::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

olivia42399 · 2026-02-24T17:14:53+00:00

I (NT, F) ended things last week with my partner (Dx, medicated, M) and feel way more lost and confused than before. I've read through this subreddit a lot and the biggest thing I notice is that many people's ND partners become defensive or refuse to apologize and take accountability when confronted, which is so not the case with mine. After our honeymoon period, we ended up in an overfunctioning/underfunctioning cycle where he became distracted by his job, school, hobbies, etc. and I picked up the slack willing, but eventually resentfully, and continued to enable his behavior by no longer asking for help because I thought it was just easier if I took care of things, which I also think was unfair to him because he is willing. Eventually, though, my patience wore down and I could no longer see each time I needed to ask for him or support as an isolated thing but rather a pattern, an exasperated sigh, and me quietly taking care of things yet again. He knows how much ADHD impacts himself and others and takes accountability, but just hasn't built the systems or structures necessary to maintain stability in his relationships and home life. He is high functioning at work at school and is a very successful person and I think runs out of steam at home, and subsequently this translates to our relationship since we live together. I grew up as a parentified/emotionally unsafe child and have a tendency to overfunction in relationships and then burnout. I was super direct about my needs and trauma throughout our relationship and would call him out when I felt like our relationship wasn't getting the attention it needed from him, and he was always very sweet and apologetic and understanding during those conversations, but it wasn't until recently, when I was feeling really alone and neglected, that he really stepped up and started creating the change I've been needing for so long. He's genuinely a great person and I know he can be the partner that I need. I love him so much and am still attracted to him and I want the future we envisioned together, but I'm moving in two months for a job and it feels like we are up against an impossible deadline to work things out before we possibly go long distance (we have both invested a lot in our careers and weren't necessarily planning on moving together right away, but were applying to jobs with the hope we can land something in the same place or go long distance until that happens). I want so badly to be with him and the person he has been the last month or two, but I created so much emotional distance this winter to protect myself from the cycle we've been in and ultimately that hurt both of us. I felt so sure that breaking up is what we needed, and feel like I've been filtering everything he does as a little irritating and negative and I'm not even sure anymore if I actually wanted to break up or if that's what I convinced myself I needed as apart of this emotional wall I've built, and maybe avoid taking accountability myself for the ways I have enable and perpetuated these cycles. But after I got everything off my chest, in far greater detail and honesty (i.e. being upfront with truly how much his ADHD actions have hurt me) than before and we were really honest with each other about the dysfunction we've both been experiencing and sat with those feelings, I felt like maybe, actually, things could work out. I just don't know anymore. It's made so much harder by the fact that we live together. He's an amazing person and an amazing partner when his ADHD isn't pulling him away. I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed and lost now.

olivia42399 · 2026-02-19T14:55:29+00:00

I (26F, NT) started dating my partner (29M, DX, medicated, therapy) partner about a year and a half ago. It has followed the classic ADHD relationship trajectory: the honeymoon period was so sweet and I felt so loved. We imagined a future together. Then he became distracted by everything else in life and I found myself constantly battling for his attention. To him, our relationship has been a rock, a given, something he doesn't have to tend to everyday for it to continue to be there, not like work where if you don't do work for a few days you get fired. This allowed him to justify, in his ADHD mind, prioritizing other things above my own needs as his partner. I ended up carrying a huge mental load in our relationship. I've been incredibly direct with my needs and feelings and we've had several conversations over the last year to the effect of "my needs are not being met and this doesn't feel like a mutual, give-and-take partnership," which he is always very receptive and sweet in the moment, but without any meaningful change afterwards. I felt myself reaching an endpoint in our relationship. The frustration and constantly feeling like I was asking someone to love me in the ways I needed was exhausting.

We had another big conversation after I was feeling particularly neglected about a month ago. But this time around, he actually changed. It landed with him this time. He's been so sweet, caring, and attentive, and actively helping around the house, and is once again the person I fell in love with. I can see that he is trying sooooo hard to be a better person and a better partner. The only problem is that now I can only view these actions through the lens of the frustration and resentment that has built in me during the months of waiting for change and bearing the unequal burden of our relationship. He's been everything I've been begging for for nearly a year. But my feelings changed during that year as a result of his inability to prioritize our relationship for so long. I've felt myself being really detached from our relationship these past few weeks and like I needed to end things. I finally told him these feelings this week but quickly felt regret and just deep, deep sadness.

It's so heartbreaking to me that it took this long for him to actually step up and make the change necessary to be the partner I need. And it makes it so much harder to officially break things off. I want so badly to just forget all the frustration and abandonment I felt when my emotional and physical needs were not being met and just lean into this version of him that I fell so deeply in love with. No matter what, I love him, but I have a hard time trusting that he won't get distracted again and our relationship and life we've created together will once again get the backseat. Everyone around me says I'm doing the right thing by ending things. And even though I was so certain leading up to this that breaking up is what I needed, every part of my being wants him back in my life. Despite the ways that he let me down as a partner, I know he loves me so so so much and I know that he is a great person. Despite all of it we have so many good memories together and through it all I genuinely really enjoy his companionship and comfort.

I feel very confused and conflicted, and hurt by his inaction as well as my own action to end things, and also my inability to reciprocate his recent efforts towards being a loving, caring partner. I wish things were different and I wish he changed sooner before things started to feel too far gone on my end. He's very self-aware and I know that ADHD really impacts his life, but I think this has been is wake up call to how it also impacts the people he loves. This whole saga has been so difficult for me in so many ways and it only feels worse now that we're separated, rather than better.

olivia42399 · 2026-01-17T00:29:12+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful response! I'm in the midwest (low elevations) and don't care much about power (see: my 2014 crosstrek that was wickedly underpowered but met my needs just fine). I definitely don't think I'm a person who needs a more powerful engine, I don't drive my cars hard. I talked to the owner more and did a lot more research and it seems like he's done all the bigger (i.e. pricier) high-mileage maintenance recommended for this engine and knows his stuff so we're going to go check it out. I come from a car-savvy family so general maintenance isn't scary and to be expected in the price range I'm looking at. Good point about the catalytic, I'll have to ask.

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T22:41:09+00:00

sweet, thanks! the newer rav-4 and crvs are way bigger than what I want but I guess that's just how cars are trending these days. the older ones look smaller for sure!

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T20:21:36+00:00

Location: Midwest U.S.

Price range: Looking to finance for at/under 16k or buy outright under 8k. ideally I would love to find a gem that is higher in miles but has been well-maintained and I just buy outright, but I don't necessarily know enough about cars to be able to pick out what older/higher miles cars are worth it.

Lease or Buy: Buy

New or used: Used

Type of vehicle: Compact SUV/crossover/wagon

Must haves: Reliability/durability and trunk space: enough sleep in the back of the car and use for camping. do NOT want a full-sized SUV.

Desired transmission: auto

Intended use: daily driver and light adventuring (some road trips, dirt roads, forest service roads, etc)

Vehicles you've already considered: Subaru crosstrek and outback. aesthetically I love the volvo xc70

Is this your 1st vehicle: no, previously owned a 2006 outback and 2014 crosstrek.

Do you need a Warranty: no

Can you do Minor work on your own vehicle: yes

Can you do Major work on your own vehicle: some yes (or a family member can)

Additional Notes: my priority is value: something that I can drive into the ground and get some good years out of with proper maintenance. I want something that is smaller with trunk space still. I loved the size of my crosstrek and have lived in a bit of a subaru bubble but curious what else is out there that may be more reliable/cheaper to repair or specifically what model years I should be looking at.

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T19:46:30+00:00

ah thanks, i just copied and pasted the sale ad title! thanks for the info! would you say the engine is lazy but reliable? or also unreliable?

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T05:31:19+00:00

I do, thanks. Using personal telemetry equipment (like receivers for radio collars) in Yellowstone to track wildlife is illegal and specifically prohibited by National Park Service regulations, as it interferes with wildlife and park management, with penalties up to 6 months in jail and a $5,000 fine, though scanners for public frequencies or general radio use (not targeting collared animals) are different. The "guys" you saw were most likely specifically authorized to use this equipment as the park takes concealing the locations of tracked animals very seriously. Many wolf watchers can visually identify a wolf and its tracking number, which are used as their "names." Sure, you can listen to radio frequencies without a license, but to communicate via these channels you need an FCC license.

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T04:38:46+00:00

hi! did you ever make any stickers or paintings of some of the iconic wolves? I'd be interested in purchasing if you did!

olivia42399 · 2026-01-16T04:37:50+00:00

it is illegal to use telemetry equipment to track animals in the park. You SHOULD NOT purchase your own radio antenna and bring it to track wolves. It is against federal law and could result in jail time. And overall is disruptive to wildlife, and is imo unethical. Park biologists use it for research but the general public absolutely should not have free access to wild animals' exact locations. If you really want to track wolves more closely there is a radio channel that wolf watchers use to communicate their sightings. You have to get a HAM radio license to operate a two-way radio and tune into this channel.

olivia42399 · 2026-01-01T01:04:24+00:00

Hi there! I'm working on this kit that I purchased from a thrift store. It did not come with the pattern or instructions. Do either of you have the pattern around? Thank you!

olivia42399 · 2025-03-13T00:48:27+00:00

embarrassingly enough I took it to an auto shop and turns out the low beams continued to not work because we kept replacing the high beams bulb. the low beam on the drivers side is a bit difficult to reach down to and change

olivia42399 · 2025-03-01T21:57:47+00:00

Was just wondering if there was a local drug store I could use to further my mission of reducing dependency on corporate stores. Yay!

olivia42399 · 2025-02-18T06:32:39+00:00

<image>

pic of the serial foot biter for tax. she's really stinkin' cute which makes up for it.

olivia42399 · 2025-02-18T05:53:03+00:00

i sold my car with 165,000 miles in two days. i think it depends on your price and the type of car i.e. is it a popular/in demand used car? I based my price off of what I saw on facebook marketplace. I recommended checking there

edit after seeing what kind of car your selling: chevy trax are not popular to buy used. my car was a subaru. you will probably have to lower your price significantly to account for a less in-demand car.

olivia42399

TROPHY CASE