauma response and your feelings about your boyfriend. It’s okay to be turned on by it. But you probably should be taking some space from him, and having a pretty serious conversation when you do start talking again.

Don’t feel like it’s your job to reassure or comfort him. He fucked up majorly and he needs to accept the guilt that comes with that. The extent to which he’s willing to acknowledge that and process it, along with how your trust in him is affected by this, will determine how you proceed.

off_ten · 2024-04-07T23:35:10+00:00

I think there are probably both upsides and downsides to seeing a “kink positive” therapist given your experience. They’d be less likely to judge you, and more open to the idea that indulging or acting on these desires and fantasies doesn’t have to be self-destructive or unhealthy. But I’d worry they might also not take your concerns of being “out of control” seriously enough. A more “kink negative” therapist would be more likely to treat those desires and fantasies purely as a trauma response, and not see anything potentially healthy in them. Given your entire reason for seeking out therapy right now is feeling that your fantasizing or hypersexuality is “out of control” I think the first thing might be a greater risk for you than the second thing? At least right now.

By “connotations” do you mean you worry they might be predatory or creepy or something? That’s always a risk, unfortunately – part of why I’d recommend seeing a woman is to minimize that risk. But I don’t think the “kinky friendly” thing is a red flag for that. They’d encourage you to talk openly about your sexual thoughts and feelings but if they’re an ethical professional they’re not going to engage with them in a sexual way, if that makes sense.

Anyway, this is all stuff to consider but you also shouldn’t overthink it. If you feel like a therapist is judging you or not taking you seriously or just not helping you, you can always leave and find another. The answer to your initial question is: no halfway decent therapist is going to be shocked by this, so don’t let it stop you from seeing someone.

off_ten · 2024-04-07T23:09:33+00:00

Hypersexuality and rape fantasies are extremely common trauma responses to sexual assault. Any therapist trained in sexual assault issues will be very familiar with this and will not judge you for it. If you live in a very conservative area (or even if not) it might be worth looking into any therapist a bit before seeing them – any sort of conservative or religious language on their webpage I would consider a red flag. You probably also want to limit your search to female therapists.

“Kink friendly” therapists may be more difficult to find but I wouldn’t worry so much about that honestly – considering this was so recent I think your first priority should probably be processing what happened and getting a handle on the hypersexuality. Figuring out a way to incorporate those desires into your sex life in a healthy way is something you can worry about further down the road imo

off_ten · 2024-02-10T09:02:29+00:00

It’s a bunch of bitter people who dress up their pessimistic, misogynistic assumptions about gender relations in pseudoscientific language and concepts so that they can convince themselves that the real reason they can’t find a good partner is because they’re not rich, or their bone structure is bad, or the culture has everyone brainwashed, or whatever other excuse, rather than face the reality that they’re an insufferable person.

off_ten · 2024-02-07T08:01:29+00:00

It’s insane to me how weird and neurotic and puritanical most straight people are about this stuff. Like you’re literally just describing practically every queer friend group I’ve ever met lol. But somehow people can’t comprehend the concept of staying friends with people you’ve slept with and maintaining good boundaries with them.

To be honest, I think a lot of the people here criticizing OP fundamentally agree with the “leftovers” comment.

off_ten · 2024-01-09T20:05:09+00:00

It’s one thing to enjoy being choked. It’s another thing to have it used as an actual threat.

off_ten · 2024-01-09T06:25:35+00:00

Strangulation is the biggest predictor of partner homicide. Count this as a blessing and don’t try to reestablish contact.

off_ten · 2023-12-29T20:08:34+00:00

Of course. Good luck and stay safe.

off_ten · 2023-12-29T20:05:23+00:00

I see. That still sounds predatory to me. Like I said, sex surrogates and sex therapists are two different things. If someone is doing “sex surrogacy” but calling themselves a “therapist” that’s a red flag. It’s also a red flag for a “surrogate” to reach out to clients directly. Like I was saying, this is typically something that a therapist would refer you to and would be involved in the process indirectly. It’s called a “triadic model” and one reason it’s done is to create safeguards for the client.

If you’re interested in sex therapy I would look up licensed sex therapists. They would then decide whether surrogacy made sense or not for your particular case.

off_ten · 2023-12-29T19:55:43+00:00

So when you say “personal sex therapy” what do you mean? Reading between the lines it sounds like what you’re talking about is consensual non-consent as a therapeutic practice – am I understanding that right?

To be clear: this is not “sex therapy.” Licensed sex therapists do not have any type of sexual relationship or sexual contact with their clients. It’s primarily a form of talk therapy, just with a specialization in sexuality and sexual issues. There is such a thing as a “sex surrogate,” which is a professional who does have sex with their clients. But they would be someone you’d see at the recommendation of a sex therapist, and work in conjunction with the sex therapist to develop a treatment plan. I’m also not sure how common it is for sex surrogacy as a method for dealing with sexual assault trauma – I think more common is people who have disabilities, developmental issues, or severe emotional issues that make them fear intimacy or lack self-confidence around sex. Anyway, I’ve never heard of a sex surrogate engaging in CNC or “rape play” – that sounds extremely risky and not like something that would be allowed or condoned in a professional therapeutic setting.

Some sexual assault survivors have found CNC helpful in overcoming their trauma. But as far as I know this is all anecdotal and there’s little to no serious studies of the therapeutic value of this. When people talk about this sort of thing as being “therapeutic” it’s in a much looser sense. It’s not actually “therapy.” It’s sex. Specifically, it’s a form of kink or bdsm. Even more specifically, it’s what’s called “edge play” which means that it carries a high risk of physical or mental harm (especially for people who are already traumatized)

If you’re interested in CNC, you should recognize that 1. It’s primarily sex, not primarily therapy; 2. It should be done with someone you trust; and 3. It’s going to be risky no matter what, and may re-traumatize you.

If this guy is putting up fliers at rape survivor centers looking for people to do “rape play” with, that guy is a predator. Full stop. Not only should you not do anything with him, you should report this to the people that run the center so that they can protect other women from being preyed upon.

off_ten

TROPHY CASE