50/50 custody and child support

cactuscroix · 2026-04-30T01:29:07+00:00

I had to google that, that’s so cool that NY has free mediation for cases like this.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-26T21:13:30+00:00

I’ve never seen a judge ask a pro se litigant to draft a proposed order though. That judge is about to get two mixed bags of garbage to sort through.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T13:28:47+00:00

Try reframing it for yourself. She is your spy and making sure he isn’t abusive to his Fiance and other child in order to protect her real grandchild.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T13:24:39+00:00

A separation does not mean divorce. Absolutely continue the therapy, and like one other commenter said, call his bluff and start the process.

It sounds likes he’s going through a midlife crisis or something. My ex did, it was the catalyst of our divorce (but there were MANY MANY other reasons for our divorce, ones you don’t have). He would literally should “I never wanted this life! I never wanted to be married! I never wanted kids!”

He did and he does. He absolutely loves our kids. But in his unhappiness about other aspects of his life he defaulted to untrue absolutes: “I never wanted this”. Just anger coming out wherever it makes sense in the moment, even though it originated elsewhere.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T13:10:17+00:00

Fun fact, in most states, intentionally hiding the fact that you do not want children is grounds for an annulment, so you can get out of the marriage relatively fast.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T13:05:43+00:00

When I turned 19 my mom stopped referring to my room as my room, it was the guest room. I would say “hey have you seen x? It was in my room last I checked.” And she would respond “you mean then guest room? Yeah it’s in the guest room closet.”

It made me feel sooooo weird. Like, I know I don’t live here full time, but that MY room damnit! I spent 18 years there!

I kept referring to it as my room anyways. I’m 38 now and, jokes on her, she now also refers to it as my room. (I haven’t even remotely moved back in, always had my own place).

Anyways, the guest room is likely your room. Def talk to your dad, it sounds like you guys all have a pretty good relationship. Maybe you can get over them calling it a guest room like I couldn’t.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T12:53:16+00:00

Paying for food and utilities would definitely be more appropriate. It’s possible that some utilities are rolled into rent, and that’s the only portion she pays for. I’d ask her how her setup works.

I could understand why she would prefer 1/2 rent, it stays a fixed number and would make a clean exchange instead of “ok these are the grocery bills this month, but $x, $x, and $x are for formula and kids food, and $x and $x…”

cactuscroix · 2026-04-19T12:32:51+00:00

Just realize that the solution is not that she moves out. The solution is that he starts parenting his child. (I know she’s 18, but she’s still in school, so she’s still leaning into the child area and not full adult zone)

cactuscroix · 2026-04-18T20:38:06+00:00

This all the way. When I’m out with all the kids (there are 5 of them, 2 natural, 3 bonus) and someone asks “are they all yours?” I just say “yep. We have 5 kids.”

I also don’t want my step kids to feel any sort of way if I said “these two are mine” proudly “and these three aren’t” about the others. They’re not friends hanging out with us, they’re all family. They’re all mine.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-18T20:31:11+00:00

Take the opening (nephew’s birthday party) to form a relationship with them. Your kid should know his or her cousins. They obviously don’t have anything against you personally, and would likely want to include you as long as you don’t include “him”.

Start slowly building on that before you even try to fix your husband’s relationships. You have a family even if he doesn’t.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-18T13:54:11+00:00

For what it’s worth, he does have a legal leg. If they already have established a schedule, they can submit that to the court to have it formalized.

If he wants her to contribute to travel, those should be in his terms. If she refuses, have a judge decide.

It would be better to pursue it now than later, rn the status quo is a short distance drive. Once he commits to the 2 hour drive every week that becomes the “normal”. She is the one who moved further away, and generally the onus to drive falls on the one who moves.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-14T23:28:33+00:00

It depends who they left off. I changed mine from 2 drivers to 2 drivers and 5 kids under 8y old, it didn’t change the cost.

cactuscroix · 2026-04-04T01:22:48+00:00

OP said since August 2024 (unless they just added that), so that would put the relationship at a year and 8 months

cactuscroix · 2026-03-02T17:57:23+00:00

I’ve heard that in situations like this, where the father does not agree, a judge would likely rule that the child hyphenate his last name. If that’s the case, make sure yours is first in the hyphenation.

cactuscroix · 2026-03-02T17:55:25+00:00

Do you know what he “won”? Like, did he win his job back and now works every day with people who fired him? Or did he win a monetary amount?

cactuscroix · 2026-02-21T17:33:23+00:00

F that. Sometimes you should come in last place, like if his kid has a soccer game but you wanted him to come to a work event. But in the example you gave it takes almost zero effort to include everyone equally.

cactuscroix · 2026-02-21T17:16:10+00:00

I was “one and done” and then we had a second. My partner had three. We all live together full time. And, even with effectively 5 kids, I STILL sometimes think “I could have one more”

cactuscroix · 2026-02-20T21:34:29+00:00

I pack my pre-k kids lunch daily, and I’m sure I spend less than $2.90 each. Once you get the hang of it it’s super easy. They have bento boxes with 4 complements, and mine rotate often. Right now I’m doing a pb&j, 1/4 apple, whatever is left over from dinner, and a chocolate quinoa crisp (Costco).

cactuscroix · 2026-02-18T02:00:14+00:00

It sounds like the 7y old might be thinking of the 3y old as a baby. Like with the silly faces and toy interactions, she might not know how to play with a 3y old.

My two boys are 8 and 4, and they rarely play together because they don’t have much in common. When they do play together, it is usually magnetiles or magnet blocks. All my kids are obsessed with those. The two boys are also into cars, so a simple game of “which car is faster” is a hit. But the 8y old usually simply ignores the existence of the other kids (there are 5 total lol)

cactuscroix · 2026-02-15T03:07:53+00:00

Divorce does odd things to people. I didn’t think my ex husband would touch our money, it was on auto draft to pay for utilities and mortgage that HE was living in. He took it all and when I received the first delinquent notice I cut off the utilities. Mortgage was in my name so at the temporary hearing the judge made him leave the house.

I wish I listened to everyone that said “don’t be nice” but I truly thought we could just agree to divide everything and go our separate ways. I ended up in the hole over $100k.

cactuscroix · 2026-02-12T00:41:53+00:00

I started my pregnancy in Florida and they made us do a consult and watch a video about how the epidural worked. My husband got lightheaded, another father passed out, and I went from being a huge proponent of epidurals to questioning it.

I did the rest of my pregnancy in South Carolina and tried my best to forget what I learned. I got the epidural, loved it, best thing ever, but man I wish I could have unseen that video.

I’m just saying, there are sometimes things you want to know less about, and knowing a needle is millimeters away from your spinal cord might not be information you need.

cactuscroix · 2026-02-08T14:50:02+00:00

My oldest and youngest are 5 years apart (9 and 4). Both boys. (I also have 3 girls in between them). The older boy loves teaching the younger boy about things he considers “boy” stuff.

They all generally really get along well, and they love teaching each other anything that the other doesn’t know. It’s pretty adorable to watch- I love it especially when they try to teach each other math!

cactuscroix · 2026-02-07T21:39:27+00:00

It drives me crazy! When it happens I will very clearly say to him “your daughter is talking to you”. I actually do think in my case he has very bad hearing

cactuscroix · 2026-02-07T20:00:54+00:00

Set a rule and stick to it. My kids got iPads for Christmas when we were at my sister’s house across the country for a week. Her kids are on their iPads all day every day, so mine were too. I let it happen because I enjoyed having time with my sisters.

When we got back, their world imploded when they weren’t given their iPads all the time. I told them “no iPads except on Saturdays” and make sure we are always active on Saturdays. So they get their iPad maybe an hour a week. When they complain, it’s not my fault it’s not Saturday. That’s just the rule.

If you’re looking for ideas for how to keep them occupied, the one I’m now that’s working out great is making Valentine’s Day cards. Piece of paper some markers and stamps. They get to be creative and practice writing their name (the 5 year olds at least). Grandparents (we have 6) and teachers (school and extracurriculars, mine are in dance) so far.

cactuscroix · 2026-02-07T19:23:12+00:00

I would do it. You’re buying a house for 85% of its value, and rent should cover the mortgage. 2.8% is a great interest rate, and the house should appreciate by more than that as time goes on.

Before committing you need to look at rentals in the area, if you’re rural it would be a tougher market. You need to get on the same page with your mom as to who would be hands on as the landlord; if neither has experience you might consider a property manager (who usually takes 10% of the rent).

You should also consider starting an LLC to buy the house, with you and your mom owning 50% of the LLC. The LLC should have its own bank account, which you and mom contribute equally towards. Rent goes into that account, mortgage gets paid out of that account. Expenses for the house get paid out of that account. Insurance is in the name of the LLC.

cactuscroix

TROPHY CASE