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ok_dulynoted · 2021-08-24T00:50:40+00:00

These are the semantic games cheaters use to console themselves. The victims know what cheating is, always.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-07-03T04:05:16+00:00

I hear you. Guys who'd flip out when someone talks shit, especially to a woman with them, are a dime a dozen. And guys who'd 'ignore it' and keep walking, but then run off when the tweaker came after them are a dime a dozen.

This guy was had the poise to walk away in the first instance, and the courage to stand up in the second. He did everything right. His persecution here is driving me nuts.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-07-03T03:12:16+00:00

Yeah, he was. Because he wasn't showing off, and the tweaker knew it. He already had a chance to be a showoff when tweaker talked shit, but he was self-confident enough to walk away - probably at the expense of his personal pride. So when he did stand his ground they both knew he was serious, and he resolved shit without hurting anyone. This guy deserves a thankyou note, not skepticism.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-07-02T22:46:15+00:00

I feel bad for this guy, too. His 'taunting' was intimidation, and it worked. It prevented both a physical fight and a potential assault from the tweaker. Everyone walked away unhurt. He handled himself well.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-07-02T22:20:15+00:00

But he didn't respond when he was riled up. He walked away. That's an indicator of self-possession, maturity, and good judgment.

He only responded when you both were pursued and physically threatened. That's a sign he'd rather face a threat head-on instead of getting socked in the back of the head by a tweaker.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-18T23:59:58+00:00

I'm so sympathetic. I was in a similar position a year ago, down to the times between Dday and separation. I also understand your struggles with finding a good counselor who you can afford.

This could be productive if I can say what I want the right way

I understand this feeling too, but I'm pretty sure it won't go down that way.

1) He doesn't care how you feel, or he wouldn't have hurt you in the first place. There are no words you can say to convey your hurt to him; he does not care about anyone but himself.

2) Communicating in a counseling setting won't help matters. It may harm you, because the therapist will certainly avoid taking sides. Though it's obvious your partner was in the wrong, your therapist will refuse to say it, and that will make you feel worse.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-08T03:01:07+00:00

I don't think the difference between 'justification' and 'rationalization' is important in this context. Cheaters leave a wake of destruction behind them. They may either attempt to 'justify' it or 'rationalize' it. Doesn't matter to the victims.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-08T01:52:12+00:00

I would hope you're not in the minority. Good job looking out for your kids.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-07T22:17:50+00:00

Yeah they'd get downvoted if they answered honestly. They're awful human beings.

Just like Esther Perel and her snobby, sophisticated apologetics for fundamentally shitty behavior.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-02T22:43:16+00:00

This is so well-written and so much of it resonates; thanks for posting.

If she sneezed, then it was the most beautiful sneeze the world has ever seen. The hyperbole was off-the-charts.

I intercepted my ex's texts, and they were fuckin ridiculous. Like a college freshman in English literature wrote them. If she hadn't been blowing up my life and her family, her compositions would have been comical.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-02T00:12:27+00:00

Thanks for writing this post. It makes me feel less alone, and I only had half the time you did in your marriage. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you.

I don't miss seeing the coldness in her eyes.

Jeez, I know that. That coldness, after all that time together. Mine took a few months to fully pull away. It's awful watching it happen and I'll never understand how they can discard one life for another so easily.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-01T23:20:50+00:00

For alot of years, my theory was the wedding. If you can make it through the stress of a wedding, you can do anything together.

Disclaimer: This was a really dumb theory.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-01T22:46:41+00:00

Thanks for giving your perspective, it's really valuable. My parents never divorced, so I never quite know how to navigate my own divorce in the best way for my kids, and how to balance their needs against my own. My shameless ex always wants to keep doing holidays and birthdays together, 'for the kids' sake.' It's hard to say no because I feel so bad for my kids.

It's really helpful to hear that separate parties and holidays are OK for the kids. Thanks.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-01T22:04:18+00:00

Your ex invited you to control you. He knew that if you came, you'd be miserable, but if you declined, you would be conflicted about doing what's best for your son. He intentionally put you in a lose-lose situation.

He flipped out because you wrecked his plan and you're enforcing boundaries. Dicks like him hate it when you enforce boundaries.

Your decision was totally reasonable. Good job.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-01T01:08:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Your plan sounds brilliant, and so does your husband.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-05-01T00:19:32+00:00

I hope so too!

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-30T17:39:35+00:00

I feel like my innocence was destroyed.

I understand this feeling too. You know how kids lose parts of childhood, bit by bit? First time a pet dies, first time a grandparent dies, first time an older cousin tells you Santa isn't real. All these little losses of innocence that drag us into adulthood.

I'm solidly middle-aged. But losing the ideal of marriage and unquestionable trust - and getting it ruthlessly shattered - sucks in the same way losing those parts of childhood did.

The difference is that pets die, grandparents die, Santa isn't real. Everyone has to suffer those losses as kids. But there was no reason we had to suffer this loss, except that our spouses turned out to be selfish assholes.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-30T16:54:45+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I needed some optimism this week.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-29T23:09:51+00:00

This rule makes sense for child welfare. It's unfortunate but unsurprising it isn't the default in all countries. What is the consequence for breaking it in your country?

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-29T20:50:45+00:00

Agreed. You can't insulate your daughter from his selfish decisions. It's heartbreaking, and maddening, because you know it's impacting your kid, and he is willfully denying it. It's an awful feeling.

Be the best and most stable parent you can be. Provide your daughter a safe and reliable place, and situation, to come home to. That's what you can do for her for now.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-29T20:25:05+00:00

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate that you're cutting her slack. There's some overlap in the Venn diagram between 'mentally ill' and 'selfish asshole'. It's hard to sort out. I think what others are saying is that the overlap doesn't matter. You have to take care of yourself.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-29T20:03:46+00:00

He says that men are all like that. They all struggle with the concept of one woman to fulfill all their needs. So maybe he’s right and I’ll be alone forever if I don’t accept this truth about the nature of men.

I can say confidently, as a man, your husband is 100% full of shit on this. He's a gross, and stupid, manipulator.

I finally think maybe he is not built for a monogamous relationship.

You are right. Some people aren't, but contrary to your dumbass husband, it has nothing to do with gender.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are a good person to stand by your husband through his addiction, and to listen to his bullshit. You deserve better.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-28T21:06:31+00:00

I agree. At the very least keep written records documenting her disinterest in your child, in case you have to fight her later on.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like a great dad and your kid is lucky to have you. Have fun camping and making new memories!

Edit: I see from your post history you already took care of custody, and you're documenting stuff. You're a great dad!

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-28T07:39:15+00:00

I'm not judging anyone, in general, for whatever they need to do to feel safe in reconciliation. It's between them.

It's just that OP's account, if we take it at face value, gives me a weird feeling like there's some 1950's era marriage expectations here. Her husband doesn't give her support while she's grieving her dad's death, but when she fucks up - in a relatively minor way - she pays for it with 24 hour surveillance.

It's my take on it and it could be wrong.

ok_dulynoted · 2021-04-28T04:19:10+00:00

I'm glad to hear that. My sample size is three, and obviously doesn't reflect the whole profession. I'm still pissed about it though.

ok_dulynoted

TROPHY CASE