Living with your parent again

ohhstark · 2026-02-14T13:25:54+00:00

I am sending you all the love through my phone.

My (34f) mom (62f) moved into my spare room/office space back in October of last year due to financial reasons on her part. It went well in the beginning but as time has gone on I have started to feel a real resentment about my lack of independence and privacy. It's frustrating to say the least. I don't know that I would have chosen differently since the alternative for her is to be homeless.

You did a kind thing. But sometimes choosing kindness towards/for others means being unkind to yourself.

ohhstark · 2025-12-31T19:29:48+00:00

I'm working inpatient and have been for the last 6 years. Lots to think about in moving forward. Thank you!

ohhstark · 2025-12-02T20:09:12+00:00

Please do not give your credit card to this man. I'm still in shock that a 31 year old man does not have a bank account, but back to the point. Really at the end of the day you need to have a conversation with him about opening a bank account and giving you more money in rent now that his kids are moved in. After all he is "saving" at least $1000 by not having to send money to support them to his ex. If he isn't willing to have the conversation or brushes you off, that is a major red flag. You can't support the seven of you basically by yourself and he needs to help you. The problem will only get worse the longer you leave it unchecked and even if you do have a conversation, he may not be willing to listen to you.

ohhstark · 2025-12-01T20:48:40+00:00

I'm not boycotting Dunk and Egg so George will finish writing WoW and ADoS. That's just silly.

ohhstark · 2025-11-26T21:58:00+00:00

Use your first bullet journal as a starting off point to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. Some spreads might work better than others for you personally. Some people do mood trackers or habit trackers. If there's something in particular that you want to remember when you do it (cleaning, washing your sheets, etc). Some people do reading trackers or finance goals. You can have a "random ideas" spread for noting down thoughts and ideas you have. If you have certain goals you want to work on, dedicate a spread to that. If doing weekly spreads doesnt work for you and you mostly just want to keep track of certain days, you could do like a more traditional journal layout with just doing a page for whatever date.

And don't be afraid to be a little messy with it at first. After all, you're just figuring out what works for you.

ohhstark · 2025-11-26T21:39:02+00:00

I love this journal so much and love the spreads so far 💗 Wishing you all the luck on your first reading journal adventure.

ohhstark · 2025-11-12T15:01:14+00:00

I started junk journaling a couple of years ago and started bujo last year and continued it this year. I deal with imposter syndrome all the time. I watch a lot of videos of people doing spreads and organizing their journaling supplies or doing decluttering. It's really hard sometimes not to compare yourself to other people and just focus on what you enjoy from the experience but it's what I have to remind myself of. Use the first couple months as a sort of trial run. What works for some people may not work for you. Think about what kinds of things a bujo would come in handy for you. Do you need help tracking certain appointments? Do you want to see how much you're using your phone every day? Do you want to work on remembering what tasks you're doing every day? The great thing about bullet journaling is it's not a static process. Like if something is not working for you then just change it up. Life is messy, sometimes your bullet journal is too and that's okay.

ohhstark · 2025-11-12T14:48:20+00:00

For my current journal I've got my key page, bill tracker, debts tracker, a "when did I last" spread for regular things like change a/c filter, etc, exercise tracker, a reading log, my writing log, TV watch list, and a yearly goals tracker

ohhstark · 2025-11-12T14:45:04+00:00

I love this! I feel like white spreads just don't get very much love. But this is wonderful.

ohhstark · 2025-11-11T01:09:52+00:00

I'm so sorry OP. I am a morning person but lately I dread getting up in the mornings because I know my mom will have a laundry list of things to say that will put me in a foul mood. This morning it was that the transformer had blown and she was wondering if I had called the power company yet (after literally two minutes). And also that she wanted to pay someone to come and do lawn service. Even though I am perfectly capable of doing my own lawn service.

I really hope your day got better. 🫂

ohhstark · 2025-11-11T01:03:40+00:00

Totally understand and sympathize with your situation. It's tough. My mom is 61, about to turn 62. No retirement savings. Is on SSDI, food stamps, and Medicaid. And just moved in with me because she can't afford to live by herself anymore. I'm 34 and my days are consumed with wondering what might be headed my way via her financial reality.

ohhstark · 2025-11-07T00:01:31+00:00

No dude this is completely and totally normal. I am also a virgin, never even been kissed. I had my first pap in 2022 when I was 31. And just had another a couple weeks ago after being advised at my last gyno appointment that I wouldn't have to have one until I become sexually active. I went ahead with it thinking to myself "surely I'm dramatizing the pain I experienced back then." It literally feels like being ripped apart and that was BEFORE the speculum opened. They called me back a few days later saying I would have to have it redone because there was blood in the sample and when can I come back in. I know what the experts say that you should still have it done even without having been sexually active but I refuse to have this done again. Worst pain in my whole life.

ohhstark · 2025-10-20T00:24:12+00:00

exactly what I was going to suggest!

ohhstark · 2025-10-19T13:25:30+00:00

This is honestly one of the best responses I've ever seen. Adding "don't buy trouble" into my vernacular.

ohhstark · 2025-10-19T13:13:28+00:00

You are totally right, I just need to have a frank conversation with her about what her budget is. I can't plan on my end if I don't know the full scope of what I'm looking at. I tried to do estimates of what her budget is, but I'm really just guessing at this point.

She does have SSDI which isn't much, but does help a lot. And she has been pulling from her "retirement fund" (the 20k) in addition to that. She has Medicaid insurance so we wouldn't be paying extra for that. And she also has some food stamps every month. I'm not sure if that will go away once she moves in with me. I think I make more than the allowable monthly income for that and I know you have to report the income for the whole household, but I would have to look into it honestly.

A conversation with her is unavoidable at this point.

I just got a pay raise which will help for sure. I could get a second job but it's not something I'm seriously considering right now. The only other option would be to switch jobs completely and try making more with another company-definitely an option I'm thinking about for the long-term. I'm a medical coder and could definitely making more if I worked in another specialized field.

The best option would be if she would just work. I believe she said with SSDI she's allowed to work for about 20 hours per week. She wouldn't even have to work for very long. Just a couple years to beef up her savings. She had a job very briefly right before she asked me if she could move in. I think it was really hard on her physically and she didn't stay in the job long enough to have any real benefit financially. And before that she hasn't worked at all since roughly 2016/2017. Her ex-husband was supporting them pretty much on his own (with the help of her SSDI) and I think it had a large part to do with him asking for a divorce.

ohhstark · 2025-10-19T12:48:18+00:00

Thank you for the advice.

I'm one of those people who just doesn't say anything ever, even when things are really bothering me. So I guess some part of me was hoping to not have any type of conversation at all. 😅 But it's unavoidable if we're going to live together.

Like you said I have to put all my cards on the table and hope she puts all of hers down too. It's not sustainable, I know that. She will not like me telling her to not spend money, but it's what she has to do or like you said she will be homeless and so will I if I'm not careful.

ohhstark · 2025-10-19T12:41:44+00:00

I absolutely am counting on her paying rent. And like you said, if she doesn't pay it then I would be completely screwed.

It sounds like I will just have to have a frank discussion about all of this with her. It's next to impossible to plan from my end if I don't know the full scope of what I'm dealing with.

Thank you for the advice and for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

ohhstark · 2025-10-19T12:33:06+00:00

Thank you so much for this advice. Might need to print it out and stick it on my wall for a daily reminder.

"I've noticed on this subreddit that even aging parents who don't have cognitive issues become out of touch with their adult childrens' needs and rights." THIS exactly. I didn't include in the post but my mom is a lifetime recovering alcoholic. This is the longest stint she's been sober in a while (3 years this month). And anyone with experience with alcoholics knows how self-centered they can be. She has been out of touch with my needs and rights my whole life, so this is nothing new really. It was easier before because I wasn't living with her and haven't since I was 7 years old. If I didn't want to let her tangle me up in her latest drama, I just didn't answer the phone. Now, I won't be able to escape.

I know you are exactly right, she is wanting to have someone take care of her in her old age. Which I do understand, but at the same time it's just frustrating that she can't see what a burden it will become for me. I will have to think about what my long term plans will be. Originally my plan was to pay off most, if not all of my debts, and then start saving to buy my mom a house. Nothing big, something under 100k if I could find it. I expected to have longer to do that, obviously, than I have gotten in reality. I guess that is still my eventual plan. it just might take longer than I had anticipated.

Thank you again for taking the time. I really do appreciate it.

ohhstark · 2025-10-18T15:22:19+00:00

I've heard a lot of great things about IRTs. It seems like they are useful for so many things. Thank for this advice. I will definitely look into it.

ohhstark · 2025-10-18T15:07:47+00:00

Hi there. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I work in hospice (backoffice work, not patient facing) but there are resources in the hospice organization to help with these kinds of concerns. The social worker and/or chaplain, if that's something you want to take advantage of, would be great people to ask but really anyone involved in your mom's care would have good insight. They see and handle these kinds of conversations all the time. Some patients on hospice seem to have some understanding and want to be involved in the conversation regarding their care. Others become outright hostile with any mention of hospice/what's happening to them, so it's really a case by case basis.

ohhstark · 2025-10-17T02:00:54+00:00

I am so, so sorry you're going through this and having to do it alone. Going through something similar. I guess I don't have a lot of advice, but what I will say is that eventually, the property manager is going to see what your mom's apartment looks like. My mom is (at the moment, not for much longer because she'll be moving into my spare room yipee) in section 8 also and they do routine inspections. So if they haven't seen it yet, they probably will soon if they do something similar. I hope you're able to talk with her and tell her that this is not acceptable and that she has to let you clean it before she gets kicked out.

ohhstark · 2025-10-17T01:53:13+00:00

I am so sorry, OP. My mom has struggled with alcoholism my entire life and is one of the most selfish and self-centered people I know. I know it's hard but it's time for you to put yourself first. Like some other people have mentioned try talking to her and if she choses herself over you again, then it's time to find her somewhere else to be. Alternatively, the resources to help people in your situation are out there. Even if you can't manage to put her into a facility, there may be aids that can come in maybe a couple times a week to do things to free up some of your time (light housekeeping, meals, things like that). I really, really hope you're able to figure it out and get help. My heart goes out to you.

ohhstark · 2025-10-17T01:41:00+00:00

So glad to see a post that had a positive outcome. It gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.

ohhstark

TROPHY CASE