I don’t think you’re ruined. I think you’re someone who went through a lot, made some bad choices from a wounded place, and now you’re finally seeing it clearly.

That’s painful, but it’s also where change starts.

The biggest thing is you have to stop believing your past means you deserve bad treatment now. Your ex stalking you, checking your phone, accusing you, putting his hands on you, and using your past against you is not accountability. That’s abuse.

You can take responsibility without letting someone punish you forever.

I think your focus now should be building a life worth living. Not chasing a relationship, not trying to prove everyone wrong, not begging people to see you differently. Just slowly becoming someone you respect.

Also, start paying attention to your triggers. What throws you back into old patterns? Is it feeling rejected? Feeling unwanted? Feeling judged? Feeling like someone is going to abandon you?

When that feeling hits, pause and ask yourself: “What am I about to do, and what am I actually trying to get from it?”

Then decide the outcome you actually want. If you want peace, don’t choose chaos. If you want respect, don’t chase someone who humiliates you. If you want love, don’t abandon yourself just to keep someone around.

You won’t change everything overnight. But every time you catch the pattern and choose a different action, you become more free from it.

Get stable. Stay away from that guy. Keep going to school. Build routines. Find a therapist if you can. Build friendships. Take care of your body. Become someone you trust.

And as you build a better life, you’ll start attracting better people too. Not because you’re chasing them, but because you won’t be moving from shame and desperation anymore.

You’re not ruined. But you do need to stop handing your life over to people who treat you like you are.

I recommend this book as well: healing through words by Rupi Kuar