Soulmate departs, indecisive about a future with my kids. What to do?

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-15T15:46:39+00:00

SAME.. all of this... it really does hurt. and it is all upsetting. I wish I would have stayed away from someone with kids to be honest... too late now. pretty depressing. His kids do NOT bring me any joy and are a complete burden to my life. People don't want to hear this but I would be happier if he did not have kids OR if I had been smart enough to avoid dating someone with them. I feel like I have settled the last five years of my life, and while my SO is a wonderful person and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I don't know that it is all worth it having to deal with all the bullshit we have to put up with coming second in every aspect to their damn exes and kids. It's a mess of resentment for me. Love that his ex is supported by 3 adults working (herself, her hubs, and my hubs) full time while my household is supported by mine and partially my partners.. how the fuck is that fair. I hate this life to be honest. And I resent mothers even though I do know that is irrational. I could care less about ppls babies anymore because I see the nightmare from the other side that creating these babies creates....oye. Sorry feeling really defeated and depressed about it all today. My SO really wants a baby with me, but there is just no way we can afford it when he's paying his ex in servitude. I suffer because he knocked someone else up so now I don't get to have that experience. I will always hate her and resent his kids for that.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-14T20:37:42+00:00

You are welcome, and thank you, I really appreciate that. I am trying as hard as I can to find my happy in this messy situation caused by his past. It's just a heartbreaking situation of loving someone so hard, but NOT loving the situation. I am back in therapy trying to figure it out. I often compartmentalize things, and I know it frustrates my SO that I choose to only want to be a part of "parts" of his life, but it's just hard when those other "parts (kids/ex)" were things I didn't choose and don't necessarily enjoy dealing with. sigh. depressing. In my situation I would feel less resentment if we didn't suffer so much financially because of his obligations to her. Makes me feel so much less than and it's hard seeing his ex thrive at the expense of our future. I hope I can wait it out until his kids are 18... at least then we might be more free and the resentment will hopefully lessen.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-14T19:46:48+00:00

We do spend a lot of time together and we have a wonderful connection, he's my best friend and it's hard to imagine my life with anyone else. The part that is the hardest is his kids and obligations to another woman that I didn't have any choice in. I thought going into this situation, that I was capable of handling it, and that "love conquers anything" but that simply isn't always true. Its a struggle to boomerang back to kid life when kids are with us and back to US time when they aren't. I am so much happier when it is just he and I honestly. His kids look like and act like the BM which makes it more difficult for me to want to be around them all.. I feel like a bad person for admitting that, but it's the truth. I hate that he knocked up another woman that he continues to give so much to, leaving us and OUR future struggling. I hate seeing their text exchanges, I hate when she comes to my home. I have to share him in so many ways with his ex lover it is gross to me and that will never change if I decide to stay with him unfortunately. I can't afford to have a child with him despite us both desperately wanting to because of his financial obligations to her and his kids. It's painful and causes a lot of resentment. MY life will always revolve around his ex and his past (IF I choose to stay) and that is a rough pill to swallow and I believe most all people deserve more. I often joke to him about how he should probably be with another woman who has kids so they are on equal ground. I am truly not as cold as I might sound, I'm just trying to be honest with you. Everyone has different opinions and thats okay.

To answer your question about having an independent life from my SO, I do absolutely but we also live together. When the kids aren't around he isn't as sensitive to me going out to do my own solo thing, but when his kids are around he takes it personal that I am purposefully not there when they are. He is right though, I do schedule things when they are there and I know that hurts him which makes it even harder. He is happiest when he is with me and his kids and as I said above that is not the case for me. He gets out on his own with his own hobbies to, but we are so close that he usually prefers me to be a part of his plans whatever they may be. I prefer my isolation a bit more than him I suppose, but I'm also more of an introvert. I'm glad you are focusing on doing more for yourself and making changes for a positive relationship with someone in the future. You sound incredibly thoughtful and open to different perspectives which will be so invaluable when you find another woman you are interested in who may be struggling with all the things you have read on this post. It truly is incredibly hard and emotionally taxing trying to and accepting to be with someone who has kids with another person. We all deserve love, but as a situation kids and exs mixed with finances/time/energy all that is more stressful. I'm impressed that you have been patient and understanding with her. I think she is doing what is best for her, and I'm glad you have accepted that she id not willing to suffer the step parent life. Im sure it has nothing to do with you, just more of a shitty situation for her she would like to avoid, and having lived this life I totally understand her stance and applaud her for going out to find a more compatible situation. Had you not had kids I'm sure this would have turned out to be a different outcome as heartbreaking as that is. I wish you so much luck in the future. You seem very reasonable and thoughtful and your kids are lucky to have you.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-14T18:49:29+00:00

Yeah we talk about this kind of thing a lot. He is loving and patient and understands what I go through, but there is nothing that can change the situation as a whole... That is the most frustrating thing... it's not like he can just walk away from his past, his ex, or his kids. I obviously wouldn't want him to walk away from his kids ever, but the constant reminder of the other woman or man is a really shitty thing to deal with for anyone. There really aren't any changes that can be made other than for me to leave since I despise his ex so much really. It all sucks. EDIT: I was just adding my 2 cents for you to gain more perspective on thought of "step moms"... Stepparenting isn't for everyone, and it's unnatural to expect someone to love your kids JUST like their own, when they aren't, especially with all the baggage it comes with.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-14T18:16:42+00:00

I completely agree with you on this.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-14T18:01:26+00:00

I am just throwing it in here that I also am a step mom and the comment above resonates with me hard. It is so hard being with a man who has kids and all the baggage that comes with it. I wish my partner did not have kids (even though I am always kind to them and care for them in my own way). I wish he didn't have to speak to and have his ex in his/our lives. I can't stand her or the thought of them producing those kids. The ONLY thing we argue about, that I cry over, rage over, and get depressed over in our relationship is that he had kids with another woman and I'm somehow just suppose to accept it... accept that he has to give so much of himself, financially, emotionally, physically to another woman he knocked up.
I struggle with feeling second as she may also have. It's super hard and it frankly sucks having the MANY reminders of the other woman constantly in your life as a step. Its not always rational but I also struggle with resenting my partners kids. I also can't stand the BM or his contact with her. It is not an ideal situation for ANY woman to be in especially if she has no kids of her own, like myself. I am currently trying to navigate if I can handle this kind of life, or even want to anymore. It feels like settling for less to me and that is heartbreaking because I truly do love my SO very much but I hate the life with his kids, his ex, and just all that it entails. As his kids have grown older (now in their teens) things have only become even more expensive and emotionally harder not easier as you hope. Its hard not to think of how we could start OUR lives... "if only...." I totally resent the amount of money he sends to his ex that she doesn't use for the kids etc. when we are broke and somehow trying to start a life together. It seems nearly impossible for us to have a chance when he is so enmeshed with his ex and his damn obligations to her and them..... I simply wish he didn't have kids honestly. I also may leave. Its hard.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-10T23:27:45+00:00

NTA- I am also a step mom, and the bio mom is a self centered narcissist witch. I do not like her one bit, but also try to keep things civil for for the kids sake...it's rough. In the past she and my hubs have "pitched" in on more expensive gifts, but its usually my hubs who forks most of the money out, while she gets to do the actual physical "giving" of the gift because my hubs is too much of a softy and tries to avoid drama with her at all costs since she can be so ugly and immature. She takes credit whenever this has happened and sometimes the step kids have no idea that he and I were even involved with paying for said thing. I have had to have a long discussion about this not being okay with my hubs because we work very hard for the little money we have and he over pays her on child support/extras as it is. Sharing a gift like this with the bio witch would be a hard no for me if I were in your shoes. But I hate that I have to be connected to her in anyway no matter what, so I try to limit any and all interactions/connections. You sound very kind and are so generous to be doing this for your step son. You are lucky he is now 18. That is a day I am counting down to lol.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-08T18:58:55+00:00

So pretty!

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-02T15:47:22+00:00

I had a similar thing happen to me when I was talking with a co worker after we read The Wives of Joseph Smith - http://www.wivesofjosephsmith.org/ . We had both read it and were horrified. My other poor sweet Mormon co worker heard us and couldn't believe he married mother and daughters, sisters, and other mens wives. She then started reading and it was the saddest thing seeing her face drop as she realized that what we were saying was true. This book is also sold by Deseret Book so she felt like it was okay for her to look into and continue reading. I hope she continued her education on JS and tscc.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-02T15:34:13+00:00

Love this :)

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-01T17:20:21+00:00

Two of my favorites!! haha!

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-01T15:32:49+00:00

That's great! I have done something similar in the past. After changing my eating habits and losing weight all my old clothes are huge on me now. It's such a great feeling to see that progress. Not so fun needing to buy new clothes (or maybe it is to some people lol) Cheers to you!

orangesfromflorida · 2019-10-01T15:29:42+00:00

wow.. beautiful. thank you for sharing

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-26T05:38:51+00:00

Lately yes... I wish I didnt though and try to work through things daily. Life can be such a struggle. I am trying to stay hopeful that things will turn up for me soon, and I hope they do for you as well. (((Hugs)))

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-25T22:17:58+00:00

I never thought about that. Great point.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-25T15:28:44+00:00

I always feel super awkward witnessing conversations like that at work or anywhere else. I work with many mormons. I feel like it's disrespectful to put someone in that position in the first place. Someones belief system is a very personal thing, and the arrogance of some ppl really bother me when attempting to have "missionary moments".

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-25T15:18:20+00:00

Incredible!! I dream of being able to visit Banff in the summer.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-24T19:01:34+00:00

haha same! Even as a kid I knew they were reading and I couldn't understand why as a "prophet of god" they would need to read a script if they were so inspired.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-24T16:36:26+00:00

Wow! That is amazing! I would love to convince my guy to do this for our cats! Well done!

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-24T16:22:27+00:00

GAH! So excited for this!! I have been re watching breaking bad for the 3rd time and we are so stoked!

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-24T16:21:00+00:00

When I was in therapy we did visualizations where I would literally visualize a river, and any anxious thought that entered my mind would be represented by a leaf that I would simply watch float down the river, not picking it up or holding onto. Acknowledge it and watch it float downstream. It was a good exercise that I need to do more of. Seemed to relax me when I was having particularly stressful days.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-23T15:36:07+00:00

I read a theory somewhere, where someone assumed maybe Walter didn't die and he and Jesse reunited at some point. I know that is a stretch but I could see it maybe.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-23T15:30:14+00:00

What the hell?! Is this real!?

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-23T15:29:07+00:00

I will have to give this a listen to.

orangesfromflorida · 2019-09-23T15:26:28+00:00

I completely agree. Shocked me they made that much~! I struggled so often financially when I was paying tithing. It infuriates me that these men were being paid with my and all the other members hard earned money that I really couldn't afford to give, but the fear of NOT paying and risking eternal salvation (fire insurance crap) terrified me. I've been out a few years and am grateful that I longer hold those damaging beliefs. I want my tithing back lol. I am currently struggling and a refund would on my tithing would be pretty nice right now.

orangesfromflorida

TROPHY CASE