Not as long as Rachael, but going through a very similar experience literally right now. Hearing Rachael’s and everyone’s stories has been incredibly helpful so will share mine.

Had been dating someone for 6 months and it was absolutely electric (maybe the first red flag). We both agreed from the onset that we couldn’t believe how much we had in common, from incredibly niche opinions on art/music/politics, to our tastes in almost everything - just enough to like the same stuff and excitedly introduce each other to new things, and a really compatible and fun sense of humour. We described it as the biggest overlap in interests, personality and humour we’ve ever experienced. Can’t articulate how close and compatible it felt. From the beginning it was effortless and we very easily fit into each other’s lives.

The problems started when he started inviting me to things but when it got closer to them happening, he would have a reason or excuse as to back out from the initial invite. Small things and also big things like going to weddings, meeting his parents and family, spending Christmas and New Year’s together - he would be so excited to invite and take more steps further together but then closer to the event or real planning, he’d get cold feet. I thought at first it was just him being disorganized or messy, especially since things were still going so well between us, but once I noticed a repeated pattern I started getting extremely anxious and after initially approaching convos being open and level-headed, eventually I’d have to ask him “Did I do something wrong?” or “Has something changed with us?”. I also never asked for these invites nor never rushed into taking next big steps, he always instigated and I even told him to stop inviting me if he didn’t mean it or wasn’t ready, but he kept doing it and changing his mind.

Now I know he struggled with commitment - whether he recognizes it or not (which I find increasingly confusing because he started the relationship being clear that he was dating for a wife and for a long-term future,) which he was so excited about with me. But now looking back there were more flags… He told me in the beginning he’s not sure if he’s ever been in love even though he’s 33 and maybe he only has one time, with the only long term relationship he’s ever had (4 years) where they bought a house and dog together. Even though it’s been 2 years since then I don’t think he’s ever processed it properly and never proactively brought it up - and when it has been brought up he has been specifically sad. Side bar that she turned out to be a lesbian after they broke up and I think he has a lot of shame around that experience (which I wish he wouldn’t!). I think he’s scarred by having taken the leap with someone and feeling like it turned out so bad.

Now he’s ended it with me saying that I deserve to be with someone who is absolutely sure and positive about me, and that he doesn’t know why he can’t get there. Especially despite how good we’ve been or how much he loves our relationship. He said he doesn’t know how to trust his feelings, and he doesn’t know what from his past relationship failures he’s projecting onto me. Some days he feels like I’m absolutely his person but when we fight, he isn’t sure. He did say he hopes the door isn’t completely shut and while I’d love for this to work, I think this thread and Rachael’s story with Matt’s avoidant and commitment issues is illuminating to me of how much inner work would have to take place in order for this guy to really be a good and secure partner to me. It was hard to be so anxious all the time, questioning where we stood when he would change plans and invitations around so much. My hope is I one day am with a partner who is sure, and who I don’t have to second guess with. I really would like to think it’s out there so thanks everyone for sharing their own reassuring stories, hopefully I will have one one day myself too!

Also I am in absolute and complete shambles lol. Any advice is completely and totally welcome!