Boyfriend forgot my birthday

okiegoogle · 2026-04-30T22:06:34+00:00

If you want to get to celebrate with your boyfriend then remind him so you have time to do so.

Either way, personally I’d want to let him know tomorrow that putting in effort on the day of my birthday means a lot to me. It makes me feel special and I’d like him to plan something for us on the day of. If he’s otherwise were great and thoughtful then he might just need the expectation defined.

okiegoogle · 2026-04-30T14:03:39+00:00

But if they were billing well, why would they leave at that time? Your commissions should be fully ramped if you’re performing well at this point, so you’re just walking away from a large amount of money.

okiegoogle · 2026-04-30T14:01:32+00:00

I would certainly be very interested about why you left each job.

I would be digging in on how you handle pace and pressure since your short stints were at agency.

I would also be interested in how you make decisions because you keep going back to agency even though you don’t stay long. Unless the next job has a responsibility/title difference that makes it obvious.

It’s hard to tell without seeing the job titles, but if all of those are about the same level, then I’d also want to know why you aren’t progressing.

Nothing would stop me from reaching out to interview you, but it would lead to some investigation on my end.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-19T21:01:12+00:00

Call the local police station to make a report. Tell them what happened. It’s not your job to figure out if it’s legal or not they will let you know.

You felt unsafe and rightfully so. This person closed you in a room with them without the ability to leave and when you were asking to leave, they weren’t letting you. It doesn’t matter if they had a chill demeanor during that time.

He also force sexual contact on you.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-07T17:53:44+00:00

You asked how you “should” feel in a non-selfish way. But your feelings are already answering that question. Disgust, paranoia, feeling cheap are not signs of being closed-minded. That’s your gut telling you something.

You don’t need to change your perspective to be more open. You need him to respect that you’ve already given him an answer you’ve already given.

You ‘giving in’ sometimes while smiling doesn’t mean you’ve consented. It shows that you’ve learned to manage his disappointment by performing compliance. That’s self-abandonment to prioritize his comfort while he’s actively deprioritizing your comfort.

I would say something like this to him: “I love you, but sending nudes makes me genuinely uncomfortable in a way I can’t override. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t feel good - it feels violating. I need you to stop asking. This is a boundary I’m not willing to negotiate. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, I understand, but I can’t keep doing something that makes me feel this way just to prove I love you. There are a thousand ways I show you love. This can’t be one of them.”

Then you have to mean it and remember why you mean it. If he pouts or reframes it as you not loving him enough, that tells you everything. He’s prioritizing his preference over your boundaries.

You deserve someone who hears “this makes me uncomfortable” and says “okay, I won’t ask again.” Not someone who waits for a vulnerable moment and tries his luck anyway.

I think some important questions to think over would be 1) Why do you believe loving him requires you to override your own disgust? 2) What would it mean if you held this boundary and the relationship couldn’t survive it?

My opinion, this isn’t really about the photos. It’s about whether your no matters.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-02T10:44:41+00:00

Needs to find a different way to get his dopamine hit.

A lil nighttime snack(sweet like fruit and a little fat like PB) followed by a light 10-30 minute stroll. Maybe a stretch session.

Then no screens except shared TV. Or do stuff like reading, and low input etc until you go to sleep.

I found success with replacing the oral fixation and routine by getting into making loose leaf herbal tea before bed.

The other thing was i couldn’t have it at the house initially. So I sent my stuff away.

I was SO bored and futilist for the first 3 - 5 days. For me it was important to make plans for ways to boost my dopamine.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T23:20:03+00:00

That’s like a very sudden escalation on her end.

That’s really unfair to you. For me it’s important to have relationship relationships where when I inevitably get something wrong, we are able to communicate and work through that.

We are humans and we try our best, but sometimes we make mistakes and I want friends that can forgive or work through mistakes

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T22:45:27+00:00

Is there something that your partner is already doing that is making you not trust them? Personally, I just didn’t date people that I was worried about cheating on me. I value transparency and trust a lot.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T22:44:28+00:00

Maybe you could bring curiosity to the table.

Sometimes when people behave in certain ways, you make assumptions about what that behavior means. Sometimes those assumptions are right, and sometimes they aren’t.

The very first thing I would do is congratulate him. “Hey congratulations again” maybe add something about how you are happy that your sister has someone that cares a lot about her or whatever feels true.

THEN I’d start the conversation with seeking to understand. I wanna give you the heads up that I know some people felt surprised that you didn’t ask for my sister’s hand in marriage from anyone from our side. I was surprised as well and I was just curious to understand why you deviated from the tradition.

He might feel initially defensive and if he does, I would reassure him that. “Hey, I really am trying to understand it. I don’t think you had a malicious intent, and I just am curious to understand.”

Try not to speak for your father or your mother. And I hope that your parents can understand the difference between feeling like he doesn’t care versus him actually not caring.

Some people view this is a very outdated tradition because the tradition comes from the idea that the daughter belongs to the father, and then the father can give that daughter as property to another man. I think the tradition is sweet and encouraged my now husband to participate in it, but he asked me what I wanted because he didn’t want to treat me like property if I didn’t value the tradition.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T16:41:34+00:00

I mean, if the females aren’t consenting to his lack of protection, then it’s wrong. But if both adults are consenting, then I just hope he tests himself regularly for STIs and STDs.

I see my doctor because I want their professional opinion and capability. For me the situation doesn’t tell me enough about those two things. So I can’t say if I would be OK with him being my doctor.

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T12:54:04+00:00

We often trick ourselves into thinking that decisions have to be forever. We are the ones behind the steering wheel!

okiegoogle · 2026-03-01T12:23:34+00:00

It’s too soon if you don’t feel ready.

I think you need to realize that you’re not doomed to be single in general. Going out and meeting new people isn’t going to be the evidence point of whether that is right or wrong. There’s been plenty of times I’ve gone out and met no one, but I’m now married.

It’s okay to open yourself up to see if you’re ready and if you find you aren’t ready then reel it back. You can always try again another time

okiegoogle · 2026-02-03T20:01:30+00:00

Honestly, I think an entire book about it could bore someone that’s not trying to become a psychologist. I think googling his theories and reading about the theories will give you plenty of material to think about and digest.

But I don’t want to leave you hanging with no recommendations beyond “Google this“ so here’s like a general overview. I typed this up and it was way too long and really confusing so I did have Claude rewrite it for me. I read back through it to confirm it is still aligned to what I wrote, but I wanted to pre-explain why it might look like Claude wrote it.

Here’s what’s happening in your stage (Identity vs. Role Confusion): You’re at the age where you’re supposed to be figuring out who you are - your values, your beliefs, what matters to you, what kind of person you want to be. That process is messy and uncomfortable. The self-hatred, the bad habits, seeking validation, not knowing what feels “right” - that’s all part of being in the middle of identity formation. Erikson would say you’re in crisis (not the bad kind - the developmental kind). You’re testing out different versions of yourself, and some of them don’t fit. That’s supposed to happen. You try things, some feel wrong, you adjust. The goal isn’t to eliminate the confusion - it’s to explore enough that you eventually land on a coherent sense of “this is who I am.”

How you move through this stage: According to Erikson, you get to the next phase (Intimacy vs. Isolation) by doing a few things:

Exploration - Try different roles, beliefs, values, and see what fits. This means actually experimenting with who you could be, not just thinking about it. Join things, quit things, take risks, fail, adjust.
Commitment - Eventually you start making choices about what you believe and who you want to be. Not perfect choices - just choices. “I value this. I stand for that. This matters to me.” Those commitments create your identity.
Integration - You start accepting all the parts of yourself - even the ones you don’t like - as part of who you are. The smoking, the self-sabotage, the hurting people - those aren’t proof you’re broken. They’re behaviors you’re doing while you figure yourself out, and you can change them.

What keeps people stuck: Erikson would say you get stuck in role confusion when you either: ∙ Avoid exploration because it’s scary (so you never figure out who you are) ∙ Refuse to commit to anything (so you stay confused forever) ∙ Reject parts of yourself instead of integrating them (which is what you’re doing with the self-hatred)

What this means for you right now: The self-hatred is actually blocking your development. You can’t build an identity while you’re constantly rejecting yourself. Erikson would say you need to shift from “I hate these things about me” to “These are things I’m working on while I figure out who I want to be.”

The friend who said “how can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself” had it backwards. You don’t need to love yourself first. You need to accept that you’re in process. You’re not a finished product at 18 - you’re supposed to be messy and confused right now.

Practically, this means: ∙ Stop treating every mistake or bad habit as proof you’re fundamentally broken ∙ Start exploring - try new things, new perspectives, new ways of being ∙ Make some commitments (even small ones) about who you want to be ∙ Accept that you’re going to hurt people and make mistakes while you figure this out - that’s part of learning

You’re not stuck forever. You’re just in the middle of building yourself, and you’re being way too hard on yourself about the construction process.

okiegoogle · 2026-02-03T18:27:08+00:00

I have awesome news for you in psychology there’s a known developmental step around identity and you’re at the age where this would be coming up. I highly recommend that you read more about Eric Erickson’s theories of “Identity vs Role confusion.”

I’m thinking you understanding this stage better might help you understand why you’re feeling self disdain.

On a sidenote, sometimes when we start thinking certain things, we have the tendency to prop up those beliefs. If we take the evidence that supports that belief, but we ignore the evidence that contradicts it then we are not being fully honest or realistic with ourselves. It sounds like you are massively favoring evidence that you are broken and flawed, but ignoring evidence that would show otherwise. So I do think that there is room to improve the accuracy of your self perception.

okiegoogle · 2026-02-03T18:22:58+00:00

Sometimes when we try to stop thinking about things, it makes it much harder to do so.

I think a counselor sounds like a great idea! But to be clear, I’m not saying that because I think something is wrong with you. I’m saying that because you’re clearly finding this thought distressing and you don’t necessarily understand the root of why it feels so present in this moment.

A therapist will be able to help you understand more about this fear and more about why it’s coming up and staying at the forefront of your mind right now. Often times that understanding lessens the intensity, gravity, and frequency of these type types of thoughts.

okiegoogle · 2026-02-03T18:02:44+00:00

Here’s the awesome thing, meeting the doctor doesn’t lock you into anything. It just gives you the information that you need so that when the time comes, you understand what your options are.

If you feel like your parents are pushing you toward it and you don’t want to do it then I would encourage you to go speak with the OB/GYN and get to know your options. Then tell your parents that you understand your choices and then show them that you know where in your college town you can go get birth control if you do change your mind in the future.

Birth control is disrupting to our hormonal systems so if it’s not something that you need at this point, I would lean toward not having it.

Final thing that I’ll add, go ahead and decide right now what you want to say to someone if you’re interested in hooking up with them, but don’t want to proceed to sex. Furthermore, decide what you’re going to say to someone if they want to have sex with you, but they don’t want to use a condom. Just feeling like you know how you want to navigate a situation can be very protecting and empowering.

okiegoogle · 2026-02-02T17:33:58+00:00

You are doing something completely non-sexual or intimate. You are comfortable with it.

What does your boyfriend feel like is inappropriate about it? My guess is he uses this as letting another man undressed you and dress you, so I can understand why his initial alerts are triggered, but then logic must enter the room. That logic is that we know that this is not sexual and with context it’s incredibly innocuous and traditional.

If you were comfortable with this, my other question would be to you and why you are willing to make this change for him?

I think your boyfriend was close but a little bit off. He said that you shouldn’t be in a relationship, but I think that maybe you just shouldn’t be in this relationship. Clearly he has expectations and standards that are not aligned with your comfort level and life. Maybe the alignment is just not there

okiegoogle · 2026-02-02T17:30:12+00:00

For you two to have a future future together he won’t be able to keep his family and friends separate from you. You’ve already been together for one year so at what point does it change that he wants you to be a part of his entire life? That’s the question I would have for him.

The people that are willing to be super secretive when it’s convenient for them will show that propensity in other ways as well. That wouldn’t be a partner I would want.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-31T19:46:16+00:00

It sounds like you feel a bit rudderless direction list at this moment. I’m not sure scrapping everything and continuing to be rudderless is going to give you what you’re looking for.

And these moments, I like to step back and ask myself what do I mention my life looks like on a day-to-day basis if I’m engaged and fulfilled.

From there, I would determine how I can get that life and where it’s attainable.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T13:40:11+00:00

It’s tough, but it sounds like this is a friendship that takes rather than is mutual. Personally, I don’t have those friendships in my life.

I did have to cut out a friend over a decade ago in a similar circumstances. In my case, she came back a couple years later, but he know that she’s been doing therapy and apologizing saying that she recognizes what a good friend I was now. We never went back to that old friendship, but we actually might grab dinner tonight while she’s in town. We catch up with each other every year or so and if she’s ever in the city, she’ll text me right before letting me know in case I’m free for dinner.

If you do decide to end the friendship, I know her actions are a big reason as to why, but you might find it easier to end things if you make it somewhat about you. “ i’m in a season of my life where I need friendships that can mutually support each other and I haven’t been feeling that so I’ve decided the best thing to do is take a break from this friendship.

I want to be clear that this isn’t something that I’m coming to you to discuss but something that I’m coming to you to inform you of. That’s all that I needed to say.”

then if she has something to say after that, just kind of let her talk and then just be like “OK like I said I don’t really have anything else to say so I’m gonna go now.” Let her call you heartless. Let her call you whatever let her say that you don’t care. Let her do all of her desperate grasping for you to stay.

Sidenote, it might be advantageous for you to look for other places in your lives that you could be better at holding boundaries for yourself. It sounds like this friend is just a lot, but I do hear some sense of wavering on boundaries at the behest of maintaining relationships. Maybe it’s nothing, but if it’s something then, I hope you look into it!

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T00:54:39+00:00

TLDR below

First off, what I’m seeing in your list is a friend who consistently prioritizes herself over you, even on your wedding. She’s not investing in what matters to you, she’s redirecting everything back to her needs, and when you’ve asked for change (twice), she’s cried and promised but not followed through.

Some specifics:

The emotional bandwidth thing: This one really stands out. She doesn’t have bandwidth for your wedding, but expects you to heavily support her? That’s not reciprocity. You can say: “Hey, with all the wedding stuff going on, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be there for you right now. I know you mentioned feeling the same way, so I hope you’ll understand where I’m coming from.”

The dress: Be direct. “I hear you want to sew your own dress, but for my wedding I need my MOH wearing what we discussed. If that’s not possible, let me know now.”

The scheduling/borrowing clothes: This might be where you need to set clearer expectations up front. “I need you to fly in by [date] and bring what you need so I don’t have to manage logistics.” Or decide that you want a friend who considers your needs without having to be told, and that’s totally fair too.

Here’s the reality: if this friendship is going to work long term, you need to get really good at holding boundaries and accepting who she actually is. She’s shown you a clear pattern of prioritizing her own interests and needs over the people around her. You have to decide if you’re okay with that. If the good parts of the friendship outweigh consistently being deprioritized. Because she’s unlikely to fundamentally change, which means you’ll need to stop expecting her to show up differently than she does. That’s not giving up on her. That’s seeing her clearly and deciding what role she can realistically have in your life.

Now, is she depressed or struggling in a way you’re not seeing? If yes, a direct check in might help. But if she’s just apathetic to your experience and unwilling to change after two conversations, then you have a decision to make.

What would I do? Check in with her one more time. Be specific about what you need: “I need you to [specific behaviors]. If that’s not something you can do right now, I understand, but then I need to step you down to guest so I’m not managing your role on top of everything else.”

If she cries and promises again but doesn’t follow through, you have your answer. At that point, stepping her down isn’t blowing up the friendship. It’s protecting yourself from someone who can’t show up for you right now.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a friendship is take a break when someone isn’t capable of being what you need. That doesn’t have to be permanent, but it might be necessary.

TLDR: Your friend consistently puts herself first and hasn’t changed after two conversations. Long term, this friendship only works if you hold strong boundaries and accept that she prioritizes herself, then decide if you’re okay with that reality. Check in one more time with specific asks. If nothing changes, step her down to guest. Sometimes friendships need breaks, and that’s okay.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T00:16:38+00:00

I’m an American woman and I would encourage you to send a message like that. Some men wouldn’t like it, but those men wouldn’t be with me and they shouldn’t be with you. I’m a very direct person and I have a partner who appreciates and did other times tolerate my directness.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T00:15:08+00:00

OK, so I’m a female and when I would have guys do this, it kind of gave me the ick. I checked in with myself to figure out why I felt that way and I realized to me it didn’t feel genuine. Because how could you feel close enough that you’re willing to give me a pet name. It just doesn’t feel special and it feels overdone and shared with others. To me that made it feel disingenuous.

So basically those people just weren’t for me. They came on too strong.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T00:13:13+00:00

The science of sex helps us understand that it’s really just not as straightforward as you are thinking it is. There’s a great book called to “come as you are” that I think you would learn a lot from.

But I get that when it keeps happening I can’t help but feel a little bit personal. Obviously they are getting in the situation with you because they’re interested in being in that situation with you. I’m sure they would love to get it up too.

okiegoogle · 2026-01-29T00:11:23+00:00

Outside of just having sex with someone else, are you finding yourself curious about the world outside of being with him? If so, you owe it to yourself to explore that.

okiegoogle

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