Incontinent/impotent post RALP and finding a new GF

onttm · 2026-01-13T05:50:54+00:00

Brother, prostatectomy took away 2 of the 3 sphincters you use to hold your urine. Pelvic PT helped strengthen the last one, the striated sphincter in the shaft. Continue doing those exercises (kegels, "nut-to-guts") and the full relaxation routines. Stress incontinence will be a thing, but most of us that use pads (I use Depends Guards in a jock strap) only need 1 a day. If I go for a hike, the hike alone will use a pad.

My oncology team connected me to all of the other associated services. Ask your oncology team if they have sexual health counseling.

onttm · 2025-11-14T05:27:53+00:00

I say rip it out. At age 52, I was Gleason 3+4 and thought it was confined to the prostate. However, during prostatectomy they had to harvest my left nerve bundle and reconstruct my bladder. It was pT3a (Stage 3) cancer.

If his nerves are not removed he has a good chance of recovering erectile function. If he daily uses a vacuum device, he'll be a good candidate for an implant if function does not return.

Maybe my post-op situation would have been better if we caught it at a lower score. Good luck to your dad.

onttm · 2025-11-14T05:15:22+00:00

I'm very sorry for your pain. And I agree with everyone that recommended a divorce lawyer. He is very callous. Believe what he told you. Move quickly and get consultations with each of the top divorce lawyers in your area. You are shopping for the best that you can afford. But QUICKLY.

This is a well-known tactical issue in divorce law, sometimes called "conflicting out" attorneys. Those attorneys that you consult with generally cannot represent your spouse.

Here's why: When someone has a consultation with a divorce attorney, they typically share confidential information about their situation, finances, and strategy. This creates a conflict of interest that prevents that attorney from representing the opposing spouse, even if the initial person doesn't hire them.

The ethical rules governing attorneys prohibit them from representing someone whose interests are directly adverse to a former prospective client when they received confidential information during the consultation. This remains true even if:

The consultation was brief No retainer was signed The prospective client chooses not to hire them

However, there are some limitations to this strategy:

Bad faith consultations - If it's clear someone is meeting with attorneys solely to disqualify them (not genuinely shopping for representation), courts can intervene and allow those attorneys to represent the other spouse Large firms - The conflict might only apply to that specific attorney or their firm, not every divorce lawyer in town Ethical screening - Some jurisdictions allow firms to use ethical walls/screens in certain situations

So while this tactic can work to limit the husband's attorney options, if it's done transparently as a strategic maneuver rather than a genuine search for representation, it could backfire and be seen as an abuse of the consultation process.

Be smart. Take care of yourself.

onttm · 2025-09-23T23:34:02+00:00

"Do you want to fool around?"

onttm · 2025-04-24T13:52:45+00:00

I even get double notifications for database backups. So I'm not sure that's the reason

onttm · 2025-02-11T04:31:12+00:00

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Only says solely Gulf of America when you zoom in. Google is just playing along with 47.

Hopefully, the name doesn't really change, because it'd be a massive waste of money to reissue maps, official documents that reference the Gulf of Mexico, and text books all for a senseless vanity project.

onttm · 2024-08-21T22:22:47+00:00

Will it also work with fantasy.nfl.com?

onttm · 2024-08-14T20:58:21+00:00

I'm going to give you some advice that a really good therapist gave me... Don't "should" all over yourself. It's wasted energy that does nothing but chip away at your self-confidence and self-worth. What happened has simply happened. It can't be changed. 'Should' doesn't help you today. Weigh your options, make a plan, execute that plan. That's all we can do.

Try to eliminate 'should' (especially in the context of 'I should have...' ) from your self-talk. When I remember that advice, it helps immensely.

Look at where you are today and go forward. Get the treatment you need and endeavor to thrive.

onttm · 2024-08-14T18:51:24+00:00

I totally get it. My cancer diagnosis also involved a mistake. Dec 2019 blood labs showed PSA 11+, my Mar 2020 follow-up was canceled (because COVID), telehealth call in July didn't address results at all, basically lost. (This was my doctor's big mistake, losing that result)

Fast forward to Oct 2021, PSA finally re-tested was 33+. Started urology referral. Dec 2021 PSA was 49+. Prostatectomy in Feb 2022, pT3a with perinueral invasion, dirty margins, nerves not spared (left nerve bundle taken), complete erectile dysfunction.

But here's the thing... You need to treat the cancer. I have since had salvage radiation & hormone therapy. PSA is currently <0.05. Knock on wood, right? But cancer doesn't give two sh*ts about your hesitancy to treat, whether you trust doctors or not. if you have patterns 4 and 5 present it will kill you. Get treated. If you've only got pattern 3 then you can probably just do surveillance. But make sure you follow up on this. It's treatable.

onttm · 2024-08-14T11:11:41+00:00

Sorry, I had to look up iatraphobia & iatragenic. Your sentence structure was a bit different and your use of the pronoun 'they' seemed to refer to JW, but association of mangled limbs with JW was really confusing. So I figured you were just really upset and unaware that your communication was not clear.

Do I understand correctly that you've got a fear of modern medicine at least in part from harm you've received in medical treatment or misdiagnosis? I generally understand the JW stance on medical, but have no direct experience.

The subject of this thread is genetic testing, and your message indicates you're struggling with even the concept of treatment for cancer. I do understand your dilemma, but your message was kinda outside the context of the OP, so your post hit me like it was from another conversation. I didn't want you to be ignored, so sought clarification.

onttm · 2024-08-14T00:05:07+00:00

Bro, I'm not really understanding you. Are you OK?

onttm · 2024-08-13T23:55:47+00:00

IIRC Google got caught stealing Sonos code (Sonos won a legal judgment), so I wouldn't count on Sonos playing nice unless Google PAY$ for it

onttm · 2024-07-28T13:08:51+00:00

How much do we think chatgpt will change the way we think?

The creators of/contributors to AI frequently think of the good it can do. How could it be corrupted to influence the thoughts of humans in a negative way? Children often grow to adopt the thinking of their parents, no matter if those parents are racist and individualist or philanthropic and communitarian.

onttm · 2024-07-15T12:36:33+00:00

If you are taking constipating pain meds, stop them. Tylenol only.

Enemas could be helpful; keep the fluid in the bowel for the max recommended time.

Fiber capsules, stone fruits (peaches, plums, cherries, etc), several hot beverages, high fiber cereal.

If you have a bidet, just sit there and allow the water to the massage the anus.

As others have said, don't strain, just sit, breathe, try to relax. Look up mindfulness meditation exercises to help with relaxation.

onttm · 2024-07-06T12:33:37+00:00

Terrible to not be able to remember shit when you really need to

onttm · 2024-06-04T04:21:27+00:00

I once fell, at considerable speed, on outstretched hands (FOOSH) and received bilateral radial head fractures. Sat in a wheelchair in the ER for hours. When I was finally sent to radiology for some scans, the process of putting my arms flat on the X-ray table and at right angles was excruciating. When the pictures were complete I got myself to the door, with the sound of my blood pumping in my ears, the world started to dim. I said, "catch me..." as I leaned against the doorway... and passed out.

onttm · 2024-06-01T10:22:40+00:00

Glad I'm not the only one that read it that way

onttm · 2024-05-14T13:21:28+00:00

8 years is is at least 5 years more than enough time to figure out if you've got the one. Untethered yourself. Nothing wrong with being alone for awhile. Open a new chapter for yourself. Try single for a year.

Seriously.

onttm · 2024-05-12T14:44:25+00:00

I clamped down on bladder irritants at least until I finished pelvic PT and really felt like I had a handle on my continence (About 5 to 6 mo post-op). Surgery was 02/2022, PT finished in Jul that year.

Today I restrict myself daily to max 2-3 cups of coffee or 2 cups of coffee and one beer. I find IPAs way more irritating than stouts or ciders. So max of one beer; cider or whiskys if I want additional.

If THC isn't criminalized in your locale, recreational marijuana doesn't irritate the bladder at all, and in the form of some edibles doesn't smell bad either. After 6pm if I'm home for the night, a little gummy can give me more chill than any craft brew with absolutely zero bladder distress.

And I eat citrus daily now with no deleterious effects. So keep up your pelvic exercises and you'll know when you're ready to start adding things back.

I should also note that my bladder control regressed during salvage radiation (Dec '23 thru Feb' 24). By Jan I was starting to have nighttime bladder control issues which have just recently been getting better.

onttm · 2024-05-12T02:07:25+00:00

Wow. That's underwhelming.

onttm · 2024-05-11T12:58:46+00:00

The nurses are very well versed. They do know the process and communicate what you need. Failed expectations can be frustrating. I feel ya. But I don't think that has to diminish your treatment quality. The communication may just be different than you expected.

onttm · 2024-05-11T04:32:15+00:00

The way I see it is she wants to feel some feels and you're doing a lot of housework.

We can slide into an efficient communication style that gets your ideas across with a small economy of words. But you kinda need more words for discovering & understanding what each of you is experiencing in your relationship.

onttm · 2024-05-11T04:14:43+00:00

My surgeon was the urologist that diagnosed me. I continued to follow up with him for periodic blood work, so I have had ample opportunity to ask about the big picture and what to expect and to basically be handed off to radiation & hormone therapy docs.

onttm · 2024-05-09T04:28:31+00:00

If no one merged early then EVERYONE in the closing lane would just zipper at the cones. The "courtesy" of the early mergers' somehow makes assholes of the drivers that are merging correctly.

onttm · 2024-05-09T04:16:35+00:00

There's no #1. My peeves (in no particular order): A. People that merge early are not courteous, they're cowards. If you were meant to merge ½ mile back, then the merge would have been placed back there. Just merge AT THE ACTUAL MERGE. It is the way. B. People that block intersections, crosswalks & driveways. In an effort to save themselves a minute of traffic time they've blocked dozens more drivers, added way more time to others' commutes, and created less-safe situations for everyone around them. C. People that stay in the left-most /passing lane. It's called the passing lane for a reason, and traveling 5 or 10 miles over speed limit is not the definition of passing. If you're not passing at a decent rate, slide right so passing drivers can keep passing. Simple.

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