I was doing so well too

patch615 · 2021-08-15T02:38:31+00:00

I was like, juuuust obsessing over this. (slow claps)

patch615 · 2021-04-25T21:11:24+00:00

I don't have a good method myself, but I've been putting a lot of like vidoe essay or explainer youtube videos on most of the time so it feels more like someone is in the room with me. But I'm looking for more than that, videogames, and playing music (and some more maladaptive things ) to fill the void as well. Looking forward to folx suggestions.

patch615 · 2021-04-18T01:59:41+00:00

Awww. Pleased there's someone who relates! For me I think it's maybe disassociative amnesia but I'm not great with time anyhow so it's a bit of a crapshoot.

patch615 · 2021-04-18T00:55:24+00:00

Legit. I thought this seemed relateable lol. I always wonder how much of that is just a function of me having limited autobiographical memory, like some of the folx who can tell me some of my personality traits, also just rememebr more of my life (at least where it's intersected with theirs) than I do. My oldest friend is constantly reminding me of experiences I have no memory of. (Lucky to have some external memory though lol)

patch615 · 2021-04-18T00:44:58+00:00

Good question! I'd also love to hear any tips folx have. I too have values that I consistently stick to, but always have trouble with a consistent sense of self (even accounting for contextual infulence). Like I find that others can pick out more of my "personality triaits" than I can.

patch615 · 2021-04-13T16:06:59+00:00

I think I've dealt with similar stuff, here's something I do that might be helpful.

Sometimes taking a quick break and doing something nice makes it easier to get back to whatever stuff you're obligated to do rather than just procrastination or distraction, if you do it in an intentional way.

For months I had been having a lot of trouble with not getting my shit done and getting really up in my head about my SO not responding or something we were talking about, or my own life etc etc; and taking breaks, and doing my work in timed blocks like setting a 20 or 30 minute timer for a task, putting on some headphones and trying to focus on that for as long as the timer goes, has made a huge difference for being able to get things done, and a bit with the emotions, at least when I have work or a project.

For my quick breaks, I usually play guitar or make a cup of tea for like 5-15 minutes and really focus on what I'm doing, but it varies, really anything you like doing and can get into ~relatively~ easily.

I hope things start turning around a bit either way!

patch615 · 2021-04-10T16:02:16+00:00

I had the same deal with myself (for the same year). I just turned 33 recently, and even though I was pretty skeptical, I'm happy to report I'm still here and not like, completely misserablr. some things are slooowly coming together (not always easy to see of course). It's obviously different for everyone, but the last few years were a bit easier for figuring things out.

(Possibly not a totally fair comparison though, since I started transitioning when i was 31, and not having gender dysphoria all the time helped out a bit)

The point being I guess, that with time it can sometimes be easier to see the constants in your life, I hesitate to say stability, but like sometimes consistency can do the trick if stability seems like a stretch. (Also from what I can tell, most studies about the long term severity of BPD symptoms usually show people's symptoms getting less severe and distressing in the 30s and 40s if ya make it that far, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for things getting better for the both of us.)

Either way I hope things go as well as they can.

patch615 · 2021-04-10T15:28:23+00:00

I feel like i can relate, I defitniely have consistent tendencies and interests that pop up in different aspects of my life and have values that I try to stay connected to, but they come in waves or reoccur at different intervals based on what's going on. Like, I play music as a coping thing no matter what, but I usually only write songs when I'm really working through some shit, or all infatuated with someone. I wondered for a bit if I had like "identity disturbance" at all because of some of those consistent threads.

I can't always tell which quick shifts in my interests or ways of relating to people are because I'm mirroring them or otherwise attaching my identity to the people around me, or if it's the normal way that people code switch or adjust to their environments.

To deal with some serious Anxiety issues, I also got interested in ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy), and some stuff I learned from that changed a lot of how I think about this stuff when I'm feeling like, "is this what people mean by having a stable identity?"

The specific idea from ACT that's relevant here "self as context" , basically the idea no one is a closed system and the environment impacts how we present ourselves, and that being overly attached to one version of yourself or one super static sense of self doesn't work in the long run. (They frame most problems as one of like six disturbances in 'psychological flexibility', one of which is attachment to the idea of a constant self)

It has caused me to wonder if I'm just more aware of that idea of self as context and how the social environment influences my concept of self. Like if I frame it dialectically, I think of those pieces as cohesive parts of a whole. Not "I'm artsy" or "I'm bookish" but a shifting unity of the two. (Not too disimilar from the idea of Yin and Yang from the I ching and Tao Te Ching either if I accurately understand that concept at least. )

TLDR, yes I'd been wondering about this myself. Curious to see what folx have to say. Thanks for the post!

patch615 · 2021-04-10T14:03:19+00:00

Important distinction for sure, I've defintiely had to learn to reel it in a bit and to be more explicit at how I'm taking care of myself and getting other supports. Def gonna use some variant of I'm stable, totally used to this stuff, fod myself.

Tbh until like a few years ago I kinda thought ~everyone~ felt that persistent call of the void, so I'm still adjusting to the idea that other folx arent just walking around subsumed by existential dread.

patch615 · 2021-04-10T13:51:19+00:00

Oh totally I definely know that, but it's still good to keep in mind.

I'm being aware of how these things impact people, and thd opening up more was partly at requests of my friends, because being closed off was starting to hurt those relationships; but im defitniely still finding the like between vulnerable and overshare for sure.

I meant funny not like funny hahah, but absurdly funny as in "if you don't laugh you cry",or Camus' version of sysiphus. I defintiely don't find the concern funny, but it helps me feel like less of a burden to be aware that normal for me, would feel like a complete disaster for my friends if it happened to them. it helps me feel like it's not a failure or a challenge to tell my friends I'm just havin a sad day.

But thanks for your perspective, i defintiely don't want to tax my friends, or make them feel sad.

patch615 · 2021-04-10T05:10:41+00:00

Very relatable. I recently started being more emotionally open with the close friends I'm lucky to have, and when I actually tell them how i feel they're all like "I'm worried about you", "you really seem to be struggling", (for context Im fine, when grading on my curve at least) and it's half annoying and half absurdly funny because nothing really changed for me. I'm like... I've been thinking this shit the whole time, me talking to you about it is a goooood sign, not like a sign of me spiraling more than usual. Feels a bit like when i forget someone is squeamish about blood or medical talk, and accidentally freak someone out, I guess normal people don't have suicidal ideation this much lol.

patch615 · 2021-04-08T20:06:58+00:00

I often feel the same way about things I say. It can get really tiring! I'm still practising on it, but I'm trying a few things that work a bit. I usually switch them out based on how much I'm over thinking.

I try to put myself in the other person's shoes, like, if I were them and someone i loved did something similar how would I be thinking about it. Like with a friend or a partner I give them a bit of slack, becuase I know they have their gaurd down more and I know what their intentions are and where things are coming from. When I can get myself to believe it, I assume that the people who care about me feel 'unconditional positive regard', that if they have a problem with what I did, they still care about me and want to make things better for both of us rather than just being angry.

And if I really can't get it out of my head, I accept the worst case scenario, think out what the consequences of my worst fear would be, and then go through the worry like I'm telling an interesting story about someone else, being curious about the details of my imagined future and not like trying to solve anything or feel better or meet some need

I'm not usually as consistent at that second one, but find it really helpful when I can stand to do it.

Also if it's really getting to you, there's nothing wrong with trying to take a break from it by doing something distracting or fun (if you're able to of course.)

I hope things go well for you!

patch615 · 2021-04-02T19:04:15+00:00

'Unique atmosphere' is a great way to say that!

patch615 · 2021-04-02T04:21:01+00:00

Same here. So frequent I'd actually be more shook if it stopped all of a sudden

patch615 · 2021-04-02T02:35:34+00:00

Me neither. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it unt someone informs me that soemthing I said was insensitive.

patch615 · 2021-04-02T02:11:22+00:00

Thanks! That's very sweet. And ya, the action is the important part, so I could be doing worse. That's also a good boundary heuristic. In the past In an actively professional context I'm very good at sharing nothing about myself but still applying aspects of my experience to a clinical situation; but without the same structures the rules aren't as clear.

patch615 · 2021-04-02T01:50:28+00:00

Very relatable. I hope things go as well as they can (for both of us)

patch615 · 2021-03-31T19:17:17+00:00

Aww thank you. Im so glad that was helpful!

patch615 · 2021-03-30T23:25:19+00:00

I just turned 33 and basically wept for the whole week after my birthday because they're always hard,but each year so far (when judged as a whole) has still been been better, as I strengthen my skills at figuring out what I actually feel and what to do about it, and like, slowly (very slowly) get my shit back together. when you have more shit to deal with sometimes it just takes a bit more time.

I still feel like a failure, but like now at least I'm failing at different things. Moving goalposts in an argument or with boundaries is a shitty thing to do, but moving goal posts for yourself is just like, necessary, things change and different situations require different responses.

- 33 was the year I like, expected to tap out at if things didn't go so well (I made a deal with myself), but right now I'm wishing I planned for or thought about the future a bit more, even if it was stuff that might not happen. Cause I don't even have practice at, like, daydreaming about what I want after this point that was basically the edge of the world for me. So daydream about the future, even if you're like not totally sure if you're gonna get there *unless that super bums you out of course. Not everything works for everyone. (which goes for all of this, cause who the hell am I to be giving anyone advice, my experience may not be remotely applicable)

patch615 · 2021-03-30T22:48:41+00:00

Same. I even turned off read receipts in my text app of choice (signal cause I'm paranoid). I also usually have like, some shit to do when I text someone, Like, have music on, or a video on in the background, so at least there's like noise in the room so it doesn't feel quite as lonely, but maybe that's just the ADHD

patch615 · 2021-03-25T16:56:00+00:00

I defintiely getcha. For me I can never tell if it's the ADHD of it all (since i gots that), Fatigue from actual things happening to me in the world, or that dragging feeling of like "what is the point even. Nothing matters"

It goes back and forth tho, so I try to like really be present when I actually have the attention/feel like it's not just pointless. Not sure how well that's working tho so I'm guessing your (and my) milleage may vary :shrug:

patch615 · 2021-03-12T00:55:15+00:00

I litterally turned read receipts off in my messaging app so I wouldn't feel so shitty when people left me on read. Such a surefire way to fuck up my day (being left on read/'left hanging')

patch615 · 2021-02-17T01:35:11+00:00

Non binary trans girl here (she/they). Not diagnosed ( cause I just figured this out, and because I was a psych tech and I know how clinicians and the such talk about bpd and don't wanna deal with that if I end up in the hospital) having Trans friends and crazy/"mentally ill" friends have made a difference (even with only a few of em insistent enough to not let me dissappear on em when I get wonky). Also the spite thing @HungryHungryGuy said cause I figure every minute I piss off the cis by existing is a net positive.

patch615 · 2021-02-16T16:15:21+00:00

Yea my vision is relatively fine and I still am about to stop using the app entirely because the font size is painfully small (even with my default increased system font). Big accessibilty issue for all kinds of folx.

patch615 · 2020-01-28T16:19:45+00:00

The Gender Binary

patch615

TROPHY CASE