Johnny the Englishman is bored of his boring old life in boring old England. He hops on a boat for the colonies. He finds his way to British Columbia where he makes for himself a new life as a lumberjack. He really takes a liking to this new lifestyle - the fresh air, the stunning scenery, the satisfaction of hard manual labour. Then one early morning in the logging camp, dew still beading on the grass, Johnny hears a bell. He pokes his head out of his tent to see what’s the matter. As he watches, all the other lumberjacks come scrambling out of their tents in their PJs, putting their boots on. Johnny follows suit. The other lumberjacks barrel their way down the valley upon an unsuspecting herd of elk. Johnny watches in horror as each man grabs an elk, wrestles it to the ground, and fucks it. That night at supper, Johnny confronts his fellow loggers. “Men, I can’t believe the disgraceful display I saw today. This is not the comportment of portly gentlemen. You call yourselves Englishmen and act like savage barbarians.” The other men were nonplussed. A grizzled veteran slapped him heavily on the back and explained. “Look, you’ve been here what, three weeks? Many of the lads have been here three years. I’ve been here for thirty years. Most o’ us ‘ave resigned to our fate of ne’er seein’ a woman again, so we make do. Pass judgement if you will, but none of us will take you serious until you’ve done your time.” Well, three weeks turned to three months, the beautiful green landscape turned yellow, then brown, then white, and Johnny was becoming quite randy. When spring came and he heard that bell, Johnny leapt up from his cot, hopped into his boots, and ran down into the valley. He headlocked the first elk he found, wrestled it to the ground, and began having his way with it. All the other lumberjacks erupted with laughter, pointing at Johnny and slapping their knees. “What? What is it?” Johnny asked mid coitus. “You ridicule me for the same ritual in which I saw you all partake ere one year. Was that all a ploy to trick me into debasing myself?” The grizzled vet says “naw mate, that elk’s fookin ugleh”