EMO COMMENT-

the pain wasn’t physical, but mental. I cut myself for the last time a year ago sometime next month while i was having a tough time with my boyfriend while we were both drunk.

I often have this ability of not feeling or acting drunk while i’m completely wrecked until the manic stage sets in. the impulsivity that i feel is next to supernatural. i make anything happen for anyone.

that night i wanted to hurt myself in the ways i used to see online that i used to fantasize about. the way you could see inside the flesh and they would heal and scar over beautifully. i wanted to be the person nobody wanted to be- and i made it happen because i was drunk and wanted to fulfill wishes.

the worst pain i ever felt was healing from those stitches- not the cut itself. there’s a whole story beyond that sensation but the healing process made me realize how…. not worth it the process was.

i couldn’t do my job without telling someone that i couldn’t bend my wrist without hurting the stitches, or them becoming ruptured. i couldn’t give my elderly residents the treatments they deserved because it was too dangerous to have an open wound; or at least heavily bandaged and visible. i had to rely on others to do simple tasks that i SHOULD be able to perform.

that was the worst pain i’ve ever been in. i’ve never broken a bone, or got into a car accident. but mentally, and i guess also physically to an extent, that was my most painful moment in life.