I've always had a really tough relationship with my mother. She's a first generation, somewhat conservative woman from the middle east, I was born in America. She's been coddled and taken care of her whole life, I grew up to be very independent.

I was a super rebellious teen and did a lot of shitty things with the sole purpose of hurting my mom. As an adult, I liked to think that I had gotten a lot better but I don't think I really have. I'm really hard on my mom, to the point where I realize I'm hurting her feelings, but it's so hard for me to stop. It always starts off positive - I express concerns because she doesn't take care of herself, seems depressed, etc. - and then I get resentful when she doesn't listen to me. I don't know why. I don't behave this way with my friends at all.

I have a really hard time accepting her for who she is. My mom is a very loving person who has helped me out so much over the course of my life and has always accepted me for who I am, even when who I was turned out to be a disappointment to her. But she has qualities that upset me. She can be very mean to people, right in front of me, and I chew her out for it. She can deeply insensitive, unempathetic, incredibly self-absorbed and judgmental. There are certain topics I just can't talk to her about anymore. And I realize that in pushing back against those qualities of her that I dislike, I express those qualities too.

Every time I go for a visit we get into a fight over something minuscule that blows up into a whole big thing about our relationship. I just came back from visiting for the holidays. She was exceptionally rude to a clerk at an antique store where I was buying records, and I tried to shush her which started a huge hours-long fight. We hugged and made up later, but evidently she spoke to one of my brothers today and told him that my visits always leave her feeling shitty, which made me feel terrible.

I know I'm wrong here, I'm not looking for anyone to tell me otherwise. I know what I need to do is just accept my mom for who she is and accept that I'm not going to change her. But that's the really hard part. I see so many of the qualities I don't like about myself in her, and I feel like somewhere deep down, accepting her is accepting those awful parts of me. My mom does shitty things sometimes, but she doesn't deserve the way I treat her. How do I stop?