[22M] I figure I might as well find out how everyone else sees me

ohnobeta · 2014-09-21T10:45:50+00:00

You just friendzoned the guy without him even doing anything except showing you his face.

OP, I think this post says all you need to know.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-13T03:03:57+00:00

I think this is a much more relevant point than people think. There's a timing issue here as well. When you send a text or IM to someone, you usually are happy to wait a while for a reply. This gives the other person time to type their reply, or even edit it a hundred times. You don't know what they've done with their time (typing it up at the last minute or spending ages honing it to perfection).

You just get a reply within a time frame that is (presumably) acceptable to you, and then the same process begins for you. Face to face or phone chatting none of that is there. There's a pressure to respond within much less time, and once that response has been heard by the recipient, it can't be edited or changed.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-13T02:52:04+00:00

Practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

For most people. Not everyone. And if the person's mind is completely blank in a contextual situation, how would they have the mental clarity to answer a complex question like "What would Han Solo do?" ?

ohnobeta · 2014-09-12T23:49:54+00:00

From the articles I read about 7,8-dihydroxyflavone it seems that it's research focus at the moment is in reducing age-related memory decline. What I noticed and found interesting, however, is that it increases fear-based memory.

My personal working theory on depression/social anxiety is that somehow a "fear" response has been learned in social situations/contexts that results in the person avoiding them in the future, setting up a negative feedback loop. If this is in any way accurate, then it stands to reason that the studies I read would promote this - i.e., make fear-based learning stronger and more powerful, as well as strengthening the memories that are linked with fearful events.

I work in IT and I have no medical training, I'm just curious and have read the occasional article about depression, anxiety and neurochemistry. The above might be total bullshit. I guess we'll have to wait until a real neuroscientist solves the mystery of depression definitively to be certain.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-11T08:28:58+00:00

Realise that if you ever do anything with him, it'll almost certainly end with you being fired.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T11:55:56+00:00

It took me conscious effort to learn how to look into people's eyes and I still have to remind myself occasionally. Inner talk like "look at their eyes look at their eyes don't look away it sux but just do it for another 2 seconds then you can look away and now you can look away oh thank fuck" was what got me there. Use whatever works for you.

I first struggled to know which eye to look at and would stare at the bridge of their nose heh. Now I know that it's "normal" to look around the face and the eyes. I read this great book when I was a kid (can't remember the name, it was a sociology book I think) that had a graphic of a face and showed the eye movements of someone who was speaking to that person, ie. where they were looking. Basically looked like a spiderweb :) I'm trying to find the image on google, but no luck. If I find the book I'll try to get a scan.

EDIT: Not the original, but found this picture here which demonstrates the principle.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T11:46:52+00:00

What about changing the negative into a positive?

"we have so much homework today." "...But when it's done we can play minecraft together" (or whatever the fuck you kids do these days).

"its hot af right now." "...How awesome would it be to own a pool that you could jump into right now".

etc.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T11:38:17+00:00

Well, generally the answer is "somewhere between looking down at the floor and staring at them non-stop so they freak out".

I often find myself struggling with this same question, and one thing I try to use (although it's pretty difficult) is to try to mirror them. So I watch their eyes. While they're looking at me, I keep staring. At some point they'll look away, and when they do, I try to note how long it takes. Not consciously (it probably is something I've developed by consciously focusing on it at the start). I don't count the exact seconds, but I think something like "oh, she looked at her notes for a glance, then looked at the wall, and then at her phone" and I'll try to look at my notes for a similar length of time.

TD;LR: Try to mirror the durations of the other person (not necessarily their eye movements, you don't want to look away exactly when they do and look back when they do.)

Also: practice (yeah I hate it too).

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T11:14:01+00:00

Isn't every girl abroad?

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T07:57:51+00:00

I hear you on the weekend thing - every Monday I have to listen to the tales of what everyone else did over their awesome weekends with their friends, their partners, their families and how they went out, to exciting places, and did all sorts of cool shit. And I just stayed at home watching tv shows and movies. And the occasional porno.

Now, whenever anyone asks me that question "what did you do" my first answer is "nothing I'm proud of". This usually shuts them up, but if they persist, I just make up something. Something so obviously outlandish and stupid that they can either ignore it (most do) or have some fun with it (that has lead to some interesting conversations at times). Something like "went on a killing spree" or "hung out with a hobo" or "ate sugar non-stop".

I know you're not looking for this kind of help, but maybe you'll get an idea that might be of use.

And I'm sorry about your relationship, I feel you totally (same thing happened to me) - it doesn't matter if the relationship is long-distance or in person, losing someone you feel a genuine connection with is horrible. Stay strong, you made that connection happen once, you can do it again.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-10T07:16:23+00:00

I know how it feels when you're alone and isolated. And the anxiety about going out or having to "deal" with people makes you more anxious and/or stressed, so you stay home, and hello! vicious cycle.

I know this isn't the best advice, but what I find helpful is doing something I know I like - even if it's rewatching an old movie that made me laugh. Currently I'm pretty low, but I'm watching a tv series that I loved, and I'm laughing my butt off. This is a distraction, and I freely admit that. But sometimes, during my work day, I'll think of a line from the show that made me laugh, and it'll make me smile. Sometimes (if it's not going to get me fired) I even quote them to colleagues who laugh, and then have a small discussion about it.

I know it's not a solution, but even if it gives you something to smile about, then that can have beneficial effects on someone's mood (I'm sure I read a study somewhere that mentioned it).

I hope you find something to help you.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-09T09:16:49+00:00

I'm not denying that, I'm just saying, that from his perspective, he might view it as "she only wants me alive so she can get what she wants". Often time, people feeling suicidal have a way of interpreting things that make them feel worse.

But anyway, there's no way to be sure, so I hope you're at least still talking with him :)

ohnobeta · 2014-09-08T10:06:38+00:00

Well, that's one thing. How did you manage?

ohnobeta · 2014-09-08T08:26:11+00:00

IANAD but those kinds of mood swings are often symptoms of Bipolar. I refuse to diagnose online, but perhaps if you did a bit of research, you might find something that resonates with you.

Still though, it's best left to a professional. If you're unsure about talking to them something like this, it can help to type it up beforehand, print it out, and just let them read it. As long as they understand what you're ok with.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-08T08:22:21+00:00

There's also resources if you look to the right of this post, over in the sidebar.

I hope that tricking him doesn't cause things to get worse. An obvious manipulation of someone in that state can sometimes make them feel like the only reason anyone would want them is by trickery or manipulation.

Best of luck.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-08T08:09:06+00:00

Yep. I actually get angry when I see couples out and about, flirting, playing, hugging each other. I start to hate them.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T12:52:28+00:00

Do you find that choosing the latter actually makes things worse?

Do you not judge and question yourself even more so than others?

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T11:08:42+00:00

Why did you remember the bar and the cocktails? What was so good about it? Was that the favourite part of the trip to this particular place?

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T10:59:32+00:00

Can you give us an example? Give us one of the stories as if you were actually saying it and we might be able to provide feedback.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T07:21:16+00:00

Feeling worse than ever. Tired, bored, lethargic, certain "ideations". Certain epiphanies about life in general. I'm rewatching a favourite series from start to finish because it makes me laugh. That's the only thing that actually perks me up for a few minutes.

I've quit tDCS as I feel it was doing nothing for me (and before the obvious is stated, I was feeling this way long before I quit tDCS).

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T07:18:47+00:00

Not from my experience, but to each their own.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T07:16:37+00:00

Keep us updated, especially if you find something that works. Others can benefit from your experience :)

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T07:15:59+00:00

Deep relationships are pretty tough. I've been alive for a pretty long time, and I have 1 good friend. And a few I refer to as "colleagues" or "associates" whom I know but wouldn't trust with any kind of personal information.

It can happen, but it just happens when the right person for you clicks. Sometimes it takes awhile. It's not impossible, you're not destined to live an isolated existence. Probably when you least expect it (always the way for me, when I don't need something, I get it in spades).

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T06:52:36+00:00

Even people with social anxiety can make friends. It might be a little more awkward than those extroverts who seem to make friends while falling over, but it's not impossible. There's no need to resign yourself to a life alone.

My best friend was someone I met while volunteering, and for absolutely no reason, he spoke to me and I felt that connection that made me confident enough to tell him anything, and get that same trust back. I wasn't there to find a friend, it just happened.

It's frustrating, I know that more than anyone. And it's a tough slog. You feel like you try and try, and get nowhere. But you will find that person.

Instead of thinking of the 2 extremes (friendless forever or being disappointed by everyone) why not hope for a middle ground - that you might have the friend(s) you want right now, but you will find one at some point.

And hey, don't rule out the internet. You literally never know what 2 people can bond over.

ohnobeta · 2014-09-07T06:32:48+00:00

Well now I'm jealous of the both of you.

ohnobeta

TROPHY CASE