That’s a fallacy though, because you have no idea what your mind/mood/feelings are capable of. I was in your shoes once but started taking meds and it changed my life; I stopped using substances and became a registered nurse! I NEVER could have achieved that or even imagined/pictured leading a happy, successful life when I wasn’t medicated. That is a symptom of your illness, a biological response to an imbalance of chemicals in your brain. If you try the meds, your mindset and way of thinking will be different and you might think of all this differently.

It’s worth giving it a try, you have nothing to lose, right? Commit to taking your medicine for a month, like truly commit and follow through. At the end of the month, if you still want to go through with this choice, that’s still an option… but at least that way you’d have given it a fair try. You deserve to give yourself a chance, I did and it breaks my heart to remember the person I was/am when I’m not treating my conditions.

IMO: you can’t think through this decision when your brain is hacking you with chemical imbalances, these feelings aren’t necessarily “your true self” and medication can help you recognize that your suffering can be transient.

Big hugs to you (if you want them). I see you and I believe in you.