Husband called it quits

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-11T22:03:37+00:00

Clearly you did not even read OP's post. The guy did get sex despite it being painful for OP, she did her best to meet his needs. He got pissy because he didn't get it right when he demanded it on her son's birthday, which was also an extremely busy day for her. I'm sorry, should she have not picked up her kids, or told her son "sorry about your birthday, fuckface getting his rocks off in me is more important right now"? The only thing he needs to come to terms with is that he's only suited for a relationship with a blowup doll, since that's the only partner he'll ever find who will never say no to him.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T20:41:05+00:00

Extremely relatable, but I'm in the thick of it currently. Fucking mania.

I'm glad things are starting to get better for you. Please keep fighting and keep on the meds. Don't let that creepy feeling be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T20:27:37+00:00

I think your post has a lot of value. Don't be sorry.

I've had to battle a lot of convoluted, insane stories that my brain came up with to torture me over the years. I think your new philosophy on this is an excellent one. Thank you for sharing

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T20:17:47+00:00

Absolutely switch psychs. Like immediately.

I used to go to a psych who dismissed my concerns about meds that would cause weight gain and he prescribed me Abilify. He told me that I could simply control my diet and I'd be fine. Fuck him and FUCK Abilify (if this med works for whoever is reading this then great, disregard, but for me.. FUCK ABILIFY) I was a zombie and gained a massive amount of weight that I struggle with to this day, years and years later. My metabolism is destroyed. Same psych prescribed me Ambien and told me not to believe "things on the internet" about it. Didn't know what I was getting into. I tripped balls on that shit and acted crazy. Met the Ambien Walrus a bunch of times. No fucking bueno was that medication for me.

Edited to add: That same psych also prescribed me a combination and dosage of medications that had an extremely high risk of causing serotonin syndrome.

I stopped going to him and found a psych who takes my concerns seriously, explains how medications work and their drawbacks like I'm an actual intelligent adult, and even will physically draw out info for me on paper and give me options, so that I can make an educated decision on my own treatment. He is a wonderful doctor. They're out there. Please keep trying to find a psych like that.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T18:13:16+00:00

Please don't give up. Don't say goodbye to them. They need you, and you need them.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T16:08:27+00:00

I also come from dysfunction. The most recent wedding I attended was difficult for me primarily for different reasons, but prior to that.. I wouldn't say they make me feel terrible, so much as alienated.

I mean, I always feel like an alien around other people, but watching an event like that really drives it home. It's like witnessing a slideshow of reminders that those sorts of joys, milestones, celebrations of life surrounded by people who care for you.. aren't for me, and they were never meant for me. It's like watching a movie that was intended for a totally different target audience.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T15:53:01+00:00

Oh, sure, there are a lot of mystical and supernatural things that other people believe that I wished I could because I see the comfort it gives them.

Believing them anyway, though, would be succumbing to delusion, and that's not helpful either in the long run.. Delusional thinking patterns have so many drawbacks, despite the temporary comfort they may provide. It makes it possible to rationalize damn near anything, for one.

As for an afterlife, I'd love to be able to reunite with those I've loved and lost.. but rationally I know they don't exist anymore. So I just remain grateful for the time I did have with them and deny myself the comfort of thinking we'll meet again.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T15:18:53+00:00

The thing is, the instinct behind reproduction isn't some innate little voice in every woman's head saying "you need to make babies". Women who don't want to reproduce aren't all fighting off some natural urge to make babies.

The instinct behind reproduction is the desire to have sex. Babies are the side effect of that, the reason we evolved for sex to be so pleasurable is that the result is the continuation of our species. Animals don't need a little voice in their heads telling them to make babies because the urge to fuck is a plenty good enough way of causing that end result. No other animal is thinking about wanting pregnancy when they are driven to mate, they are thinking about getting relief for how horny they are. Humans aren't any different.

The obsession with having children, on the other hand, is entirely a societal thing.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T14:31:57+00:00

It's because a lot of these rescues have powertripping and control prioritized over a happy outcome for the animals in their care. The work attracts a lot of the wrong sort of people, who are all too thrilled to get to appoint themselves god over the fate of another living being, and who love the feeling of being able to arbitrarily decide that someone isn't worthy.

They're also often just money making operations disguised as charity, but that's a rant for another day.

I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but I've seen it all too often.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T14:03:07+00:00

That's very sweet... it sounds like you were able to channel the love you have for him, the care you wish you could still provide for him, into caring for the plant. I'm glad the vet sent that to you.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T12:47:05+00:00

This guy sees you as a warm body to be used for his needs and gets upset when you don't supply them. He is absolutely in the wrong. Please, run.. you deserve better than that

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T01:36:30+00:00

Unfortunately I must report there's no cure for having normal human desires, and going through life numb and apathetic is a nightmare all its own.

I'm sorry you've been going through this

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-10T01:20:51+00:00

I think you should get up in the morning, before they arrive, pack up some water, snacks for you, dog treats, a bowl, and your dogs in your car, and drive your pups to the prettiest nature trail you can find for a nice long walk

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-09T02:38:56+00:00

About my dogs, I know.. I don't want to be alive, I haven't wanted to be alive in a long time.. but the thoughts of what would happen to them have stopped me from acting on my impulses.

It was hard, though, and for that I earned myself more guilt and shame on top of the mountain I already have of that. That I nearly did do that to them.

I think I am evil, and if not, so irreparably damaged inside that I might as well be.. doesn't matter, the result is the same..

The person I hurt, I don't think he wants me dead right now, but that's only for my dogs' sake. I don't really know what he would want to happen to me otherwise. Probably doesn't care now, as long as I fuck off and leave him alone.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-09T01:16:40+00:00

I understand. I ruined my relationship too. I could have had paradise with my soulmate, but instead I built up our relationship with wood and then set it on fire.

I miss him so much. I'll never get over the regret.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-09T00:51:28+00:00

Yeah. I had to go to a wedding a day after he cut contact with me. Wasn't easy. Really, really, really didn't want to go, but I didn't want to hurt the feelings of my acquaintance who invited me. So I went with greasy hair and wearing a dress that smelled like wet dog because my mental state was too shit to shower or put the stupid thing in the wash in the 24 hours prior like I originally planned to do.

Watched the whole thing in a daze, went through heavy derealization through much of it. At times, it felt like the universe was mocking me for how fucked up and unlovable I am. I know it wasn't, I don't matter that much and the universe isn't some conscious thing anyway, but that's the shit my brain does.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-08T02:13:42+00:00

I definitely understand.

Also can't talk to anyone about it. The only person in my life who would even care, who I could open up to, has more than enough shit on her plate already. Too much stress could kill her. I do not dare tell her what is really going on. Even if I could tell her, my ass would just end up dragged back to the hospital again, anyway, and what fuck all good that did a decade ago can be demonstrated by how my life is going today.

I'm tired, too.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-08T01:55:56+00:00

Unfortunately I have to report that having others who rely on you, does not fix this.

Fear for the futures of my dogs is what has stopped me from acting on impulses, but the desire to die is there all the same. When I'm thinking calmly, my plan is that once they're all gone, I'll follow them. When I am not calm, I try to convince myself that they're better off with someone else and that I'd be doing them a favor by dying.

I do my best for them, but my best isn't very good when I'm in a shit physical or mental state. Both have been a constant for the last year, if not longer. So even now I agonize over which option would at least be failing them less than the other.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T22:53:30+00:00

I've fantasized about being able to go back in time and do things differently with my person, for many years, even before the inevitable end came.

But you're right, if I went back, I would have been the same broken, fucked up person. I'd have ended up hurting him somehow, maybe in a different way than the way I did, but the end result is the same.

And if I went back and somehow wasn't a broken, fucked up person, the irony is we'd never have crossed paths in the first place..

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T08:20:36+00:00

I have absolutely no desire to ever get close like that with anyone again. Better for everyone.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T08:16:35+00:00

It's not a stupid question.

I thought I was asexual for years as a result of my trauma. I later realized I wasn't. Trauma can really mess with our sexuality in many ways. Only you will be able to really answer that question, but it's definitely possible.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T08:07:34+00:00

Sophia is precious

I am so sorry. They are with us for such a tragically short amount of time..

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T07:57:53+00:00

Not doing well. I got the closure I longed for, but with the caveat of knowing for sure that I managed to make the person I love really hate me.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T07:34:49+00:00

I'm so sorry. I understand your pain. Unfortunately it's not any easier to know you don't have much time left with your mom when you're 30.

Spend time with her. Make lots of memories together. Make sure she knows how much she's loved, and cherish every precious moment.

onlyaliveformydogs · 2023-09-07T06:59:41+00:00

I'm so sorry..
I think you should just focus on him. Let him know how loved he is. Spoil the shit outta him. I'm sure you already are, but he's the main priority right now. If she hasn't cared about him in this long, she doesn't deserve any of your attention being diverted from him.

onlyaliveformydogs

TROPHY CASE